Fall out

I'm concerned what the ruling in the Texas polygamy case is going to do to child protective services all over the country.

The OJ Simpson case taught law enforcement to be more cautious about arresting quickly. Especially just after the case . . . and the televised lashing handed out to police in that trial . . . I saw law enforcement worry about building an "air tight" case before arresting suspects. The problem is that sometimes, that would take weeks, and victims were left feeling unheard and scared for their lives.

The Duke case has made law enforcement a bit skittish if the victim isn't a "good victim" . . . meaning someone with a record so clean they could run for public office.

Now, seeing the state of Texas claim that the children on the ranch weren't in "immediate danger" and that the rescuing of those children invalid . . . I'm afraid that it will be even harder for children across the country to be rescued.

I don't see how the state of Texas had any choice . . . given the information they had . . . but to take those children. Most states are mandated to protect the children in their state from abuse . . . emotional, physical, sexual, and abandonment. In any state in the country, if Child Protective Services received a call from a teen ager saying she'd been forced into a marriage, forced to bear children, and was being physically abused . . . they would have to intervene. In my state, we first try to get a non-offending parent to take responsibility for the child's safety. Meaning, boot the offender out . . . prevent further abuses, and tend to the child's healing. If the non-offending parent is unavailable or unable or unwilling to take on that responsibility, then the state must, at least temporarily, take custody of the child.

I'm afraid that this case being over turned is going to have ripple effects across the nation . . . and that the people who will suffer are children in the most desperate of circumstances.

Missed the point

The other day a friend told me of her child's latest fear. The night before, as they were wrapping up the sleepy time ritual, the child became terrified. She didn't want her mother to leave her side. She tearfully explained that she was afraid someone would take her, put her in a cave, and give her bad lollipops.

My friend was at a loss. She ended up holding her child's hand until well after 1am when the child finally went to sleep.

I asked if "stranger danger" had been presented at pre-school. The mother said it had. Clearly, there is a line between teaching children caution and scaring the ever-loving crap out of them.

For pre-school aged children, I would have suggested that the school meet with all the parents and present a program of information about the realities of child safety with a discussion about steps parents can take to better supervise, select better baby sitters, and be more proactive in the overall safety of their children. If a program were presented to children, I would have wanted it to be more empowering and up beat . . . for 3 year olds.

This event followed on the heels of a story a client told me about her church's program on child abuse. She said that they showed all the women in the church a video. In the video the man she described as the "bishop" explained to the women that they way they could insure that their men not sexually abuse their baby girls was for mothers to never allow fathers to change diapers. Apparently, simply viewing a baby's genitals during a routine diaper change is enough to make any man lose all control over their passions.

Somewhere along the line, we are missing the point.

Annoyance

While doing the daily scan for headlines concerning sexual violence issues, I found a story about an international hunt for a suspected child rapist. The man in question was arrested, and admits to having traveled to a third world country for the purpose of having sex with young boys. A search of his home turned up 1,000 sexually explicit photos of children and little boy underpants, including at least one pair the suspect described as being a souvenir from his "date" over seas.



But, it gets better . . . this guy made his living entertaining at children's parties and playing santa.

My annoyance comes in from the neighbors and acquaintances quoted in the story about the arrest . . . and I see this sort of thing all the time locally. They all say that he was a wonderful guy and the best santa ever and that he never molested their children so they can't believe these charges are true.

When people express sentiments like this . . . they are working several things at once. They want to reassure themselves that their children weren't victimized and they are trying to wrap their brains around the fact they didn't spot the pervert from 100 yards. But, saying things like this can work to silence victims and their families as well as legitimize the deviant behaviors practiced by people like this guy.

Boundaries

One of the requirements of any type of social work is to have boundaries. I have maintained that doing this sort of work is a life style choice rather than just a job. At the same time, that also means there is a fine line between being available when needed and having no boundaries.

At the same time, I will admit that I am probably harder on student interns than any other group I work with. When my agency accepts an intern, we put a lot of work into that internship. Our whole staff has to make room for helping the student have the most valuable learning experience. Students who are seeking a direct service experience must complete volunteer training before their internship semester. We also require that interns be on call during the work week during their internship semester. We do this because it is the one way we can insure that they get several opportunities to respond to ER calls. But, there are also some pretty significant responsibilities that come with this sort of work. I have to be confident that anyone representing our agency can live up to the responsibilities.

The point to all this was to wind up to a rant. Recently, I received a call from a college student seeking an internship opportunity. She called outside normal business hours. When I responded to the message on my pager, I called back and left a message that I would be in the office the next day and stressed the business hours of our office. I thought that would be hint enough.

But, within 10 minutes, she called me back by hitting redial with her caller ID. This meant that she called my home back. I explained that she'd called my home, that my message clearly asked her to call the office during office hours, and that it was inappropriate for her to call me back at home this way.

Well, several days later, and she has not called back. I have to say, it's a good thing . . . she wouldn't have gotten an internship with us anyway. I am a stickler for following simple instructions. And, I expect students to conduct themselves professionally . . . especially since they are practicing skills they will need once they start doing this work for pay.

BOO, HISS

One of the top reasons victims say they decide not to report a sex crime is because they fear everyone finding out. And, in "everyone" finding out . . . they fear the reactions they will be forced to face. The disbelief . . . the stupid questions . . . the taking sides . . . or even more violence.

My office is vigilant to keep an eye on the crime reports in our local paper . . . should they give too much detail. And, more than once, we have reacted to help our local paper better walk the line between reporting news and being sensitive to victims.

So, imagine my annoyance when I read that the gossip mongers TMZ have published a story in which they name a sex crime victim. They name the victim because apparently, he is the son of someone famous. The victim isn't famous beyond his parentage.

There are a variety of problems with this . . . one, more and more I see "mainstream" media reporting the stories that TMZ has reported . . . and used the logic that since TMZ has already named names . . . it is okay for them to do it too. Also, this sort of exposure leaves the victim and his family open to all kinds of nut jobs and wackos thinking that they now have a say or a stake in the story. At a time when the family needs healing and good assistance . . . they will find themselves hounded by relentless photographers. And lastly, especially with my younger clients . . . sometimes people out in the various communities don't understand the differences between media reports and what happens in their own communities. I wonder how many teenagers are now going to be afraid to come forward and ask for assistance because they see a victim's face being smeared all over the internet and television?

TMZ was irresponsible and mean. And, their actions will have a ripple effect across many many communities. Thanks a hell of a lot, TMZ.

Another thing

I like to joke in my office that I'm "slow on the uptake" sometimes. It's because I often think of the issue that is at the heart of the matter sometime later. I take comfort in knowing that I do consider issues beyond the initial conversation . . . and I'm not at all bothered by the fact that it often takes some reflection to really take in the whole situation.

Initially Miley Cyrus said that she was pleased with the artistic nature of the photos and thought they were good. After the media firestorm started swirling, she gave an interview that contained a prepared statement saying that she is now embarrassed over the pictures.

First of all, it sounds a bit canned. I suspect that the embarrassment is really more an issue of being in the Disney stable. Second, why haven't her parents or manager come to the public and made a statement about their own involvement and approval and response? I find it disturbing that when this child is being chided publicly for a photo shoot that she was involved in . . . but certainly not alone . . . that the responsible adults involved had turned tail and allowed a child to take the brunt of the fall out.

If we are upset because she's a child being portrayed in an adult way . . . we should be even more upset that she is now expected to step up and be the adult in the face of a negative response.

Exploitation

By now, there has been much public attention focused on the picture(s) of Miley Cyrus in the magazine Vanity Fair. In the photo made public in the media, the 15 year old starlet is seen naked, with a satin sheet wrapped around her, she is looking directly into the camera over her shoulder, and her hair is mussed as if she is just getting up from sex. The expression and gaze are sophisticated and hint at sexual knowledge and experience. You have the youthful round face of someone not yet an adult contrasted with the very adult setting, nudity, and sexuality.

My first thought was "didn't Britney Spears appear in a photo with similar sexual overtones?"

I am concerned that profit is being made from marketing this young woman's sexuality. By publishing this photo, the magazine is furthering the acceptance of the notion that children are valid objects for sexualization. Printing such sexualized photos grants the faceless consumer sexual access to a child. And, although this young woman was paid for the picture, she was paid only a fraction of the money others will make from the photos . . . and this is coming really close to fitting the definition of trafficking.

I am distressed at the many many shows and media outlets that tell young women that if they are willing to take their clothes off, or pose for sexualized photos, or grant people sexual access to their bodies . . . that they too can be living the lifestyles of the rich and infamous. We have "celebrities" who became celebrities because they made sex tapes that became public. We have the whole "girls gone wild" phenomena. There are prostituted women who are seen as glamorous and savvy because the men who hire them pay thousands of dollars rather than a few. We have the recasting of strip clubs as "gentlemen's clubs."

Taken in their totality, it seems that we are moving backwards as a culture.

FMG, American Style

While flipping through news websites last Friday afternoon, I came across a bit that some actress had quipped that she'd recently had "vaginal rejuvenation surgery" and was back on the dating market.

Intrigued, my co-workers and I discussed what this surgery would be . . . and then looked it up on the web. We found an article from the New York Times. The article explained that this surgery might include removal of parts of the labia, or tightening of vaginal muscles, or in some rare cases a reconstruction of a hymen.

The article went on to explain that some women have a labia that is slightly larger than "normal" and that having excess labia might interfere with wearing tight pants or riding a bike. (no, seriously) We aren't talking about people who have serious malformations. We are talking about normal functioning women who didn't "realize" that they had less than delicate genitals until they had an opportunity to compare themselves to women in porn.

One woman said that her labia was nearly 1/2 an inch too big and that it caused her no end of embarrassment. Other women said that they wanted the surgery to appear or be more sexually desirable to the man/men in their lives.

First of all . . . I imagine that only in the united states do we have the money and leisure to throw towards such unnecessary surgery. Second of all, as a friend of mine says from time to time, makes me sad in my heart that our society has so ingrained in women the ideal of "perfect beauty" that they would risk losing all sexual sensation (from nerve damage/loss of nerve tissue from such a surgery) in order to meet some distorted notion of "pretty." Thirdly, aren't we fighting against this exact sort of ignorance in some third world countries? Isn't the justification for FMG in those cultures that removal of labial tissues make a woman more desirable for a man? Isn't recreation of a hymen playing into exactly the justification these other cultures have for sewing women up over and over and over again?

Sad in my heart.

Put your money where your heart is. . .

One of the many cool aspects of the conference on sex trafficking I attended recently was the tote bags we were given as part of our conference materials.

They are Freeset Bags . . . and are made in India by a woman who had been trafficked. The women who make these bags are afforded a living wage and decent work hours.

The bags are lovely, have a great story behind them, and offer the carriers the opportunity to make a public statement against the world's oldest form of oppression.

So much

Last week, I attended an international conference on sex trafficking. It was intense, and I'm still trying to wind down from it all . . . and the traveling.

Millions of women and children are trafficked across the world for the purpose of modern day slavery . . . whether for domestic services or sexual slavery or involuntary organ donation. All too often, local law enforcement see the women and children who are trafficked for sexual slavery as willing participants or criminals . . . not as disenfranchised persons who are in the most need of compassion and assistance.

You'll hear more about this later.

But, the question of the day . . . would you wear a t-shirt that proclaimed that you'd been raped?

I have mixed feelings. So many of the women I see are terrified of our community finding out about their rape . . . because the stigma is still so great. I also worry that the scary, violent, or ignorant people on the planet would use such a declaration as an invitation to inflict meanness.

But, I can also see that someone who has healed, and who does want to take an activist stand, would find wearing such a shirt empowering. I understand the argument that we perpetuate the shame and stigma by operating in secrecy for our clients. (For the record, I believe that clients should determine when and to whom they disclose their victimization . . . and until they choose that for themselves, I will respect their right to privacy.)

Secondary victims

When our agency serves primary victims of sexual violence . . . meaning the people the violence actually happened to . . . we are also on the lookout for secondary victims who may need help. A secondary victim, as you may have guessed, is a family member, roommate, or good friend/partner of the primary victim.

When we work with Moms . . . often I see a delayed emotional reaction. Moms tend to move themselves into a mode of being the caregiver . . . the person handling the details of medical care and interacting with law enforcement, the courts, and support agencies. I warn Moms that they may find that once the primary victim starts to function more normally, then they may relax to the point where they experience their own emotional response.

When I work with roommates, we talk about fear . . . and the need to balance their own desire to be supportive but also taking care of themselves.

It goes on . . . over the years we have seen trends in how people react . . . based on their own position and personalities.

I was recently in the ER with a young woman. She was with her mother and sister. She was very open to assistance and seemed to have very good support from her family. She was not interested in reporting the crime to law enforcement. She could articulate why she was making this decision . . . and had a pretty clear idea what she did want as well.

I could see from her mother's reactions that mom didn't really agree. I think the mother was hoping I would have some magic words to reverse her adult daughter's decision. There was a quiet moment when I could talk to the mom on her own. I explained that it was important that her daughter be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself . . . that the perpetrator had taken the right to make decisions away from her daughter and that she would "heal" better, faster if we could restore decision making back to her, even if we don't agree with those decisions. The expression on the mom's face told me that she understood, and ultimately wanted what was best for her daughter. And, I could see that the mom was relieved that her concerns had been understood too.

SAAM

Years ago, a friend who does this work in another community was expecting a baby. The baby was due in April, and we learned it was a girl. For months, we begged and teased the mother-to-be that she should name her daughter Sam.

SAAM (pronounced Sam) is Sexual Assault Awareness Month . . . or as we in the business think of it "April."

Every year, it is a challenge to plan new and exciting activities and events to capture the attention and interest of people in our community. This year, we have given ourselves an extra challenge of creating not just Awareness activities, but activities that will engage people and hopefully inspire them to work with us for longer term change.

This year, our focus population is college aged men. We have a week of activities on the local college campus planned to bring men to the table, peak their interest, and then sign them up to be mentors as well as help us petition the college to strengthen the language in the school's sexual assault policy.

We are hosting a "Dorm Storm" . . . and are lucky enough to have a frat that will go into all the men's dorms and put up posters and create a scene so that students are drawn to the action. We will be having a "white ribbon" campaign . . . asking men to sign a pledge that they will not condone, commit, or remain silent about sexual violence. All of the campus police will tie white ribbons to their vehicles in support of this activity. And, we have t-shirts that were designed by a student group we will be distributing to men on campus . . . and encouraging them to wear them to the spring football scrimmage for fun and prizes.

Our hope is that we will shift the thinking about sexual violence from "it's a girl thing" to "it's a problem for women, but an issue for men."

Non-profit world vs. corporate world

One of our co-workers is working through a family emergency right now. A grandparent is dying. The grandparent has been ill for some time, but has move down hill rapidly this week. I expect there will be a funeral early next week to attend.

As it would happen, next week is one of the busiest weeks on our calendars. A major fundraising campaign is ending next week, a major progress report is due, Sexual Assault Awareness Month kicks off with a week of activities, and I will be gone half the week attending a conference. Months of planning and work have gone into many of the activities planned for next week.

But, in non-profit world, especially crisis work non-profit world, we do this everyday.

With a couple well placed phone calls and emails . . . we have shifted coverage for all the activities and everything is moving smoothly.

Thats just what we do in non-profit crisis response world.

Quote of the week

Last week, one of our workers spoke to a women's civic group. You know, the nice older ladies who plant gardens and make sure local libraries have books.



Anyway, one of the nice older ladies said that her grandchild had come home from school the other day and said to her . . . with all seriousness . . .



Grammy Anita (name changed to protect the innocent), don't you ever let anyone touch your testicles."

She assured him that she would never let anyone touch her testicles.

Earning my keep

I know I've not written an entry in a while. My writing efforts are directed at grant season. My agency is a small, grassroots type organization. We aren't one of those large, foundation based organizations. So, each year, I have to write grants to keep our doors open and staff paid.

My husband teaches, and about this time of year starts getting term papers. I love the many, many reasons students have for not getting their papers written and/or turned in on time. In turn, my husband tells his students about how someday, keeping their jobs may depend upon getting a "term paper" in on time.

Imagine this, if you will. You spend all year doing your job. Getting up in the middle of the night to the blaring of the pager. You attend endless meetings. You generate reports and reports and reports. Then, as if none of that matters, you must reapply for your funding. You must generate an "application" that looks into not just what you accomplished in the past year, but what you promise to accomplish in the coming year. You answer specific questions in limited space. You generate attachments. You chase down board members to sign the application, and assurances you don't discriminate or send your money to terrorists.

There is an art to estimating what you can accomplish in the coming year . . . as well as how much money you will spend. You want to appear to be moving forward without promising to deliver the impossible. At the same time, you want to have reasonable expenses but you don't want to find yourself out of funds before the end of the year. At the same time, how do you estimate how many miles, exactly, you and your staff will travel each week a year from now? And how do you estimate how much you will pay for utilities a year from now?

Then, once you finish the application and double check each page to make sure you don't have glaring errors or gaps. Then, you make copies. The last grant I submitted was 105 pages long and required 13 copies, 3 hole punched. (And, I have one of the smaller grants submitted to this funder because I have only one program I for which I request funds.)

With some grants, a committee reviews what you have submitted. I have found that often the people who serve on these committees may or may not have a personal agenda. Other times, some of the people who serve on these committees don't have specific understanding of what victim service agencies do on a day to day basis. I've had committees ask me why don't we just lobby for women to have a curfew to keep them safe. One year, I had a committee come back and ask why we don't spend equal resources on male victims as female. Let's see . . . last year we had a total of 367 people served . . . of which 20 were male. Say we had a budget of $100,000. I don't see spending $50,000 on 20 victims and $50,000.00 on the other 347 victims.

Because I take seriously my responsibility to be a good steward of public funds, I get really annoyed when other non-profits abuse their funds. Every time a non-profit leader misuses, steals, or fudges their funds . . . all non-profits become objects of suspicion.

Also, it is a lot of pressure to know that other people are counting on me to do a good job on the grants so that they can keep their jobs, possibly get a little raise.

And, I really dislike feeling like I have to compete with other non-profits to keep our doors open. I struggle to walk the fine line between promoting how really good my agency is and not running down other agencies doing this work.