Crisis Worker Diary

Just raped a girl

2008-12-11T10:16:00.002-05:00

My husband and I had this discussion last night about professional sports. He pointed out that Plex shot himself in the leg and has been suspended from his employment without pay. But, in contrast, Kobe was charged with (and very nearly admitted) rape and the lakers flew him back and forth for games and court appearances.

I suggested that it could be a result of a number of factors at once . . . one, the difference in the culture of the NBA and the NFL . . . and the values of the commissioners. Two, Plex hurt himself and thus his team, team owners directly and Kobe just raped a girl. It's easy to say the girl may or may not have "asked for it" or that she may or may not be of lose moral character or that she's justs looking for her 15 minutes. But in the end, she's just a girl and who really cares that she was raped?

And, that is why we have so much more work to do.

Participating Citizen

2008-11-22T00:01:00.003-05:00

One of the ongoing conversations in our office is what "lessons" we would like to incorporate into our prevention programming. We are big supporters of comprehensive sex education. We believe in personal responsibility. We also want to encourage responsible bystander behaviors.

By, "bystander behaviors" we mean having the courage to speak up when someone is out of line or intimidating or intentionally/unintentionally mean. We want to shape a community where people are not afraid of intervening when they seen exploitation or abuse or intimidation.

We also would like to see a society where people respond in compassionate and appropriate ways to the pain of others.

This evening I read of the college student who web broadcast his suicide. Some viewers egged him on. Some tried to talk him out of it. Some discussed if he took enough drugs to accomplish the task. Only a few tried to seek out an intervention or assistance. Sadly, they were too late.

Reading this reminded me of an incident in court recently. I was assisting a client in obtaining a restraining order. We were gathered, early, outside the courtroom. Everyone in the hallway that day was there seeking relief in situations of domestic or interpersonal abuse, violence, or intimidation. A couple was having a disagreement to one side. The voices were soft at first, but using profanity and disrespectful language. The male of the couple put his face within an inch of the female's face and started yelling profanity and threats. At first, we jumped and watched. She tried to quiet him. This, as with so many abusers, just "provoked" him more. When he started yelling again, I walked over to the one courtroom in session so I could signal to the bailiff that we needed assistance. The officers were already on the way out of the courtroom.

They separated the couple and asked the male to cool off. They moved the female into the courtroom. The male started glaring at me and muttering that "People need to stay out of other people's business." I looked him in the eye and told him that he needed to move on.

I hope that my response to get a real intervention will serve as a model for the other people in the hallway. Maybe someday they will act to get an intervention for someone else. I also feel that not only is it a responsibility of the work I do that I intervened . . . but a responsibility as a member of this community.

Vindication

2008-11-06T09:21:00.003-05:00

From time to time, I will recommend to clients that they may want to consider the option of filing a civil suit against their perpetrator. I don't make this recommendation in all cases . . . and I'm cautious to warn that they should hold off on even speaking to an attorney until after the criminal courts are finished with the case. (Defense attorneys seem to love to gloss over the criminal actions of their clients and vilify the victim if it looks like she might gain one penny from the case. I've seen far too many cases result in not-guilty verdicts simply because the defense attorney suggested that the family of the victim might someday have some financial gain. Years ago, a case unravelled when the defense attorney claimed the 13 year old girl made up a story of being raped by her neighbor because her parents were in a dispute with the neighbor over a fence. )

Anyway, the NY Times is reporting a fantastic outcome for a civil case in Florida. I like that the jury awarded a substantial amount for medical and counseling expenses, as well as damages and money for anguish.

Sadly, it seems that too many people don't appreciate the consequences of their actions until their pocketbooks are hit.

Change

2008-11-05T20:28:00.002-05:00

I've never been afraid of change. When I was in college I was energized by the feeling that I was standing at the brink of changes all around me. I got a reminder of that in Obama's speeches.

There were tears that welled up when I sat down with my ballot this week. I took a moment to drink in that I was about to mark a ballot for a person who not so long ago in our history couldn't even vote. And, that moment brought back a childhood memory.

I remember pretty vividly some well meaning adult telling me and my brothers (who were not adopted) "when you grow up, you could be president." And, even as a fairly young child, I remember thinking that they were just being polite by including me . . . a bi-racial, adopted, girl. . . but that they really were just talking to my brothers.

Last night, as I was finally going to bed, I remembered a friend of mine who is expecting her first child in the spring. A month ago, during a meeting, she optimistically told me that she just knew that her bi-racial baby was going to have a role model in President Obama. My last thought last night before falling asleep was that her child would never have that feeling that she or he isn't included when someone says "when you grow up, you could be president." And, maybe that's the best change.

Oppressions

2008-10-24T12:09:00.004-04:00

I have refrained from really writing about the "Duke Lacrosse" case here. I'm not directly involved in the case, I don't know anyone who is directly involved in the case, and there has been so much conflicting information in the media that it is hard to judge for myself.

When the case was "happening" my source of information was largely the NY Times. I've heard it discussed, and I know people in that region of the world and from time to time hear their opinions. (By the way, you North Carolina Voters, I understand that your attorney general is using the Duke case in his re-election ads . . . which if nothing else seems in bad taste and likely to convince victims in your state that the state is unfriendly, uncaring, and not really all that nice to victims. But, that's just my take.)

Today, we in the office watched via the internet a press conference held sometime within the past week to announce the publication of a book by the young woman in the center of the case. I was most impressed by a professor from NC A&T University who spoke rather elegantly about the case.

Her statements were the perfect springboard to a discussion about the intersectionality of oppressions and sexual violence. This case isn't just about rape. Or gender. Or race. Or privilege. Or social class. This case is about ALL OF THOSE things, and probably a few more.

Would it be too simple to say that perhaps what really went wrong with this case, beyond the obvious, was that it challenged too many of our socially held notions and the system overheated and blew up?

Maybe the long shot of this case will be that we start working towards a meaningful conversation about the many oppressions at play in our society.

Just the Beginning

2008-10-23T08:52:00.002-04:00

When I attempt to explain the "victim experience" to people, I often say that the assault is merely the beginning of the whole "victim experience," not the end.

The attack itself is often the scene of panic or alarm or terror. Lots and lots of women I talk to say that they worried more about being killed than they did about the rape itself. They describe that horrible, pit of your stomach feeling of realizing that you no longer have control over not being raped, you refocus your attention on surviving the attack.

But, after the attack, you have lots of rushing thoughts and conflicting impulses to contend with, immediately. Call the police? How is my family going to respond? Will I be believed? Will I be blamed? Do I blame myself? Oh god, what if I get pregnant or a disease from this? What if he comes back? Why? Why? and again, Why?

We realize that only a small percentage of victims immediately call the police and seek medical treatment. The societal myths about rape and rape victims work against that impulse. It is rare for me to see a victim who absolutely knows they did nothing "wrong." Rare. (I constantly debunk the victim's own acceptance of rape myths.)

When medical treatment is sought, we have the opportunity to both gather evidence and provide appropriate medical interventions. Medication can be given to prevent pregnancy. Medication can be given to prevent many of the sexually transmitted diseases and/or infection resulting from the assault. In recent years, the director of our emergency department and I have discussed the efficacy of offering anti-retrovirals to help prevent HIV.

This is becoming more standard as we advance our response to victims of this violent crime. So, imagine my thoughts when I read in the New York Times that in South Africa, a doctor was fired for a) offering anti-retrovirals to rape victims and b) supporting a local rape crisis center who advocated for the treatment. (Read about it here.) Now, judges have ruled that he was fired improperly. But, it took years for this ruling to happen. How many people who needed his medical care were denied it because of his humane and appropriate actions? How many rape victims shouldered the feelings of shame and guilt and blame because their victimization contributed to his firing? (Which is totally a stretch, but so often victims will blame themselves not just for the assault but the aftermath as well.)

And, how much longer will it be before "those in charge" understand that rape is not the result of the victim's actions . . . but the perpetrators? And how long before, universally, we have a society that rushes to the aid and responds to the needs of the victim rather than make their pain a political football?

A Huge Leap Forward

2008-10-16T11:13:00.003-04:00

Much stress around the office. Lots of outreach/community education with the start of the school year. Still waiting for a grantor to honor their contract with us.

But, still a tad bit "work high" from a new development this week. Years ago, I attended a wonderful workshop at the national conference about a new program to train nurses to gather forensic evidence in sexual violence cases . . . document it . . . and teach them to testify. It was hugely successful in the communities where it was going on.

I immediately met with the director of our Emergency Department about this cool new idea. I had grand plans . . . a room equipped with everything we would need to perform truly excellent forensic examinations, nurses trained and available. It was going to be cool. Except that the hospital had plans for expanding and renovating the ED and a forensic examination room wasn't in their plans.

That was years ago. Since then, I've tried to convince individual nurses to take the training. But, even the few who did were frustrated by the hospital's lack of cooperation and found higher paying jobs elsewhere.

Until this week. This week, we had a certified forensic nurse examiner perform an evidence kit . . . and she had a nurse in training with her. I learned that there are 7 nurses in our ED who have taken the 50 hours of classroom training and are working through their 50 hours of clinicals. The trainee nurse told me that she is hoping that in a year's time . . . they will have all kits performed by a forensic nurse examiner and possibly our exam room set up.

For those of you not aware of the forensic nurse examiner program . . . the program is open to nurses with several years of ED or women's health nursing experience. There is extensive classroom training for everything from evidence preservation to being cross examined.

Most clients won't necessarily realize the difference . . . except that the forensic nurses work harder to build a relationship with the victim . . . to make the evidence gathering process as much of a joint venture as possible. And, I noticed that the nurse was a lot more patient with examining for internal trauma when usually doctors only notice it if there is blood or it is unmistakable.

It took years and much patience, but oh my goodness is this a huge leap forward for us.

Bravo

2008-09-25T14:10:00.002-04:00

I just read an article about a 48 Hours Mystery show that is upcoming. The show features an interview with one of the boys abducted and abused by Micheal Devlin in Missouri.

I'm pretty impressed with how this case is being handled. It seems that there was a fairly quick resolution within the court system. And, from reading the young man's comments, it appears that he has had some pretty good counseling. And, it appears that it is on-going.

I was also impressed to see that his parents are stepping up and advocating for his interests. I cannot say how much I'm pleased to see that and only wish other parents were as good at protecting their children's interests.

Bravo!

Progress?

2008-09-18T10:19:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, the topic of conversation around the water pitcher was an article I believe was on Yahoo. The article was about a young RNC delegate who was victimized by a person they met in a bar while attending the RNC convention recently. The delegate is an attorney, donor to the GOP, and 29 years old. The delegate was flattered by the attentions of an attractive person. The delegate invited their new friend up to their hotel room. There, the new friend mixed another round of drinks, and the next thing the delegate knew, the friend was gone and so was about $50,000 worth of cash and property.

The police in the Twin Cities says he has no doubt this crime happened . . . the delegate is being very cooperative with investigators. They believe that the delegate was slipped a "date rape" drug in the drinks mixed in the room.

Oh yeah, the delegate is male and the offender is female. The article closes with a quote from the delegate explaining that as a single guy, he was flattered by the attentions of this attractive woman . . . and that if anything has made this humiliation worthwhile was letting people know that date rape drugs can be used on men too.

There is no mention if the victim believes he were sexually assaulted, if he is bothered by the idea he may or may not have been sexually assaulted, or if he even thinks that if sex happened (with or without his consent and/or participation) that it's even a crime.

I see cases like this all the time, but with the genders reversed. In fact, the last ER call I personally took, the victim was a young college student who had attended her first college party and didn't realize what was in the punch. She woke up with her underpants on inside-out and backwards and believes she was raped. As I walked into the ER, the triage nurse asked me if it were even a rape if she doesn't know for sure she was raped? Law enforcement has taken her statement, but isn't really concerned about finding the unknown perpetrator.

But yet, it's sexist of us to question the candidacy of Sarah Palin when she thinks rape victims ought to pay for the forensic examination and gathering of evidence in the process of reporting the crime to law enforcement?

It's what we do. . .

2008-09-11T22:03:00.003-04:00

Remembering back 7 years ago . . . I was attending a meeting of the executive committee of a state organization I with which I work. We were in a hotel in a small town not known for being a tourist attraction. The hotel was one that catered to business travelers. We were sitting in the hotel's "lounge" which doubled as a breakfast room in the mornings. We were eating breakfast. The big screen tv in the corner was turned to a network morning news program, and I was reading the paper. I remember wondering aloud if Micheal Jordan would find a way to make another comeback when the tv switched to the twin towers. The guy said that they couldn't confirm it, but they'd received a report that a plane had flown into one of the towers. We all looked up . . . when I saw a plane come into the picture I honestly thought it was a plane sent to check out the damage . . . since it was so high up. I was horrified and shocked to see it fly into the building too.

There were people in our group who had family, loved ones in that area of the world. We all shared cell phones to help them get in touch with people. I remember calling my husband and learned that the people in his office were already tuned in. I called my family and told my grandmother to turn on the tv because we were under attack.

We watched the coverage for a while . . . and then decided that we should try to meet until we needed to break for other reasons. (Also, we thought it would be good to help those who had not yet reached family focus on something else.) We started the meeting . . . and someone told us that the pentagon had been hit. There was a woman in our group whose husband had a meeting at the pentagon that day . . . and she was having trouble getting in touch with him. The towers came down . . . and we couldn't bring ourselves to continue the meeting.

We gathered back in the lounge to watch the endless loops of coverage. Those of us who didn't have loved ones in immediate danger took care of the others. There were people in the lounge who weren't part of our group . . . and we took care of them too. We brought them tissues and coffee . . . and sat with them. We made sure they could safely return home. I remember one man asking me how I could so easily be taking care of others, people I didn't know . . . and I remember saying "it's what we do. . ."

When we decided to leave the hotel for homes . . . we arranged for one of our group to drive the woman whose husband was at the pentagon home . . . and someone else would follow her and drive her home afterwards. We set up a phone tree to check in as people were able to reach their homes. I drove to my husband's office because, even though I knew he was safe, I still needed to be with him.

I regret that I watched the media loops over and over. After I went to bed, my husband got me up and said there was a new angle . . . it was video of the plane actually going into the building (rather than flying behind it, and not coming back out). I really regret that I saw that view because to this day, that scene still appears in my nightmares from time to time. But, that's what we do too . . . we absorb the nightmares of others. I have a loving and supportive family, and I know it's just bad memory . . . so I can withstand it. I know others gave up more . . . and still need support and understanding.

Miffed

2008-09-07T14:07:00.008-04:00

Every time I think of Governor Palin's flip remarks, I get angry. I get angry because there is no easy way to describe every thing I, and those like me . . . on both sides of the conservative/liberal coin . . . do every single day. I do everything from recruit, screen, train, and supervise volunteers to representing my agency and my cause to my local community, to my state, and across the nation. I take out the trash and clean up when our office floods again. I get out of bed in the middle of the night to help people who have been victimized. I fill out endless paper work documenting that I documented the documentation for the tiny bits of money the government thinks victims of crime are worth.

I do this work because I believe in it. I do this work because I think it matters. I go largely unnoticed and unthanked. I get paid peanuts and most years don't get a raise. Heck, most years I have to hold my breath to see if I'm gonna get paid every month because the government takes their sweet time getting our funds to us. They expect the work to happen but don't bother to insure that the rent or phone bill is paid on time.

And she has the gall to belittle and be glib and flip about community organizers? How about this . . . if what I've chosen to dedicate my life to is so worthless or meaningless, how about she give me her blackberry number, and the next time I get a call at 3am because a 13 year old girl has been raped by her grandfather or a young woman woke up to find a stranger holding a knife to her throat . . . I'll call her to handle it while I stay warm and cozy in my bed?

Choice

2008-09-07T01:10:00.002-04:00

Biology works, even when we don't want it to, when we aren't prepared for it, and even when it's not fair. Years ago, I heard that a state legislator announced that there was no need to be concerned about the abortion issue and incest or rape . . . because he was a doctor and he could say with medical expertise that it was not biologically possible to get pregnant when the sex was forced or unwanted.

Well, knock me over. Later I learned that the good doctor was actually a dentist . . . and had fallen in with that weird group of people who seem to think that humans really do have control over biology. These are the same people who think that if it were really a rape, then the woman's vagina would be torn up due to lack of lubrication. They have this weird theory that if the body responds the way it is biologically programmed to . . . then the woman must have secretly wanted the sex. I think these are the same weirdos who think that all women secretly want to be raped and so rape isn't really that bad a crime.

But, I've kinda veered off subject. The subject is choice. I absolutely believe that women should have the choice to decide when they become mothers. Our society demands that women be more responsible for children than men. Biologically, women must bear the possible outcomes of sexual intercourse more than men. When and with whom a woman has sex must be an issue of her decision. Use of birth control, although ideally should be a joint decision and endeavor, ultimately is a woman's choice. And, the decision to carry any pregnancy . . . intended or not . . . should be ultimately the woman's choice.

I think that all too often, people equate folks who are "pro-choice" as being "pro-abortion" and that abortion is the only issue at stake. Choice is about personal independence. Choice is about contraception. Choice is about knowing the options and making educated decisions. And, sometimes choice is about carrying or aborting an unintended pregnancy. I'm all for women carrying surprise pregnancies. If not for the SURPRISE! pregnancy, most of us . . . myself included . . . wouldn't be here. But, people who make an informed and educated decision to carry that surprise to delivery are a whole lot less likely to abandon that child in a trash can . . . are less likely to abuse that child . . . and hopefully will have spent the time between discovering the pregnancy and delivery preparing to welcome that child.

The problem with making choice a political issue is that when you refuse to give women the information they need to make good decisions . . . or you tell them that they don't have a choice . . . you are reinforcing just how second-class they are in our society. Because, choice as an issue is always aimed at women. Where are the purity rings for boys? Why don't churches have mother son nights during which sons pledge to their moms that they won't have sex, won't put a girl in the position of a surprise pregnancy until they are married? When have we seen media messages shame boys for pre-marital sex that might have resulted in an abortion?

Trauma

2008-08-30T18:25:00.003-04:00

Very bad behavior is a crime. We understand that and we punish accordingly. We, as a people, disapprove of stealing and hurting and other forms of misbehavior. But, over the past couple of decades, we are starting to understand that misbehavior is more than just taking that which we don't have a right to . . . it has lasting impact. Trauma doesn't go away so easily.

As I was reminded of the lasting effects of trauma yesterday when a man who works with another agency in my community was visiting our office. He said that he'd had a rough morning. When he arrived at his work place, he heard that there had been a tornado that touched down in his town a few miles away. He described calling people to verify the story and see what damages could be reported. He mentioned that he'd lived in the same town 20 some odd years ago when the town was nearly destroyed by tornadoes. Even though a life time has passed since those tornadoes . . . clearly the trauma of it still plays in his mind when the weather turns foul.

Trauma can make people react more strongly than you might expect. Trauma can lead to faulty logic and funny decisions. Trauma inflicted by people is harder to recover from than forces of nature. And, the long term trauma of being victimized sexually or physically is worthy of our society's patience.

Just something to think about.

That's what you do . . .

2008-08-25T10:18:00.002-04:00

There is a link to the article in the title of this post.

The article is about a couple in San Antonio who tried to sell sexual access to the woman's five year old child in exchange for an apartment, a car, and day care for a 10 month old child. The article states that the mother of the 5 year old believed that the sexual abuse would be a "positive" experience for the child and she'd receive sexual gratification from watching. It also mentions that the couple, of which the male was married to another person, had plans to inflict their crazy on the 10 month old at a later date and even inflict violent crazy on a teenager.

But, keep reading. The wife of the male in this "couple" filed for a protective order to protect her 14 month old child from her husband . . . and filed for divorce. THAT'S what you do when you find out your husband is a scary, twisted, horrible person.

I'm sure there are more women or men who find themselves in similar situations . . . and we never hear about the ones who act swiftly to protect themselves and their children. I hate that this woman had to discover that the person she was building a life with could betray her in such horrible ways. . . but I applaud her for having a good moral compass.

All that Glitters?

2008-08-22T09:30:00.003-04:00

This week, my staff and I have been following the twisted path aging rocker Gary Glitter has been taking back home.

He was convicted in Vietnam of sexually abusing 2 "pre-pubescent" girls. He spent three years in prison and was released this week. Since he is a foreign national, and a convict, Vietnam showed him the door. Mr. Glitter tried to move his road show over to Thailand but they just said no to the sex offender. He tried to avoid returning to England by first claiming that his little ears hurt, and then later faking a heart attack. (Oh, PUL-EEZE) He then boarded a flight to Hong Kong (Folks in Thailand told him that if he over stayed the 12 stay in the airport, they would jail him for immigration violations.) But, Hong Kong said they had no room for an foreign sex offender and sent him back to Thailand.

Finally, he is back in London.

Mr. Glitter says that he did not want to return to England because he would be disrespected because of his sex offender ways. Folks in England are forcing him to register as a sex offender.

Of course, I'm cynical. I don't believe that the young children he was caught sexually abusing were the first children he ever used for his own sexual gratification. Men in their 60s don't wake up one morning and decide that the one sexual experience they've never thought of before but must have before they die is sex with a young child. People who sexually offend against young children escalate their actions from fantasy, to pornography, to engaging with children for their own masturbatory uses, to abusing children. I doubt that it was by accident that Mr Glitter found himself wanting to have sex with children and JUST BY CHANCE finding himself in a country in which the sex trade makes finding a child to have sex with fairly easy. (Vietnam, Atlanta, you name it . . . the sex trade is everywhere)

I was pleased to see that even his money and/or celebrity status did not convince those other countries to take a chance on allowing him near their children. I'm glad to see that they didn't buy the logic that he'd "done his time and now deserved a second chance." When it comes to people who sexually abuse children, a second chance could mean more children's lives destroyed. Our society absolutely needs to monitor, closely, sex offenders . . . because once convicted, they are no longer innocent . . . the children in our society at least deserve that we will do what we can to control the offenders we already know about.

Deep, dark secret

2008-08-19T10:06:00.002-04:00

I don't know what other folks imagine when they think of medical personnel. Sympathetic types who went into medicine to heal people? People who are selfless and giving? Money hungry misfits?

I think there is a little of all of those in most medical types. I think that it's often true that the passion that brings you to a profession very often is killed off by the reality of that profession.

One aspect of the work I do is how amazed I am at how easily medical people can be good or bad . . . without really even trying. When people who have experienced violation and abuse seek medical help, they are terribly needy . . . rightfully so. They need not only good medical response, but they need hand holding and care and compassion. Some days, it's too much to ask for a nurse or a doctor to let someone else's pain in so that the needs are met.

However, one thing I notice that always annoys me is when a doctor doesn't want to do their job and make clients suffer because they put it off thinking someone else will fill in.

Case in point . . . lately, my agency has responded to several ER calls involving child or young teen victims. And, it has been a struggle to get doctors to perform the pelvic exam necessary to complete the evidence gathering and/or medical treatment needed.

Most doctors who work in our ER are not specially trained for ER work. Most take a shift or two each month, and there are a few who work more consistently. Most ER doctors have little desire to perform gyno exams on any patient . . . less so on a child. The problem is, the longer they delay or hope they can outlast the shift and another doctor have to do it . . . the longer the child and her/his family have to wait . . . the longer law enforcement have to wait . . . and the more time the perpetrator has to come up with their cover story or leave town or harass the victim and their family.

But, this isn't confined to just ER doctors. I've had mothers tell me that when they have taken their children to their regular pediatricians, they were told that they didn't do "that kind" of exam. I'm blown away at the thought that pediatricians try to avoid going genital exams on children. Um, were all the test child dolls in medical school sans genitals?

It's just one of the frustrations of this work.

A step backwards

2008-08-11T11:18:00.002-04:00

I've been mulling a blog post in my brain for a while now, but haven't managed to put fingers to keyboard yet. However, today, a news article caught my attention that has me wanting to fire off a quick post.

A news story from Ohio says that the catholic church there has issued new guidelines to their priests as to what behavior is and is not appropriate with children. Forbidden now is hugging, kissing, wrestling, lap sitting, etc. Permitted still are handshakes, high fives, and pats on the back.

Now, I'm all for creating clear understanding of what is and isn't appropriate behaviors. And, I am all for protecting children and especially can see the long reaching harm from sexual abuse from within a church.

However, I think we as humans have stepped backwards in our development if we can no longer distinguish between sexualized touch and affection, human support, or appropriate touching.

I don't think I've ever been handed a friend's baby to hold during which I have been able to resist kissing its' little noggin. Last week, while a co-worker and I were working with a local group of camp kids . . . one child spontaneously hugged my co-worker . . . which quickly turned into a group hug. The child initiated it . . . nothing inappropriate happened, and it probably was the right amount of physical contact to help the children feel safe, secure, and cared for in their world.

I would hate to see children lose that aspect of church and spiritual development. I know that members of a church, and ministers develop an often deep, intimate relationship with their spiritual leaders. I'd like to think that in a church, especially one in which there is so much screening, education, and training for the spiritual leaders, would be able to have a more meaningful dialog with their employees. I'd like to think that rather than making children feel unloved and alienated, the church could offer more meaningful supervision and guidance to their leaders.

But, that's me, clearly.

Cheated

2008-07-31T09:29:00.002-04:00

We respond to a lot of young teen victims. I actually feel a particular affinity for these clients. Perhaps because I remember pretty well the frustration of wanting to be grown up and at the same time having rules I didn't understand holding me back, as well as a healthy dose of being totally clueless.

With so many of these, mostly girls, I see kids who may or may not have adequate supervision from their parents . . . or I see that they have, already at such young ages, been asked to absorb so many problems well beyond their own levels of maturity. And, I see girls who want to be grown up and men who will tell them whatever they want to hear for a bit of action.

When I talk to girls, I try to convey . . . and as I get older, I suspect I'm less convincing . . . that jumping straight from meeting a guy, flirting a bit, to having sex is skipping over a lot of fun stuff. It's fun to have a crush . . . to wait for the phone call . . . to walk on cloud 9 because he did call . . . to have him hold your hand . . . that first nervous kiss. Being a teen is hard enough without cheating yourself out of the stuff that makes being a teen fun.

I also try to address my idea that decent guys wouldn't ask you to break rules, get in trouble with parents (or police/DSS), ask you to risk getting pregnant or an STD. I try to convince girls that one of the reasons 22 year old guys are interested in 13 year old girls is because girls their own age expect them to be adults and 13 year olds don't expect much. I point out that if I'm a 20 year old girl dating a 20 year old boy, I expect him to have a job, to be in school, to call when he says he is . . . to show up on time . . . and to be honest, reliable, etc. Whereas, if I'm a 13 year old girl dating a 20 year old guy . . . any attention he pays is enough . . . even if he's selling drugs or not working or disrespectful of me, my family, and friends.

I'm not really advocating a return to "past values." I'm really not. There are all kinds of problems with the power dynamic created by the "traditional" dating. But, I'm thinking some mutual respect and shared power in a relationship has to be better than 13 year olds being labeled "problem" children and arrested for "running away" when they were lured by men who should know better. I'm also frustrated by the trend I see in these cases, where we assign more responsibility and blame to the kid who got caught up in feeling grown up than the adult who manipulated and acted criminally.

"Cherry Picking"

2008-07-29T00:09:00.004-04:00

Yeah, I like crime TV. Although, my husband refuses to watch any fictional work that includes a sexual assault because I always end up pointing out the errors or inconsistencies. I find it a bit maddening that rarely are Rape Victim Advocates included in story lines . . . and when they are, it is always as an obstruction or potential victim.

Tonight, The Closer fell back on a favorite story line for rape cases. The group of white, upper-middle class boys who rape girls as part of a bet or competition. Most crime shows eventually use this story line. Generally, this story line can make the boys out to be unsympathetic creatures while appealing to adults who see victims as either wholly innocent or "asking for it." And, there is usually some power dynamic involved, some extra layer of entitlement to really add to the story line.

The Closer got a few details right . . . in the real world, there is a small subset of men who rape . . . but they have multiple victims. Also, in the real world, surrounding the group of rapists are "facilitators" who assist the perps in gaining access to victims and/or help them get away with it. Surrounding the facilitators are bystanders . . . they may be vaguely aware of what is going on . . . or not . . . and they have power to reinforce a group norm or not.

The fact of the matter is, rarely are perpetrators wholly evil and rarely are victims wholly innocent or "asking for it." When we as a society can have a more realistic grasp on what the real issues around rape are . . . perhaps we can create real responses and preventions.

For more information about the realities about young, middle class folks involved in rape culture, check out this video/research.

Woman Centered

2008-07-22T10:56:00.004-04:00

I'm kinda an "old school" feminist. I had early childhood experiences in the San Francisco Bay area in the early 1970s. I told my father he was a male chauvinist pig for the first time when I was 8 years old (because he wanted me to dry dishes while he and my brothers watched tv). I remember seeing my mom's belly dancing group perform in parks on Saturdays.

I appreciate the woman centered experience.

Today I read a blog entry from a crew member of the Anthony Bourdain show No Reservations. The producer is a woman, her chief assistant is a woman, and their recent televised show was filmed in Saudia Arabia . . . and was largely led by a couple of Saudi women. You can read the entry here.

This is what I appreciate about the blog entry . . . and the fact of the conditions described. Here is a society that is uber male oriented/dominated. And, yet, the women have found a way to create woman centered times/intimacy in the midst of it. I have to appreciate that.

Irony

2008-07-09T21:00:00.002-04:00

Being in a small, southern town, I sometimes am a bit behind when it comes to learning of the scandalous news stories. I read the NY Times when I can, I read several blogs . . . some feminist, others for pure fun. I've seen the site Jezebel . . . but was off put by the sordid sex details.

So, today, I see in a blog I read that there has been quite the uproar over two of the Jezebel writers who made a drunken appearance on Lizz Winstead's show "Thinking and Drinking."

I've always liked Lizz Winstead . . . she is smart and funny and I'm willing to believe her version of the events. You can see her reaction to the show and clips from the show here.

The women ramble on about the issue of rape. I think they went off the rails by over personalizing rather than speaking about the issue. One woman, who is a self proclaimed "slut" says that she has never been raped. But, I suspect that she is really declaring that she has never had an experience that she felt terrified her sufficiently to define it as rape. I found her statement that she may have never been raped because she's "smart" particularly offensive. The other woman talks of her own rape experiences . . . she is obviously saddened by the stories, but then trivializes them by saying that she didn't want the hassle of reporting the rapist and she had important things like drinking to do.

This became the topic of conversation in our office. I believe the consensus was that as women who make their livelihood from writing about feminist issues, they do, indeed, have a responsibility to choose their words more carefully. The two dangers I see in their attitudes are a) that a victim viewing this will feel even more shamed by their cavalier attitudes and be even less inclined to seek comfort and support and b) they give fuel to the people who think that rape is exaggerated and that women are just whining when it's really not so bad.

We also came to the conclusion that we don't embrace the brand of feminism that seems to say "if you can't fix it, join it." I have seen young women behave in ways that can only be described as mimicking what they imagine to be men's behavior. They shut down their own sense of boundaries, and seem to believe that being a "slut" is an expression of their feminism. I'm all for people choosing the lifestyle they believe fulfills them as people . . . but too often I see the young women continue to be unhappy with their relationships and themselves. Living a sexually "open" lifestyle takes work and a very highly developed sense of boundaries. Acting as if you should be sexually available to anyone without regard for your own wants, needs, and feelings isn't choosing a lifestyle . . . it's giving up.

But, back to the Jezebel women . . . one of the young women who was in the audience wrote about the performance and her disappointment in her "feminist heroes" in her personal blog. One of the Jezebel women left a comment on her blog, and the young woman backed down in her criticism. Their excuse for their socially irresponsible behavior? They were drunk.

The Problem with Children

2008-06-30T10:30:00.002-04:00

Last week was an interesting week for children and sexual abuse. We've been discussing the supreme court decision and contrasting it with the 16 city sweep of sex traffickers.

We are torn on the issue of the death penalty for people who rape young children. On one hand, we all wish we lived in a culture where the death penalty was not necessary or a consideration. We also all believe that the death penalty is not a deterrent to crime. But, we also acknowledge that there are some offenders who are so terrible and have such a long history of vicious attacks on our society . . . that we don't want our tax dollars keeping them alive.

Most of us in the office understand an economic argument for the death penalty. Our society has limited resources . . . and unfortunately, we have to pick and choose those issues and groups of people we will devote resources towards. It happens all the time. Every time we cut free lunches or supportive services to communities with big military deployments . . . we are deciding who deserves our resources and who doesn't.

At the same time this ruling was made . . . federal officials were rescuing trafficked children. If anyone deserves to "disappear" from the planet . . . I think it would be someone who sexually enslaves children for profit, no?

Closing out

2008-06-20T09:09:00.002-04:00

This week, as the fiscal year (for those who know our office, shall I say "physical" . . . it's a joke with our staff because we run into so many folks who "out rank" us who insist on pronouncing "fiscal" as "physical" . . . and we decide to let that get on our nerves rather than, you know, like rape and stuff.)

Anyway, back on subject, the staff is working to close out cases . . . figure out which client files can be put in the locked filing cabinet that only I have a key to as opposed to the locked filing cabinet our client services folks have keys to.

I was struck by the contrasts of two cases I closed out yesterday. One involved a woman who reported sexual harassment, including 3rd degree sexual assault, in her work place. She told her supervisor what happened immediately . . . the supervisor referred her to our office and their internal HR office. (the right thing). We offered support, information . . . and she decided to file a grievance with HR. Her file notes say that HR did absolutely everything right. They listened to her . . . reassured her that they would do everything to keep the matter private . . . reprimanded the harasser . . . offered the client a change of job to minimize repeated contact with the perp . . . and kept her well informed of the case as it was handled. She was able to resume her day to day work in a short time and feels confident and secure in her job. YAY!

Then, the contrasting case was one of a young woman who initially reported a rape by a family member. The worker noted that the behavior of the client's mother seemed a tad inappropriate but that the client seemed to take it in stride so the worker said nothing about it. Later, the victim recanted her story. But, the condition of her recanting is chilling. She revealed that her youngest child (an infant) was fathered by her father. This case is working it's way through our court system and that her older child was fathered by her stepfather in another state. Apparently the case of that sexual abuse is winding it's way through another state's court systems.

What was even more chilling than the prospect of this child being forced to bear and care for children who were results of sexual violence . . . was that her mother had forced her to make up the most recent rape report. The mother's logic was that if the girl falsely reported a rape, was caught having falsely reported rape . . . then the case against the stepfather (who is also the mother's current husband) would be dropped because the girl would gain the reputation as having lied about being raped. We were sick over it. We are still helping her. And, suggested to the officer that perhaps an investigation into the mother might do some good.

On one hand, we have the perfect case . . . and on the other one in which everything has gone wrong from a long time ago. Hopefully, this time next year, I'll be more hopeful about the second case.

Vacation and back again

2008-06-11T12:11:00.002-04:00

I recently took a real vacation. Not family obligation tour. Not a day or two off to get tasks accomplished around the house. A real vacation. Flying . . . taxis . . . . all new restaurants.

It was actually kind of nice to, for several days in a row, not be "rape crisis lady." I think I got through the entire vacation without once telling anyone what I do for work, and what exactly that means.

And, the first night back, I took an ER call. Nothing like a stark reminder of the two sides of life. In this particular case, the most notable part was we actually had a woman doctor in the ER! I can't remember how long it has been since that has happened. And, I remember thinking during all of the goings on that there was such a tremendous difference between the female doctor and the men. This doctor apologized to the victim for asking her to repeat her story AGAIN . . . she got the speculum in with a single, smooth motion, and she worked quickly while keeping the victim well informed of her actions. Before examining the victim, she made sure the victim had a safe home to return to after the exam was over.

It was a nice way to remember why we do this work . . . and I is always renewing for me to see women working together for another who has been hurt.

Imagine

2008-06-02T10:35:00.003-04:00

I'm going to give some prompts . . . I want you to form a mental picture of three things . . . the victim, the perp, and the situation.

Imagine I told you that I spent 4 hours this morning in the ER with a victim. What do you imagine for the victim? the perp? the situation that led to the rape?

Now, imagine I tell you that the victim was a 51 year old woman. Do your mental pictures change any? What if I say she's 15? Or 9? Or 22? What if I say that the accused perp were 15? or 22? or 51? Or 9?

What if I told you that this woman was hispanic? Any changes? What if I told you she were middle eastern? Anything change? What if I told you the perp were white? Not white? Foreign?

What if I told you that I saw a woman in the ER who was disabled? Does your mental picture change? Would it change if I told you she were a veteran? Or homeless? Or had a history of arrests for prostitution? Or was a nun? What if I told you the perp were homeless? Or a known criminal? Or had a long history of mental illness? Or was a well respected community leader?

It is difficult to not let the mental picture change. I admit that when the pager goes off, and I speak to the ER charge nurse . . . some descriptions immediately bring more or less flattering mental pictures. For example, when I hear it's a college student, I have to force myself to not assume the student was intoxicated. Or, if I hear that it is an elderly woman . . . I have to tell myself to keep an open mind about the victim's ability to advocate for herself.

The problem is that for too many people, the worth of the victim and her/his experience is weighed by the labels we can attach to the victim. If the victim is a teen, many people will assume she is lying. If the victim has a history of substance abuse or prostitution or criminal activity . . . many folks will just dismiss the victim's experience all together.

We need to keep in mind that rape isn't JUST a gender issue. It encompasses how we feel about people who are different from us. Race, class, ethnicity, abilities, age, etc all play a part in how our society regards and reacts to victims.

We need to remember that the label "victim" is all we need to be compassionate in our response.

Fall out

2008-05-23T09:28:00.002-04:00

I'm concerned what the ruling in the Texas polygamy case is going to do to child protective services all over the country.

The OJ Simpson case taught law enforcement to be more cautious about arresting quickly. Especially just after the case . . . and the televised lashing handed out to police in that trial . . . I saw law enforcement worry about building an "air tight" case before arresting suspects. The problem is that sometimes, that would take weeks, and victims were left feeling unheard and scared for their lives.

The Duke case has made law enforcement a bit skittish if the victim isn't a "good victim" . . . meaning someone with a record so clean they could run for public office.

Now, seeing the state of Texas claim that the children on the ranch weren't in "immediate danger" and that the rescuing of those children invalid . . . I'm afraid that it will be even harder for children across the country to be rescued.

I don't see how the state of Texas had any choice . . . given the information they had . . . but to take those children. Most states are mandated to protect the children in their state from abuse . . . emotional, physical, sexual, and abandonment. In any state in the country, if Child Protective Services received a call from a teen ager saying she'd been forced into a marriage, forced to bear children, and was being physically abused . . . they would have to intervene. In my state, we first try to get a non-offending parent to take responsibility for the child's safety. Meaning, boot the offender out . . . prevent further abuses, and tend to the child's healing. If the non-offending parent is unavailable or unable or unwilling to take on that responsibility, then the state must, at least temporarily, take custody of the child.

I'm afraid that this case being over turned is going to have ripple effects across the nation . . . and that the people who will suffer are children in the most desperate of circumstances.

Missed the point

2008-05-16T10:43:00.002-04:00

The other day a friend told me of her child's latest fear. The night before, as they were wrapping up the sleepy time ritual, the child became terrified. She didn't want her mother to leave her side. She tearfully explained that she was afraid someone would take her, put her in a cave, and give her bad lollipops.

My friend was at a loss. She ended up holding her child's hand until well after 1am when the child finally went to sleep.

I asked if "stranger danger" had been presented at pre-school. The mother said it had. Clearly, there is a line between teaching children caution and scaring the ever-loving crap out of them.

For pre-school aged children, I would have suggested that the school meet with all the parents and present a program of information about the realities of child safety with a discussion about steps parents can take to better supervise, select better baby sitters, and be more proactive in the overall safety of their children. If a program were presented to children, I would have wanted it to be more empowering and up beat . . . for 3 year olds.

This event followed on the heels of a story a client told me about her church's program on child abuse. She said that they showed all the women in the church a video. In the video the man she described as the "bishop" explained to the women that they way they could insure that their men not sexually abuse their baby girls was for mothers to never allow fathers to change diapers. Apparently, simply viewing a baby's genitals during a routine diaper change is enough to make any man lose all control over their passions.

Somewhere along the line, we are missing the point.

Annoyance

2008-05-09T14:43:00.003-04:00

While doing the daily scan for headlines concerning sexual violence issues, I found a story about an international hunt for a suspected child rapist. The man in question was arrested, and admits to having traveled to a third world country for the purpose of having sex with young boys. A search of his home turned up 1,000 sexually explicit photos of children and little boy underpants, including at least one pair the suspect described as being a souvenir from his "date" over seas.

But, it gets better . . . this guy made his living entertaining at children's parties and playing santa.

My annoyance comes in from the neighbors and acquaintances quoted in the story about the arrest . . . and I see this sort of thing all the time locally. They all say that he was a wonderful guy and the best santa ever and that he never molested their children so they can't believe these charges are true.

When people express sentiments like this . . . they are working several things at once. They want to reassure themselves that their children weren't victimized and they are trying to wrap their brains around the fact they didn't spot the pervert from 100 yards. But, saying things like this can work to silence victims and their families as well as legitimize the deviant behaviors practiced by people like this guy.

Boundaries

2008-05-06T13:50:00.002-04:00

One of the requirements of any type of social work is to have boundaries. I have maintained that doing this sort of work is a life style choice rather than just a job. At the same time, that also means there is a fine line between being available when needed and having no boundaries.

At the same time, I will admit that I am probably harder on student interns than any other group I work with. When my agency accepts an intern, we put a lot of work into that internship. Our whole staff has to make room for helping the student have the most valuable learning experience. Students who are seeking a direct service experience must complete volunteer training before their internship semester. We also require that interns be on call during the work week during their internship semester. We do this because it is the one way we can insure that they get several opportunities to respond to ER calls. But, there are also some pretty significant responsibilities that come with this sort of work. I have to be confident that anyone representing our agency can live up to the responsibilities.

The point to all this was to wind up to a rant. Recently, I received a call from a college student seeking an internship opportunity. She called outside normal business hours. When I responded to the message on my pager, I called back and left a message that I would be in the office the next day and stressed the business hours of our office. I thought that would be hint enough.

But, within 10 minutes, she called me back by hitting redial with her caller ID. This meant that she called my home back. I explained that she'd called my home, that my message clearly asked her to call the office during office hours, and that it was inappropriate for her to call me back at home this way.

Well, several days later, and she has not called back. I have to say, it's a good thing . . . she wouldn't have gotten an internship with us anyway. I am a stickler for following simple instructions. And, I expect students to conduct themselves professionally . . . especially since they are practicing skills they will need once they start doing this work for pay.

BOO, HISS

2008-04-30T23:57:00.002-04:00

One of the top reasons victims say they decide not to report a sex crime is because they fear everyone finding out. And, in "everyone" finding out . . . they fear the reactions they will be forced to face. The disbelief . . . the stupid questions . . . the taking sides . . . or even more violence.

My office is vigilant to keep an eye on the crime reports in our local paper . . . should they give too much detail. And, more than once, we have reacted to help our local paper better walk the line between reporting news and being sensitive to victims.

So, imagine my annoyance when I read that the gossip mongers TMZ have published a story in which they name a sex crime victim. They name the victim because apparently, he is the son of someone famous. The victim isn't famous beyond his parentage.

There are a variety of problems with this . . . one, more and more I see "mainstream" media reporting the stories that TMZ has reported . . . and used the logic that since TMZ has already named names . . . it is okay for them to do it too. Also, this sort of exposure leaves the victim and his family open to all kinds of nut jobs and wackos thinking that they now have a say or a stake in the story. At a time when the family needs healing and good assistance . . . they will find themselves hounded by relentless photographers. And lastly, especially with my younger clients . . . sometimes people out in the various communities don't understand the differences between media reports and what happens in their own communities. I wonder how many teenagers are now going to be afraid to come forward and ask for assistance because they see a victim's face being smeared all over the internet and television?

TMZ was irresponsible and mean. And, their actions will have a ripple effect across many many communities. Thanks a hell of a lot, TMZ.

Another thing

2008-04-28T16:25:00.002-04:00

I like to joke in my office that I'm "slow on the uptake" sometimes. It's because I often think of the issue that is at the heart of the matter sometime later. I take comfort in knowing that I do consider issues beyond the initial conversation . . . and I'm not at all bothered by the fact that it often takes some reflection to really take in the whole situation.

Initially Miley Cyrus said that she was pleased with the artistic nature of the photos and thought they were good. After the media firestorm started swirling, she gave an interview that contained a prepared statement saying that she is now embarrassed over the pictures.

First of all, it sounds a bit canned. I suspect that the embarrassment is really more an issue of being in the Disney stable. Second, why haven't her parents or manager come to the public and made a statement about their own involvement and approval and response? I find it disturbing that when this child is being chided publicly for a photo shoot that she was involved in . . . but certainly not alone . . . that the responsible adults involved had turned tail and allowed a child to take the brunt of the fall out.

If we are upset because she's a child being portrayed in an adult way . . . we should be even more upset that she is now expected to step up and be the adult in the face of a negative response.

Exploitation

2008-04-28T09:23:00.002-04:00

By now, there has been much public attention focused on the picture(s) of Miley Cyrus in the magazine Vanity Fair. In the photo made public in the media, the 15 year old starlet is seen naked, with a satin sheet wrapped around her, she is looking directly into the camera over her shoulder, and her hair is mussed as if she is just getting up from sex. The expression and gaze are sophisticated and hint at sexual knowledge and experience. You have the youthful round face of someone not yet an adult contrasted with the very adult setting, nudity, and sexuality.

My first thought was "didn't Britney Spears appear in a photo with similar sexual overtones?"

I am concerned that profit is being made from marketing this young woman's sexuality. By publishing this photo, the magazine is furthering the acceptance of the notion that children are valid objects for sexualization. Printing such sexualized photos grants the faceless consumer sexual access to a child. And, although this young woman was paid for the picture, she was paid only a fraction of the money others will make from the photos . . . and this is coming really close to fitting the definition of trafficking.

I am distressed at the many many shows and media outlets that tell young women that if they are willing to take their clothes off, or pose for sexualized photos, or grant people sexual access to their bodies . . . that they too can be living the lifestyles of the rich and infamous. We have "celebrities" who became celebrities because they made sex tapes that became public. We have the whole "girls gone wild" phenomena. There are prostituted women who are seen as glamorous and savvy because the men who hire them pay thousands of dollars rather than a few. We have the recasting of strip clubs as "gentlemen's clubs."

Taken in their totality, it seems that we are moving backwards as a culture.

FMG, American Style

2008-04-14T09:44:00.003-04:00

While flipping through news websites last Friday afternoon, I came across a bit that some actress had quipped that she'd recently had "vaginal rejuvenation surgery" and was back on the dating market.

Intrigued, my co-workers and I discussed what this surgery would be . . . and then looked it up on the web. We found an article from the New York Times. The article explained that this surgery might include removal of parts of the labia, or tightening of vaginal muscles, or in some rare cases a reconstruction of a hymen.

The article went on to explain that some women have a labia that is slightly larger than "normal" and that having excess labia might interfere with wearing tight pants or riding a bike. (no, seriously) We aren't talking about people who have serious malformations. We are talking about normal functioning women who didn't "realize" that they had less than delicate genitals until they had an opportunity to compare themselves to women in porn.

One woman said that her labia was nearly 1/2 an inch too big and that it caused her no end of embarrassment. Other women said that they wanted the surgery to appear or be more sexually desirable to the man/men in their lives.

First of all . . . I imagine that only in the united states do we have the money and leisure to throw towards such unnecessary surgery. Second of all, as a friend of mine says from time to time, makes me sad in my heart that our society has so ingrained in women the ideal of "perfect beauty" that they would risk losing all sexual sensation (from nerve damage/loss of nerve tissue from such a surgery) in order to meet some distorted notion of "pretty." Thirdly, aren't we fighting against this exact sort of ignorance in some third world countries? Isn't the justification for FMG in those cultures that removal of labial tissues make a woman more desirable for a man? Isn't recreation of a hymen playing into exactly the justification these other cultures have for sewing women up over and over and over again?

Sad in my heart.

Put your money where your heart is. . .

2008-04-09T10:03:00.002-04:00

One of the many cool aspects of the conference on sex trafficking I attended recently was the tote bags we were given as part of our conference materials.

They are Freeset Bags . . . and are made in India by a woman who had been trafficked. The women who make these bags are afforded a living wage and decent work hours.

The bags are lovely, have a great story behind them, and offer the carriers the opportunity to make a public statement against the world's oldest form of oppression.

So much

2008-04-07T10:49:00.002-04:00

Last week, I attended an international conference on sex trafficking. It was intense, and I'm still trying to wind down from it all . . . and the traveling.

Millions of women and children are trafficked across the world for the purpose of modern day slavery . . . whether for domestic services or sexual slavery or involuntary organ donation. All too often, local law enforcement see the women and children who are trafficked for sexual slavery as willing participants or criminals . . . not as disenfranchised persons who are in the most need of compassion and assistance.

You'll hear more about this later.

But, the question of the day . . . would you wear a t-shirt that proclaimed that you'd been raped?

I have mixed feelings. So many of the women I see are terrified of our community finding out about their rape . . . because the stigma is still so great. I also worry that the scary, violent, or ignorant people on the planet would use such a declaration as an invitation to inflict meanness.

But, I can also see that someone who has healed, and who does want to take an activist stand, would find wearing such a shirt empowering. I understand the argument that we perpetuate the shame and stigma by operating in secrecy for our clients. (For the record, I believe that clients should determine when and to whom they disclose their victimization . . . and until they choose that for themselves, I will respect their right to privacy.)

Secondary victims

2008-04-02T10:50:00.003-04:00

When our agency serves primary victims of sexual violence . . . meaning the people the violence actually happened to . . . we are also on the lookout for secondary victims who may need help. A secondary victim, as you may have guessed, is a family member, roommate, or good friend/partner of the primary victim.

When we work with Moms . . . often I see a delayed emotional reaction. Moms tend to move themselves into a mode of being the caregiver . . . the person handling the details of medical care and interacting with law enforcement, the courts, and support agencies. I warn Moms that they may find that once the primary victim starts to function more normally, then they may relax to the point where they experience their own emotional response.

When I work with roommates, we talk about fear . . . and the need to balance their own desire to be supportive but also taking care of themselves.

It goes on . . . over the years we have seen trends in how people react . . . based on their own position and personalities.

I was recently in the ER with a young woman. She was with her mother and sister. She was very open to assistance and seemed to have very good support from her family. She was not interested in reporting the crime to law enforcement. She could articulate why she was making this decision . . . and had a pretty clear idea what she did want as well.

I could see from her mother's reactions that mom didn't really agree. I think the mother was hoping I would have some magic words to reverse her adult daughter's decision. There was a quiet moment when I could talk to the mom on her own. I explained that it was important that her daughter be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself . . . that the perpetrator had taken the right to make decisions away from her daughter and that she would "heal" better, faster if we could restore decision making back to her, even if we don't agree with those decisions. The expression on the mom's face told me that she understood, and ultimately wanted what was best for her daughter. And, I could see that the mom was relieved that her concerns had been understood too.

SAAM

2008-03-28T09:55:00.002-04:00

Years ago, a friend who does this work in another community was expecting a baby. The baby was due in April, and we learned it was a girl. For months, we begged and teased the mother-to-be that she should name her daughter Sam.

SAAM (pronounced Sam) is Sexual Assault Awareness Month . . . or as we in the business think of it "April."

Every year, it is a challenge to plan new and exciting activities and events to capture the attention and interest of people in our community. This year, we have given ourselves an extra challenge of creating not just Awareness activities, but activities that will engage people and hopefully inspire them to work with us for longer term change.

This year, our focus population is college aged men. We have a week of activities on the local college campus planned to bring men to the table, peak their interest, and then sign them up to be mentors as well as help us petition the college to strengthen the language in the school's sexual assault policy.

We are hosting a "Dorm Storm" . . . and are lucky enough to have a frat that will go into all the men's dorms and put up posters and create a scene so that students are drawn to the action. We will be having a "white ribbon" campaign . . . asking men to sign a pledge that they will not condone, commit, or remain silent about sexual violence. All of the campus police will tie white ribbons to their vehicles in support of this activity. And, we have t-shirts that were designed by a student group we will be distributing to men on campus . . . and encouraging them to wear them to the spring football scrimmage for fun and prizes.

Our hope is that we will shift the thinking about sexual violence from "it's a girl thing" to "it's a problem for women, but an issue for men."

Non-profit world vs. corporate world

2008-03-27T10:07:00.002-04:00

One of our co-workers is working through a family emergency right now. A grandparent is dying. The grandparent has been ill for some time, but has move down hill rapidly this week. I expect there will be a funeral early next week to attend.

As it would happen, next week is one of the busiest weeks on our calendars. A major fundraising campaign is ending next week, a major progress report is due, Sexual Assault Awareness Month kicks off with a week of activities, and I will be gone half the week attending a conference. Months of planning and work have gone into many of the activities planned for next week.

But, in non-profit world, especially crisis work non-profit world, we do this everyday.

With a couple well placed phone calls and emails . . . we have shifted coverage for all the activities and everything is moving smoothly.

Thats just what we do in non-profit crisis response world.

Quote of the week

2008-03-24T09:38:00.002-04:00

Last week, one of our workers spoke to a women's civic group. You know, the nice older ladies who plant gardens and make sure local libraries have books.

Anyway, one of the nice older ladies said that her grandchild had come home from school the other day and said to her . . . with all seriousness . . .

Grammy Anita (name changed to protect the innocent), don't you ever let anyone touch your testicles."

She assured him that she would never let anyone touch her testicles.

Earning my keep

2008-03-23T18:48:00.003-04:00

I know I've not written an entry in a while. My writing efforts are directed at grant season. My agency is a small, grassroots type organization. We aren't one of those large, foundation based organizations. So, each year, I have to write grants to keep our doors open and staff paid.

My husband teaches, and about this time of year starts getting term papers. I love the many, many reasons students have for not getting their papers written and/or turned in on time. In turn, my husband tells his students about how someday, keeping their jobs may depend upon getting a "term paper" in on time.

Imagine this, if you will. You spend all year doing your job. Getting up in the middle of the night to the blaring of the pager. You attend endless meetings. You generate reports and reports and reports. Then, as if none of that matters, you must reapply for your funding. You must generate an "application" that looks into not just what you accomplished in the past year, but what you promise to accomplish in the coming year. You answer specific questions in limited space. You generate attachments. You chase down board members to sign the application, and assurances you don't discriminate or send your money to terrorists.

There is an art to estimating what you can accomplish in the coming year . . . as well as how much money you will spend. You want to appear to be moving forward without promising to deliver the impossible. At the same time, you want to have reasonable expenses but you don't want to find yourself out of funds before the end of the year. At the same time, how do you estimate how many miles, exactly, you and your staff will travel each week a year from now? And how do you estimate how much you will pay for utilities a year from now?

Then, once you finish the application and double check each page to make sure you don't have glaring errors or gaps. Then, you make copies. The last grant I submitted was 105 pages long and required 13 copies, 3 hole punched. (And, I have one of the smaller grants submitted to this funder because I have only one program I for which I request funds.)

With some grants, a committee reviews what you have submitted. I have found that often the people who serve on these committees may or may not have a personal agenda. Other times, some of the people who serve on these committees don't have specific understanding of what victim service agencies do on a day to day basis. I've had committees ask me why don't we just lobby for women to have a curfew to keep them safe. One year, I had a committee come back and ask why we don't spend equal resources on male victims as female. Let's see . . . last year we had a total of 367 people served . . . of which 20 were male. Say we had a budget of $100,000. I don't see spending $50,000 on 20 victims and $50,000.00 on the other 347 victims.

Because I take seriously my responsibility to be a good steward of public funds, I get really annoyed when other non-profits abuse their funds. Every time a non-profit leader misuses, steals, or fudges their funds . . . all non-profits become objects of suspicion.

Also, it is a lot of pressure to know that other people are counting on me to do a good job on the grants so that they can keep their jobs, possibly get a little raise.

And, I really dislike feeling like I have to compete with other non-profits to keep our doors open. I struggle to walk the fine line between promoting how really good my agency is and not running down other agencies doing this work.

Epidemic

2008-03-12T09:32:00.002-04:00

For this entry, I reference this article from the NY TIMES.

Studies have shown that a quarter of teen aged girls have a std. The study tested girls for four of the most common stds and found that half African American girls and twenty percent of white girls have at least one of the stds.

I find it interesting that the remedies suggested included widespread testing and vaccinating against the diseases. Only deep into the article, and in the form of a quote, is there mention that perhaps the trend could be reversed with comprehensive sexual education in our schools.

My more cynical side wonders if half of the white girls, or if the girls in the study came only from "middle to upper middle class" families, if there would be widespread cries for change? I also notice there is no mention of boys. I doubt that only girls have stds. I would be curious to see if such a study would ever be done on boys. I think parents, and our society, are much more willing to subject girls to an invasive and humiliating exam than boys.

Update

2008-03-10T08:59:00.003-04:00

There has been an arrest in the case of the Auburn student who was murdered last week. The man charged in the case has been charged with, among things, attempted rape. According to the story in the NY Times, there appears to be no prior connection between the accused and the victim.

In another media report, a young woman, probably a student, was quoted as saying that students need to be more careful and that she'd seen women running at night with their iPods on, and how that just isn't safe.

I understand that we like to believe that we can control our environments and the people around us. We still cling the the notion that women hold responsibility for the behavior of men. We still assign to women more responsibility for their safety than men.

The fact of the matter is, you should be able to leave your personal belongings in your car, with the doors unlocked and windows open, and NO ONE should reach in and take them. Somewhere along the line, we forget that one of the first lessons we learn as children is to not touch what doesn't belong to us.

I feel this urge to, along with changing the messages we give men in the name of rape prevention, that we need to work on changing the attitudes women have about their own responsibility for the criminal actions of others.

Very bad

2008-03-07T21:30:00.002-05:00

I wrote an entry earlier today about the two young women who were murdered on college campuses this week, but it seems to have disappeared.

I'll try to recreate what I wrote earlier. I've been having a hard time with personalizing, projecting in these cases.

I have a friend who sent me an op-ed piece earlier this year that made the point that some of the more horrifying shootings on school campuses have links to violence against women. The piece called for stronger social reactions to the "milder" forms of violence such as stalking and threats in order to prevent mass shootings and the more "severe" forms of violence.

It is too early yet to comment on what the possible motives could have been in either killing this week. I suspect that in both cases, the perpetrator saw young, slim, "nice" women as easier targets than someone who might at first glance be seen as more threatening.

I can't help but feel tremendous sympathy for the parents and friends of these young women. The Auburn student was, according to a media report I read, in a sorority. Those friendships are intense and develop quickly. I believe the killer victimized all the young women who called her "sister." The young woman in North Carolina seems to have been a rising star, someone who would give more to our world than she would take. I can't help but think that her parents were so close to being able to see their precious graduate from college. Surely, as student body president, she would have had many events to attend, honors to receive, and would have been a speaker at the graduation. It seems that all of that campus has been victimized. I can't help but think ahead to the graduation and realize that there will be a pall on those ceremonies.

And, at the root of it all, is a culture that so glorifies violence that we create people who can commit this sort of crime in the first place.

Recognition?

2008-02-28T15:30:00.003-05:00

One of the things I struggle with is recognition, for my agency. I understand that even in saying "rape crisis center" there is an icky factor most people won't face. I understand that you can never make reference to my agency and have a happy thought. But, we do good work. Our clients are worthy of recognition as "community success stories" too.

Today I attended a community celebration of our volunteers and service agencies. It was a nice way to encourage service by recognizing what is already done by so many in our community. It was a nice opportunity to see some of the really innovative programs one doesn't normally hear about.

But, I was once again struck by how easily my agency is excluded. Speakers, time and time again, referred to services for "families struggling with domestic violence and services for sexually abused children." (Not that I think those victims/services aren't just as worthy as mine) I am almost tempted to raise my hand and ask if they realize that adult women are innocent victims too? It seems to me that our culture has a hard time accepting that victimization is victimization, and that we ought not judge the victims more harshly than we judge the perpetrators of crime, violence, and fear.

Numbers game

2008-02-27T11:07:00.004-05:00

One of the functions that is necessary in this sort of work is keeping up with numbers. We need to be able to show our funders that we are indeed serving the people we claim we are . . . and we need to be able to track our own services and contrast them by the needs we are seeing. For example, I'm currently writing a grant for some money to pay for professional counseling for adult clients who can't afford counseling or don't have adequate insurance coverage.

Accepting the numbers agencies like mine submit takes a little faith and a little bit of a critical eye. I remember a few years ago, a similar agency reported that they fielded 1,500 crisis line calls but only assisted 7 clients. Or when an agency in a community with a total population of 20,000 says that they provided victim services to 2,000 new and unique victims in a year. Or, when an agency in a community of 500,000 only served 3 victims of sexual violence in a year.

One of the questions we constantly ask ourselves is: how do we report accurately the number of people we serve and the units of service we offer. Some agencies will say "we provided shelter to 1,200 people last year" when their shelter sleeps 7. Or, another agency said they provided support group services to 5,000 people in the course of 52 weeks. Clearly, these organizations are leading folks to believe that units of service and individuals served are the same thing.

In my agency, we work hard to be clear in our numbers. We have developed a report from which all funder reports are pulled . . . and when the funder's report leaves us feeling as if it doesn't adequately express all we do, we give them a copy of our internal reporting. It is a two second report . . . that fits on one sheet of paper. One part reflects the individuals served, categorized by type of victimization. When we have an individual who has experienced multiple victimizations, we count them for the primary abuse that first brought them to our agency. If someone stops contact with us, and several months pass before contacting us again, if there has been a new victimization, they get counted as if they are a whole new person. We do this not to bolster our numbers but to reflect the amount of violence in our community.

The second part of the report shows the units of service. In a month, we may serve 12 new victims/survivors but answer our crisis line 28 times. One client who is seen in the ER typically has, at minimum, 3 crisis line calls, an er call, a follow up call, and one or two "information and referral" services.

We also report how many calls are taken outside normal business hours to demonstrate that even when personnel aren't physically in the office, services are offered and used.

And, lastly, we don't have a computerized client record system. Yet. If we were to purchase such a system, we would also have to put it on a machine that is not connected to the internet or networked with our other computers. I would rather use paper and pencil than ever have to call clients and tell them that our records were hacked. The question we haven't resolved yet is how long do we keep client records. I'm starting to think that 10 years is long enough . . . but I have a sneaking feeling that if we shredded records, the next week something would get requested by the courts.

Which opens a whole new box of worms. Because we do not do professional therapy in our office, I don't feel that we need to keep extensive notes on clients or assessments. Our client records really give us the demographic information we need for reports and brief, factual, notes on the crime. I have had the courts request our files before . . . and because we don't keep extensive records on individuals . . . our client records have never been judged by a Judge to be worth sharing in a trial. I think this is one of the great advantages of a small, grassroots type organization.

Downward spiral

2008-02-22T10:51:00.002-05:00

One of the questions that stumps folks doing anti-rape work is "how does someone become a sex offender?"

Several years ago, I had the misfortune to watch one of my friends go from being an upstanding citizen to a convict. I know that every sex offender has their own story and motivations. This story isn't intended to excuse his behavior, let him off the hook, or minimize the pain he caused a wide circle of people. It is merely the retelling of one story . . . not too different from gaining value from hearing survivor stories.

When I was still green behind the ears, many years ago, I met a local youth counselor. For the purposes of this story, I'll call him Fred. Fred was one of the first community people to take our training class. One of the things that impressed me is that he seemed really concerned about the few youth he worked with who were struggling with sexual idenity. This immediately made him stand out . . . in that at that time, in this small community, lots of folks didn't even want to acknowledge that homosexuality existed, much less that there might be one or two HERE.

Over the years, Fred and I ended up on quite a few committees or boards together. He was older than me by a couple of decades . . . but still seemed to relate well to troubled kids. He never married, and it seemed to me that he was kinda trapped. Looking around, I see that it is fairly difficult for people in this community with a high level of education, who "aren't from here", and super busy jobs to really find a mate. Additionally, his mother was living in his home, and having daily nursing care. A busy job, and an elderly parent doesn't leave much time for meeting dates.

Fred's mother died just about a month before my mother-in-law died. I offered him support. I made sure he had food in his frig, and included him in a few family meals. I was worried that since his mother's death, he seemed to be staying home and playing with the newest toy . . . the internet.

He started telling me about the chat rooms for troubled teens that he would go to. He said that he had a repuation in some of these rooms as someone who listened and who cared. He retold several stories of teens seeking him out because a friend was saying things that scared them (suicidal things).

I remember warning him to be very careful about how much information he gave out about himself. I warned him that he didn't want kids running away and showing up on his doorstep. He promised me that he showed the same care he did when he was working. I also urged him to get out more with his friends . . . possibly date. And, it seemed that he was being more social.

Some time went by, and we kinda fell out of touch. I still heard about his work with local youth programs . . . but we didn't see each other much anymore. One day, he called me personally to tell me that he'd referred a teen he was working with to our office and to give me some back ground ahead of time. That afternoon, a mutual friend called to tell me that he had been arrested by the state police.

The story was that he had gone to a school in a nearby district, used his professional title to check a boy out of school, took him home, and sexually assaulted him. And, that this boy wasn't the only victim. All of the boys had been "met" through the internet. Further, the state police had found all manner of illicit conversations with young boys on his computer.

I was sick to my stomach. But, not entirely surprised. I spent the weekend struggling to accept that my friend was a monster. Part of me wanted it to be all a sick joke whereas I KNEW it wasn't. I realized that families who learn of incest must have the same struggle . . . but without the benefit of the knowledge and experience I have.

Fred called me once, to ask if I could testify to his character . . . and I explained that I would have to testify that he was a molester and that I totally believed the young men who had come forward. Fred eventually plead guilty to all charges. I don't know if he is even alive still.

I learned later that when the state police started their investigation, they put a block on his email/internet account. Realizing that he was possibly in trouble, he tried to log into several other people's accounts . . . which resulted in their accounts temporarily being blocked. Also, that in an attempt to clean some of the files off his computer he tried to have one of his computer savvy client kids fix it . . . and tried to get the computer person for his work place to clean it.

I am chilled at the thought of all the kids who were "helped" by him over the years. He was like a big teddy bear. I know several adults today who swear they would not have grown up outside a jail if not for Fred. I can't help but wonder if they now look back at this person they thought was so helpful and wonderful and wonder to themselves "did he try to molest me too?" Or, are they still carrying a secret?

I believe that the proclivity for "deviant" sexual behavior was always there with Fred. I think that he was able to keep it in check . . . knowing that it was wrong . . . for years. I think his personal struggle made him a better counselor for kids who were also struggling. I think that the combination of the isolation after his mother's death, the easy access of the internet, and the types of people he was conversing with night after night made it easy for him to quiet those parts of his brain that had always held him in check all those years. I think that when he was in chat rooms with kids who were bragging about their sexuality . . . talking as kids do when they are still figuring it all out . . . that he started to adopt for himself what he thought their values were.

Don't mistake my thoughts about his behavior for acceptance or approval. I disapprove of everything he did to ruin the lives and memories of untold numbers of youth in our community. But, I think it's an interesting look into someone who seemed to actually care . . .who either fell apart, or was snowing us all.

Casulty of War

2008-02-20T11:21:00.002-05:00

It's a pretty horrifying story, read it knowing that.

A gulf war vet (two tours) has been charged with beating and raping his three month old daughter. His defense is that he has no recollection of committing the acts because he would drink and drug himself into passing out everyday. Although he doesn't admit doing it, he does agree that it is the logical possibility . . . being that he was alone with the baby.

I'm also thinking that it is a serious serious form of neglience to knowingly drink and drug yourself into passing out when you are the sole caregiver for a newborn. . . but that's a side issue.

Because this war effort is being staffed by national guard units, vets are coming from all over the country . . . not just military base areas. I've known a few women who experienced the long term or multiple deployments of their partners. Nearly every woman I know whose partner/husband was deployed report that their relationship broke within just a few months of the vet returning.

I know lots has been said and written about the lack of adequate services for vets. It seems to me that it would be easy enough to have routine and regular follow up or check in with returned vets/their partners to see if they need extra services to help them reenter society or cope with the trauma of their war experience.

Idea: Dating 101

2008-02-19T11:05:00.002-05:00

This morning, a co-worker and I were talking about our own introduction to dating. This came up after we talked to a volunteer about her own dating past . . . and the lack of supervision she got from her parents.

My co-worker and I both experienced a fair amount of parental supervision until we were well into adulthood . . . decreasing, of course, as we got older. She and I both had parents who drove and were present when we were younger teens. We both experienced group dates rather than heavy, one-0n-one dates until we were of driving age. We both had parents who stayed up to insure we got home okay, and at a reasonable hour. And, we both experienced parents who felt free to express approval or disapproval even when we were in college and dating people who we ultimately realized were "not our style."

This all stood in stark contrast to what our volunteer experienced . . . from a fairly young age, her parents didn't interfere. She experienced dating with much older boys when she was really too young to date. She recalled boys trying to convince her that sexual activity she wasn't ready for was expected. She also said that she felt like she had to purchase expensive gifts for these boys and lived in terror of the boys telling everyone that she was "easy."

And, during this conversation, I realized that too many young men and women don't get adequate supervision while starting the process of dating, courting, etc. Too many boys and girls go into dating with imagined norms and expectations . . . because our society puts such and emphasis on abstinance education and keeping kids in the dark. Also, so many kids have watched their parents cycle through very adult type relationships . . . not the kind of dating we would expect from kids. Add in an assumption that kids today know more than we did (they don't) . . . and you have a recipe for kids being immature and abusive and ill-equiped to handle the change from playmates to dates.

Perhaps we can prevent a few of the sour experiences . . . or even some of the abuse and really bad behavior . . . if we spent more time teaching kids HOW to date and supervising them as they learn.

Responding

2008-02-13T12:35:00.002-05:00

In response to the person who expressed concern about my blogging . . . I would like to point out that I take pains to not identify my agency, my community, or even the state in which I live. I never use client names, and what you don't know is that I frequently alter details about the client, the time line, or specifics of the story so that even if the client herself read it . . . she might say "that sounds a lot like what I went through" but not "that's me."

I tell client stories for two reasons . . . one, because I have absorbed a lot over the years and need an outlet so that I don't burn out and two, because I think that there are lessons to be learned about the experiences of women, survivors, and allies. You may notice that when I write about clients . . . I'm also writing about my thoughts and feelings and impressions as much as the client's experience.

As for boundaries . . . I have very good boundaries . . . of course, I know this because I know what I've been doing over the years. Anyone reading this blog, naturally, is only getting a small snapshot of my experiences. I'll go back and look, but I think that I took pains to indicate that driving clients is a rarity . . . but in a human service organization, sometimes we must be willing to extend ourselves in order to best serve our clients.

In the specific case of the client I transport, I do so as a specific favor to her and her doctor. She is unable to get counseling otherwise. Her first appointment with us, her doctor provided transportation and is willing to when I cannot. From one professional to another, the doctor assured me that she lives in a safe situation . . . just doesn't have a car or drivers license.

Frankly, the flexibility to extend our services in a way that is truly helpful to clients is one of the aspects of the non-profit service agency I appreciate most.

Gifts

2008-02-06T11:12:00.000-05:00

One of the rewarding moments in our office is when a client brings us a token gift. Usually, these gifts are handmade items that reflect their healing or reflect their feelings towards our agency.

I have over my desk a cross stitch "A Friend's Prayer" a client made many many years ago. I have a small grapevine wreath with home grown dried flowers glued on it from another client. We've enjoyed countless baked items over the years.

Today, a client brought in a large drawing she'd done . . . representing her healing . . . that is religious/spiritual in nature. The staff all agrees she has a real "Grandma Moses" vibe in her work. She wanted to know if we'd be interested in displaying it in our office. It went up before she left today. We are discussing if having it laminated or framed is better.

Our office is a hodge-podge of posters, artworks, and knick-nacks given to us by people through the years . . . and I think this is one of the aspects that makes our office inviting and comfortable. Our walls tell stories of healing and peace.

No Pollyanna

2008-02-01T10:30:00.001-05:00

I think I may have mentioned in passing that my real frustrations with my work isn't the client work . . . or even the administrative stuff that is so deadly dull and never done. It's the tangential stuff. Like when people just refuse to understand what we do . . . or stubbornly cling to wrong ideas about rape or rape victims simply because it would mean they have to change what gets them through the day . . . like that false sense of security.

Any way, a couple of years ago, a local organization that gives my agency a small amount of money . . . and has for quite a few years . . . sent my board a letter saying that they were concerned that if our office weren't open (read . . . if I'm not in the office) 24 hours a day, we couldn't possibly have services available 24-hours a day. Now, the funds they give us go chiefly to our direct services programming . . . including the cost of keeping our phone lines open 24 hours a day with live operators answering the lines when staff is not in the office. We are one of the few agencies in our area that has live operators 24-hours a day. There are other crisis type organizations in my community that rely on pagers activated by an answering machine . . . or over-night voice mail.

When the letter was received, my board was horrified by the utter lack of understanding about our agency and responded appropriately. And, I've come to realize that doing a bit of "self promotion" won't hurt me . . . and that perhaps I have been lazy in the PR area. We also started reporting not just calls taken, but how many were taken outside normal business hours. But, still . . . every time I am in the Emergency Room with a client in the middle of the night, I can't help but remember that letter . . . and have to fight the urge to call their office and let them know that I'm up, doing my job, and where are they?

My new years resolution this year was to find a way to let this bitterness go. I am trying. Really. One of my character flaws is that I can hold onto a grudge like you wouldn't believe . . . even when I know that I'm only hurting myself with it. Perhaps confessing it here will help me let it go.

EDITED: On a side note, my impression from the other groups we receive funds from or work closely with to provide our services is that they all think our agency is terrific and one of the better agencies in the state. Knowing this should balance how the one group regards us.

Chilling

2008-01-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

I have written before, and posted a link to the NPR story, about rape and native women and our society's failure to respond adequately. (That's putting it politely.)

Later this year, I will be participating in a panel discussion about the problem of sexual violence and native women at a national conference. I will be appearing with academics, direct service workers, one of my volunteers, and women representing native women living on and off reservations. In preparation for my participation, I have received a full copy of the Amnesty International report called "Maze of Injustice: the failure to protect indegenous women from sexual violence in the USA."

Just typing the title makes chills run down my back and arms.

My agency has been operating for just shy of 20 years. The most established rape crisis programs have been in operation for just shy of 40 years. Nearly a quarter of the counties in my state don't have a rape crisis center within their county - and our state has pretty good coverage of services. However, the vast majority of rape crisis services offered in my state are combined into agencies offering other services and often sexual assault services are just lumped in with everything else.

But, it still shocks me that we so openly ignore a particularly vulnerable community of peoples. The reservation system requires that we devote resources to adequately serve the people living there. If we tell whole communities how they must live, where they must live, how much money they are allowed to earn, etc . . . then we need to take providing for their "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness" seriously . . . one could argue that we have the responsibility to take it more seriously than we do for people we grant more freedoms.

I'm glad light is being shed . . . and I and all to honored to be one of the people focusing the spotlight.

Peddlers of Bad Information

2008-01-29T23:57:00.000-05:00

Anyone who works in the helping profession has encountered the aftermath of bad advice or information given by other, possibly well meaning, people in the profession. I just hope that people don't tell stories of things I've said that later turned out to be completely stupid. And, I will admit that lots of times, clients only hear about 1/3 of what you actually say.

So, here are some of the gems I've heard over the years.

I had a 13 year old client who had been raped by a 32 year old man who was hoping hoping hoping she'd gotten pregnant from the attack. Apparently, the only thing she remembered from the hospital experience was a nurse telling her that she would probably never be able to have children now. This girl figured that getting pregnant now might be her only chance to have a child.

I had a woman call our crisis line AFTER spending an hour on the phone with the psychic TOLL number. She actually told me that I didn't tell her anything the people she PAID THROUGH THE NOSE didn't tell her. At least call us first . . .we're free . . . then if you don't like what we tell you . . . pay someone to say the same thing.

I had a client tell me that her old counselor told her that her stress relief of listening to classical music through head phones for a short time every night made her "no better than an alcoholic" because she was just "running away from her problems into the music."

More times than I can count, clients have told me that various people have told them they need to "forgive and forget" about their abuse. I believe that forgiveness cannot be asked for unless the perp acknowledges the harm created by their actions, atones for it in a way meaningful to the victim, and changes their behavior (notice the gender neutral wording?). And I fear that forgetting the abuse is either impossible and/or dangerous.

Years ago, a politician declared that there was no need to be concerned about abortion rights for rape/incest victims because a woman could only get pregnant if they were sexually aroused . . . and if they were sexually aroused, then it wasn't rape. He claimed special knowledge because he was a doctor. In reality, he was a dentist. And, frankly, I'm wondering how good a dentist he could be with such declarations about the openings opposite the mouth. (For the record, the body is biologically programmed to respond to certain stimulation in certain ways. . . . it is entirely possible for someone who is terrified and in fear for their life to also experience the biological indicators of sexual stimulation. It doesn't mean they liked it or wanted it or consented to it.)

I had a mother of a teen victim drag her child into our office and demand that the child take back the "hateful" thing she said about her mother's boyfriend and admit it was all a "lie." The young girl had developed a yeast infection from the antibiotics given to her by the doctor to prevent many sexually transmitted infections . . . but the mother was convinced that the girl had a venereal disease and this was evidence of her child being a "slut." I photo copied the pages out of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" about yeast infections and antibiotics and told the mother that her reaction may have caused as much harm as the assault . . . because the girl had not only lost her innocence, but also her mother.

There's more . . . I'll post them as they come back to me.

Progress

2008-01-28T17:05:00.000-05:00

When I was in college, one Saturday morning, I got up early because my roommate and I had a fun outing planned. She was in the study room doing her morning meditation and I jumped in the shower. When I cut off the shower, I found that my roommate had pulled the classic prank of grabbing my towel and clothes. We did this frequently to each other in my dorm . . . and the expected response was to take down the shower curtain and while clutching it around ourselves, smile for the camera.

Only, when I left the bathroom, there was no flash bulb . . . and someone said "good, you're done, I can clean the bathrooms now."

When I got back to our room and got dressed, and dashed to the study room . . . my roommate said that she was wondering why there was a boy in the study room outside "visiting hours." Then, when we compared the person we'd encountered we figured out that the boy in the study room was the same person in the bathroom. And, Hey! the cleaning crew is female and doesn't come in on Saturdays.

We ran, and woke up the RA and reported what had happened. We found the boy in the lobby . . . where visitors were allowed to be during non-visiting hours. . . but he was reading mail. Campus police were called . . . and my clothes and towel were found in the basement behind our mail center.

Later, we learned he was a 16 year old run away who was "living with" a girl in our dorm who thought he was a student. And, he'd been banned from several other dorms for peeping.

The police arrested him, but they never got a statement from me. They never spoke to me. Learning what happened to him was gossip that was passed along, not give to us "officially."

Last night, we had a college student in the ER . . . her dorm supervisor came with her to the ER along with several supportive friends. The Dorm supervisor called the police for her, called the person in charge of student affairs, and made arrangements to make sure the student had a safe place to stay over night. She also arranged to take the student to the police dept. today to finish making her statement.

I was so pleased to see the great improvement in how colleges respond to victims. There are still plenty of horror stories . . . but this time, they got it right.

Campus safety

2008-01-25T12:28:00.000-05:00

Click on the title for the article. Since it is an opinion piece in a regional paper, I'm not sure how long you'll be able to access it.

A friend sent me this . . . because we have discussed my ideas about "feel good security" and token acts to appear that we want to make changes in the crime rate . . . especially violent crime against women. Politically, it makes good press to say you're against violence against women . . . like rape, stalking, and domestic abuse . . . but in reality, we still worry more about homeless pets than we do victims of violent crime.

This op-ed piece reminds me of a NPR story I heard years ago about men on death row. The commenter observed that every man on death row he'd interviewed had a history of violence prior to the act that got them to death row. If we take the "milder" forms of violence (meaning anything short of murder) more seriously . . . offering substantial jail terms for violence and long-term, ongoing supervision . . . we might have a less violent society in the long run. And, then we wouldn't be so worried about the crazy guy getting a gun.

35 years and counting

2008-01-22T21:43:00.000-05:00

Today is the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I imagine that it is the single most protested supreme court decision ever.

This morning, on the radio I heard that a new tactic of the "pro-life" set is to lobby for legislation granting legal "personhood" to fertilized eggs from the moment of fertilization . . . granting them legal status and rights. This goes along with their other tactics of trying to cast abortion as a huge factor in the long term mental health of women . . . etc.

I worry about any legislation granting "personhood" to a fertilized egg.

On one hand, I think that a murdering a woman who is in the advanced stages of pregnancy ought to carry slightly different charges than a non-pregnant woman. (I'm thinking of quite a few stories in the media of women who were 7,8, or even 9 months pregnant and murdered. I can imagine that there would be discussion if the woman were in early stages and could the criminal be reasonably expected to know she was pregnant? Was it a partner? or was it a stranger or near stranger who claimed to not know about the pregnancy . . .but I digress.)

On the other hand, granting legal rights and status to a fertilized egg is just one step away from telling women they don't control their own bodies.

I argued once with a man who advocated that women face criminal charges if it is found that they consumed any alcohol at anytime during the pregnancy . . . even before she was aware she was pregnant. Basically . . . he advocated banning women of child bearing age from consuming alcohol.

I am aware of another woman who was put on bed rest by her doctor in her 6th month . . . and she disregarded the medical advice, and after a weekend of mowing the lawn, shopping, going to church, going out to eat, she delivered early and the child died. If we grant legal status and rights to the unborn, are we telling women that if they don't follow medical advice 100% and the unthinkable happens . . . they will face criminal charges?

When are we going to have pregnancy centers where all pregnant women are sent so that they might be monitored during their pregnancies because our society doesn't trust them to care for themselves or make decisions for themselves?

That's the danger of these proposals . . . they sound harmless enough . . . until you start looking at the larger implications and how and when they will be enforced.

Abortion exists in a society where "abstinence" education has replaced good, sound sex ed. I've seen my state's approved 9th grade health text . . . they never mention that controlling fertility is an option . . . even within marriage. They explicitly state that parenthood in an inevitable step in life. There are no other options. Abortion exists in a society in which there is inadequate access to birth control . . . and men and women are bombarded with sexualized messages about every aspect of life. Abortion exists in a society where violence and rape are tolerated within certain limits . . . and especially if the victims are marginalized in the first place.

In this society, abortion is a necessary fact.

Another Observation on the Marine

2008-01-21T12:31:00.001-05:00

I understand that the wife of the accused killer is a young mother, is looking at probably never having her husband back, and the horrible realization that the man she married is probably a killer . . . because who is gonna believe that some one's bat crazy co-worker came over, extorted money and then killed herself by cutting her own throat? But, I still think that some where along the line she should be facing charges of her own . . . if she cleaned up blood . . . accessory to murder . . . and for giving him a 24 hour head start.

I have other opinions . . . but it would be impolitic to comment at this time.

Nice Reminder

2008-01-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

Interestingly, the only time I start to wonder if my life's work is futile is when I see media reports of sexual assaults. You'd think it would be the day in and day out looking victims in the eye.

Today, I got a nice reminder about why I'm committed to this work. I was seeing a client for the second time. She is a referral from a local counselor. She was scared to add going to the rape crisis center into the routine of appointments. We had a very productive meeting. She has started talking to her family about what happened to her. She is showing more interest in making her surroundings safer. She disclosed information she'd never said aloud before.

While I was driving her home, she let out a long sigh and relaxed into the car seat and said "I feel so much better."

And, that's why I get up out of my warm bed day after day. Those magical five words.

Marine Shame

2008-01-14T09:52:00.000-05:00

We, in the office, have been following and discussing this case of the murdered/raped marine. We are pretty horrified over the fact of it. We are upset over what appears to be real problems with how this young woman's employers handled her case.

First, according the media --- since I don't have first hand knowledge and I do understand the limits of media reports --- she first reported the rape last April . . . but the Corps didn't reassign the two involved in the case to separate work areas until mid May. Then, after reporting the rape, the young woman seeks maternity treatment. Since the military keeps such a watchful eye over their people, you'd think this would have raised eyebrows.

Then, the woman felt compelled to move off base into civilian housing because of harassment she received from her colleagues. This sounds like she wasn't receiving the type of support and protection she needed and deserved and the military has the responsibility to provide. Then, finally, 8 months after reporting the rape, she is finally due to testify in a grand jury like hearing . . . and goes missing? And the military did nothing to verify her whereabouts? These people know what color you poop, and yet they didn't report her missing or check to make sure she'd not suffered a medical emergency?

When her family reported her missing to civilian authorities, it appears from the media reports, that not only was the corps not helpful, they intentionally sent law enforcement in the wrong direction. The media reports I've read say that the corps told local law enforcement that the man now being sought was "not a threat" to her and that they were "on friendly terms." If he wasn't a threat, why did the military have a protective order that they renewed 3 times (again, according to media reports) ordering him to not have contact with her? And, if they were on friendly terms, why was she going to testify that he raped her and was the father of her unborn child?

But the big question is . . . . how bright do you have to be to scratch your head and say "huh? I wonder if this is means something?" when the accuser and accused in a rape case both go missing the day before an important hearing? I know I've had my complaints about local law enforcement . . . but I'm reasonably confident that even in my little town, local authorities would find it worth looking into.

I think the corps failed this young woman . . . a woman who was able to endure the rigorous training of the marines . . . and who was willing to die for her country. I think the marines owed her more than what she got. And, the cynic in me who is so willing to believe the worst in people wonders if the man in question isn't hidden on another base, in marine custody, right now.

The Other Supreme Court/death penalty case

2008-01-07T08:45:00.000-05:00

Click on the title for a link to the article I reference.

This morning, while driving to the office, I listened to an NPR story about the upcoming death penalty case to be heard by the supreme court. Then, reading the NY Times in the office, I see that there is another case NPR didn't mention.

The Supreme Court is going to hear an appeal from a man who was sentenced to death for the rape of an 8 year old child.

According to the article, the court decided in 1977 that the death penalty should only apply to murder convictions because although rape is horrible, the victim remains alive. However, in recent years and with recent high media cases, a few states have passed legislation allowing for the death penalty upon the conviction of rape of a child under the age of 12.

I personally am conflicted on the death penalty. The young and idealistic part of me thinks that a evolved society shouldn't NEED the death penalty. However, the realistic part of me understands that we aren't there yet. Far from it.

I can see arguments for both sides of the death penalty issue. Although I personally come down to a very practical, economic stance. I would much rather see the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent each year for EACH person on death row go to victim services. I don't quite see the value of spending so much to keep people alive who have demonstrated clearly that they are unwilling to live within the most basic of social rules.

I'm not sure how I feel about the death penalty in child rape cases. I think the easy answer is to say that they should be taken one at a time. Clearly, someone who has raped lots and lots of children is unwilling or incapable of living with larger society . . . and can we really deny services to the victims because all our money is going to support the perp?

Then again, just the thought of the ugly orange jumpsuit and the shame of my family has always been deterrent enough for me.

The Britney Factor

2008-01-06T23:36:00.000-05:00

For some reason, myself included, we can't help but be fascinated by the whole Britney Spears thing. But why? Surely there are more interesting people. There are more compelling news stories.

I have a few ideas why . . . I think she, and her troubles represent our collective fears as well as reflect our society in a stark way.

One, she was a child who was portrayed by her sexuality at a very young age. In a way, she was sexually abused by the world. She was given the idea at a tender age that her only real worth was her body and how she used and gave us access to it. I can only imagine what it does to your self image for PepsiCo to "digitally enhance" a your teen aged bust line to sell more soda pop.

Two, she more or less embodied what has become the new American dream . . . to make it big in show business. But she doesn't seem to have much of a safety net. Heiresses like Paris Hilton have the whole of their families to stand behind them if they fall . . . but girls like Britney have their whole family falling with them. It isn't fair that she was put in a position to support her family at such a young age.

Three, she has made quite a few mistakes . . . and a few calculated moves . . . none of which she seems to have recovered from. There was the 54 hour marriage. Then there was stealing a man from another woman who was pregnant. The quick pregnancies . . . which would tax anyone. The parties. The pictures. The courting the cameras. The shocking behavior that didn't do anything for her image. It seems that she moves from bad judgement to bad judgement. I don't know if she is refusing good advice or not getting it.

Four, I think she has become the embodiment of the "bad mother." I think all women who have children worry that they will be bad mothers. Every mom I know questions herself daily. I can't help but think that moms everywhere are both saddened and repulsed by Britney. And I suspect moms everywhere thank the stars they don't have every move documented the way she does.

Five, she's in a mess and it isn't clear how she's getting out. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem inclined to check into rehab and take it seriously. She doesn't seem terribly capable of taking control of her life in a meaningful way. Other young stars take time out for college . . . or they drop out . . .work on themselves, and then pop back on the scene. I think it would take even more of what's going down for Britney to feel that she's hit bottom.

I see this last thing with lots of clients. They feel that they are in a fish bowl . . . that everyone around them can see right through them. They have gotten into a rut of how they react to their lives . . . and it appears that it will take monumental strength to make changes . . . strength they don't believe they have. But ultimately, for all of us, we have to live our own lives . . . do what is right for us . . . and not worry if people are looking or not. That's a whole lot easier said than done.

Ick

2008-01-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

One of those things I really hate happened tonight. I was having a nice mexican-ish meal with my husband . . . because in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I've not shopped for much more than kitty litter in the past two weeks. And, a woman stopped at our table an greeted us warmly and with enthusiasm. It took me a moment to recognize her and place her. She is a local librarian I've worked with from time to time planning meetings in the library's meeting space. She and I have had several long conversations over the years . . . largely about my work. She also took a class with my husband several years ago.

Then, she introduced us to her companion or date. Unfortunately, I recognized him much more easily. His name and face have come up several times in my office because of his attraction to young children. Frankly, I'm surprised he's not in jail at the moment . . . since he's spent so much of his life there already.

I don't understand why people date felons. Especially people who commit the ickier, violent, horrible crimes. What makes people think that convicted felons won't someday commit a crime against them or their family? Even if you believe "they've done their time, now forgive them" does that mean you have to invited them into your home?

And, the real down side to being in a small town is that I can so easily recognize the scariest folks out walking around.

Anyone

2007-12-24T19:11:00.000-05:00

The other night, my husband told me about a sexual assault story he'd seen on CNN. It involved three university football players who were held, robbed, and sexually assaulted by some people they'd met in a bar and invited back to their home.

My husband was amazed that three big guys could be taken advantage of so easily. I reminded him that a case like this one should serve as reminder that ANYONE is vulnerable to sexual violence. I suspect that big guys may operate under a false sense of security . . . believing that "only" women, or "weak" men could be vulnerable. The fact is, if someone wants to commit a crime, they will find a way to do it.

But, this crime ought to also serve as an opportunity for people to examine their attitudes and beliefs about sexual violence. The media is treating this case as if there were no question these three men were victims. I wonder if it would have even been deemed news worthy if the victims had been all women. The three victims were somewhat intoxicated . . . which made them easier targets for criminals. However, if this case involved intoxicated women as victims . . . how differently would we think of the case? Would we secretly think that the women were at least "partially" to blame for being drunk and not showing the best judgement?

I saw that at least one of the defendants is out on bail. I'm wondering how it is that she even got bail. It would seem to me that acting in concert with others to commit what our justice system deems one of the most serious crimes ought to have merited staying in jail while awaiting trial.

Refreshing

2007-12-20T16:06:00.000-05:00

I have mentally been working up a post about this bizarre notion some men and women have about the physiology of male sexuality and their need/right to have sex whenever the mood strikes them. And, I was going to point out several cases, but most notably the one being investigated now with the New Jersey State Troopers. Frankly, I'd like to maintain my naive notion that COPS are smart enough to realize that if you have group sex with a intoxicated college student you JUST met, it likely isn't going to end well for you.

But, then something happened the other day that kinda restored my faith in people. Well, actually two things.

The first was a conversation I had with a board member. She was telling me about how really really nice her 16 year old daughter is. I found it particularly refreshing because so many moms of 16 year old girls are pulling their hair out and complaining about their kids. She was telling me of a family friend who is very ill with cancer. And my board member's daughter came to her mom and asked if she could go spend a few days at this woman's home to help her get it cleaned up for the holidays. She said she realized that with the illness, she wouldn't have the strength to make her home warm for the holidays, and that it must make her sad to be so limited. My board member panicked because the child wanted to go do this mission of sweetness on a day my board member was planning a surprise birthday party for her child. And, even nicer, the child gave no thought to the fact that her birthday would fall during this trip, or that she might expect a party.

Then, today, we had a meeting with a girl who is a senior in high school who has created a "teens against peer pressure" service group at her school. She explained that she was dismayed to see so many of her friends start drinking, using drugs, and experimenting with sex. She saw her friends drop out of normal activities or get in trouble or grades drop, what have you. When she created the group, she invited a large group to her home for a "party" and then had a video about peer pressure and explained what she wanted to do. Apparently, once the kids got over being tricked, they actually joined up with her. They invite speakers to discuss various topics and they are in the hunt for service projects they can do throughout our community. Now how wonderful is that?

It's refreshing to see such great examples of kids being strong, and taking the initiative to make their world a better place when so often our society is so willing to cast all young people as lazy, dumb, or not worth the effort.

Happy Holidays, Y'all.

Friday Fun: telling on myself

2007-12-14T10:46:00.001-05:00

No client story this Friday, rather a little glimpse into our office.

When I tell people what it is I do with my life/for a living, the most common response is something along the lines of awe that I have the stomach for all that bad stuff. Heck, even other people who are in this business are a tad suspicious that I just might lose my head one day from doing this work for so long.

One of the survival secrets is to have a common enemy. Currently, the common enemy for the folks in my office is another human service agency. I won't name them, because all in all, they do good work. It's the personalities of their employees and the group competitiveness with us that makes them targets for the less than charitable comments we make in the privacy of our office. Oh, and they are fairly insensitive to the schedules of other agencies. They have this notion that their work is more important than any work done by any other organization in our community.

Unfortunately for me, in order to fully serve our clients, I have to work closely with this group. Most recently, the scheduled a community task force meeting for immediately after Christmas . . . and on a day most of the service providing agencies had planned to take as part of the holiday break. (We have a nice list of volunteers who are running the crisis line, but the office staff is on break.)

So, our snarkiness takes the form of thinking up fantasy ideas for playing with these people. This morning, we came up with acting like we are very formal in the office and refer to each by Ms (last name) and maybe even slip and use a first name and then immediately act as if we might get in trouble. There are also scenarios for giving information about each other without elaborating. When I expressed to their director that the task force meeting was inconvenient to people who wished to spend the holidays with family that weren't local, she suggested I send a lower ranking employee.

I'm going to the meeting, and if they ask why I just didn't send the employee. . . . I'm to explain that she is spending the first christmas with her father in nearly 20 years. Our hope is that they will ask why, and I can act as if we don't share personal information in our office. (Anyone who knows me or our staff knows that we are really very casual and get along quite well and actually nearly read each other's thoughts.)

I know, not really funny to anyone who isn't involved. But, being snarky in the privacy of our office relieves stress and is harmless . . . . as long as we keep it in the office.

Just Like Home

2007-12-12T09:39:00.000-05:00

As always, click on the title for the story link.

Australia is doing some soul searching after a horrendous rape case has come to light. The case centers around a 10 year old child who was gang raped by 9 teens and adults. And, that's not the shocking bit . . . the judge in the case didn't give the men involved prison time because she found that the child "probably agreed" to have sex. Never mind that she was too young to legally give consent in their system. Never mind that their justice system first became aware that she was being sexually abused at the age of seven and has mental disabilities. Never mind that the oldest person, and quite possibly the ringleader, was previously listed as a child predator in Australia.

What is interesting about this case, to me, is that until the case made it to the media, no one even bothered to care that there was a serious miscarriage of justice. The prosecution didn't appeal the sentence until after the media got the story . . . and well after the time limit for filing an appeal expired. Social workers, judges, pretty much everyone involved in the case is now doing the big scramble to cover their own asses.

Adding to the national soul searching is that this girl came from an indigenous community. And, from the article the issues faced by Australia's indigenous peoples sounds eerily like those faced by the American indigenous peoples. Abject poverty without investment in infrastructure to create opportunities, drug and alcohol abuses, and serious lack of access to the national justice system.

It's time that nations realize that all their citizens deserve equal protection . . . . not just to be paraded in native costume for cameras.

Epiphiany

2007-12-06T23:47:00.000-05:00

I had a great thought today.

I've been involved in volunteer or social change work since I was 14 years old and well over 20 years of my life. I've been doing work around feminist causes nearly as long. I've been doing Rape Crisis work for almost 20 years.

Only rarely, in those years, have I thrown up my hands and wondered if I were on a fool's errand. Most of the time I can see that for the bad that people endure, there is also good in the volunteers who climb out of bed to take on a mission of mercy. I like to think that I've seen the very best that humanity can offer to each other.

In the past year, my agency has been undergoing a shift in how we do prevention work. We are now attempting to take a very focused, deliberate, and systematic approach to addressing the root causes of sexual violence and creating change along the whole of the social spectrum. Big words, eh? We want to prevent people from perpetrating rape rather than continue to tell potential victims how to make the next person a more likely target.

This afternoon, I was in conversation with a new board member about her interest in our agency. She related a conversation she'd had with her boss about wanting to make the community a safer place for her daughter to grow up in. And it hit me . . . . her daughter is 3 now. And in HER LIFE TIME, we actually could see an end to the problem of rape as we know it. It is a very real possibility.

So, what's the opposite of throwing up your hands in hopelessness?

Advocating

2007-12-04T19:52:00.000-05:00

All too often, when assisting a client in the Emergency Room, I end up advocating for her claim to the medical and law enforcement staff. I think they have seen way too many wackos or drug seeking or attention seeking folks that they become jaded.

Child victims automatically get sympathy and the staff will do pretty much anything they can to assist. Teen victims often find themselves on either side of the coin . . . . depending upon the first story told. For example, one time one of our volunteers was greeted by a cop who opened with "she's 14, and she's already been pregnant once." The volunteer took the cop's statement to mean that it pretty much didn't matter what had happened to her, it wasn't going to be taken seriously because she was a "bad kid." And, adult victims need to fit a particular behavior pattern in order to be believed.

Recently, while in the ER, we were attending to a woman who was remarkable in her strength and independence. She'd been assaulted by a "date." She explained that for religious reasons she'd been celibate for several years and she was in the "get to know you phase" with the man in question. She described still being "in awe" that he would rape her. She also gave one of the best descriptions of defending herself I've ever heard. She was articulate and cooperative. She thought through her responses and was pleasant to the staff -- understanding that the discomfort wasn't really their fault. And, as I was waiting to see if her adult daughter had questions, a nurse asked me "what do you think?" The real question being "should I waste my time believing her?"

I know people think I'm hopeless for being so willing to believe what my clients tell me. But, we're even because I think they are hopeless because they are so willing to disbelieve everyone.

The Littlest Thing

2007-12-03T11:35:00.000-05:00

One of the aspects of my job I have always appreciated is that I don't have the rules and constraints that folks who work for branches of government seem to be bound by. I have open opportunity to do that which needs to be done in order to get our clients the help they need, even when that help isn't EXACTLY my job.

For example, this morning I received a call from a woman in another community. She seemed at the end of her rope. And, she seemed to genuinely want to help herself. She couldn't find a support group that would address her specific needs. She tried calling an organization you would automatically think of in her situation only to find that their help line number had been disconnected.

She gave me a bit of a run down of her current situation and what help she wants. I feel like I did a good job of hearing her. I promised to scout around and see what I could find for her. I called agencies in her local area as well as resources at the state level.

Then, I made the most important phone call. I called her back to give her an update. I explained the agencies I'd called, their response, and that I expected that I'd be able to call her back soon to give her more information. There was genuine relief in her voice. That two minute phone call to up date her let her know she wasn't being regarded as a bother or another loser. She realized that her vulnerability to me was heard and responded to in an appropriate way. And, someone cared about her.

These are all the things we want our clients to experience from our services. We can't always give them a tangible result but we can let them know that they are important, that they were heard, and that they are cared for in our community.

Relationships

2007-11-28T22:28:00.000-05:00

One of the skills I've been able to develop doing my job are friend/relationship skills.

The first rule is that you have to make the time to keep in touch with people. Even the people who live nearby. It is much to easy to get swept up in the daily grind and find yourself at the end of the day thinking "oh darn, I meant to call Julie." There are fun web sites for sending karma or cards or funny pictures. Just a little something that shows you were thinking of them can go a long way in keeping the friend vibe going. Show up with an unexpected treat -- like their favorite candy or a balloon.

Also, find times to talk on the phone. I have quite a few friends who live hours away. Some I speak to on the phone once a week - others once a month -- others stick to email. But, finding the time to catch up keeps you closer.

The second rule is remember what is important to your friends. Their kid's birthdays. Anniversaries - good and bad. Scary doctor's appointments or exams. Nothing shows that you actually care like remembering the details - and taking the time to show some support. For example: tomorrow, a friend is going for her yearly exam -- an event we all hate. She particularly hates it. I have made a note to myself to call her about an hour before to give her a pep talk and try to make her laugh over it.

The third rule is be sweet. You wouldn't believe what a compliment -- genuine of course -- does for keeping the friendship vibe going. A good friend of mine waxed a couple of years ago that contrary to popular belief -- life is LONG not short. We have too much time in our lives to NOT tell people we love them or that we care for them or that we admire them. If you think they are really good at parenting -- tell them. If you are amazed by their talents, let them know. Unfortunately, most of us don't hear the good stuff about ourselves enough. Today, as I was leaving work -- and will be taking a mini-break and won't be back until Monday, I made sure I let my co-workers that I especially appreciate that they do such a good job and I can leave the office secure in knowing they can handle anything.

And, lastly - respect your friends and your lovers. I think respect is the single most important aspect of any relationship. Respect means that even when you disagree, you still treat them well. Respect means not "hitting below the belt" when you're mad. Respect means keeping secrets or helping them find help even if they don't think they need it. Respect also means being true to yourself -- so that you are a truer friend.

Is there no Shame?

2007-11-26T15:38:00.000-05:00

Seriously? What ever happened to shame?

It seems these days that when people behave shamefully, they puff up their chests as if to challenge the rest of us to back down in our opinions. I think that shame is a healthy response to committing shameful acts.

I'm not saying that we go back to the days of the victim being shamed into silence or inaction. I would like to see a return to the days when people who behaved badly were held accountable. Children who bullied could count on adults telling their parents . . . and their parents doling out appropriate punishment. Criminals could count on communities to keep an eye on their actions - and not trust them without the trust being earned back.

I've been reading about the child who committed suicide after being taunted by a friend on myspace only for her parents to learn that the person behind the taunts was an adult neighbor. I like that the community has pulled together to put forward a united front that this sort of behavior is unacceptable.

I can think of other countless situations where a healthy dose of shame might not be a bad thing. A friend of mine who works in another rape crisis center says that recently a pillar of her community was charged with rape and he participated in local fall festivities as if he were still an upstanding citizen. Or a cousin of mine was telling me that some of her classmates were expelled for calling in a fake bomb threat to her school . . . and the parents of the kids hired attorneys to try to force the school system to still allow them to have honor designations when they earned their high school diplomas through the local community college.

Then again, maybe this notion of social sanctioning of bad behavior is just a fairy tale kinda like the imaginary "good ol' days."

Terrible

2007-11-20T11:55:00.000-05:00

The title has a link to the article.

In Saudi Arabia, a court has ordered that a young woman who was gang raped to be whipped 200 times. The original sentence was 90 lashes, but it was increased when her attorney appealed the sentence.

The young woman was in a car with a non-relative when she and the young man were kidnapped and raped by 7 men. The fact she was secluded with a man either not her husband or a relation is what the judges found so offensive. They did acknowledge that they believed she had not committed "adultery" -- just was alone with a man. She was alone with that man because she was on the verge of being married and wanted some photographs back that the other young man had.

There seems to be a large degree of punishing this young woman because the judges dislike her attorney. Her attorney has spoken out in favor of human rights in the past.

I find this story absolutely horrifying. At the same time, the public outcry and support from the young woman's husband lead me to believe that perhaps there is a movement to create some real rights for women in a country that subjugates them so thoroughly. And, makes me a little more grateful for our systems - flaws and all.

Bad Reputation?

2007-11-19T19:47:00.000-05:00

I've been crazy busy with meetings and clients and a cold and year end reports.

You know how when you see pictures of yourself they often don't match up to the picture you have of yourself in your mind's eye? Or if you hear your own voice recorded it doesn't ever sound the way you think it does to you?

I some how, over the years, have developed a reputation for being really confrontational and quite the bitch. Which strikes me as funny because I think of myself as being really quite mellow and, for lack of a better term, chickenshit. I respect law enforcement . . . even if I don't always agree with them, I've never gotten up into a police officer's face or challenged one in front of a client. But, some how, stories circulate around that I have. I respect the medical staff -- and again - have NEVER openly confronted a doctor or nurse in front of a client - but yet, I have the reputation of being something of a ball buster. I've brought nurses homemade cookies in thanks for handling exceptionally difficult clients with more grace than the client was asking for with their behavior. I totally get the notion that District Attorney outranks me. How stories got started of me telling them their job is totally beyond my imagination.

In my personal life . . . I have a very quiet, comfortable, somewhat dull existence. But yet, I seem to have this rather exotic reputation of having parties and a good time and non-stop action. I have the reputation of being the local "token" feminist. That I don't take crap from my man. That I wear the pants in my house. Which is kinda a laugh because I have really overdeveloped domestic skills in reality; and my husband and I have a pretty equal relationship.

But, if people want to fear me and thus do a better job because of it . . . who am I to stop them? And if they want to imagine me jetting of to exotic places and partying with the pretty people and telling my man the score . . . . that's up to them, right?

The Business End

2007-11-13T23:22:00.000-05:00

I've not posted lately because I've been bogged down with the business end of the crisis work.

It is amazing how quickly fortunes change in the non-profit business. Just two weeks ago, I was staying up nights wondering how I was going to make payroll if the state monies didn't come in. Now, I'm staying up wondering how I'm going to spend out all the funds of a grant by Dec. 31.

The problem is that because the state monies (which start July 1) didn't arrive until the last week of October. Being short four months worth of funds, we stopped spending on other grants. Now, we have to play catch up - but if we spend too much right at the end of a grant, it appears we had too much money. Sigh. The problem is that some of our grants reimburse us after we spend the money. So, you have to have money to spend before you can get money back. It keeps agencies honest - but it becomes really tough when other grant agencies are late on their funds.

Also, with the approach of the end of the calendar year, we have all kinds of reports due. In the interest of keeping everyone on the planet well informed of our happenings, my agency prepares monthly financial and client service stats for the board and monthly financial statements for two funders. We provide one funder with quarterly financial and client service stats reports. We provide the state with semi annual financial and client service reports. And, we provide everyone on the planet with annual reports. And, still some non-profits manage to employ criminals.

This week, while working on a holiday, I wondered how agencies whose directors are less inclined to the business end or that don't keep the tidy financial records I do manage to make these reports make sense. Maybe it's just a quirk of my nerdiness that I worry that my monthly, quarterly, semi-annual, and annual reports all add up.

I need a hobby.

Add to all the reports - the holiday season is looming - so everyone is trying to schedule their meetings, workshops, etc before thanksgiving. This year I was smart - I scheduled a bit of vacation for right after thanksgiving.

Oh, and the client I saw in the ER this week? I wasn't being uncaring - I would normally offer to hold your hand during the icky part - but I have a cold and I really didn't want you to get it. It was more caring than holding your hand. I'm sorry if you didn't feel well taken care of.

Life Lesson

2007-11-06T11:25:00.000-05:00

One of the problems people involved in social activism is that all too often we forget that if we don't care for ourselves, nurture our own lives, we aren't going to be much good for anyone else. I'm no exception. It just seems that there is so much to be done, that sacrificing what I want seems easy.

Last night, my husband and I were invited to a birthday party for our best friend's child. This child thinks of my husband and I as her favorite "aunt and uncle" as well as best playmates. Our first reaction was to be responsible adults and say that the 4 hours drive time and late night out would be too much in our already busy schedules. Until she started to cry.

We were horrified. We, the fun aunt and uncle, are never suppose to make her cry. Now, intellectually, I know she'd get over it. But, it was exactly the wake up call we needed. We realized that at the end of our lives, we would never regret getting to spend her birthday with her. We would regret, at the end of our lives, knowing that we skipped her birthday for something we won't remember what we did.

So, in the name of taking care of my own life, I'm taking off work early today and driving up the highway for a kiddie birthday party. And, frankly, being exhausted tomorrow is going to be worth it.

If the situation were different . . . .

2007-11-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, an attorney friend was telling me about a sexual assault case she'd heard about on the news. A male athlete accused a teammate of sexually assaulting him. The story was that the victim woke up to find his teammate performing a sexual act on him without consent.

We talked about it in our office, and we came to an interesting question.

First, even in our discussions, we absolutely assumed that the act was "by force and against the will of" the victim. However, we also pointed out that if the "victim" had been female and the "perp" male - larger society would want to ask questions about the behavior of the victim before the event, people might question if there was implied consent, and people might question that the event took place or that there was any force at all.

Something to think about when we hear about sexual violence and wonder to ourselves if it's true. Perhaps we should try mixing up the genders of the people involved and see how that changes our thoughts and feelings. We might surprise ourselves.

Friday Client Stories (not a fun one this time)

2007-11-02T09:22:00.000-04:00

Because so many of the clients we serve are assaulted and abused by people we know, many of our office discussions center on relationships. Parent - child relationships, extended family relationships, acquaintance relationships, and intimate relationships.

I believe that people can get into relationship ruts. They pick the same sorts of people to be with over and over again. People go into new relationships waiting for the hurts of past relationships to pop up again. Once in a relationship, some people rehash the same arguments and scenes out over and over. People go back to people who have hurt them, over and over, somehow expecting that TODAY it will be different.

Last night, my agency responded to a client in the ER. This client had a long history of poor relationships. She says that her mother died when she was young and that her father ran out on the family. She says that they lived briefly with the grandparents - but her interpretation was that her grandmother "kicked them out" when she was 10. She had a series of foster and group homes. She was not protected or made to feel loved as a child.

She was much more concerned about being believed and how people around her would respond to her latest abuse. She talked of her history (and current habit) of self abuse.

At one point, she was visited by several relatives - two adults and a teen. The teen seemed overwhelmed by the situation and I'm not sure it was appropriate for him to be made a part of the scene. One of the adults hugged and held her - and repeatedly urged her to seek religious comfort. The other adult cried with her, held her, and whispered soothing things. It appeared to be the type of scene she craved and needed and deserved. But, I could tell that the few minutes of peace and comfort she felt wasn't enough to make up for the years of when it was lacking. And, as soon as it was over, she seemed to forget it happened.

The night ended with a scene I hate. She was on the phone with her family, pleading for someone to come pick her up from the hospital. She was detailing the hurts she'd suffered in a desperate attempt for them to believe her, and respond to her in a way she wanted. Sadly, I think the people she was talking to were incapable of being the people she dreams of them being, and I think that her own history of behaviors have worn them out too. It's all part of that rut.

When I see women in her situation, I am struck by how very lucky I was to have family members who were capable of being who and what I needed when others weren't. I also realize that one or two different decisions in my life, and I could have been in her situation rather than mine. I really think it can be just that simple for a life to be derailed.

New Link

2007-11-01T12:38:00.000-04:00

You'll notice that in the "Places worth checking out" section, there is a new link. You can also get there by clicking on the title of this post.

It is a section of the EndAbuse site called "Coaching Boys into Men."

Feminist philosophers, sociologists, counselors, and researchers of all ilks have commented on the differences between the way boys and girls are reared. We spend a lot of time talking about how to bring up smart, healthy, confident girls. But, what do we offer boys?

I totally understand patriarchy as the underlying influence on our planet. I also understand that much of the world around us reinforces the notion of male as superior. That's not what this is about. This is about the real, live boys all around us who aren't getting the role models, dedicated adults, and positive direction they need to also be smart, healthy, and confident people.

Too many boys grow up without a positive male influence in their lives. A male who can counter the negative portrayals of masculinity and what it means to be a "real man." Too many boys are left to imagine or make up what being grown up means. For too many boys, we fail to give them the road map we give girls (even if what girls get is passively given.)

If you have boys in your life who are into sports and sports culture, Coaching Boys into Men may be just the resource you're looking for to help. They have good resources and many if not all are free.

Scary: Where is the Pedo Blogger Now?

2007-10-31T15:17:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about this for a while now. The Pedo Blogger (the self described pedophile who wrote a blog in which he posted his thoughts about little children, pictures of random children he took in various places, and lists of places other like minded sorts could find lots and lots of children) was run out of California.

He was run out of Washington before that.

We know that some classes of pedophiles will act out on children when they are stressed or pushed. (not an excuse, mind you - just an explanation)

So, where did he go? Whose children is he watching today? Is being run out of community after community the stress factor that will push him from world's biggest creep to bona fide criminal?

OH JOY

2007-10-29T21:50:00.001-04:00

Life in a service providing, rural, non-profit is always hard. Providing services isn't always appreciated by the community, at least until a big case. People with money assume they will never will need our services. And, the work we do is easy to ignore or misunderstand.

We always struggle for money. We work hard to make sure we are accountable for the money we take in. We keep good financial records. We try to know about and adhere to all laws and regulations for non-profits.

But, today, I got the chance to do something that really warmed my heart. I've never done this work for the money. But, the last year has been hard enough, financially, that I find myself awake at nights worrying about money.

Today, I received a grant check in the mail. $50,000.00. It is satisfying to deposit that sum of money in our account - and know that for the next 9 months, I won't be awake nights worrying about money.

Now I can worry about other things - like why it's so hard to convince people that working to end rape is a good thing.

Friday Fun Client Stories

2007-10-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

Actually, today I'm gonna tell on my self a bit.

I've always, or pretty much always, had feminist leanings. My early childhood years were spent in the San Francisco Bay area in the early to mid 70s. My mom was a grad. student at Berkeley. We spent more time seeing freaky things in SF and Berkeley than most kids. I have memories of not being at all shocked at seeing naked people on the street. I remember seeing people I now know were out of their gourds high dancing to their own music. I remember my mom having a "rape whistle" on her keys. I also remember Saturdays spent on grassy lawns watching my mom's belly dancing class perform.

Add to all this, my best friend's mom was also something of a feminist. In fact, it was from my friend's mom and sister I learned the phrase "male chauvinist pig." The first time I used the phrase at home was towards my father when he told me to do dishes while he and my brother's watched football. He later told me that he tried really hard not to laugh as to not encourage me.

But, despite all my feminist leanings, I didn't really have many female friends when I was in jr. high or high school. I didn't get into girl competition for male attention. I wasn't completely absorbed in my appearance. I didn't spend hours giggling over pictures of cute boys in magazines. I probably came dangerously close to needing to have a telephone receiver surgically removed from my ear.

It was frustrating to be a young feminist - and at the same time feel so disconnected from other girls. Fortunately, in college and adulthood, I've found many wonderful women who are smart, and funny, and kind, and who make wonderful friends. It's enough to restore all those feminist leanings.

A most unsatisfying experience

2007-10-25T11:59:00.000-04:00

Late yesterday afternoon, we received a call from the manager of a rather large business in town -- one of those businesses that donates lots of money to charity and encourages their employees to volunteer. He wanted a speaker for his employee meeting. Today. Early this morning. But, how could we refuse? We want their monetary and physical support in the future.

So, we arrived early. And, they weren't ready yet. Then, they had us meet in the warehouse - which was loud, and big, and kinda echoed. Then, the manager made mention of it being Domestic Violence month. I smiled and said - yes, it is domestic violence month, but since we do sexual violence response, I can't really address the other issues.

I'm not entirely sure the people beyond the first row heard anything I said. They had that kinda blank stare. Then, when we finished up the shtick, we turned around and the manager had disappeared. The employees didn't seem to know what was expected. I was seriously considering some softshoe and jazz hands, when the manager showed back up. There was mention of choco cake - but none materialized.

I'm not sure what the employees got out of our appearance at their staff meeting. Maybe someday, one of them will want to volunteer.

Cancer Ads

2007-10-24T21:08:00.000-04:00

I absolutely hate the breast cancer ad that features a lacy bra and has the caption "Save the Ta-Tas" because it's not about saving breasts. It is about saving lives. It is about saving mostly women's lives.

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, given our society's willingness to marginalize and objectify women into just random body parts.

So, a couple of weeks ago, while on a long drive, I thought up a similar campaign for men that hopefully would make people think twice about the whole ta-tas thing. It was "save the assholes" -- and an admonishment to get checked for colon/rectal cancer.

This week I saw another breast cancer ad -- it said "squish a boob, save a life" and it had a fat little pink penguin on it. Although some may not see the difference - I like this ad. It focuses on lives. It could be referring to the process of a mammogram. And, the penguin is just confusing enough to make it totally non-sexual.

So, go squish yer boobs.

Confession

2007-10-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

I saw on the news that a small town church has created a website on which people can confess their sins and shames, and receive Christian support. All confessions are anonymous and can be in a variety of topics, although the "sexual" topic is the most popular thus far. I've not read most of the posts, but I understand that there is a fair amount of admitting addiction to internet porn.

My interest was sparked when one of the "highlighted" confessions was a person who said that they were sexually abused from a young age until adolescence. They said that they had forgiven the perpetrator but still felt shame.

I have mixed feelings about web site confessions. There is little feed back - unlike when you confess to a sponsor or a minister. Also, a few of the confessions I saw were more confessions that there was something to confess without actually getting to the misdeed. And, I am troubled by someone thinking that the shame they feel from the abuse they endured as a child is equal to the person having an extra-marital affair. I also have issues with the rather passive approach to correcting behavior the posters clearly are ashamed of . . . . this notion that anonymously confessing on a web site and then expecting "God" to remove the sin and temptation.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a minister friend of mine years ago. She said that humans cannot control divine forgiveness, but that we can bestow human forgiveness upon each other. She says that in order for someone to be "eligible" for forgiveness, they must do three things:

1) admit to their behavior and the harm it created. All of the harm created. If your children grew up without the basic necessities because you were addicted to drugs, you must confess not only your addiction but also harming your children.

2) you must atone for your actions in a manner meaningful to the people you harmed. If your addiction denied your children the basics, you might atone by assisting in paying for their educations or paying for part of their groceries or donating money or time to children's shelters.

3) you must change your behavior. You must get treatment for your addiction. You must work to stay clean. You must change those behaviors. If being an active member of a church family helps - then do it. If having a personal relationship with God helps you maintain your sobriety, by all means, have it. But, don't expect that you don't have to do any of the work yourself because you show up in church on Sundays but do nothing else to help yourself.

I worry when sexual abuse victims believe they bear the burden of forgiving their abuser without the abuser doing anything to earn that forgiveness. And, I'm not sure a public but anonymous site for confession really counts as confession.

Under the influence

2007-10-22T08:34:00.000-04:00

If you want to read the source article from the NY Times, click on the title of this post.

I remember watching parts of the HBO show "Capturing the Friedmens" and not being impressed. As anyone who watches television with a critical eye or has seen a Micheal Moore film, you can present evidence in a format that sounds like it might be balanced and truthful, but actually is rather biased and designed to lead the viewer to one specific conclusion.

I don't think I ever watched the whole program - simply because I thought it was bull.

Now, the man who was at the center of the show claims to have new evidence that the children in the case against him were hypnotized and influenced to "recall" abuse that never happened.

If you take the claim at face value, it appears he may have something worth looking into -- maybe not over turning his case, but taking a look. But, if you read the whole article, you see that the assertion is based on public speaking engagements from some of the therapists who treated the children central to the case, and in their lengthy talks, there is mention that sometimes, hypnosis can be a useful therapy tool for abused children in "cases like this." They never actually say "yes, we hypnotized the children, and only then did the children reveal or recall sexual abuse."

I'm mildly interested in this case. In the 80s (and early 90s) there were several cases of mass sexual abuse of children. These cases mostly happened before I started doing this work. They also happened at a time when most communities didn't have sexual assault crisis centers and when most therapists weren't required to be certified (at least in my state). Also, and we don't like to admit this often, there is still debate over the "best" way to treat abused children.

One of the problems is that with young children - it is difficult to lead them through cognitive processing. Other times, you have children who aren't invested in counseling. Other children may see the attentions and stresses surrounding the disclosure as negative and clam up. If the abuse created a dissolution of the family or household, it is difficult to encourage children to continue counseling. And, children are so heavily influenced by their parents, families.

If families aren't invested in counseling, children won't see the value in it. If family members question if the abuse happened, it feels like being disbelieved. Other times, family members will compact the shame the child feels, or openly blame the child for reporting it and bringing in outsiders to interfere.

I have no knowledge that would lead me to be able to say if this guy is guilty or innocent. I do have issues with the massive media attention on the very few cases of wrongful convictions (notice, I say media attention -- not on the wrongful conviction itself -- if there has been a wrongful conviction, our society owes it to the wrongfully convicted to be restored to their former life to the extent that we can.) and the little attention that is put on the issue of the many many many unsolved crimes in every community in America.

And, if we could prevent sexual abuse from happening in the first place, we wouldn't have to figure out ways to treat the victims.

Friday Fun Client Stories

2007-10-19T11:26:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, the help we extend isn't exactly in the realm of sexual violence. Because we are a crisis oriented organization, and because we are a "women's" organization, we get calls from people who have interesting situations and don't really know where else to turn. I'm sure there is quite the debate with themselves before calling us. Usually these calls are about something related to violence and women, crime, or sex.

A few years ago, we got a call from a woman with a very small voice. She clearly was calling us because she just didn't know who else to call and hoped we would be sympathetic or know where to find help. She had a variety of problems. She had lost her job and didn't know how she was going to pay her rent or power bills. She also had a young child and the father was gone. She was clearly embarrassed to admit that she'd had a fleeting relationship with a neighborhood guy, and realized after she got pregnant how little she really knew about him. Like his real name. She realized she only knew him by his nickname - "Batman." She knew the small community where his family lived, but they claimed to not be interested in any children he may or may not have fathered (their words.)

I referred her to several social service organizations and the local job link service and every other agency I could think of. I think that the clear desperation and hopelessness in her voice tugged on my heart strings more than other folks who call demanding public assistance.

A week or so later, I was talking to a friend who is a probation/parole officer. She was expressing frustration over the "street names" of the men she worked with - and how when she calls their homes, no one knows their legal names. I laughed and related my client's frustration in realizing after getting pregnant the importance of learning a legal name. When I mentioned that the missing father was "Batman" - my friend jumped in to say she had a man on her case load who was known as "Batman." She ordered a paternity test, and LO! he was the missing father.

The client was amazed that we were able to find "Batman" and get her some child support to help her out. Frankly, I was amazed too.

Teacher/Student Inappropriate Activities

2007-10-18T22:46:00.000-04:00

I've just been reading my hometown newspaper and see that a girl I went to high school with has been sentenced for inappropriate sexual activities with a student. Sigh. I can't say I am surprised. Not like there was anything in this woman's high school behavior that would lead me to think that 25 years later she'd be a sex offender. I'm not surprised because it just reminds me that anyone can be a sex offender.

I learned this when I was in high school. One of my teachers was convicted of sexually abusing a student. We had heard rumors of parties at this teacher's home for students who played sports. We'd heard rumors of her having an affair with one of the senior boys. We never dreamed that she'd be sexually abusing one of the younger girl ball players. Although, knowing what I know now, it fits. The girl she abused had a tough family/home life. She wasn't really popular and wasn't a stand out in the classroom or on the court. The perfect target for someone looking to prey on a vulnerable person.

Our local paper printed the whole transcript of the trial. I remember admiring the student for having the courage to testify -- even then I realized how difficult it would be to relate such details in front of strangers. We also learned from the trial that the teacher in question had lost a job in another state for similar activities and had been banned from teaching in that state. She moved on to our state. I remember thinking then that even though the judge ordered her to never teach again, I was pretty sure that in a couple years time (when she got out of jail) she'd must move on to another state.

This is why we need to link state sex offender registries so that it is harder for offenders to just move to a new place and set up shop again. Or make it easier for school systems to do back ground checks. It's not a cure-all, but a tool.

Rambling Thoughts

2007-10-17T11:05:00.000-04:00

This morning, I had a conversation with a woman who volunteers with my agency and is also working on completing her college degree. She is preparing a research project for a women's history course on illegitimacy. But, in her work, is finding lots of research about sex and women throughout American history. She says that she is finding that through the generations, women have usually viewed sex as an obligation or as something forced upon them by their husbands. There was no acknowledgement that women could or should enjoy sex or own their sexuality. In fact, if a woman did enjoy sex, she was seen as a witch or as having the devil in her.

Which got me thinking -- if this is the historical view towards sex for women as a whole (not individual women - I'm sure, from talking to my grandmother, that individual couples enjoyed sex), then it's actually pretty amazing that we have come to a point in human development that we are so organized to fight against hurtful, forced sex. It was in my life time, less than 40 years ago, that the first rape crisis centers organized over the public acknowledgement that rape is a problem for women and rape is bad. And, now, most communities either have or border on a community with sexual assault victim and prevention services.

It's amazing that we have come to a point where we don't just whisper amongst ourselves about the pain and shame of rape - but rather can work across many professions to reshape prevention as an activity designed to change men's and society's attitudes about rape and relationships and sex.

Maybe we should take a moment to appreciate how much we have done already -- before rolling up our sleeves to jump back in, eh?

A Test

2007-10-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

As usual, click on the title for the article.

I'm sure this sort of scene plays out across the country in large and small communities. I'm also certain that most people have no idea if any of their neighbors are convicted sex offenders. But, when it is discovered that a sex offender is living or intends to live in any given neighborhood, there is panic.

There is panic because studies in recent years have shown that most convicted sex offenders started committing their crimes young, and have committed many crimes before being reported, and often commit many more before being convicted. Most sex offenders are serial criminals. Also, sex crimes bring some of the deepest emotional reactions - especially in white, middle America. We, as a society, tolerate sex crimes with marginalized communities long before we tolerate them in middle class or "better" communities. (I've even heard some people dismiss the rape of young children in marginalized communities as "that's just the way those people are.")

But, I see the release of convicted sex offenders as a test for our justice system and our communities. There are those who believe that once the sentence has been served, the criminal ought to regain the freedoms enjoyed before the conviction. (I'm not one of those.) There are others who see it as a practical matter of the law - the laws we as a society established say that this is the punishment and once the punishment is meted out, there ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to behave themselves. (I can see this argument.) And, there are others who feel that with certain criminals, there ought to be other provisions made. (I can see where this argument comes from - but think it's a slippery slope.)

Yes - the criminal has the ultimate responsibility to control their actions and behaviors. But, I also realize that our society has a responsibility to place limits, act quickly, and amend laws we don't like. Ultimately, we as a society will need to devise more adequate ways of responding to sex offenders and other criminals. It's a test - for everyone involved.

Friday Fun Client Stories

2007-10-12T10:04:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I was able to convince the fine folks at our local college to let me present programs in the dorms. It is a small college and located in a rather provincial town. They didn't like to admit that their male and female students did much more than gaze thoughtfully into each other's eyes or occasionally hold hands.

When I finished up my presentation, and asked if there were any questions or comments, a young woman stood up and asked how they could bring more active programming to campus. She went on to become a campus leader in the push for better services for students and more awareness of the issues surrounding sexual violence on campus.

So, why do I tell you this story? Because, she was a client many years ago. She and her sister were sexually abused by a relative. The sexual abuse was a cycle in her family. I think I've seen a handful of her relatives for other victimizations. Her mother, also a client, decided in my office one day that the cycle was going to end. Her mother took an active role in helping her daughters. She consulted them when the DA's office called about a plea and again when the prison system wanted to know how they would feel if he were released early due to illness. She took time from her job to "reconnect" with her daughters.

And, the great pay off was that she and her daughters were able to build an even stronger bond than before, both girls went to college - the first in their family - and both girls were strong and bold and active in helping other abuse victims. And, that's why we do this work - for the kids and families who just need the opportunity to heal.

This Just In

2007-10-11T10:30:00.000-04:00

There is a movement to bring attention to the issue of violence against women through standing up with your wardrobe.

Wear Red on Oct. 31 to be a part of the movement. For more information, click on the title for the web site "Document the Silence."

Confessions

2007-10-11T10:13:00.000-04:00

I've been following the coverage of the multiple guilty pleas of kidnapper/sex offender Michael Devlin. He's the guy who kidnapped the two boys - several years apart - and inflicted all sorts of tortures and horrors on the boys, especially the first boy.

Initially, there weren't many details but lots of innuendos made in the media. We all pretty much knew that there was some sexual torture going on - even if no one would say it out loud. We also knew that Devlin had been using the older boy has his own personal puppet and the most heinous of mental games/abuses had happened.

I'm just cynical enough to wonder how much Devlin is "enjoying" the retelling of his crimes in vivid detail. I know that he must admit to his actions as part of his pleas - but I also suspect there is some pleasure in it for him too.

I also have to applaud the parents of the boys because it seems that they are shielding their boys from the media. I hope they are getting the counseling, assistance, and tutors they need to help work towards restoring them. And, I'm happy to see that so many jurisdictions are doing their part to insure this guy is never trolling the streets again.

The Law

2007-10-09T11:42:00.000-04:00

Today, I heard a story in NPR about Oregon will be extending rights to domestic partnerships -- such as survivorship rights or child custody rights. The state is careful to point out that this is not recognizing gay marriage - but that couples that do not marry (gay or otherwise) do require legal remedies/protections that are normally extended to married couples.

This got me thinking about the living aspects of our laws. Yes, our laws are living. They grow, they change, the reflect the society we become. When the men writing the constitution were hard at work, they could not have anticipated that someday we would need laws to protect children from Internet predators. This is why they created a function by which our Constitution and laws could be updated and changed.

Our laws are a reflection of our values and our condition as a society. Some aspects of our laws are judgemental - such as the penal code. Other aspect of our law merely create a standard under which citizens can find remedy or protections. This part of our law isn't judgemental.

This is why I'm a tad baffled at the push from some quarters to make gay marriages illegal or deny protections to gay couples. First, there are long lasting, monogamous gay and not-gay couples all over. Some choose for themselves the securities and instant social recognition of marriage - others are denied it or reject it for themselves. But, this doesn't mean those couples are less worthy of inheriting shared properties. It doesn't mean that children of these relationships are just out of luck if their parents split up -- one parent isn't just going to disappear.

Laws extending rights and protections to unmarried but committed couples/families is more about creating a structure for difficult situations than it is about threatening the marriages of those folks lucky enough to have the right to get married.

Just as we are quick to create laws regulating where convicted sex offenders can or cannot live - we should also be quick to offer all families equal protections under the law.

Compounding the injustice

2007-10-08T08:19:00.000-04:00

As is custom, click on the title to go to the story in question.

I imagine that other folks have followed with some interest the case of the US prosecutor who was arrested in an airport as he traveled to have sex with a 5 year old child. He had been chatting on-line with undercover cops who posed as the mother of the imaginary child. In the two weeks of chatting, the two had struck a bargain in which the prosecutor believed he was going to get a hot date with a 5 year old. When he was arrested, he was carrying earrings (for the mother), a dora doll, and petroleum jelly. EEEUUUUUWWWWWWW

This prosecutor was married, had children, and as far as the people in his community knew - a stand up guy who coached kids teams. (Okay, group shudder.)

I don't quite understand how anyone would think sex with a 5 year old would be so hot as to jeopardize everything in your life. Even if he wasn't thinking of his career - the years of study and work he undertook to earn his position of trust - he should have been thinking about how his family would bear this burden. Did he really believe he would never be found out? How many other children has he met that were actually children? Is there a trail of children in our country who have encountered this man before a random cop found him? I have a hard time believing that this is his first and only transgression.

The prosecutor killed himself in jail this weekend. He deprived our society and his family the opportunity to ask "Why?" He selfishly avoided further investigation into his past deeds. But, now his attorney has announced that he will ask that the charges be dropped against him. Not that the case be dismissed because the criminal doesn't live any longer - but that the charges be dropped.

I'm thinking that if there are children he raped or molested who haven't been found, knowing that he will never be held responsible for his actions is an injustice. Although, I'm sure his family will be relieved to know that he won't have the on-going label of "child rapist." I'm not sure how that helps -- since they still have to live with the horror of the event itself.

Friday Fun Client Stories

2007-10-05T11:23:00.000-04:00

This week I got a call from a student looking for resources for a school project. The reason I loved this call is that it's from a young woman we helped, oh my gosh, 8 years ago?

She was raped by her stepfather twice on successive nights. The third night, she ran away from home and stayed away. After telling her family why she'd run away, her stepfather went to prison and the relationship between my client and her mother was on the mend. It took a long time for the relationship to go from mother/child/betrayed and hurt to one of mutual friendship and restored trust.

My client went off to college - and from the sounds of it she did the college thing right - student leadership, lots of good friends, exposure to varied viewpoints, lots of learning - the whole thing. Now, after three years of public school teaching - she has started law school. She wants to use her law degree to be an advocate for children.

I love knowing that our clients who were at the depths of their lives have pulled themselves together and have created for themselves happy, successful lives. And, I can't help but feel a twinge of pride because I know somewhere along the line, I contributed just a bit.

Breaded and Fried

2007-10-04T23:37:00.001-04:00

A news item tonight caught my attention. A jury in Raleigh, North Carolina has found the founder of Smithfield's Chicken and BBQ liable in a sexual harassment suit filed by his male former assistant. The former employee said he was fired after refusing his boss' sexual advances. Other employees testified to similar firings.

Here's what interesting . . . . the award is noted by the media as being high for a community known for being conservative when handing out awards. Also, the founder of the restaurant chain testified that he is bisexual on the stand. And, we have male to male harassment.

I wonder if the "unusual" factor of the case being male to male harassment led the jury to be more sympathetic to the former employee? If the fired employee had been a young, attractive woman, would the jury have believed her? Would they have found anything "wrong" in the founder's behavior? Also, we don't often hear about homosexual or bi-sexual men and women being involved in sex related crimes. I don't know if they have a difficult time fitting into larger society -- or they aren't wired that way -- or are they willing to settle cases and not go to court?

We have a smithfield's in our town. I'll have to think twice now before I zip by for a bag of hush puppies.

We know it's a problem, but . . .

2007-10-04T14:58:00.000-04:00

Today, I found a conference on sex trafficking that I want to attend. The immigrant population of my state has grown tremendously over the last few years - and we have a hunch that there is also sexual enslavement or sex trafficking going on . . . but we don't have any true numbers. Every once in a while, a law enforcement agency busts an illegal brothel and arrests illegal immigrant women for prostitution. But we don't have any real proof of numbers and who and where they are.

And, this is one of the real problems with all sexual violence work. So many of the victims are silent or invisible, it's hard to know exactly the scope of the problem. If we don't have numbers, we can't justify the money we need to make services and assistance available.

Our local law enforcement recognizes that immigrant peoples are often targeted for crime. I think they would rather believe that those crimes are only property crimes.

sigh.

What's in a Name?

2007-10-03T19:21:00.001-04:00

Names are important. How you address other people is an indicator of your respect or manners. Business transactions can be derailed by calling someone the wrong name. A name can be an indication of enslavement or individuality.

It is my belief that names are even more significant for women. In the field in which I work, many women recognize the practice of changing one's name upon marriage significant. Heterosexual women sometimes see this as an extension of sexual ownership or loss of individual identity. Homosexual women who are in committed relationships see the different last names as a constant reminder of the denial of marriage rights.

And, there are a variety of ways to remedy this situation. I've seen women hyphenate their names upon marriage. But, I also see them drop the hyphen over the years -- especially if the hyphenated name is especially long or awkward, or if they have children and don't want to saddle children with an especially long name. I know of one couple who both took the hyphenated name so that they would have the same last name. (I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often.) And, I know one couple who created a new last name incorporating parts of their original names and both took the new name. I've known lesbian couples who changed their names legally to a hyphenated name.

I didn't change my name when I got married. Some people have clued into this and are respectful. Others insist on calling me by my husband's name.

Some times, when someone calls my husband by my last name, and we gently correct them - they get flustered and assume they have insulted him. However, if they call me by his last name and we gently correct them - I notice they act as if we have insulted them. Very strange.

But today, I had a thought. I attended a meeting today where most of the women in the group had hyphenated last names. I wondered if they assume I took my husband's last name because mine isn't hyphenated? I wonder what other assumptions this leads them to make about my feminist notions or liberal/conservative leanings?

How a good number of calls to the ER start

2007-10-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

This morning, a young woman who volunteered with my agency a couple of years ago stopped by my office to chat.

She related that she'd had an annoying event happen over the weekend. She is a separated mother of a pre-school aged boy. She shares a household with her divorced mother. Both she and her mother have jobs.

She started the tale by commenting about role reversal with her mother. She said that her mother had recently broken up with a boyfriend and was unhappy. Her mother's friends convinced her to go out to a night club with them as a distraction. My friend said that she fell asleep on the couch waiting for her mother to come home. She was awakened at 4 am when her mother came in, followed by a guy my friend had never seen before.

She said after a short time, the guy left her mother's bedroom. But, he sat in his vehicle for at least half an hour without driving off. This bothered my friend. Finally, the guy came back to the door and asked if he and his buddy could come inside and sleep. They said they were too drunk and cold to drive home or stay outside. My friend's mother agreed, and my friend found herself giving up the couch to the buddy who had stayed in the vehicle while her mother and her new friend were, um, hooking up.

She said that the guy on the couch tried to convince her to join him "to keep him warm."

She said she went to the bedroom she shares with her child and moved the dresser in front of the door.

The next morning her mother told her that as she and her friends were leaving the club, the guy she'd hooked up with called to her in the parking lot. And the line that got him into her pants? "I think you're pretty." She said she didn't really want to bring him home/have sex with him, but her friends said it would help her get over the ex-boyfriend.

This is a woman in her mid 40s. She is still letting her friends make her decisions. She has no more confidence in herself that a line like "you're pretty" is enough for her to over come her own pride and have sex with a near stranger. And, she exposed her child and grandchild a very real risk of harm.

Fortunately, no one was hurt. But, it was easily avoidable. I'm not saying the mother would have been to blame if one or both of these guys had criminal behavior on their minds . . . . but it seems to me that somewhere along the line smarter decisions were easy to make. If nothing else, your children or roommates deserve more respect than this story indicates.

implied lesbianism

2007-10-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

The other night, I went out clubbing with some friends. Something I'd not done in many a year. It was fun. It was exhausting. It was expensive. I don't see it becoming a habit.

But, one of the spectacles we were treated to was a group young women who were either soon to be college graduates or recent grads. They were all dolled up in cocktail dresses, big hair and big make-up. They were rubbing up against each other, fondling each other, having group kisses, and posing grabbing each other's breasts -- all for camera phone toting guys. They seemed to relish having their photos taken while behaving in a pretty sexual fashion.

I assumed that the boys taking the pictures were not part of the group because after the pictures were taken, the boys would drift off to compare pictures, and I assume email them to their buddies.

So, when did implied lesbianism become appropriate behavior? (I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends and relations, and have never seen this sort of behavior in the many situations I've seen them in.) And, don't these girls worry about what is going to happen with those pictures? Since we no longer teach sex ed in schools, what assumptions do men and women make about each other with this behavior? Is this behavior really an indicator of sexual freedom or women buying into sexual exploitation for the sake of male approval?

Maybe I'm too cynical because I would assume those pictures are going straight to the internet. And, I see this as an issue of women buying into the sexual exploitation of women.

sigh. Youth. But, whose to say I wouldn't have behaved that way in a different time and place? naw. I still hear my mother's/grandmother's voices in my head when contemplating bad behavior.

NOTE: After I wrote this, I thought that it might come across kinda harsh. I should clarify that I think that the behavior I describe in this post is insulting to people who are actually homosexual. And, I would like to note that being gay or lesbian is much more than who you have sex with -- but who you identify with and the way you define yourself within our society. I'm sorry if I came across as disapproving of actual gay and lesbian people. That isn't at all what I meant to achieve with this post.