This week, as the fiscal year (for those who know our office, shall I say "physical" . . . it's a joke with our staff because we run into so many folks who "out rank" us who insist on pronouncing "fiscal" as "physical" . . . and we decide to let that get on our nerves rather than, you know, like rape and stuff.)
Anyway, back on subject, the staff is working to close out cases . . . figure out which client files can be put in the locked filing cabinet that only I have a key to as opposed to the locked filing cabinet our client services folks have keys to.
I was struck by the contrasts of two cases I closed out yesterday. One involved a woman who reported sexual harassment, including 3rd degree sexual assault, in her work place. She told her supervisor what happened immediately . . . the supervisor referred her to our office and their internal HR office. (the right thing). We offered support, information . . . and she decided to file a grievance with HR. Her file notes say that HR did absolutely everything right. They listened to her . . . reassured her that they would do everything to keep the matter private . . . reprimanded the harasser . . . offered the client a change of job to minimize repeated contact with the perp . . . and kept her well informed of the case as it was handled. She was able to resume her day to day work in a short time and feels confident and secure in her job. YAY!
Then, the contrasting case was one of a young woman who initially reported a rape by a family member. The worker noted that the behavior of the client's mother seemed a tad inappropriate but that the client seemed to take it in stride so the worker said nothing about it. Later, the victim recanted her story. But, the condition of her recanting is chilling. She revealed that her youngest child (an infant) was fathered by her father. This case is working it's way through our court system and that her older child was fathered by her stepfather in another state. Apparently the case of that sexual abuse is winding it's way through another state's court systems.
What was even more chilling than the prospect of this child being forced to bear and care for children who were results of sexual violence . . . was that her mother had forced her to make up the most recent rape report. The mother's logic was that if the girl falsely reported a rape, was caught having falsely reported rape . . . then the case against the stepfather (who is also the mother's current husband) would be dropped because the girl would gain the reputation as having lied about being raped. We were sick over it. We are still helping her. And, suggested to the officer that perhaps an investigation into the mother might do some good.
On one hand, we have the perfect case . . . and on the other one in which everything has gone wrong from a long time ago. Hopefully, this time next year, I'll be more hopeful about the second case.
Showing posts with label Friday Fun Stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friday Fun Stories. Show all posts
Friday, June 20, 2008
Friday, December 14, 2007
Friday Fun: telling on myself
No client story this Friday, rather a little glimpse into our office.
When I tell people what it is I do with my life/for a living, the most common response is something along the lines of awe that I have the stomach for all that bad stuff. Heck, even other people who are in this business are a tad suspicious that I just might lose my head one day from doing this work for so long.
One of the survival secrets is to have a common enemy. Currently, the common enemy for the folks in my office is another human service agency. I won't name them, because all in all, they do good work. It's the personalities of their employees and the group competitiveness with us that makes them targets for the less than charitable comments we make in the privacy of our office. Oh, and they are fairly insensitive to the schedules of other agencies. They have this notion that their work is more important than any work done by any other organization in our community.
Unfortunately for me, in order to fully serve our clients, I have to work closely with this group. Most recently, the scheduled a community task force meeting for immediately after Christmas . . . and on a day most of the service providing agencies had planned to take as part of the holiday break. (We have a nice list of volunteers who are running the crisis line, but the office staff is on break.)
So, our snarkiness takes the form of thinking up fantasy ideas for playing with these people. This morning, we came up with acting like we are very formal in the office and refer to each by Ms (last name) and maybe even slip and use a first name and then immediately act as if we might get in trouble. There are also scenarios for giving information about each other without elaborating. When I expressed to their director that the task force meeting was inconvenient to people who wished to spend the holidays with family that weren't local, she suggested I send a lower ranking employee.
I'm going to the meeting, and if they ask why I just didn't send the employee. . . . I'm to explain that she is spending the first christmas with her father in nearly 20 years. Our hope is that they will ask why, and I can act as if we don't share personal information in our office. (Anyone who knows me or our staff knows that we are really very casual and get along quite well and actually nearly read each other's thoughts.)
I know, not really funny to anyone who isn't involved. But, being snarky in the privacy of our office relieves stress and is harmless . . . . as long as we keep it in the office.
When I tell people what it is I do with my life/for a living, the most common response is something along the lines of awe that I have the stomach for all that bad stuff. Heck, even other people who are in this business are a tad suspicious that I just might lose my head one day from doing this work for so long.
One of the survival secrets is to have a common enemy. Currently, the common enemy for the folks in my office is another human service agency. I won't name them, because all in all, they do good work. It's the personalities of their employees and the group competitiveness with us that makes them targets for the less than charitable comments we make in the privacy of our office. Oh, and they are fairly insensitive to the schedules of other agencies. They have this notion that their work is more important than any work done by any other organization in our community.
Unfortunately for me, in order to fully serve our clients, I have to work closely with this group. Most recently, the scheduled a community task force meeting for immediately after Christmas . . . and on a day most of the service providing agencies had planned to take as part of the holiday break. (We have a nice list of volunteers who are running the crisis line, but the office staff is on break.)
So, our snarkiness takes the form of thinking up fantasy ideas for playing with these people. This morning, we came up with acting like we are very formal in the office and refer to each by Ms (last name) and maybe even slip and use a first name and then immediately act as if we might get in trouble. There are also scenarios for giving information about each other without elaborating. When I expressed to their director that the task force meeting was inconvenient to people who wished to spend the holidays with family that weren't local, she suggested I send a lower ranking employee.
I'm going to the meeting, and if they ask why I just didn't send the employee. . . . I'm to explain that she is spending the first christmas with her father in nearly 20 years. Our hope is that they will ask why, and I can act as if we don't share personal information in our office. (Anyone who knows me or our staff knows that we are really very casual and get along quite well and actually nearly read each other's thoughts.)
I know, not really funny to anyone who isn't involved. But, being snarky in the privacy of our office relieves stress and is harmless . . . . as long as we keep it in the office.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Friday Client Stories (not a fun one this time)
Because so many of the clients we serve are assaulted and abused by people we know, many of our office discussions center on relationships. Parent - child relationships, extended family relationships, acquaintance relationships, and intimate relationships.
I believe that people can get into relationship ruts. They pick the same sorts of people to be with over and over again. People go into new relationships waiting for the hurts of past relationships to pop up again. Once in a relationship, some people rehash the same arguments and scenes out over and over. People go back to people who have hurt them, over and over, somehow expecting that TODAY it will be different.
Last night, my agency responded to a client in the ER. This client had a long history of poor relationships. She says that her mother died when she was young and that her father ran out on the family. She says that they lived briefly with the grandparents - but her interpretation was that her grandmother "kicked them out" when she was 10. She had a series of foster and group homes. She was not protected or made to feel loved as a child.
She was much more concerned about being believed and how people around her would respond to her latest abuse. She talked of her history (and current habit) of self abuse.
At one point, she was visited by several relatives - two adults and a teen. The teen seemed overwhelmed by the situation and I'm not sure it was appropriate for him to be made a part of the scene. One of the adults hugged and held her - and repeatedly urged her to seek religious comfort. The other adult cried with her, held her, and whispered soothing things. It appeared to be the type of scene she craved and needed and deserved. But, I could tell that the few minutes of peace and comfort she felt wasn't enough to make up for the years of when it was lacking. And, as soon as it was over, she seemed to forget it happened.
The night ended with a scene I hate. She was on the phone with her family, pleading for someone to come pick her up from the hospital. She was detailing the hurts she'd suffered in a desperate attempt for them to believe her, and respond to her in a way she wanted. Sadly, I think the people she was talking to were incapable of being the people she dreams of them being, and I think that her own history of behaviors have worn them out too. It's all part of that rut.
When I see women in her situation, I am struck by how very lucky I was to have family members who were capable of being who and what I needed when others weren't. I also realize that one or two different decisions in my life, and I could have been in her situation rather than mine. I really think it can be just that simple for a life to be derailed.
I believe that people can get into relationship ruts. They pick the same sorts of people to be with over and over again. People go into new relationships waiting for the hurts of past relationships to pop up again. Once in a relationship, some people rehash the same arguments and scenes out over and over. People go back to people who have hurt them, over and over, somehow expecting that TODAY it will be different.
Last night, my agency responded to a client in the ER. This client had a long history of poor relationships. She says that her mother died when she was young and that her father ran out on the family. She says that they lived briefly with the grandparents - but her interpretation was that her grandmother "kicked them out" when she was 10. She had a series of foster and group homes. She was not protected or made to feel loved as a child.
She was much more concerned about being believed and how people around her would respond to her latest abuse. She talked of her history (and current habit) of self abuse.
At one point, she was visited by several relatives - two adults and a teen. The teen seemed overwhelmed by the situation and I'm not sure it was appropriate for him to be made a part of the scene. One of the adults hugged and held her - and repeatedly urged her to seek religious comfort. The other adult cried with her, held her, and whispered soothing things. It appeared to be the type of scene she craved and needed and deserved. But, I could tell that the few minutes of peace and comfort she felt wasn't enough to make up for the years of when it was lacking. And, as soon as it was over, she seemed to forget it happened.
The night ended with a scene I hate. She was on the phone with her family, pleading for someone to come pick her up from the hospital. She was detailing the hurts she'd suffered in a desperate attempt for them to believe her, and respond to her in a way she wanted. Sadly, I think the people she was talking to were incapable of being the people she dreams of them being, and I think that her own history of behaviors have worn them out too. It's all part of that rut.
When I see women in her situation, I am struck by how very lucky I was to have family members who were capable of being who and what I needed when others weren't. I also realize that one or two different decisions in my life, and I could have been in her situation rather than mine. I really think it can be just that simple for a life to be derailed.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Actually, today I'm gonna tell on my self a bit.
I've always, or pretty much always, had feminist leanings. My early childhood years were spent in the San Francisco Bay area in the early to mid 70s. My mom was a grad. student at Berkeley. We spent more time seeing freaky things in SF and Berkeley than most kids. I have memories of not being at all shocked at seeing naked people on the street. I remember seeing people I now know were out of their gourds high dancing to their own music. I remember my mom having a "rape whistle" on her keys. I also remember Saturdays spent on grassy lawns watching my mom's belly dancing class perform.
Add to all this, my best friend's mom was also something of a feminist. In fact, it was from my friend's mom and sister I learned the phrase "male chauvinist pig." The first time I used the phrase at home was towards my father when he told me to do dishes while he and my brother's watched football. He later told me that he tried really hard not to laugh as to not encourage me.
But, despite all my feminist leanings, I didn't really have many female friends when I was in jr. high or high school. I didn't get into girl competition for male attention. I wasn't completely absorbed in my appearance. I didn't spend hours giggling over pictures of cute boys in magazines. I probably came dangerously close to needing to have a telephone receiver surgically removed from my ear.
It was frustrating to be a young feminist - and at the same time feel so disconnected from other girls. Fortunately, in college and adulthood, I've found many wonderful women who are smart, and funny, and kind, and who make wonderful friends. It's enough to restore all those feminist leanings.
I've always, or pretty much always, had feminist leanings. My early childhood years were spent in the San Francisco Bay area in the early to mid 70s. My mom was a grad. student at Berkeley. We spent more time seeing freaky things in SF and Berkeley than most kids. I have memories of not being at all shocked at seeing naked people on the street. I remember seeing people I now know were out of their gourds high dancing to their own music. I remember my mom having a "rape whistle" on her keys. I also remember Saturdays spent on grassy lawns watching my mom's belly dancing class perform.
Add to all this, my best friend's mom was also something of a feminist. In fact, it was from my friend's mom and sister I learned the phrase "male chauvinist pig." The first time I used the phrase at home was towards my father when he told me to do dishes while he and my brother's watched football. He later told me that he tried really hard not to laugh as to not encourage me.
But, despite all my feminist leanings, I didn't really have many female friends when I was in jr. high or high school. I didn't get into girl competition for male attention. I wasn't completely absorbed in my appearance. I didn't spend hours giggling over pictures of cute boys in magazines. I probably came dangerously close to needing to have a telephone receiver surgically removed from my ear.
It was frustrating to be a young feminist - and at the same time feel so disconnected from other girls. Fortunately, in college and adulthood, I've found many wonderful women who are smart, and funny, and kind, and who make wonderful friends. It's enough to restore all those feminist leanings.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Sometimes, the help we extend isn't exactly in the realm of sexual violence. Because we are a crisis oriented organization, and because we are a "women's" organization, we get calls from people who have interesting situations and don't really know where else to turn. I'm sure there is quite the debate with themselves before calling us. Usually these calls are about something related to violence and women, crime, or sex.
A few years ago, we got a call from a woman with a very small voice. She clearly was calling us because she just didn't know who else to call and hoped we would be sympathetic or know where to find help. She had a variety of problems. She had lost her job and didn't know how she was going to pay her rent or power bills. She also had a young child and the father was gone. She was clearly embarrassed to admit that she'd had a fleeting relationship with a neighborhood guy, and realized after she got pregnant how little she really knew about him. Like his real name. She realized she only knew him by his nickname - "Batman." She knew the small community where his family lived, but they claimed to not be interested in any children he may or may not have fathered (their words.)
I referred her to several social service organizations and the local job link service and every other agency I could think of. I think that the clear desperation and hopelessness in her voice tugged on my heart strings more than other folks who call demanding public assistance.
A week or so later, I was talking to a friend who is a probation/parole officer. She was expressing frustration over the "street names" of the men she worked with - and how when she calls their homes, no one knows their legal names. I laughed and related my client's frustration in realizing after getting pregnant the importance of learning a legal name. When I mentioned that the missing father was "Batman" - my friend jumped in to say she had a man on her case load who was known as "Batman." She ordered a paternity test, and LO! he was the missing father.
The client was amazed that we were able to find "Batman" and get her some child support to help her out. Frankly, I was amazed too.
A few years ago, we got a call from a woman with a very small voice. She clearly was calling us because she just didn't know who else to call and hoped we would be sympathetic or know where to find help. She had a variety of problems. She had lost her job and didn't know how she was going to pay her rent or power bills. She also had a young child and the father was gone. She was clearly embarrassed to admit that she'd had a fleeting relationship with a neighborhood guy, and realized after she got pregnant how little she really knew about him. Like his real name. She realized she only knew him by his nickname - "Batman." She knew the small community where his family lived, but they claimed to not be interested in any children he may or may not have fathered (their words.)
I referred her to several social service organizations and the local job link service and every other agency I could think of. I think that the clear desperation and hopelessness in her voice tugged on my heart strings more than other folks who call demanding public assistance.
A week or so later, I was talking to a friend who is a probation/parole officer. She was expressing frustration over the "street names" of the men she worked with - and how when she calls their homes, no one knows their legal names. I laughed and related my client's frustration in realizing after getting pregnant the importance of learning a legal name. When I mentioned that the missing father was "Batman" - my friend jumped in to say she had a man on her case load who was known as "Batman." She ordered a paternity test, and LO! he was the missing father.
The client was amazed that we were able to find "Batman" and get her some child support to help her out. Frankly, I was amazed too.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
A few years ago, I was able to convince the fine folks at our local college to let me present programs in the dorms. It is a small college and located in a rather provincial town. They didn't like to admit that their male and female students did much more than gaze thoughtfully into each other's eyes or occasionally hold hands.
When I finished up my presentation, and asked if there were any questions or comments, a young woman stood up and asked how they could bring more active programming to campus. She went on to become a campus leader in the push for better services for students and more awareness of the issues surrounding sexual violence on campus.
So, why do I tell you this story? Because, she was a client many years ago. She and her sister were sexually abused by a relative. The sexual abuse was a cycle in her family. I think I've seen a handful of her relatives for other victimizations. Her mother, also a client, decided in my office one day that the cycle was going to end. Her mother took an active role in helping her daughters. She consulted them when the DA's office called about a plea and again when the prison system wanted to know how they would feel if he were released early due to illness. She took time from her job to "reconnect" with her daughters.
And, the great pay off was that she and her daughters were able to build an even stronger bond than before, both girls went to college - the first in their family - and both girls were strong and bold and active in helping other abuse victims. And, that's why we do this work - for the kids and families who just need the opportunity to heal.
When I finished up my presentation, and asked if there were any questions or comments, a young woman stood up and asked how they could bring more active programming to campus. She went on to become a campus leader in the push for better services for students and more awareness of the issues surrounding sexual violence on campus.
So, why do I tell you this story? Because, she was a client many years ago. She and her sister were sexually abused by a relative. The sexual abuse was a cycle in her family. I think I've seen a handful of her relatives for other victimizations. Her mother, also a client, decided in my office one day that the cycle was going to end. Her mother took an active role in helping her daughters. She consulted them when the DA's office called about a plea and again when the prison system wanted to know how they would feel if he were released early due to illness. She took time from her job to "reconnect" with her daughters.
And, the great pay off was that she and her daughters were able to build an even stronger bond than before, both girls went to college - the first in their family - and both girls were strong and bold and active in helping other abuse victims. And, that's why we do this work - for the kids and families who just need the opportunity to heal.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
This week I got a call from a student looking for resources for a school project. The reason I loved this call is that it's from a young woman we helped, oh my gosh, 8 years ago?
She was raped by her stepfather twice on successive nights. The third night, she ran away from home and stayed away. After telling her family why she'd run away, her stepfather went to prison and the relationship between my client and her mother was on the mend. It took a long time for the relationship to go from mother/child/betrayed and hurt to one of mutual friendship and restored trust.
My client went off to college - and from the sounds of it she did the college thing right - student leadership, lots of good friends, exposure to varied viewpoints, lots of learning - the whole thing. Now, after three years of public school teaching - she has started law school. She wants to use her law degree to be an advocate for children.
I love knowing that our clients who were at the depths of their lives have pulled themselves together and have created for themselves happy, successful lives. And, I can't help but feel a twinge of pride because I know somewhere along the line, I contributed just a bit.
She was raped by her stepfather twice on successive nights. The third night, she ran away from home and stayed away. After telling her family why she'd run away, her stepfather went to prison and the relationship between my client and her mother was on the mend. It took a long time for the relationship to go from mother/child/betrayed and hurt to one of mutual friendship and restored trust.
My client went off to college - and from the sounds of it she did the college thing right - student leadership, lots of good friends, exposure to varied viewpoints, lots of learning - the whole thing. Now, after three years of public school teaching - she has started law school. She wants to use her law degree to be an advocate for children.
I love knowing that our clients who were at the depths of their lives have pulled themselves together and have created for themselves happy, successful lives. And, I can't help but feel a twinge of pride because I know somewhere along the line, I contributed just a bit.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Every once in a while, there is a client you just can't bring yourself to like. Several years ago, there was a client in the ER who was car jacked. Once I arrived in the ER, I found that actually, she'd consumed a 12 pack of beer and then went out in her car looking to score some drugs. She found a dealer on the "wrong side of town." In addition to taking "payment" he also sucker punched her, raped her, and took off in her car. (Law enforcement weren't entirely sure she'd not offered her car as payment for the drugs because she couldn't specify how much money she'd given him.)
She was very drunk and very high and very unhappy. She used as much profanity as I've ever heard from a client in the ER -- some of it hurled towards me and some towards the nurse. She was as unlikable as a client could get. When the doctor finished the pelvic exam, she immediately tried to get off the exam table. The problem was that the table had been put up high for the doctor's convenience. She fell off the end of the table and landed on her hip/butt.
She didn't even feel the impact of falling from a table about three - four feet up. I was relieved when I could leave the ER and never see her again.
The next day, she called our office. Now sober, she was feeling quite embarrassed over her behavior. She apologized for her abusiveness. And, since that almost never happens, my feelings about her changed immediately. It was nice to see someone take responsibility for their behavior towards people trying to help her. And, it was nice to let go of feeling resentment towards her - or the guilt for feeling that resentment.
She was very drunk and very high and very unhappy. She used as much profanity as I've ever heard from a client in the ER -- some of it hurled towards me and some towards the nurse. She was as unlikable as a client could get. When the doctor finished the pelvic exam, she immediately tried to get off the exam table. The problem was that the table had been put up high for the doctor's convenience. She fell off the end of the table and landed on her hip/butt.
She didn't even feel the impact of falling from a table about three - four feet up. I was relieved when I could leave the ER and never see her again.
The next day, she called our office. Now sober, she was feeling quite embarrassed over her behavior. She apologized for her abusiveness. And, since that almost never happens, my feelings about her changed immediately. It was nice to see someone take responsibility for their behavior towards people trying to help her. And, it was nice to let go of feeling resentment towards her - or the guilt for feeling that resentment.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
What a long, busy week. Meetings - trainings - client calls - more than the usual hubbub. I suspect we have hit that point in which most productivity is achieved --- you know - that magical time between the end of summer and the holidays. Pretty much, from early September to Halloween is the most productive time of the year.
Here is this week's client story.
One of the aspects of victimization that bothers folks the most is just how the event totally consumes the victim's life. Intrusive thoughts - being "on guard" all the time (not just in case the perp is encountered but also other people's reactions both good and bad). Lots of times when victims shut down or insist they don't want to continue working with the court system it's because really they just want their lives back without every waking moment being about the rape.
Several years ago, I had a client in the ER who experienced the type of rape we are taught to fear most. It was a terrifying and violent assault. The perpetrator threatened her young child with serious injury to buy her cooperation. But, she used her smarts and managed to get him out of her house before he harmed her child or had the opportunity to harm her more than he already had.
Also, she was one of those rare victims who was very expressive in her pain. She wailed. You know how you read about women grieving and the wailing and tearing of hair and beating of breast? This is what I saw with her. It may have been the only client I've ever had who was that visibly upset in front of us.
After the rape, she would come to my office and curl up on our couch and cry for 45 minutes. She didn't want to cry in front of her children - but she felt like she had to "let it out." As you can imagine, she got tired of being this sad, this upset constantly.
Then, her child provided her with a distraction. The child shoved a popcorn hull up her nose and it got stuck. My client spent a day going from doctor to doctor looking for someone who could remove it. Finally, late in the afternoon - she found a doctor willing to remove it. Later, she told me that she realized that the whole day she was running around to doctors, she wasn't thinking about the rape. She realized that it felt good to set it aside for just a few hours.
The next week, when the child did it again - she knew which doctor to visit. And, it was the last time they had pop corn in their household for quite some time.
Here is this week's client story.
One of the aspects of victimization that bothers folks the most is just how the event totally consumes the victim's life. Intrusive thoughts - being "on guard" all the time (not just in case the perp is encountered but also other people's reactions both good and bad). Lots of times when victims shut down or insist they don't want to continue working with the court system it's because really they just want their lives back without every waking moment being about the rape.
Several years ago, I had a client in the ER who experienced the type of rape we are taught to fear most. It was a terrifying and violent assault. The perpetrator threatened her young child with serious injury to buy her cooperation. But, she used her smarts and managed to get him out of her house before he harmed her child or had the opportunity to harm her more than he already had.
Also, she was one of those rare victims who was very expressive in her pain. She wailed. You know how you read about women grieving and the wailing and tearing of hair and beating of breast? This is what I saw with her. It may have been the only client I've ever had who was that visibly upset in front of us.
After the rape, she would come to my office and curl up on our couch and cry for 45 minutes. She didn't want to cry in front of her children - but she felt like she had to "let it out." As you can imagine, she got tired of being this sad, this upset constantly.
Then, her child provided her with a distraction. The child shoved a popcorn hull up her nose and it got stuck. My client spent a day going from doctor to doctor looking for someone who could remove it. Finally, late in the afternoon - she found a doctor willing to remove it. Later, she told me that she realized that the whole day she was running around to doctors, she wasn't thinking about the rape. She realized that it felt good to set it aside for just a few hours.
The next week, when the child did it again - she knew which doctor to visit. And, it was the last time they had pop corn in their household for quite some time.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Karma comes in all packages - and usually when you don't expect it.
This morning - I pulled up to my office, to see a big ol' caddy out front. I usually am the first person in the office in my downtown location, so this was a surprise to me. As I parked, I saw that it was a client from many many many years ago. She smiled and waved really big. As I got out of my car, she said "I have lots of stuff for you" - and she showed me her back seat. It was literally piled high with bags and bags of toiletries.
She was a client we saw in the Emergency Room in the early days of our agency. Back then, she was a mother of children ranging from teens to toddlers, and was kidnapped and raped at gun point on Mother's Day. (Just a side note: we've had more clients in the ER on Mother's Day than any other holiday. I know that in the world of Domestic Violence, Super Bowl Sunday is the day they see the most violence. Mother's Day and the Super Bowl? That's a tad obvious, isn't it?) We went to court with her - held her hand while testimony was given, paced the halls while the jury deliberated, and wilted with relief when he was convicted on all counts.
She says that she never forgot what we did for her during those dark days. This summer, after seeing an article about our agency, she decided to undertake a project for us. She went to her church, all people who knew about her rape, and asked them to collect toiletries for us to give to victims we see in the ER. (When someone undergoes the evidence collection process, their clothing is taken for evidence purposes. We provide those clients with a sweatsuit and toiletries so that they can clean up and feel "human" again before talking to the police.) Her church family gave us lovely scented things - full sized bottles of lotion and shampoo - the works. They were quite generous and obviously thought about what would make someone comfortable at such a time.
She's in graduate school, and a grandmother, and looked very very happy.
This morning - I pulled up to my office, to see a big ol' caddy out front. I usually am the first person in the office in my downtown location, so this was a surprise to me. As I parked, I saw that it was a client from many many many years ago. She smiled and waved really big. As I got out of my car, she said "I have lots of stuff for you" - and she showed me her back seat. It was literally piled high with bags and bags of toiletries.
She was a client we saw in the Emergency Room in the early days of our agency. Back then, she was a mother of children ranging from teens to toddlers, and was kidnapped and raped at gun point on Mother's Day. (Just a side note: we've had more clients in the ER on Mother's Day than any other holiday. I know that in the world of Domestic Violence, Super Bowl Sunday is the day they see the most violence. Mother's Day and the Super Bowl? That's a tad obvious, isn't it?) We went to court with her - held her hand while testimony was given, paced the halls while the jury deliberated, and wilted with relief when he was convicted on all counts.
She says that she never forgot what we did for her during those dark days. This summer, after seeing an article about our agency, she decided to undertake a project for us. She went to her church, all people who knew about her rape, and asked them to collect toiletries for us to give to victims we see in the ER. (When someone undergoes the evidence collection process, their clothing is taken for evidence purposes. We provide those clients with a sweatsuit and toiletries so that they can clean up and feel "human" again before talking to the police.) Her church family gave us lovely scented things - full sized bottles of lotion and shampoo - the works. They were quite generous and obviously thought about what would make someone comfortable at such a time.
She's in graduate school, and a grandmother, and looked very very happy.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Years and Years ago, I would go into classrooms and do the 20 minute talk to kids ranging from 4th - 10th grades about avoiding the creeps. I always hated doing these talks because I felt like it opened and then slammed shut the door without really giving kids any actual skill or more than the most superficial of information.
I always ask if there are questions - and typically, when I spoke to younger groups of kids - I'd hear all sorts of stories about what they'd heard in the family or seen on TV. One time, while speaking to a group of 4th graders, a child raised her hand and said "Sally (while pointing) was raped by her daddy." (and, of course, Sally isn't her real name either)
I was horrified. I think I said something about being a good friend means not spilling private information about others without their permission.
After the class was over, "Sally" talked to me . . . she told me that what the child had said was true - but that social services got involved and that she and her mother were now living away from her father and that she and her mom were both much happier.
What's fun is that I recognized her story. Earlier that year, I'd gotten a call from a mother whose child had hosted a sleepover the prior weekend. One of the children at the sleepover told the other children in the group that her father was having sex with her. I took the information, and I reported the case to DSS. I was thrilled to hear that it was exactly what the child and her mother needed to make their lives safer and happier.
I always ask if there are questions - and typically, when I spoke to younger groups of kids - I'd hear all sorts of stories about what they'd heard in the family or seen on TV. One time, while speaking to a group of 4th graders, a child raised her hand and said "Sally (while pointing) was raped by her daddy." (and, of course, Sally isn't her real name either)
I was horrified. I think I said something about being a good friend means not spilling private information about others without their permission.
After the class was over, "Sally" talked to me . . . she told me that what the child had said was true - but that social services got involved and that she and her mother were now living away from her father and that she and her mom were both much happier.
What's fun is that I recognized her story. Earlier that year, I'd gotten a call from a mother whose child had hosted a sleepover the prior weekend. One of the children at the sleepover told the other children in the group that her father was having sex with her. I took the information, and I reported the case to DSS. I was thrilled to hear that it was exactly what the child and her mother needed to make their lives safer and happier.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
From time to time, we are able to scrape together enough survivors to host a support group. Being that we are in a rural community - that is pretty spread out - and there is high poverty, lots of single parent households, and a seeming preference for medications over counseling, it's difficult to pull off a successful support group. I find if we have a couple of women who have done the AA or NA thing, it's much more successful.
That being said, we have had a few really good groups. We do a combination of written and art projects to give women a variety of ways to express themselves and explore their histories and feelings. One memorable group loved that we had several years ago laughed at me because I routinely would make them all go outside to appreciate the beauty of the sunset.
Another thing we would do at each meeting was go around the room and everyone needed to say one good thing that happened to them or they had done in the previous week. The fun thing to observe was that at the beginning of the group sessions, the women pretty much all would mention good events that they had nothing to do with . . . the ex actually paid his child support on time, the landlord fixed the sink that had been malfunctioning for weeks, and the like. By the end of our sessions, the women were commenting more and more about good things they had done themselves.
So, the fun story today is about a woman from that group. I seem to remember her as an older woman - but it could have also have been because she'd had a pretty hard life - including a run in a federal prison. She had been molested by a local doctor who molested quite a few of his patients. He eventually pleaded guilty to the charges and surrendered his medical license. The molestation and subsequent trial brought up issues from her childhood, past abusive relationships, and her current abusive relationship.
After the trial - which ended when the doctor's wife heard the testimony of several patients (she also worked in the same clinic and knew these patients) and demanded that he take a plea, this woman agreed to attend our group. She actually did really well in the group.
A couple years after the group ended, I ran into this woman in the parking lot of the local grocery store - and she ran up to me and the first things out her mouth were "oh, let me tell you all the good things that have happened . . . "
I knew that even if she didn't get anything else out of our group - she did learn to act on her own behalf to make good things happen, to not let the bad things define her, and to appreciate what was around her.
That being said, we have had a few really good groups. We do a combination of written and art projects to give women a variety of ways to express themselves and explore their histories and feelings. One memorable group loved that we had several years ago laughed at me because I routinely would make them all go outside to appreciate the beauty of the sunset.
Another thing we would do at each meeting was go around the room and everyone needed to say one good thing that happened to them or they had done in the previous week. The fun thing to observe was that at the beginning of the group sessions, the women pretty much all would mention good events that they had nothing to do with . . . the ex actually paid his child support on time, the landlord fixed the sink that had been malfunctioning for weeks, and the like. By the end of our sessions, the women were commenting more and more about good things they had done themselves.
So, the fun story today is about a woman from that group. I seem to remember her as an older woman - but it could have also have been because she'd had a pretty hard life - including a run in a federal prison. She had been molested by a local doctor who molested quite a few of his patients. He eventually pleaded guilty to the charges and surrendered his medical license. The molestation and subsequent trial brought up issues from her childhood, past abusive relationships, and her current abusive relationship.
After the trial - which ended when the doctor's wife heard the testimony of several patients (she also worked in the same clinic and knew these patients) and demanded that he take a plea, this woman agreed to attend our group. She actually did really well in the group.
A couple years after the group ended, I ran into this woman in the parking lot of the local grocery store - and she ran up to me and the first things out her mouth were "oh, let me tell you all the good things that have happened . . . "
I knew that even if she didn't get anything else out of our group - she did learn to act on her own behalf to make good things happen, to not let the bad things define her, and to appreciate what was around her.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories: The laughing matter
Lots of folks labor under the idea that when we serve a victim in the ER, that it is a tense and sorrowful experience. Lots of folks assume that victims cry and are very upset. In fact, most women focus in on the details of cooperating with law enforcement and medical personnel. They may cry a bit, but most of the time, women keep their emotional reaction under control until they have a private moment to let go. But, every victim reacts in a way that is true to their personality and situation.
Today, I was reminded of the laughing moments. We were assisting a woman who was assaulted, nearly killed, and sexually abused by a boyfriend. She reacted in the ways that are totally appropriate for the betrayal of trust she'd experienced. She cried some. She expressed anger. She expressed regret. And, when the doctor was doing the pelvic exam, she expressed the hope that she wouldn't pee all over the doctor.
I like those moments when the victim is able to express the range of emotions - including seeing the ridiculousness of the situation. And, that she trusts that we won't judge her for laughing too.
Today, I was reminded of the laughing moments. We were assisting a woman who was assaulted, nearly killed, and sexually abused by a boyfriend. She reacted in the ways that are totally appropriate for the betrayal of trust she'd experienced. She cried some. She expressed anger. She expressed regret. And, when the doctor was doing the pelvic exam, she expressed the hope that she wouldn't pee all over the doctor.
I like those moments when the victim is able to express the range of emotions - including seeing the ridiculousness of the situation. And, that she trusts that we won't judge her for laughing too.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Boys will be boys? And Fun Friday Story
Today, a co-worker was telling me about a controversy over kids who have taken the "sports" thing of smacking each other on the arse to a whole new level and are now smacking each other on the arse in the halls and other inappropriate times and places.
Now, my understanding is that the butt smack in football is more an expression of congratulations between equals. A butt smack conveys "good job" and "dude" and "there is no I in team" and all that good stuff about team sports. It is generally given and received as a good gesture and again, between equals. I assume that the butt smacking in the halls and in class is much more about touching each other - or hurting each other - or freaking out the old people.
I think this is a great "teaching moment" for the teachers/coaches/other responsible adults. I think you explain why they can't do this in the halls, etc - establish a rule and sanctions for breaking the rule. I don't think having the little monsters charged with sex offenses is necessarily the most appropriate way to model or teach appropriate behaviors. I actually am disturbed by how often adults think the appropriate way to deal with misbehavior of young kids is to have them brought up on criminal charges.
But, this reminds me of a story - and since I'm taking a bit of "me" time tomorrow and not going to be able to post a fun Friday client story, I thought I'd leave y'all with this one.
Years ago, I had a friend who worked in a similar agency in another community. She was somewhat older than me at the time, and I thought of her as something of a mentor. She had two little boys. She and her husband were committed to rearing their children in a non-violent home. They didn't allow toy weapons of any type, the regulated television/movies/videos for violent content, and they modeled the behavior they wanted their children to adopt.
One night, while entertaining company - one of her little boys (I think he was pre-school aged at the time) ran into the living room where they were enjoying coffee and conversation. He was naked, and he grabbed his penis and said "pa-pow, pa-pow, pa-pow! I shot you all, I shot you all dead" and ran out of the room. My friend was utterly mortified. She couldn't even begin to understand or explain where that behavior came from, other than to say that little boys can make guns out of everything.
Now, my understanding is that the butt smack in football is more an expression of congratulations between equals. A butt smack conveys "good job" and "dude" and "there is no I in team" and all that good stuff about team sports. It is generally given and received as a good gesture and again, between equals. I assume that the butt smacking in the halls and in class is much more about touching each other - or hurting each other - or freaking out the old people.
I think this is a great "teaching moment" for the teachers/coaches/other responsible adults. I think you explain why they can't do this in the halls, etc - establish a rule and sanctions for breaking the rule. I don't think having the little monsters charged with sex offenses is necessarily the most appropriate way to model or teach appropriate behaviors. I actually am disturbed by how often adults think the appropriate way to deal with misbehavior of young kids is to have them brought up on criminal charges.
But, this reminds me of a story - and since I'm taking a bit of "me" time tomorrow and not going to be able to post a fun Friday client story, I thought I'd leave y'all with this one.
Years ago, I had a friend who worked in a similar agency in another community. She was somewhat older than me at the time, and I thought of her as something of a mentor. She had two little boys. She and her husband were committed to rearing their children in a non-violent home. They didn't allow toy weapons of any type, the regulated television/movies/videos for violent content, and they modeled the behavior they wanted their children to adopt.
One night, while entertaining company - one of her little boys (I think he was pre-school aged at the time) ran into the living room where they were enjoying coffee and conversation. He was naked, and he grabbed his penis and said "pa-pow, pa-pow, pa-pow! I shot you all, I shot you all dead" and ran out of the room. My friend was utterly mortified. She couldn't even begin to understand or explain where that behavior came from, other than to say that little boys can make guns out of everything.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Just as a matter of information - part two of that NPR story from yesterday's post is on the NPR web site if you want to get the rest of the story. It will depress you.
But, on to the Friday Fun. I wanted to tell you about one of my best moments of doing this job.
A few years back, I got a call from one of the first clients with whom I ever worked. Back then, she was a teen who was dealing with the aftermath of reporting the sexual abuse she'd suffered since she was a toddler. Because it was a family case, there were people around her taking sides - some she had assumed would stand by her ended up speaking out against her. It was a difficult time for her. I would see her often through the health clinic at her school.
But, time goes by -- and people grow up. She now is all grown up, lives in another state, and works with sexually abused children. She is married and when she called, was expecting her first child.
She called to tell me that she wanted me to know how often she thought of me as she grew up - how often she would think of my words when faced with difficult choices. And she wanted to thank me for everything I'd done for her back then.
One, I was thrilled to hear how much she'd done for herself - and how good a life she'd made for herself. But, I also was touched that back when I was still pretty new to this - and much younger myself - she thought I did right by her. That's rewarding.
But, on to the Friday Fun. I wanted to tell you about one of my best moments of doing this job.
A few years back, I got a call from one of the first clients with whom I ever worked. Back then, she was a teen who was dealing with the aftermath of reporting the sexual abuse she'd suffered since she was a toddler. Because it was a family case, there were people around her taking sides - some she had assumed would stand by her ended up speaking out against her. It was a difficult time for her. I would see her often through the health clinic at her school.
But, time goes by -- and people grow up. She now is all grown up, lives in another state, and works with sexually abused children. She is married and when she called, was expecting her first child.
She called to tell me that she wanted me to know how often she thought of me as she grew up - how often she would think of my words when faced with difficult choices. And she wanted to thank me for everything I'd done for her back then.
One, I was thrilled to hear how much she'd done for herself - and how good a life she'd made for herself. But, I also was touched that back when I was still pretty new to this - and much younger myself - she thought I did right by her. That's rewarding.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Many years ago, before we knew any better, I would spend days in middle schools giving the 20 minute talk about saying no and telling an adult to groups of 5th and 6th graders. (We now know that the one time, 20 minute talk doesn't help build any skills and actually may lead child victims to believe they should try to physically defend themselves against adults and thus risk be injured more.)
Anyway - there was one particular day I wasn't the staff person scheduled to do a day of these talks - but the staffer called in sick. I barely remember the day because all the talks were such a blur.
A few weeks later, we were called to attend to a victim in the ER. She was a middle school aged girl. When I walked into the exam room, the child twisted her head around to see who walked in . . . and smiled big and said "I hoped they'd send you."
She had been in one of those classes I'd spoken to several weeks before. She heard me say that adults who prey on kids often assume that the kids don't understand what's going on - and they take advantage of that. They also don't want the kids to tell anyone because they know they could go to jail for their actions.
After my talk, this child's mother's boyfriend approached her one day afterschool. He said several things to her -- and she realized that he wanted to sexually abuse her. Remembering my talk, she confronted him by telling him that they'd talked about this in school and that he wasn't suppose to do things like this. And, she told him that she was going to tell her mother as soon as she got home from work.
In this case it worked. The boyfriend got scared and ran off. The moment the mom came home, the kid told her what happened. The mother called the police, the police suggested the ER just as a precaution, and the child was great because she knew she'd stood up for herself. The guy was caught, and plead guilty to indecent liberties and attempted sexual assault.
And, it was one of the best moments for me - to know that my words made that kind of impact on one kid.
Anyway - there was one particular day I wasn't the staff person scheduled to do a day of these talks - but the staffer called in sick. I barely remember the day because all the talks were such a blur.
A few weeks later, we were called to attend to a victim in the ER. She was a middle school aged girl. When I walked into the exam room, the child twisted her head around to see who walked in . . . and smiled big and said "I hoped they'd send you."
She had been in one of those classes I'd spoken to several weeks before. She heard me say that adults who prey on kids often assume that the kids don't understand what's going on - and they take advantage of that. They also don't want the kids to tell anyone because they know they could go to jail for their actions.
After my talk, this child's mother's boyfriend approached her one day afterschool. He said several things to her -- and she realized that he wanted to sexually abuse her. Remembering my talk, she confronted him by telling him that they'd talked about this in school and that he wasn't suppose to do things like this. And, she told him that she was going to tell her mother as soon as she got home from work.
In this case it worked. The boyfriend got scared and ran off. The moment the mom came home, the kid told her what happened. The mother called the police, the police suggested the ER just as a precaution, and the child was great because she knew she'd stood up for herself. The guy was caught, and plead guilty to indecent liberties and attempted sexual assault.
And, it was one of the best moments for me - to know that my words made that kind of impact on one kid.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
This happened many many years ago. But, I still marvel at it.
We had a regular caller who would never give her real name. The name she made up for herself was a body part - a non-sexual body part. I'm going to call her "Nose" just for ease.
I suspected that Nose had some development issues, and thus we were particularly careful with her. Also, although I'm not trained as a social worker per se, I have taken both undergraduate as well as graduate level social work courses and have a basic understanding of the history of social work as a lifestyle choice as well as some of the basic tenets.
One of the values of social work I greatly appreciate is that of "self determination of the client." Also, I firmly believe that when someone is engaging in dangerous behaviors (prostitution, drug use, cutting, random sex, etc) that a more effective approach is to help them understand what they believe they are getting out of the behavior and what the harms - potential and existing - are and steps that can be taken to get what the client wants and needs from healthier behaviors. (did that make any sense?)
Anyway, Nose was engaging in regular, unprotected sex with a man she described as being quite a bit older than her. She said that she didn't know his actual name but a nick name - and for the sake of ease, I'm going to refer to him as the "Fuller Brush Man" -- he wasn't a salesman, but he seemed to make regular visits into Nose's neighborhood. Essentially, what she described to me was him showing up once or twice a month when he seemed to know her mother would be away - and they would have intercourse, and he would leave.
Rather than tell this client she "Couldn't" continue this - I started to talk to her about protecting herself from the risks -- such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Nose quickly informed me that she didn't think she could get pregnant. She was in her 30s, had been having sex since she was a teen, and had never gotten pregnant despite never using birth control. I pointed out that even if she'd never been pregnant up until now, didn't necessarily guarantee she couldn't get pregnant. She sighed and repeated that she COULD NOT GET PREGNANT. I asked her why she believed this.
She sighed the sigh you give when you are dumbing down your statements for those too stupid to get it the first twenty times, and said "you know how women have eggs? well, I've never laid an egg. So, I can't get pregnant."
While trying to wrap my brain around these statements, I learned that she believed that when other women were having their periods, they were actually laying eggs. Like chicken eggs. She said that she only bled but she'd never seen an egg.
I had to try to convince her that the eggs human women have are very very tiny and she' isn't going to see them. I'm not sure I convinced her. But, I also never heard from her again either -- so I don't know if she decided I was too stupid to talk to or if I'd rocked her world with this information.
We had a regular caller who would never give her real name. The name she made up for herself was a body part - a non-sexual body part. I'm going to call her "Nose" just for ease.
I suspected that Nose had some development issues, and thus we were particularly careful with her. Also, although I'm not trained as a social worker per se, I have taken both undergraduate as well as graduate level social work courses and have a basic understanding of the history of social work as a lifestyle choice as well as some of the basic tenets.
One of the values of social work I greatly appreciate is that of "self determination of the client." Also, I firmly believe that when someone is engaging in dangerous behaviors (prostitution, drug use, cutting, random sex, etc) that a more effective approach is to help them understand what they believe they are getting out of the behavior and what the harms - potential and existing - are and steps that can be taken to get what the client wants and needs from healthier behaviors. (did that make any sense?)
Anyway, Nose was engaging in regular, unprotected sex with a man she described as being quite a bit older than her. She said that she didn't know his actual name but a nick name - and for the sake of ease, I'm going to refer to him as the "Fuller Brush Man" -- he wasn't a salesman, but he seemed to make regular visits into Nose's neighborhood. Essentially, what she described to me was him showing up once or twice a month when he seemed to know her mother would be away - and they would have intercourse, and he would leave.
Rather than tell this client she "Couldn't" continue this - I started to talk to her about protecting herself from the risks -- such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Nose quickly informed me that she didn't think she could get pregnant. She was in her 30s, had been having sex since she was a teen, and had never gotten pregnant despite never using birth control. I pointed out that even if she'd never been pregnant up until now, didn't necessarily guarantee she couldn't get pregnant. She sighed and repeated that she COULD NOT GET PREGNANT. I asked her why she believed this.
She sighed the sigh you give when you are dumbing down your statements for those too stupid to get it the first twenty times, and said "you know how women have eggs? well, I've never laid an egg. So, I can't get pregnant."
While trying to wrap my brain around these statements, I learned that she believed that when other women were having their periods, they were actually laying eggs. Like chicken eggs. She said that she only bled but she'd never seen an egg.
I had to try to convince her that the eggs human women have are very very tiny and she' isn't going to see them. I'm not sure I convinced her. But, I also never heard from her again either -- so I don't know if she decided I was too stupid to talk to or if I'd rocked her world with this information.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Many years ago - probably in the 90s - well, I know in the 90s - a client who was a regular crisis line caller phoned up in a tizzy. She was pretty worked up about something she'd seen on television.
After finally calming her down enough to make sense of what she was saying, she told me that I needed to know that we were just wasting time and money by having this crisis line. Naturally, I wanted to know why she'd come to this conclusion - especially since she'd been so fond of calling us.
She explained that she'd been watching the noon news while feeding her baby - and she'd caught part of a story - apparently, scientists had cloned dinosaurs from fossils, and then the dinosaurs had escaped and "NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
I suggested that what she'd actually seen was a bit about a new, fictional movie that was coming out. She sighed heavily - like you do when someone is so stupid it isn't worth your time to correct them, and hung up on me.
She did continue to call back to the crisis line - and never mentioned our impending doom again.
After finally calming her down enough to make sense of what she was saying, she told me that I needed to know that we were just wasting time and money by having this crisis line. Naturally, I wanted to know why she'd come to this conclusion - especially since she'd been so fond of calling us.
She explained that she'd been watching the noon news while feeding her baby - and she'd caught part of a story - apparently, scientists had cloned dinosaurs from fossils, and then the dinosaurs had escaped and "NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
I suggested that what she'd actually seen was a bit about a new, fictional movie that was coming out. She sighed heavily - like you do when someone is so stupid it isn't worth your time to correct them, and hung up on me.
She did continue to call back to the crisis line - and never mentioned our impending doom again.
Friday, June 29, 2007
There have been some laughs
Today, the phone company guy was working in our office. I was having a conversation with a fellow worker when he emerged from the storage room to hear this tidbit "yeah, there would be no sex going on that night."
He had to visibly recompose himself before updating us on his progress. Rather than be embarrassed, I figured that anyone who walks into a sexual assault service agency outta expect to hear a few things they don't normally hear.
But, that got me thinking about they lighter moments with clients.
Once, I was assisting a woman in her 80s who had been raped by an intruder in her home. She was very petite and feisty. We were progressing along with the form in which the victim is asked to give details about the assault so that the nurse and doctor can look in the appropriate places for evidence. The nurse looked at me with dread in her eyes. I knew exactly which question was next. I turned to my client and asked as sweetly as possible (I was in my mid-twenties at the time) "we need to know when was the last time you had sex before this assault?" The client popped up on the examination table and smiled and said "My Birthday, 1964." In response to our rather stunned silence, she turned to face me and said "my husband died the next year." And she wasn't a bit ashamed or embarrassed.
Another time, more recently, I had a young woman (I'm now a 30-something and can pull off the "adult authority" act more convincingly) who had been raped by a man she'd sought to buy drugs from. This isn't that uncommon. Women who use drugs are especially vulnerable. Drug dealers assume that they wouldn't dare report it because they'd have to admit what they'd done too. (For those of you who want to frown and think "tsk tsk" - imagine how you'd feel if you agreed to pay the neighbor child $25 to mow your lawn - and then were forced to perform oral sex after paying up?) Anyway, this young woman was in pretty sad shape. She clearly had put herself through the wringer. She kept falling asleep while we were asking her the necessary questions. I suspected she was "playing 'possum." I noticed she had a rubber band on her wrist. So, when she'd "fall asleep" on us, I started reaching over and giving the band a bit of a snap. It worked several times. Then, she looked in my eyes, and said "you're harshing my buzz."
There are lots of stories - but I'll just tell one more - and save others for another time.
Years ago, we had a woman who called several times a day. Often to rant about the subjects of various talk shows. We finally had to put limits on when she could call us. (Feeling upset about her own sexual abuse okay -- feeling upset about the Montel show, not okay.) Anyway, one day she was told me that her sister had been abducted many times by aliens, and she even had an alien baby. (I couldn't help but think - man, that must be one ugly kid.) Then, without even taking a breath - she said "and I never get to go anywhere." I couldn't stop myself before I said "maybe you should hang out with your sister more." She got very upset with me and chided me for not taking the abduction by aliens and alien babies more seriously. I know, my bad. Especially since I've recently read that 4 million Americans believe they have been abducted and molested by aliens. That's roughly half the population of the state I live in.
He had to visibly recompose himself before updating us on his progress. Rather than be embarrassed, I figured that anyone who walks into a sexual assault service agency outta expect to hear a few things they don't normally hear.
But, that got me thinking about they lighter moments with clients.
Once, I was assisting a woman in her 80s who had been raped by an intruder in her home. She was very petite and feisty. We were progressing along with the form in which the victim is asked to give details about the assault so that the nurse and doctor can look in the appropriate places for evidence. The nurse looked at me with dread in her eyes. I knew exactly which question was next. I turned to my client and asked as sweetly as possible (I was in my mid-twenties at the time) "we need to know when was the last time you had sex before this assault?" The client popped up on the examination table and smiled and said "My Birthday, 1964." In response to our rather stunned silence, she turned to face me and said "my husband died the next year." And she wasn't a bit ashamed or embarrassed.
Another time, more recently, I had a young woman (I'm now a 30-something and can pull off the "adult authority" act more convincingly) who had been raped by a man she'd sought to buy drugs from. This isn't that uncommon. Women who use drugs are especially vulnerable. Drug dealers assume that they wouldn't dare report it because they'd have to admit what they'd done too. (For those of you who want to frown and think "tsk tsk" - imagine how you'd feel if you agreed to pay the neighbor child $25 to mow your lawn - and then were forced to perform oral sex after paying up?) Anyway, this young woman was in pretty sad shape. She clearly had put herself through the wringer. She kept falling asleep while we were asking her the necessary questions. I suspected she was "playing 'possum." I noticed she had a rubber band on her wrist. So, when she'd "fall asleep" on us, I started reaching over and giving the band a bit of a snap. It worked several times. Then, she looked in my eyes, and said "you're harshing my buzz."
There are lots of stories - but I'll just tell one more - and save others for another time.
Years ago, we had a woman who called several times a day. Often to rant about the subjects of various talk shows. We finally had to put limits on when she could call us. (Feeling upset about her own sexual abuse okay -- feeling upset about the Montel show, not okay.) Anyway, one day she was told me that her sister had been abducted many times by aliens, and she even had an alien baby. (I couldn't help but think - man, that must be one ugly kid.) Then, without even taking a breath - she said "and I never get to go anywhere." I couldn't stop myself before I said "maybe you should hang out with your sister more." She got very upset with me and chided me for not taking the abduction by aliens and alien babies more seriously. I know, my bad. Especially since I've recently read that 4 million Americans believe they have been abducted and molested by aliens. That's roughly half the population of the state I live in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
