Anyone

The other night, my husband told me about a sexual assault story he'd seen on CNN. It involved three university football players who were held, robbed, and sexually assaulted by some people they'd met in a bar and invited back to their home.

My husband was amazed that three big guys could be taken advantage of so easily. I reminded him that a case like this one should serve as reminder that ANYONE is vulnerable to sexual violence. I suspect that big guys may operate under a false sense of security . . . believing that "only" women, or "weak" men could be vulnerable. The fact is, if someone wants to commit a crime, they will find a way to do it.

But, this crime ought to also serve as an opportunity for people to examine their attitudes and beliefs about sexual violence. The media is treating this case as if there were no question these three men were victims. I wonder if it would have even been deemed news worthy if the victims had been all women. The three victims were somewhat intoxicated . . . which made them easier targets for criminals. However, if this case involved intoxicated women as victims . . . how differently would we think of the case? Would we secretly think that the women were at least "partially" to blame for being drunk and not showing the best judgement?

I saw that at least one of the defendants is out on bail. I'm wondering how it is that she even got bail. It would seem to me that acting in concert with others to commit what our justice system deems one of the most serious crimes ought to have merited staying in jail while awaiting trial.

Refreshing

I have mentally been working up a post about this bizarre notion some men and women have about the physiology of male sexuality and their need/right to have sex whenever the mood strikes them. And, I was going to point out several cases, but most notably the one being investigated now with the New Jersey State Troopers. Frankly, I'd like to maintain my naive notion that COPS are smart enough to realize that if you have group sex with a intoxicated college student you JUST met, it likely isn't going to end well for you.

But, then something happened the other day that kinda restored my faith in people. Well, actually two things.

The first was a conversation I had with a board member. She was telling me about how really really nice her 16 year old daughter is. I found it particularly refreshing because so many moms of 16 year old girls are pulling their hair out and complaining about their kids. She was telling me of a family friend who is very ill with cancer. And my board member's daughter came to her mom and asked if she could go spend a few days at this woman's home to help her get it cleaned up for the holidays. She said she realized that with the illness, she wouldn't have the strength to make her home warm for the holidays, and that it must make her sad to be so limited. My board member panicked because the child wanted to go do this mission of sweetness on a day my board member was planning a surprise birthday party for her child. And, even nicer, the child gave no thought to the fact that her birthday would fall during this trip, or that she might expect a party.

Then, today, we had a meeting with a girl who is a senior in high school who has created a "teens against peer pressure" service group at her school. She explained that she was dismayed to see so many of her friends start drinking, using drugs, and experimenting with sex. She saw her friends drop out of normal activities or get in trouble or grades drop, what have you. When she created the group, she invited a large group to her home for a "party" and then had a video about peer pressure and explained what she wanted to do. Apparently, once the kids got over being tricked, they actually joined up with her. They invite speakers to discuss various topics and they are in the hunt for service projects they can do throughout our community. Now how wonderful is that?

It's refreshing to see such great examples of kids being strong, and taking the initiative to make their world a better place when so often our society is so willing to cast all young people as lazy, dumb, or not worth the effort.

Happy Holidays, Y'all.

Friday Fun: telling on myself

No client story this Friday, rather a little glimpse into our office.

When I tell people what it is I do with my life/for a living, the most common response is something along the lines of awe that I have the stomach for all that bad stuff. Heck, even other people who are in this business are a tad suspicious that I just might lose my head one day from doing this work for so long.

One of the survival secrets is to have a common enemy. Currently, the common enemy for the folks in my office is another human service agency. I won't name them, because all in all, they do good work. It's the personalities of their employees and the group competitiveness with us that makes them targets for the less than charitable comments we make in the privacy of our office. Oh, and they are fairly insensitive to the schedules of other agencies. They have this notion that their work is more important than any work done by any other organization in our community.

Unfortunately for me, in order to fully serve our clients, I have to work closely with this group. Most recently, the scheduled a community task force meeting for immediately after Christmas . . . and on a day most of the service providing agencies had planned to take as part of the holiday break. (We have a nice list of volunteers who are running the crisis line, but the office staff is on break.)

So, our snarkiness takes the form of thinking up fantasy ideas for playing with these people. This morning, we came up with acting like we are very formal in the office and refer to each by Ms (last name) and maybe even slip and use a first name and then immediately act as if we might get in trouble. There are also scenarios for giving information about each other without elaborating. When I expressed to their director that the task force meeting was inconvenient to people who wished to spend the holidays with family that weren't local, she suggested I send a lower ranking employee.

I'm going to the meeting, and if they ask why I just didn't send the employee. . . . I'm to explain that she is spending the first christmas with her father in nearly 20 years. Our hope is that they will ask why, and I can act as if we don't share personal information in our office. (Anyone who knows me or our staff knows that we are really very casual and get along quite well and actually nearly read each other's thoughts.)

I know, not really funny to anyone who isn't involved. But, being snarky in the privacy of our office relieves stress and is harmless . . . . as long as we keep it in the office.

Just Like Home

As always, click on the title for the story link.

Australia is doing some soul searching after a horrendous rape case has come to light. The case centers around a 10 year old child who was gang raped by 9 teens and adults. And, that's not the shocking bit . . . the judge in the case didn't give the men involved prison time because she found that the child "probably agreed" to have sex. Never mind that she was too young to legally give consent in their system. Never mind that their justice system first became aware that she was being sexually abused at the age of seven and has mental disabilities. Never mind that the oldest person, and quite possibly the ringleader, was previously listed as a child predator in Australia.

What is interesting about this case, to me, is that until the case made it to the media, no one even bothered to care that there was a serious miscarriage of justice. The prosecution didn't appeal the sentence until after the media got the story . . . and well after the time limit for filing an appeal expired. Social workers, judges, pretty much everyone involved in the case is now doing the big scramble to cover their own asses.

Adding to the national soul searching is that this girl came from an indigenous community. And, from the article the issues faced by Australia's indigenous peoples sounds eerily like those faced by the American indigenous peoples. Abject poverty without investment in infrastructure to create opportunities, drug and alcohol abuses, and serious lack of access to the national justice system.

It's time that nations realize that all their citizens deserve equal protection . . . . not just to be paraded in native costume for cameras.

Epiphiany

I had a great thought today.

I've been involved in volunteer or social change work since I was 14 years old and well over 20 years of my life. I've been doing work around feminist causes nearly as long. I've been doing Rape Crisis work for almost 20 years.

Only rarely, in those years, have I thrown up my hands and wondered if I were on a fool's errand. Most of the time I can see that for the bad that people endure, there is also good in the volunteers who climb out of bed to take on a mission of mercy. I like to think that I've seen the very best that humanity can offer to each other.

In the past year, my agency has been undergoing a shift in how we do prevention work. We are now attempting to take a very focused, deliberate, and systematic approach to addressing the root causes of sexual violence and creating change along the whole of the social spectrum. Big words, eh? We want to prevent people from perpetrating rape rather than continue to tell potential victims how to make the next person a more likely target.

This afternoon, I was in conversation with a new board member about her interest in our agency. She related a conversation she'd had with her boss about wanting to make the community a safer place for her daughter to grow up in. And it hit me . . . . her daughter is 3 now. And in HER LIFE TIME, we actually could see an end to the problem of rape as we know it. It is a very real possibility.

So, what's the opposite of throwing up your hands in hopelessness?

Advocating

All too often, when assisting a client in the Emergency Room, I end up advocating for her claim to the medical and law enforcement staff. I think they have seen way too many wackos or drug seeking or attention seeking folks that they become jaded.

Child victims automatically get sympathy and the staff will do pretty much anything they can to assist. Teen victims often find themselves on either side of the coin . . . . depending upon the first story told. For example, one time one of our volunteers was greeted by a cop who opened with "she's 14, and she's already been pregnant once." The volunteer took the cop's statement to mean that it pretty much didn't matter what had happened to her, it wasn't going to be taken seriously because she was a "bad kid." And, adult victims need to fit a particular behavior pattern in order to be believed.

Recently, while in the ER, we were attending to a woman who was remarkable in her strength and independence. She'd been assaulted by a "date." She explained that for religious reasons she'd been celibate for several years and she was in the "get to know you phase" with the man in question. She described still being "in awe" that he would rape her. She also gave one of the best descriptions of defending herself I've ever heard. She was articulate and cooperative. She thought through her responses and was pleasant to the staff -- understanding that the discomfort wasn't really their fault. And, as I was waiting to see if her adult daughter had questions, a nurse asked me "what do you think?" The real question being "should I waste my time believing her?"

I know people think I'm hopeless for being so willing to believe what my clients tell me. But, we're even because I think they are hopeless because they are so willing to disbelieve everyone.

The Littlest Thing

One of the aspects of my job I have always appreciated is that I don't have the rules and constraints that folks who work for branches of government seem to be bound by. I have open opportunity to do that which needs to be done in order to get our clients the help they need, even when that help isn't EXACTLY my job.

For example, this morning I received a call from a woman in another community. She seemed at the end of her rope. And, she seemed to genuinely want to help herself. She couldn't find a support group that would address her specific needs. She tried calling an organization you would automatically think of in her situation only to find that their help line number had been disconnected.

She gave me a bit of a run down of her current situation and what help she wants. I feel like I did a good job of hearing her. I promised to scout around and see what I could find for her. I called agencies in her local area as well as resources at the state level.

Then, I made the most important phone call. I called her back to give her an update. I explained the agencies I'd called, their response, and that I expected that I'd be able to call her back soon to give her more information. There was genuine relief in her voice. That two minute phone call to up date her let her know she wasn't being regarded as a bother or another loser. She realized that her vulnerability to me was heard and responded to in an appropriate way. And, someone cared about her.

These are all the things we want our clients to experience from our services. We can't always give them a tangible result but we can let them know that they are important, that they were heard, and that they are cared for in our community.