Anyone

The other night, my husband told me about a sexual assault story he'd seen on CNN. It involved three university football players who were held, robbed, and sexually assaulted by some people they'd met in a bar and invited back to their home.

My husband was amazed that three big guys could be taken advantage of so easily. I reminded him that a case like this one should serve as reminder that ANYONE is vulnerable to sexual violence. I suspect that big guys may operate under a false sense of security . . . believing that "only" women, or "weak" men could be vulnerable. The fact is, if someone wants to commit a crime, they will find a way to do it.

But, this crime ought to also serve as an opportunity for people to examine their attitudes and beliefs about sexual violence. The media is treating this case as if there were no question these three men were victims. I wonder if it would have even been deemed news worthy if the victims had been all women. The three victims were somewhat intoxicated . . . which made them easier targets for criminals. However, if this case involved intoxicated women as victims . . . how differently would we think of the case? Would we secretly think that the women were at least "partially" to blame for being drunk and not showing the best judgement?

I saw that at least one of the defendants is out on bail. I'm wondering how it is that she even got bail. It would seem to me that acting in concert with others to commit what our justice system deems one of the most serious crimes ought to have merited staying in jail while awaiting trial.

Refreshing

I have mentally been working up a post about this bizarre notion some men and women have about the physiology of male sexuality and their need/right to have sex whenever the mood strikes them. And, I was going to point out several cases, but most notably the one being investigated now with the New Jersey State Troopers. Frankly, I'd like to maintain my naive notion that COPS are smart enough to realize that if you have group sex with a intoxicated college student you JUST met, it likely isn't going to end well for you.

But, then something happened the other day that kinda restored my faith in people. Well, actually two things.

The first was a conversation I had with a board member. She was telling me about how really really nice her 16 year old daughter is. I found it particularly refreshing because so many moms of 16 year old girls are pulling their hair out and complaining about their kids. She was telling me of a family friend who is very ill with cancer. And my board member's daughter came to her mom and asked if she could go spend a few days at this woman's home to help her get it cleaned up for the holidays. She said she realized that with the illness, she wouldn't have the strength to make her home warm for the holidays, and that it must make her sad to be so limited. My board member panicked because the child wanted to go do this mission of sweetness on a day my board member was planning a surprise birthday party for her child. And, even nicer, the child gave no thought to the fact that her birthday would fall during this trip, or that she might expect a party.

Then, today, we had a meeting with a girl who is a senior in high school who has created a "teens against peer pressure" service group at her school. She explained that she was dismayed to see so many of her friends start drinking, using drugs, and experimenting with sex. She saw her friends drop out of normal activities or get in trouble or grades drop, what have you. When she created the group, she invited a large group to her home for a "party" and then had a video about peer pressure and explained what she wanted to do. Apparently, once the kids got over being tricked, they actually joined up with her. They invite speakers to discuss various topics and they are in the hunt for service projects they can do throughout our community. Now how wonderful is that?

It's refreshing to see such great examples of kids being strong, and taking the initiative to make their world a better place when so often our society is so willing to cast all young people as lazy, dumb, or not worth the effort.

Happy Holidays, Y'all.

Friday Fun: telling on myself

No client story this Friday, rather a little glimpse into our office.

When I tell people what it is I do with my life/for a living, the most common response is something along the lines of awe that I have the stomach for all that bad stuff. Heck, even other people who are in this business are a tad suspicious that I just might lose my head one day from doing this work for so long.

One of the survival secrets is to have a common enemy. Currently, the common enemy for the folks in my office is another human service agency. I won't name them, because all in all, they do good work. It's the personalities of their employees and the group competitiveness with us that makes them targets for the less than charitable comments we make in the privacy of our office. Oh, and they are fairly insensitive to the schedules of other agencies. They have this notion that their work is more important than any work done by any other organization in our community.

Unfortunately for me, in order to fully serve our clients, I have to work closely with this group. Most recently, the scheduled a community task force meeting for immediately after Christmas . . . and on a day most of the service providing agencies had planned to take as part of the holiday break. (We have a nice list of volunteers who are running the crisis line, but the office staff is on break.)

So, our snarkiness takes the form of thinking up fantasy ideas for playing with these people. This morning, we came up with acting like we are very formal in the office and refer to each by Ms (last name) and maybe even slip and use a first name and then immediately act as if we might get in trouble. There are also scenarios for giving information about each other without elaborating. When I expressed to their director that the task force meeting was inconvenient to people who wished to spend the holidays with family that weren't local, she suggested I send a lower ranking employee.

I'm going to the meeting, and if they ask why I just didn't send the employee. . . . I'm to explain that she is spending the first christmas with her father in nearly 20 years. Our hope is that they will ask why, and I can act as if we don't share personal information in our office. (Anyone who knows me or our staff knows that we are really very casual and get along quite well and actually nearly read each other's thoughts.)

I know, not really funny to anyone who isn't involved. But, being snarky in the privacy of our office relieves stress and is harmless . . . . as long as we keep it in the office.

Just Like Home

As always, click on the title for the story link.

Australia is doing some soul searching after a horrendous rape case has come to light. The case centers around a 10 year old child who was gang raped by 9 teens and adults. And, that's not the shocking bit . . . the judge in the case didn't give the men involved prison time because she found that the child "probably agreed" to have sex. Never mind that she was too young to legally give consent in their system. Never mind that their justice system first became aware that she was being sexually abused at the age of seven and has mental disabilities. Never mind that the oldest person, and quite possibly the ringleader, was previously listed as a child predator in Australia.

What is interesting about this case, to me, is that until the case made it to the media, no one even bothered to care that there was a serious miscarriage of justice. The prosecution didn't appeal the sentence until after the media got the story . . . and well after the time limit for filing an appeal expired. Social workers, judges, pretty much everyone involved in the case is now doing the big scramble to cover their own asses.

Adding to the national soul searching is that this girl came from an indigenous community. And, from the article the issues faced by Australia's indigenous peoples sounds eerily like those faced by the American indigenous peoples. Abject poverty without investment in infrastructure to create opportunities, drug and alcohol abuses, and serious lack of access to the national justice system.

It's time that nations realize that all their citizens deserve equal protection . . . . not just to be paraded in native costume for cameras.

Epiphiany

I had a great thought today.

I've been involved in volunteer or social change work since I was 14 years old and well over 20 years of my life. I've been doing work around feminist causes nearly as long. I've been doing Rape Crisis work for almost 20 years.

Only rarely, in those years, have I thrown up my hands and wondered if I were on a fool's errand. Most of the time I can see that for the bad that people endure, there is also good in the volunteers who climb out of bed to take on a mission of mercy. I like to think that I've seen the very best that humanity can offer to each other.

In the past year, my agency has been undergoing a shift in how we do prevention work. We are now attempting to take a very focused, deliberate, and systematic approach to addressing the root causes of sexual violence and creating change along the whole of the social spectrum. Big words, eh? We want to prevent people from perpetrating rape rather than continue to tell potential victims how to make the next person a more likely target.

This afternoon, I was in conversation with a new board member about her interest in our agency. She related a conversation she'd had with her boss about wanting to make the community a safer place for her daughter to grow up in. And it hit me . . . . her daughter is 3 now. And in HER LIFE TIME, we actually could see an end to the problem of rape as we know it. It is a very real possibility.

So, what's the opposite of throwing up your hands in hopelessness?

Advocating

All too often, when assisting a client in the Emergency Room, I end up advocating for her claim to the medical and law enforcement staff. I think they have seen way too many wackos or drug seeking or attention seeking folks that they become jaded.

Child victims automatically get sympathy and the staff will do pretty much anything they can to assist. Teen victims often find themselves on either side of the coin . . . . depending upon the first story told. For example, one time one of our volunteers was greeted by a cop who opened with "she's 14, and she's already been pregnant once." The volunteer took the cop's statement to mean that it pretty much didn't matter what had happened to her, it wasn't going to be taken seriously because she was a "bad kid." And, adult victims need to fit a particular behavior pattern in order to be believed.

Recently, while in the ER, we were attending to a woman who was remarkable in her strength and independence. She'd been assaulted by a "date." She explained that for religious reasons she'd been celibate for several years and she was in the "get to know you phase" with the man in question. She described still being "in awe" that he would rape her. She also gave one of the best descriptions of defending herself I've ever heard. She was articulate and cooperative. She thought through her responses and was pleasant to the staff -- understanding that the discomfort wasn't really their fault. And, as I was waiting to see if her adult daughter had questions, a nurse asked me "what do you think?" The real question being "should I waste my time believing her?"

I know people think I'm hopeless for being so willing to believe what my clients tell me. But, we're even because I think they are hopeless because they are so willing to disbelieve everyone.

The Littlest Thing

One of the aspects of my job I have always appreciated is that I don't have the rules and constraints that folks who work for branches of government seem to be bound by. I have open opportunity to do that which needs to be done in order to get our clients the help they need, even when that help isn't EXACTLY my job.

For example, this morning I received a call from a woman in another community. She seemed at the end of her rope. And, she seemed to genuinely want to help herself. She couldn't find a support group that would address her specific needs. She tried calling an organization you would automatically think of in her situation only to find that their help line number had been disconnected.

She gave me a bit of a run down of her current situation and what help she wants. I feel like I did a good job of hearing her. I promised to scout around and see what I could find for her. I called agencies in her local area as well as resources at the state level.

Then, I made the most important phone call. I called her back to give her an update. I explained the agencies I'd called, their response, and that I expected that I'd be able to call her back soon to give her more information. There was genuine relief in her voice. That two minute phone call to up date her let her know she wasn't being regarded as a bother or another loser. She realized that her vulnerability to me was heard and responded to in an appropriate way. And, someone cared about her.

These are all the things we want our clients to experience from our services. We can't always give them a tangible result but we can let them know that they are important, that they were heard, and that they are cared for in our community.

Relationships

One of the skills I've been able to develop doing my job are friend/relationship skills.

The first rule is that you have to make the time to keep in touch with people. Even the people who live nearby. It is much to easy to get swept up in the daily grind and find yourself at the end of the day thinking "oh darn, I meant to call Julie." There are fun web sites for sending karma or cards or funny pictures. Just a little something that shows you were thinking of them can go a long way in keeping the friend vibe going. Show up with an unexpected treat -- like their favorite candy or a balloon.

Also, find times to talk on the phone. I have quite a few friends who live hours away. Some I speak to on the phone once a week - others once a month -- others stick to email. But, finding the time to catch up keeps you closer.

The second rule is remember what is important to your friends. Their kid's birthdays. Anniversaries - good and bad. Scary doctor's appointments or exams. Nothing shows that you actually care like remembering the details - and taking the time to show some support. For example: tomorrow, a friend is going for her yearly exam -- an event we all hate. She particularly hates it. I have made a note to myself to call her about an hour before to give her a pep talk and try to make her laugh over it.

The third rule is be sweet. You wouldn't believe what a compliment -- genuine of course -- does for keeping the friendship vibe going. A good friend of mine waxed a couple of years ago that contrary to popular belief -- life is LONG not short. We have too much time in our lives to NOT tell people we love them or that we care for them or that we admire them. If you think they are really good at parenting -- tell them. If you are amazed by their talents, let them know. Unfortunately, most of us don't hear the good stuff about ourselves enough. Today, as I was leaving work -- and will be taking a mini-break and won't be back until Monday, I made sure I let my co-workers that I especially appreciate that they do such a good job and I can leave the office secure in knowing they can handle anything.

And, lastly - respect your friends and your lovers. I think respect is the single most important aspect of any relationship. Respect means that even when you disagree, you still treat them well. Respect means not "hitting below the belt" when you're mad. Respect means keeping secrets or helping them find help even if they don't think they need it. Respect also means being true to yourself -- so that you are a truer friend.

Is there no Shame?

Seriously? What ever happened to shame?

It seems these days that when people behave shamefully, they puff up their chests as if to challenge the rest of us to back down in our opinions. I think that shame is a healthy response to committing shameful acts.

I'm not saying that we go back to the days of the victim being shamed into silence or inaction. I would like to see a return to the days when people who behaved badly were held accountable. Children who bullied could count on adults telling their parents . . . and their parents doling out appropriate punishment. Criminals could count on communities to keep an eye on their actions - and not trust them without the trust being earned back.

I've been reading about the child who committed suicide after being taunted by a friend on myspace only for her parents to learn that the person behind the taunts was an adult neighbor. I like that the community has pulled together to put forward a united front that this sort of behavior is unacceptable.

I can think of other countless situations where a healthy dose of shame might not be a bad thing. A friend of mine who works in another rape crisis center says that recently a pillar of her community was charged with rape and he participated in local fall festivities as if he were still an upstanding citizen. Or a cousin of mine was telling me that some of her classmates were expelled for calling in a fake bomb threat to her school . . . and the parents of the kids hired attorneys to try to force the school system to still allow them to have honor designations when they earned their high school diplomas through the local community college.

Then again, maybe this notion of social sanctioning of bad behavior is just a fairy tale kinda like the imaginary "good ol' days."

Terrible

The title has a link to the article.

In Saudi Arabia, a court has ordered that a young woman who was gang raped to be whipped 200 times. The original sentence was 90 lashes, but it was increased when her attorney appealed the sentence.

The young woman was in a car with a non-relative when she and the young man were kidnapped and raped by 7 men. The fact she was secluded with a man either not her husband or a relation is what the judges found so offensive. They did acknowledge that they believed she had not committed "adultery" -- just was alone with a man. She was alone with that man because she was on the verge of being married and wanted some photographs back that the other young man had.

There seems to be a large degree of punishing this young woman because the judges dislike her attorney. Her attorney has spoken out in favor of human rights in the past.

I find this story absolutely horrifying. At the same time, the public outcry and support from the young woman's husband lead me to believe that perhaps there is a movement to create some real rights for women in a country that subjugates them so thoroughly. And, makes me a little more grateful for our systems - flaws and all.

Bad Reputation?

I've been crazy busy with meetings and clients and a cold and year end reports.

You know how when you see pictures of yourself they often don't match up to the picture you have of yourself in your mind's eye? Or if you hear your own voice recorded it doesn't ever sound the way you think it does to you?

I some how, over the years, have developed a reputation for being really confrontational and quite the bitch. Which strikes me as funny because I think of myself as being really quite mellow and, for lack of a better term, chickenshit. I respect law enforcement . . . even if I don't always agree with them, I've never gotten up into a police officer's face or challenged one in front of a client. But, some how, stories circulate around that I have. I respect the medical staff -- and again - have NEVER openly confronted a doctor or nurse in front of a client - but yet, I have the reputation of being something of a ball buster. I've brought nurses homemade cookies in thanks for handling exceptionally difficult clients with more grace than the client was asking for with their behavior. I totally get the notion that District Attorney outranks me. How stories got started of me telling them their job is totally beyond my imagination.

In my personal life . . . I have a very quiet, comfortable, somewhat dull existence. But yet, I seem to have this rather exotic reputation of having parties and a good time and non-stop action. I have the reputation of being the local "token" feminist. That I don't take crap from my man. That I wear the pants in my house. Which is kinda a laugh because I have really overdeveloped domestic skills in reality; and my husband and I have a pretty equal relationship.

But, if people want to fear me and thus do a better job because of it . . . who am I to stop them? And if they want to imagine me jetting of to exotic places and partying with the pretty people and telling my man the score . . . . that's up to them, right?

The Business End

I've not posted lately because I've been bogged down with the business end of the crisis work.

It is amazing how quickly fortunes change in the non-profit business. Just two weeks ago, I was staying up nights wondering how I was going to make payroll if the state monies didn't come in. Now, I'm staying up wondering how I'm going to spend out all the funds of a grant by Dec. 31.

The problem is that because the state monies (which start July 1) didn't arrive until the last week of October. Being short four months worth of funds, we stopped spending on other grants. Now, we have to play catch up - but if we spend too much right at the end of a grant, it appears we had too much money. Sigh. The problem is that some of our grants reimburse us after we spend the money. So, you have to have money to spend before you can get money back. It keeps agencies honest - but it becomes really tough when other grant agencies are late on their funds.

Also, with the approach of the end of the calendar year, we have all kinds of reports due. In the interest of keeping everyone on the planet well informed of our happenings, my agency prepares monthly financial and client service stats for the board and monthly financial statements for two funders. We provide one funder with quarterly financial and client service stats reports. We provide the state with semi annual financial and client service reports. And, we provide everyone on the planet with annual reports. And, still some non-profits manage to employ criminals.

This week, while working on a holiday, I wondered how agencies whose directors are less inclined to the business end or that don't keep the tidy financial records I do manage to make these reports make sense. Maybe it's just a quirk of my nerdiness that I worry that my monthly, quarterly, semi-annual, and annual reports all add up.

I need a hobby.

Add to all the reports - the holiday season is looming - so everyone is trying to schedule their meetings, workshops, etc before thanksgiving. This year I was smart - I scheduled a bit of vacation for right after thanksgiving.

Oh, and the client I saw in the ER this week? I wasn't being uncaring - I would normally offer to hold your hand during the icky part - but I have a cold and I really didn't want you to get it. It was more caring than holding your hand. I'm sorry if you didn't feel well taken care of.

Life Lesson

One of the problems people involved in social activism is that all too often we forget that if we don't care for ourselves, nurture our own lives, we aren't going to be much good for anyone else. I'm no exception. It just seems that there is so much to be done, that sacrificing what I want seems easy.

Last night, my husband and I were invited to a birthday party for our best friend's child. This child thinks of my husband and I as her favorite "aunt and uncle" as well as best playmates. Our first reaction was to be responsible adults and say that the 4 hours drive time and late night out would be too much in our already busy schedules. Until she started to cry.

We were horrified. We, the fun aunt and uncle, are never suppose to make her cry. Now, intellectually, I know she'd get over it. But, it was exactly the wake up call we needed. We realized that at the end of our lives, we would never regret getting to spend her birthday with her. We would regret, at the end of our lives, knowing that we skipped her birthday for something we won't remember what we did.

So, in the name of taking care of my own life, I'm taking off work early today and driving up the highway for a kiddie birthday party. And, frankly, being exhausted tomorrow is going to be worth it.

If the situation were different . . . .

Over the weekend, an attorney friend was telling me about a sexual assault case she'd heard about on the news. A male athlete accused a teammate of sexually assaulting him. The story was that the victim woke up to find his teammate performing a sexual act on him without consent.

We talked about it in our office, and we came to an interesting question.

First, even in our discussions, we absolutely assumed that the act was "by force and against the will of" the victim. However, we also pointed out that if the "victim" had been female and the "perp" male - larger society would want to ask questions about the behavior of the victim before the event, people might question if there was implied consent, and people might question that the event took place or that there was any force at all.

Something to think about when we hear about sexual violence and wonder to ourselves if it's true. Perhaps we should try mixing up the genders of the people involved and see how that changes our thoughts and feelings. We might surprise ourselves.

Friday Client Stories (not a fun one this time)

Because so many of the clients we serve are assaulted and abused by people we know, many of our office discussions center on relationships. Parent - child relationships, extended family relationships, acquaintance relationships, and intimate relationships.

I believe that people can get into relationship ruts. They pick the same sorts of people to be with over and over again. People go into new relationships waiting for the hurts of past relationships to pop up again. Once in a relationship, some people rehash the same arguments and scenes out over and over. People go back to people who have hurt them, over and over, somehow expecting that TODAY it will be different.

Last night, my agency responded to a client in the ER. This client had a long history of poor relationships. She says that her mother died when she was young and that her father ran out on the family. She says that they lived briefly with the grandparents - but her interpretation was that her grandmother "kicked them out" when she was 10. She had a series of foster and group homes. She was not protected or made to feel loved as a child.

She was much more concerned about being believed and how people around her would respond to her latest abuse. She talked of her history (and current habit) of self abuse.

At one point, she was visited by several relatives - two adults and a teen. The teen seemed overwhelmed by the situation and I'm not sure it was appropriate for him to be made a part of the scene. One of the adults hugged and held her - and repeatedly urged her to seek religious comfort. The other adult cried with her, held her, and whispered soothing things. It appeared to be the type of scene she craved and needed and deserved. But, I could tell that the few minutes of peace and comfort she felt wasn't enough to make up for the years of when it was lacking. And, as soon as it was over, she seemed to forget it happened.

The night ended with a scene I hate. She was on the phone with her family, pleading for someone to come pick her up from the hospital. She was detailing the hurts she'd suffered in a desperate attempt for them to believe her, and respond to her in a way she wanted. Sadly, I think the people she was talking to were incapable of being the people she dreams of them being, and I think that her own history of behaviors have worn them out too. It's all part of that rut.

When I see women in her situation, I am struck by how very lucky I was to have family members who were capable of being who and what I needed when others weren't. I also realize that one or two different decisions in my life, and I could have been in her situation rather than mine. I really think it can be just that simple for a life to be derailed.

New Link

You'll notice that in the "Places worth checking out" section, there is a new link. You can also get there by clicking on the title of this post.

It is a section of the EndAbuse site called "Coaching Boys into Men."

Feminist philosophers, sociologists, counselors, and researchers of all ilks have commented on the differences between the way boys and girls are reared. We spend a lot of time talking about how to bring up smart, healthy, confident girls. But, what do we offer boys?

I totally understand patriarchy as the underlying influence on our planet. I also understand that much of the world around us reinforces the notion of male as superior. That's not what this is about. This is about the real, live boys all around us who aren't getting the role models, dedicated adults, and positive direction they need to also be smart, healthy, and confident people.

Too many boys grow up without a positive male influence in their lives. A male who can counter the negative portrayals of masculinity and what it means to be a "real man." Too many boys are left to imagine or make up what being grown up means. For too many boys, we fail to give them the road map we give girls (even if what girls get is passively given.)

If you have boys in your life who are into sports and sports culture, Coaching Boys into Men may be just the resource you're looking for to help. They have good resources and many if not all are free.

Scary: Where is the Pedo Blogger Now?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. The Pedo Blogger (the self described pedophile who wrote a blog in which he posted his thoughts about little children, pictures of random children he took in various places, and lists of places other like minded sorts could find lots and lots of children) was run out of California.

He was run out of Washington before that.

We know that some classes of pedophiles will act out on children when they are stressed or pushed. (not an excuse, mind you - just an explanation)

So, where did he go? Whose children is he watching today? Is being run out of community after community the stress factor that will push him from world's biggest creep to bona fide criminal?

OH JOY

Life in a service providing, rural, non-profit is always hard. Providing services isn't always appreciated by the community, at least until a big case. People with money assume they will never will need our services. And, the work we do is easy to ignore or misunderstand.

We always struggle for money. We work hard to make sure we are accountable for the money we take in. We keep good financial records. We try to know about and adhere to all laws and regulations for non-profits.

But, today, I got the chance to do something that really warmed my heart. I've never done this work for the money. But, the last year has been hard enough, financially, that I find myself awake at nights worrying about money.

Today, I received a grant check in the mail. $50,000.00. It is satisfying to deposit that sum of money in our account - and know that for the next 9 months, I won't be awake nights worrying about money.

Now I can worry about other things - like why it's so hard to convince people that working to end rape is a good thing.

Friday Fun Client Stories

Actually, today I'm gonna tell on my self a bit.

I've always, or pretty much always, had feminist leanings. My early childhood years were spent in the San Francisco Bay area in the early to mid 70s. My mom was a grad. student at Berkeley. We spent more time seeing freaky things in SF and Berkeley than most kids. I have memories of not being at all shocked at seeing naked people on the street. I remember seeing people I now know were out of their gourds high dancing to their own music. I remember my mom having a "rape whistle" on her keys. I also remember Saturdays spent on grassy lawns watching my mom's belly dancing class perform.

Add to all this, my best friend's mom was also something of a feminist. In fact, it was from my friend's mom and sister I learned the phrase "male chauvinist pig." The first time I used the phrase at home was towards my father when he told me to do dishes while he and my brother's watched football. He later told me that he tried really hard not to laugh as to not encourage me.

But, despite all my feminist leanings, I didn't really have many female friends when I was in jr. high or high school. I didn't get into girl competition for male attention. I wasn't completely absorbed in my appearance. I didn't spend hours giggling over pictures of cute boys in magazines. I probably came dangerously close to needing to have a telephone receiver surgically removed from my ear.

It was frustrating to be a young feminist - and at the same time feel so disconnected from other girls. Fortunately, in college and adulthood, I've found many wonderful women who are smart, and funny, and kind, and who make wonderful friends. It's enough to restore all those feminist leanings.

A most unsatisfying experience

Late yesterday afternoon, we received a call from the manager of a rather large business in town -- one of those businesses that donates lots of money to charity and encourages their employees to volunteer. He wanted a speaker for his employee meeting. Today. Early this morning. But, how could we refuse? We want their monetary and physical support in the future.

So, we arrived early. And, they weren't ready yet. Then, they had us meet in the warehouse - which was loud, and big, and kinda echoed. Then, the manager made mention of it being Domestic Violence month. I smiled and said - yes, it is domestic violence month, but since we do sexual violence response, I can't really address the other issues.

I'm not entirely sure the people beyond the first row heard anything I said. They had that kinda blank stare. Then, when we finished up the shtick, we turned around and the manager had disappeared. The employees didn't seem to know what was expected. I was seriously considering some softshoe and jazz hands, when the manager showed back up. There was mention of choco cake - but none materialized.

I'm not sure what the employees got out of our appearance at their staff meeting. Maybe someday, one of them will want to volunteer.

Cancer Ads

I absolutely hate the breast cancer ad that features a lacy bra and has the caption "Save the Ta-Tas" because it's not about saving breasts. It is about saving lives. It is about saving mostly women's lives.

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, given our society's willingness to marginalize and objectify women into just random body parts.

So, a couple of weeks ago, while on a long drive, I thought up a similar campaign for men that hopefully would make people think twice about the whole ta-tas thing. It was "save the assholes" -- and an admonishment to get checked for colon/rectal cancer.

This week I saw another breast cancer ad -- it said "squish a boob, save a life" and it had a fat little pink penguin on it. Although some may not see the difference - I like this ad. It focuses on lives. It could be referring to the process of a mammogram. And, the penguin is just confusing enough to make it totally non-sexual.

So, go squish yer boobs.

Confession

I saw on the news that a small town church has created a website on which people can confess their sins and shames, and receive Christian support. All confessions are anonymous and can be in a variety of topics, although the "sexual" topic is the most popular thus far. I've not read most of the posts, but I understand that there is a fair amount of admitting addiction to internet porn.

My interest was sparked when one of the "highlighted" confessions was a person who said that they were sexually abused from a young age until adolescence. They said that they had forgiven the perpetrator but still felt shame.

I have mixed feelings about web site confessions. There is little feed back - unlike when you confess to a sponsor or a minister. Also, a few of the confessions I saw were more confessions that there was something to confess without actually getting to the misdeed. And, I am troubled by someone thinking that the shame they feel from the abuse they endured as a child is equal to the person having an extra-marital affair. I also have issues with the rather passive approach to correcting behavior the posters clearly are ashamed of . . . . this notion that anonymously confessing on a web site and then expecting "God" to remove the sin and temptation.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a minister friend of mine years ago. She said that humans cannot control divine forgiveness, but that we can bestow human forgiveness upon each other. She says that in order for someone to be "eligible" for forgiveness, they must do three things:

1) admit to their behavior and the harm it created. All of the harm created. If your children grew up without the basic necessities because you were addicted to drugs, you must confess not only your addiction but also harming your children.

2) you must atone for your actions in a manner meaningful to the people you harmed. If your addiction denied your children the basics, you might atone by assisting in paying for their educations or paying for part of their groceries or donating money or time to children's shelters.

3) you must change your behavior. You must get treatment for your addiction. You must work to stay clean. You must change those behaviors. If being an active member of a church family helps - then do it. If having a personal relationship with God helps you maintain your sobriety, by all means, have it. But, don't expect that you don't have to do any of the work yourself because you show up in church on Sundays but do nothing else to help yourself.

I worry when sexual abuse victims believe they bear the burden of forgiving their abuser without the abuser doing anything to earn that forgiveness. And, I'm not sure a public but anonymous site for confession really counts as confession.

Under the influence

If you want to read the source article from the NY Times, click on the title of this post.

I remember watching parts of the HBO show "Capturing the Friedmens" and not being impressed. As anyone who watches television with a critical eye or has seen a Micheal Moore film, you can present evidence in a format that sounds like it might be balanced and truthful, but actually is rather biased and designed to lead the viewer to one specific conclusion.

I don't think I ever watched the whole program - simply because I thought it was bull.

Now, the man who was at the center of the show claims to have new evidence that the children in the case against him were hypnotized and influenced to "recall" abuse that never happened.

If you take the claim at face value, it appears he may have something worth looking into -- maybe not over turning his case, but taking a look. But, if you read the whole article, you see that the assertion is based on public speaking engagements from some of the therapists who treated the children central to the case, and in their lengthy talks, there is mention that sometimes, hypnosis can be a useful therapy tool for abused children in "cases like this." They never actually say "yes, we hypnotized the children, and only then did the children reveal or recall sexual abuse."

I'm mildly interested in this case. In the 80s (and early 90s) there were several cases of mass sexual abuse of children. These cases mostly happened before I started doing this work. They also happened at a time when most communities didn't have sexual assault crisis centers and when most therapists weren't required to be certified (at least in my state). Also, and we don't like to admit this often, there is still debate over the "best" way to treat abused children.

One of the problems is that with young children - it is difficult to lead them through cognitive processing. Other times, you have children who aren't invested in counseling. Other children may see the attentions and stresses surrounding the disclosure as negative and clam up. If the abuse created a dissolution of the family or household, it is difficult to encourage children to continue counseling. And, children are so heavily influenced by their parents, families.

If families aren't invested in counseling, children won't see the value in it. If family members question if the abuse happened, it feels like being disbelieved. Other times, family members will compact the shame the child feels, or openly blame the child for reporting it and bringing in outsiders to interfere.

I have no knowledge that would lead me to be able to say if this guy is guilty or innocent. I do have issues with the massive media attention on the very few cases of wrongful convictions (notice, I say media attention -- not on the wrongful conviction itself -- if there has been a wrongful conviction, our society owes it to the wrongfully convicted to be restored to their former life to the extent that we can.) and the little attention that is put on the issue of the many many many unsolved crimes in every community in America.

And, if we could prevent sexual abuse from happening in the first place, we wouldn't have to figure out ways to treat the victims.

Friday Fun Client Stories

Sometimes, the help we extend isn't exactly in the realm of sexual violence. Because we are a crisis oriented organization, and because we are a "women's" organization, we get calls from people who have interesting situations and don't really know where else to turn. I'm sure there is quite the debate with themselves before calling us. Usually these calls are about something related to violence and women, crime, or sex.

A few years ago, we got a call from a woman with a very small voice. She clearly was calling us because she just didn't know who else to call and hoped we would be sympathetic or know where to find help. She had a variety of problems. She had lost her job and didn't know how she was going to pay her rent or power bills. She also had a young child and the father was gone. She was clearly embarrassed to admit that she'd had a fleeting relationship with a neighborhood guy, and realized after she got pregnant how little she really knew about him. Like his real name. She realized she only knew him by his nickname - "Batman." She knew the small community where his family lived, but they claimed to not be interested in any children he may or may not have fathered (their words.)

I referred her to several social service organizations and the local job link service and every other agency I could think of. I think that the clear desperation and hopelessness in her voice tugged on my heart strings more than other folks who call demanding public assistance.

A week or so later, I was talking to a friend who is a probation/parole officer. She was expressing frustration over the "street names" of the men she worked with - and how when she calls their homes, no one knows their legal names. I laughed and related my client's frustration in realizing after getting pregnant the importance of learning a legal name. When I mentioned that the missing father was "Batman" - my friend jumped in to say she had a man on her case load who was known as "Batman." She ordered a paternity test, and LO! he was the missing father.

The client was amazed that we were able to find "Batman" and get her some child support to help her out. Frankly, I was amazed too.

Teacher/Student Inappropriate Activities

I've just been reading my hometown newspaper and see that a girl I went to high school with has been sentenced for inappropriate sexual activities with a student. Sigh. I can't say I am surprised. Not like there was anything in this woman's high school behavior that would lead me to think that 25 years later she'd be a sex offender. I'm not surprised because it just reminds me that anyone can be a sex offender.

I learned this when I was in high school. One of my teachers was convicted of sexually abusing a student. We had heard rumors of parties at this teacher's home for students who played sports. We'd heard rumors of her having an affair with one of the senior boys. We never dreamed that she'd be sexually abusing one of the younger girl ball players. Although, knowing what I know now, it fits. The girl she abused had a tough family/home life. She wasn't really popular and wasn't a stand out in the classroom or on the court. The perfect target for someone looking to prey on a vulnerable person.

Our local paper printed the whole transcript of the trial. I remember admiring the student for having the courage to testify -- even then I realized how difficult it would be to relate such details in front of strangers. We also learned from the trial that the teacher in question had lost a job in another state for similar activities and had been banned from teaching in that state. She moved on to our state. I remember thinking then that even though the judge ordered her to never teach again, I was pretty sure that in a couple years time (when she got out of jail) she'd must move on to another state.

This is why we need to link state sex offender registries so that it is harder for offenders to just move to a new place and set up shop again. Or make it easier for school systems to do back ground checks. It's not a cure-all, but a tool.

Rambling Thoughts

This morning, I had a conversation with a woman who volunteers with my agency and is also working on completing her college degree. She is preparing a research project for a women's history course on illegitimacy. But, in her work, is finding lots of research about sex and women throughout American history. She says that she is finding that through the generations, women have usually viewed sex as an obligation or as something forced upon them by their husbands. There was no acknowledgement that women could or should enjoy sex or own their sexuality. In fact, if a woman did enjoy sex, she was seen as a witch or as having the devil in her.

Which got me thinking -- if this is the historical view towards sex for women as a whole (not individual women - I'm sure, from talking to my grandmother, that individual couples enjoyed sex), then it's actually pretty amazing that we have come to a point in human development that we are so organized to fight against hurtful, forced sex. It was in my life time, less than 40 years ago, that the first rape crisis centers organized over the public acknowledgement that rape is a problem for women and rape is bad. And, now, most communities either have or border on a community with sexual assault victim and prevention services.

It's amazing that we have come to a point where we don't just whisper amongst ourselves about the pain and shame of rape - but rather can work across many professions to reshape prevention as an activity designed to change men's and society's attitudes about rape and relationships and sex.

Maybe we should take a moment to appreciate how much we have done already -- before rolling up our sleeves to jump back in, eh?

A Test

As usual, click on the title for the article.

I'm sure this sort of scene plays out across the country in large and small communities. I'm also certain that most people have no idea if any of their neighbors are convicted sex offenders. But, when it is discovered that a sex offender is living or intends to live in any given neighborhood, there is panic.

There is panic because studies in recent years have shown that most convicted sex offenders started committing their crimes young, and have committed many crimes before being reported, and often commit many more before being convicted. Most sex offenders are serial criminals. Also, sex crimes bring some of the deepest emotional reactions - especially in white, middle America. We, as a society, tolerate sex crimes with marginalized communities long before we tolerate them in middle class or "better" communities. (I've even heard some people dismiss the rape of young children in marginalized communities as "that's just the way those people are.")

But, I see the release of convicted sex offenders as a test for our justice system and our communities. There are those who believe that once the sentence has been served, the criminal ought to regain the freedoms enjoyed before the conviction. (I'm not one of those.) There are others who see it as a practical matter of the law - the laws we as a society established say that this is the punishment and once the punishment is meted out, there ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to behave themselves. (I can see this argument.) And, there are others who feel that with certain criminals, there ought to be other provisions made. (I can see where this argument comes from - but think it's a slippery slope.)

Yes - the criminal has the ultimate responsibility to control their actions and behaviors. But, I also realize that our society has a responsibility to place limits, act quickly, and amend laws we don't like. Ultimately, we as a society will need to devise more adequate ways of responding to sex offenders and other criminals. It's a test - for everyone involved.

Friday Fun Client Stories

A few years ago, I was able to convince the fine folks at our local college to let me present programs in the dorms. It is a small college and located in a rather provincial town. They didn't like to admit that their male and female students did much more than gaze thoughtfully into each other's eyes or occasionally hold hands.

When I finished up my presentation, and asked if there were any questions or comments, a young woman stood up and asked how they could bring more active programming to campus. She went on to become a campus leader in the push for better services for students and more awareness of the issues surrounding sexual violence on campus.

So, why do I tell you this story? Because, she was a client many years ago. She and her sister were sexually abused by a relative. The sexual abuse was a cycle in her family. I think I've seen a handful of her relatives for other victimizations. Her mother, also a client, decided in my office one day that the cycle was going to end. Her mother took an active role in helping her daughters. She consulted them when the DA's office called about a plea and again when the prison system wanted to know how they would feel if he were released early due to illness. She took time from her job to "reconnect" with her daughters.

And, the great pay off was that she and her daughters were able to build an even stronger bond than before, both girls went to college - the first in their family - and both girls were strong and bold and active in helping other abuse victims. And, that's why we do this work - for the kids and families who just need the opportunity to heal.

This Just In

There is a movement to bring attention to the issue of violence against women through standing up with your wardrobe.

Wear Red on Oct. 31 to be a part of the movement. For more information, click on the title for the web site "Document the Silence."

Confessions

I've been following the coverage of the multiple guilty pleas of kidnapper/sex offender Michael Devlin. He's the guy who kidnapped the two boys - several years apart - and inflicted all sorts of tortures and horrors on the boys, especially the first boy.

Initially, there weren't many details but lots of innuendos made in the media. We all pretty much knew that there was some sexual torture going on - even if no one would say it out loud. We also knew that Devlin had been using the older boy has his own personal puppet and the most heinous of mental games/abuses had happened.

I'm just cynical enough to wonder how much Devlin is "enjoying" the retelling of his crimes in vivid detail. I know that he must admit to his actions as part of his pleas - but I also suspect there is some pleasure in it for him too.

I also have to applaud the parents of the boys because it seems that they are shielding their boys from the media. I hope they are getting the counseling, assistance, and tutors they need to help work towards restoring them. And, I'm happy to see that so many jurisdictions are doing their part to insure this guy is never trolling the streets again.

The Law

Today, I heard a story in NPR about Oregon will be extending rights to domestic partnerships -- such as survivorship rights or child custody rights. The state is careful to point out that this is not recognizing gay marriage - but that couples that do not marry (gay or otherwise) do require legal remedies/protections that are normally extended to married couples.

This got me thinking about the living aspects of our laws. Yes, our laws are living. They grow, they change, the reflect the society we become. When the men writing the constitution were hard at work, they could not have anticipated that someday we would need laws to protect children from Internet predators. This is why they created a function by which our Constitution and laws could be updated and changed.

Our laws are a reflection of our values and our condition as a society. Some aspects of our laws are judgemental - such as the penal code. Other aspect of our law merely create a standard under which citizens can find remedy or protections. This part of our law isn't judgemental.

This is why I'm a tad baffled at the push from some quarters to make gay marriages illegal or deny protections to gay couples. First, there are long lasting, monogamous gay and not-gay couples all over. Some choose for themselves the securities and instant social recognition of marriage - others are denied it or reject it for themselves. But, this doesn't mean those couples are less worthy of inheriting shared properties. It doesn't mean that children of these relationships are just out of luck if their parents split up -- one parent isn't just going to disappear.

Laws extending rights and protections to unmarried but committed couples/families is more about creating a structure for difficult situations than it is about threatening the marriages of those folks lucky enough to have the right to get married.

Just as we are quick to create laws regulating where convicted sex offenders can or cannot live - we should also be quick to offer all families equal protections under the law.

Compounding the injustice

As is custom, click on the title to go to the story in question.

I imagine that other folks have followed with some interest the case of the US prosecutor who was arrested in an airport as he traveled to have sex with a 5 year old child. He had been chatting on-line with undercover cops who posed as the mother of the imaginary child. In the two weeks of chatting, the two had struck a bargain in which the prosecutor believed he was going to get a hot date with a 5 year old. When he was arrested, he was carrying earrings (for the mother), a dora doll, and petroleum jelly. EEEUUUUUWWWWWWW

This prosecutor was married, had children, and as far as the people in his community knew - a stand up guy who coached kids teams. (Okay, group shudder.)

I don't quite understand how anyone would think sex with a 5 year old would be so hot as to jeopardize everything in your life. Even if he wasn't thinking of his career - the years of study and work he undertook to earn his position of trust - he should have been thinking about how his family would bear this burden. Did he really believe he would never be found out? How many other children has he met that were actually children? Is there a trail of children in our country who have encountered this man before a random cop found him? I have a hard time believing that this is his first and only transgression.

The prosecutor killed himself in jail this weekend. He deprived our society and his family the opportunity to ask "Why?" He selfishly avoided further investigation into his past deeds. But, now his attorney has announced that he will ask that the charges be dropped against him. Not that the case be dismissed because the criminal doesn't live any longer - but that the charges be dropped.

I'm thinking that if there are children he raped or molested who haven't been found, knowing that he will never be held responsible for his actions is an injustice. Although, I'm sure his family will be relieved to know that he won't have the on-going label of "child rapist." I'm not sure how that helps -- since they still have to live with the horror of the event itself.

Friday Fun Client Stories

This week I got a call from a student looking for resources for a school project. The reason I loved this call is that it's from a young woman we helped, oh my gosh, 8 years ago?

She was raped by her stepfather twice on successive nights. The third night, she ran away from home and stayed away. After telling her family why she'd run away, her stepfather went to prison and the relationship between my client and her mother was on the mend. It took a long time for the relationship to go from mother/child/betrayed and hurt to one of mutual friendship and restored trust.

My client went off to college - and from the sounds of it she did the college thing right - student leadership, lots of good friends, exposure to varied viewpoints, lots of learning - the whole thing. Now, after three years of public school teaching - she has started law school. She wants to use her law degree to be an advocate for children.

I love knowing that our clients who were at the depths of their lives have pulled themselves together and have created for themselves happy, successful lives. And, I can't help but feel a twinge of pride because I know somewhere along the line, I contributed just a bit.

Breaded and Fried

A news item tonight caught my attention. A jury in Raleigh, North Carolina has found the founder of Smithfield's Chicken and BBQ liable in a sexual harassment suit filed by his male former assistant. The former employee said he was fired after refusing his boss' sexual advances. Other employees testified to similar firings.

Here's what interesting . . . . the award is noted by the media as being high for a community known for being conservative when handing out awards. Also, the founder of the restaurant chain testified that he is bisexual on the stand. And, we have male to male harassment.

I wonder if the "unusual" factor of the case being male to male harassment led the jury to be more sympathetic to the former employee? If the fired employee had been a young, attractive woman, would the jury have believed her? Would they have found anything "wrong" in the founder's behavior? Also, we don't often hear about homosexual or bi-sexual men and women being involved in sex related crimes. I don't know if they have a difficult time fitting into larger society -- or they aren't wired that way -- or are they willing to settle cases and not go to court?

We have a smithfield's in our town. I'll have to think twice now before I zip by for a bag of hush puppies.

We know it's a problem, but . . .

Today, I found a conference on sex trafficking that I want to attend. The immigrant population of my state has grown tremendously over the last few years - and we have a hunch that there is also sexual enslavement or sex trafficking going on . . . but we don't have any true numbers. Every once in a while, a law enforcement agency busts an illegal brothel and arrests illegal immigrant women for prostitution. But we don't have any real proof of numbers and who and where they are.

And, this is one of the real problems with all sexual violence work. So many of the victims are silent or invisible, it's hard to know exactly the scope of the problem. If we don't have numbers, we can't justify the money we need to make services and assistance available.

Our local law enforcement recognizes that immigrant peoples are often targeted for crime. I think they would rather believe that those crimes are only property crimes.

sigh.

What's in a Name?

Names are important. How you address other people is an indicator of your respect or manners. Business transactions can be derailed by calling someone the wrong name. A name can be an indication of enslavement or individuality.

It is my belief that names are even more significant for women. In the field in which I work, many women recognize the practice of changing one's name upon marriage significant. Heterosexual women sometimes see this as an extension of sexual ownership or loss of individual identity. Homosexual women who are in committed relationships see the different last names as a constant reminder of the denial of marriage rights.

And, there are a variety of ways to remedy this situation. I've seen women hyphenate their names upon marriage. But, I also see them drop the hyphen over the years -- especially if the hyphenated name is especially long or awkward, or if they have children and don't want to saddle children with an especially long name. I know of one couple who both took the hyphenated name so that they would have the same last name. (I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often.) And, I know one couple who created a new last name incorporating parts of their original names and both took the new name. I've known lesbian couples who changed their names legally to a hyphenated name.

I didn't change my name when I got married. Some people have clued into this and are respectful. Others insist on calling me by my husband's name.

Some times, when someone calls my husband by my last name, and we gently correct them - they get flustered and assume they have insulted him. However, if they call me by his last name and we gently correct them - I notice they act as if we have insulted them. Very strange.

But today, I had a thought. I attended a meeting today where most of the women in the group had hyphenated last names. I wondered if they assume I took my husband's last name because mine isn't hyphenated? I wonder what other assumptions this leads them to make about my feminist notions or liberal/conservative leanings?

How a good number of calls to the ER start

This morning, a young woman who volunteered with my agency a couple of years ago stopped by my office to chat.

She related that she'd had an annoying event happen over the weekend. She is a separated mother of a pre-school aged boy. She shares a household with her divorced mother. Both she and her mother have jobs.

She started the tale by commenting about role reversal with her mother. She said that her mother had recently broken up with a boyfriend and was unhappy. Her mother's friends convinced her to go out to a night club with them as a distraction. My friend said that she fell asleep on the couch waiting for her mother to come home. She was awakened at 4 am when her mother came in, followed by a guy my friend had never seen before.

She said after a short time, the guy left her mother's bedroom. But, he sat in his vehicle for at least half an hour without driving off. This bothered my friend. Finally, the guy came back to the door and asked if he and his buddy could come inside and sleep. They said they were too drunk and cold to drive home or stay outside. My friend's mother agreed, and my friend found herself giving up the couch to the buddy who had stayed in the vehicle while her mother and her new friend were, um, hooking up.

She said that the guy on the couch tried to convince her to join him "to keep him warm."

She said she went to the bedroom she shares with her child and moved the dresser in front of the door.

The next morning her mother told her that as she and her friends were leaving the club, the guy she'd hooked up with called to her in the parking lot. And the line that got him into her pants? "I think you're pretty." She said she didn't really want to bring him home/have sex with him, but her friends said it would help her get over the ex-boyfriend.

This is a woman in her mid 40s. She is still letting her friends make her decisions. She has no more confidence in herself that a line like "you're pretty" is enough for her to over come her own pride and have sex with a near stranger. And, she exposed her child and grandchild a very real risk of harm.

Fortunately, no one was hurt. But, it was easily avoidable. I'm not saying the mother would have been to blame if one or both of these guys had criminal behavior on their minds . . . . but it seems to me that somewhere along the line smarter decisions were easy to make. If nothing else, your children or roommates deserve more respect than this story indicates.

implied lesbianism

The other night, I went out clubbing with some friends. Something I'd not done in many a year. It was fun. It was exhausting. It was expensive. I don't see it becoming a habit.

But, one of the spectacles we were treated to was a group young women who were either soon to be college graduates or recent grads. They were all dolled up in cocktail dresses, big hair and big make-up. They were rubbing up against each other, fondling each other, having group kisses, and posing grabbing each other's breasts -- all for camera phone toting guys. They seemed to relish having their photos taken while behaving in a pretty sexual fashion.

I assumed that the boys taking the pictures were not part of the group because after the pictures were taken, the boys would drift off to compare pictures, and I assume email them to their buddies.

So, when did implied lesbianism become appropriate behavior? (I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends and relations, and have never seen this sort of behavior in the many situations I've seen them in.) And, don't these girls worry about what is going to happen with those pictures? Since we no longer teach sex ed in schools, what assumptions do men and women make about each other with this behavior? Is this behavior really an indicator of sexual freedom or women buying into sexual exploitation for the sake of male approval?

Maybe I'm too cynical because I would assume those pictures are going straight to the internet. And, I see this as an issue of women buying into the sexual exploitation of women.

sigh. Youth. But, whose to say I wouldn't have behaved that way in a different time and place? naw. I still hear my mother's/grandmother's voices in my head when contemplating bad behavior.

NOTE: After I wrote this, I thought that it might come across kinda harsh. I should clarify that I think that the behavior I describe in this post is insulting to people who are actually homosexual. And, I would like to note that being gay or lesbian is much more than who you have sex with -- but who you identify with and the way you define yourself within our society. I'm sorry if I came across as disapproving of actual gay and lesbian people. That isn't at all what I meant to achieve with this post.

Friday Fun Client Stories

Every once in a while, there is a client you just can't bring yourself to like. Several years ago, there was a client in the ER who was car jacked. Once I arrived in the ER, I found that actually, she'd consumed a 12 pack of beer and then went out in her car looking to score some drugs. She found a dealer on the "wrong side of town." In addition to taking "payment" he also sucker punched her, raped her, and took off in her car. (Law enforcement weren't entirely sure she'd not offered her car as payment for the drugs because she couldn't specify how much money she'd given him.)

She was very drunk and very high and very unhappy. She used as much profanity as I've ever heard from a client in the ER -- some of it hurled towards me and some towards the nurse. She was as unlikable as a client could get. When the doctor finished the pelvic exam, she immediately tried to get off the exam table. The problem was that the table had been put up high for the doctor's convenience. She fell off the end of the table and landed on her hip/butt.

She didn't even feel the impact of falling from a table about three - four feet up. I was relieved when I could leave the ER and never see her again.

The next day, she called our office. Now sober, she was feeling quite embarrassed over her behavior. She apologized for her abusiveness. And, since that almost never happens, my feelings about her changed immediately. It was nice to see someone take responsibility for their behavior towards people trying to help her. And, it was nice to let go of feeling resentment towards her - or the guilt for feeling that resentment.

Brick Wall

We have dubbed this week the week of the brick wall. As in, hitting yo head up against it.

A co-worker attended a community forum on substance abuse thinking she could find allies for her prevention work. When someone in the audience brought up the issue of prevention, the DOCTOR on the panel said "I'm sure prevention has it's place, but it's largely ineffective." My poor co-worker was horrified that a member of the medical profession would adopt an attitude that addiction is a given if you have the genes for it - so we might as well just channel all our resources into treatment and not prevention.

Then, I attended a meeting in which many agency leaders were treated to a lecture by someone completely unqualified about our internal controls and bookkeeping practices. The person lecturing us, in the manner of a school teacher who has just caught students cheating on a test, is a board member of an agency that just faced sanctions from funders because their director was a criminal and their lack of oversight allowed it to go on for quite some time.

Oh, and we distributed cds with a positively messaged hip-hop style song urging men to take up the cause of ending rape. An employee of a local youth organization took several to hand out to the kids they serve. Today, the director of that organization stomped into our office, slammed the cds down on my desk, and declared that they would not be giving those cds to their kids. Um, because if you don't mention rape it won't happen?

A co-worker attended a lunch meeting today - and she was treated to the leader of a local non-profit substance abuse group blather on and on and on about how his organization is single handedly saving the whole world by getting two prostitutes off the street.

And, our local united way is sponsoring a "best legs" contest. They have one category for men, but three for women based on age. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it kinda sniffs of being sexist and exploitative.

Oh, and my volunteer who was on call this past weekend saw 4 clients in the er -- ranging in age from 10 months to 16 years.

Maybe we'll save the world next week. This week, I think they won.

Rape is Bad

Recently, I was participating in a state wide planning meeting - and we decided we needed to come up with a quick and easy to understand definition for us to use with people who don't work in this field but who we need to understand why what we do is so important.

I suggested "rape is bad."

They liked it, but ultimately decided to go with one that was a tad more informative.

But, at the heart of it all - just remember "rape is bad."

For those of you who don't have the history on this movement - here's the quick version. During the late 60s and early 70s, we experienced what is often referred to as the second wave of feminism. Women were getting together and discussing their lives. Many found they shared a history of sexual and domestic abuse. From these discussions, groups formed to bring attention to the issue of abuse -- and to create services for the abused. The first rape crisis centers were very grassroots and varied greatly by community. During the late 70s, 80s, and 90s rape crisis and domestic violence centers opened across the country. Now, most communities in the US have some form of response to violence against women/children.

But, the influence of this movement has also marked a change in our thinking about crime. We have moved away from thinking of prisons as solely places to reform criminals and more like places where reform can take place, but that the function is also that of public safety by keeping criminals away from the general public. We also have seen the rise of "victim rights" thereby improving the experience victims of any crime.

These days, you can find that most sexual abuse or domestic abuse centers are professionalized while still holding on to many of the grassroots ideals. You will also find that the public understanding of abuse has grown tremendously - and that currently there is a real push to make these organizations responsible business partners with governments and the community.

So, blog against abuse. Donate your time, expertise, money, resources, or voice to your local agency. Vote for leaders and judges who will protect the rights of victims. Or, simply know how to get in touch with your local agency just in case you ever have a friend who needs the information.

Rape and Oppression

Rape is oppression.

Rape is, regardless of what the federal government believes, a hate crime. The vast majority of victims are female and the vast majority of the perpetrators of this crime are male. It's a fact. Yes, there are female perpetrators and Yes, there are male victims. However, it still remains a fact that those cases are far less common.

The society wide consequence of this fact is that all women must fear rape - and thus must conform to a fairly silly code of conduct in order to "protect themselves" from rapists. By silly code of conduct, I'm talking about includes, but is not limited to, how women dress, how they conduct themselves in business and socially - being friendly but never actually flirting - and keeping doors and windows locked, looking over our shoulders, and never never having the blinds or curtains open if we change our clothes. Nudity, even in private, is scandalous. Women who are known to have a drink or socialize are suspect. The real kicker is that most of these behaviors are ignored or over looked - until a woman is raped. Then, suddenly any behavior is reason she "deserved" it.

The problem with this line of thinking is that it prevents our society from addressing the phenomena of rape as it truly exists and it allows individuals to blame the wrong party for the crime.

And this is why rape is oppression. I know that people around the country are talking about the issues of oppression as the Jena 6 situation is rehashed and reexamined. Racism is oppression. And so is rape. As you talk about the Jena 6 situation, remember that oppression is one of those ills we, as a society, have been combating for generations. All oppressions. But, we must be honest with ourselves about the perpetrators of oppression - and the victims. We can't come to conclusions and remedies until we first see the issue clearly.

swimming upstream

My agency recently undertook a change in our prevention programming. In the past, we specialized in the one time, twenty minute program to anyone who would give us a room and an audience. It wasn't the most effective "prevention" tool - but it was a great way to help people in our communities know help existed and wasn't at all scary.

Now, we are creating - out of thin air - new programs designed to work with high risk populations to create attitude and behavior changes. Also, rather than telling women and children to confine their activities or change their functioning to avoid rapists, we are working to make parents more responsible for looking after their children and teaching men that rape is bad. It's exciting, but it also means that it's something of a crap shoot. If we knew exactly why people commit sexual crimes - then it would be so much easier to prevent.

So, last night our Prevention Coordinator went to a community forum on alcoholism in order to see how the community reacts and considers problems of this scope. She was horrified when a medical doctor dismissed prevention efforts as "they have their place, but they are largely ineffective."

Sigh.

If the local community thinks that you can't prevent alcoholism - what chance do we have to convince them that rape is not part of the normal relationship between the sexes?

Exploiting Women, keeping the profits

As always, you can find my source article by clicking the title.

You know how the Miss America Pageant likes to say they don't exploit women or encourage women to define themselves only by their physical attributes because they are the largest scholarship source for young women in the country? Well, apparently, NOT.

The article cites how pageant winners who try to collect their award scholarships, find red tape, fine print, closed up organizations, and unreturned phone calls.

I don't know for a fact, but have always heard that there are profits to be made in pageants. It seems to me that the fact that so many young women find that the scholarships they earned through pageant participation don't actually exist to be proof positive that many of these pageants are exactly what the critics say they are -- opportunities for individuals to make profits off the bodies of women.

BOOO. HISSS.

Friday Fun Client Stories

What a long, busy week. Meetings - trainings - client calls - more than the usual hubbub. I suspect we have hit that point in which most productivity is achieved --- you know - that magical time between the end of summer and the holidays. Pretty much, from early September to Halloween is the most productive time of the year.

Here is this week's client story.

One of the aspects of victimization that bothers folks the most is just how the event totally consumes the victim's life. Intrusive thoughts - being "on guard" all the time (not just in case the perp is encountered but also other people's reactions both good and bad). Lots of times when victims shut down or insist they don't want to continue working with the court system it's because really they just want their lives back without every waking moment being about the rape.

Several years ago, I had a client in the ER who experienced the type of rape we are taught to fear most. It was a terrifying and violent assault. The perpetrator threatened her young child with serious injury to buy her cooperation. But, she used her smarts and managed to get him out of her house before he harmed her child or had the opportunity to harm her more than he already had.

Also, she was one of those rare victims who was very expressive in her pain. She wailed. You know how you read about women grieving and the wailing and tearing of hair and beating of breast? This is what I saw with her. It may have been the only client I've ever had who was that visibly upset in front of us.

After the rape, she would come to my office and curl up on our couch and cry for 45 minutes. She didn't want to cry in front of her children - but she felt like she had to "let it out." As you can imagine, she got tired of being this sad, this upset constantly.

Then, her child provided her with a distraction. The child shoved a popcorn hull up her nose and it got stuck. My client spent a day going from doctor to doctor looking for someone who could remove it. Finally, late in the afternoon - she found a doctor willing to remove it. Later, she told me that she realized that the whole day she was running around to doctors, she wasn't thinking about the rape. She realized that it felt good to set it aside for just a few hours.

The next week, when the child did it again - she knew which doctor to visit. And, it was the last time they had pop corn in their household for quite some time.

Not just dealing with the "system" . . . .

There is a link to an example article in the title -- if you want to go there.

One of the problems with helping college students who are raped is that they aren't just reporting one crime, they are taking on a huge system - some times single handedly.

First, most rapes on a college campus involve people who know each other. Also, they quite frequently involved heavy drinking. Add into the mix the circumstances are often not the sort of activities students really relish admitting to their parents -- heavy drinking, partying, sexual games, tiny bits of clothes, hiring of strippers, porn, etc.

Second, when a student reports a rape in college, they have two judicial systems to work with most of the time - the local criminal courts and the campus judicial boards. The goals and operations of the two groups are often exactly opposed to each other, too.

Thirdly, it is nearly impossible to keep the identity of the victim or alleged perpetrator secret in such a small environment. Even when students attend schools that are small towns, this sort of gossip and information spreads quickly. People are quick to make judgements and proclaim those judgements regardless how foolish, flimsy, or ignorant their information or knowledge of the case is. Very often, the logic is something as simple as "gee, that guy sat next to me in stats class two semesters ago, and he never tried to rape me - so she must be lying." I'm not kidding - that is frequently the level of thought that goes into "on the street" judgements. It becomes even more difficult when the accused is someone well known - like a popular fraternity member or athlete.

And, lastly - at least for this post - we are often dealing with people who have self esteem issues or new to adulthood or haven't yet fully formed their values. College students often come to campus with their own childhood abuse, substance abuse, mental health, etc issues. Adding a sexual assault to the mix can sometimes lead to incredible confusion and wavering resolve about pursuing charges.

I haven't yet figured out how exactly to meet all the needs of college student clients. They have so many stresses on them to begin with - they are being asked to navigate through a very complex and sometimes contradictory system, and sometimes can't help but feel as if the whole of the university community, the fraternity system, the athletic department, and/or the whole world is against them at the same time. I'm never surprised when victims want to "stop cooperating" with the justice system. I don't blame them. No matter how often we answer the phone, hold their hands, or reassure them that they are doing the right thing - we can only be next to them - in the end, this is a battle they have to be ready for themselves. And, that's asking the world.

One Thing I learned . . . more to come

The link to the web site is in the title.

During one of the conference lunches - we watched the movie War Zone by film maker and activist Maggie Hadleigh-West. It is an in-your-face confrontation of cat calling, crude comments, and other aggressive street behavior men display towards women. It is graphic, and at times scary and other times heart breaking.

If you go to the web site - you can watch a trailer for the film.

I took quite a few notes/observations during the film - but the one I was most struck by was that the behavior of men who harass women on the street are behaving exactly the way pedophiles behave. Pedophiles will tell you that they will engage many children in their search for the one who will respond to them. That becomes the child they target for sexual attentions/abuse.

Men who cat call random women on the street are functioning in the same mind-set and behavior pattern as pedophiles -- which is terrifying.

In the movie, Maggie comments that for years her mother told her to beware of strangers, and it was some time before she realized what her mother really meant was to be aware of men.

Sad that we must raise our daughters to fear the world around them - and that we can't, at the same time, be candid and honest about what exactly they should fear either.

National Conference

I'll be away for the rest of the week - attending the national conference. YAY! I'll be learnin' me something. I can't say what, but something.

Heh heh.

Pleasantly surprised

The community in which I live supports a small university. For the longest time, this school was little more than a regional school that drew students primarily from the surrounding counties. There were a few "outside" students -- but not many. It was, until recently the very definition of a "suitcase college."

A few years ago they recruited a new chancellor who had growth on his mind. (Truth be told, he saw this school as a stepping stone in his career and didn't much care what he did to people or the community so long as he moved up the ladder of his life.) For those who aren't terminally geeky - there is a population bubble of college aged folks -- so, colleges have been scrambling to expand and attract these extra kids to their schools. The big name schools, as always, can pick and choose the students they want - but the small regional schools have to find ways to attract kids.

The new chancellor decided that football would be the golden ticket. He has been talking football since he arrived. Even when people pointed to the million dollars to field a team, the multiple millions to build facilities, and the financial drain to maintain it all - he pushed and pushed and pushed. This year, they finally got football. Even though the chancellor has raised student fees at least twice to support it. And, he diverted funds from 14 new faculty positions to support it. And, there doesn't seem to be a stable long term plan for sustaining it. This weekend, they played football on campus.

I braced myself for what I assumed would happen. This school is already known for its' party atmosphere - which has only gotten worse over the years. I assumed I wouldn't sleep through the weekend because I'd be called to the ER to assist a student who had too much to drink and became a target for a perv.

And, I wasn't. Nothing. No calls. Nary a beep. Nada. Zip. Of course, lots of kids don't report immediately - so I'm not getting comfortable yet. And, just because no one showed up in the ER doesn't mean a rape didn't happen - it could just mean that it went unreported. Which worries me more.

A little something different for Friday

I actually thought up a good "Friday fun client story" yesterday . . . but then, a thing on television made me decide to table it.

And, I'm hoping to get some input from folks - or at least get a conversation started.

What would your DREAM JOB be? Now think - not just some fanciful "beer taster" -- consider the good and bad aspects of any job before you say it. My husband says that his dream job would be to arrange educational seminars for the national Holocaust museum. He wants to work in an environment that respects and appreciates his intellectual abilities, with other people who are interesting and intellectually stimulating, and within a subject/area he finds particularly interesting.

I thought about it pretty much all evening - and I really and honestly could not think of a job I'd honestly rather have than the one I do now. I'd like to have a bit more respect from my community. Perhaps a bit more pay. But, by and large, I wouldn't swap jobs.

There is a second part to the question - and this is left over from about a year ago. For the past year or so, my agency has struggled financially. Although all the "blame" doesn't rest in one place, it has been easier for me to direct all my angst towards a particular group. I feel that this group doesn't respect my agency (or me) the way we deserve to be respected. It's been a long year of bitterness and growing as a person.

So, in the midst of all this angst, I read about a foundation that gives non-profit leaders the money to take a sabbatical for themselves. It's something like, oh say, $50,000.00 plus money to pay for your replacement, and the requirement is that you must do something different from your job for 4-6 months to develop yourself and renew yourself. Just as I was reading this online, my husband happened into my office and found me in tears. Just the thought that someone would pay me to take time to renew myself was just too overwhelming at the moment. Heck, I'm misting up now just thinking about it.

I knew immediately what I'd do with a sabbatical like this . . . I'd take cooking classes in exotic places -- like Italy and Mexico and Paris.

So, today, discuss amongst yourselves . . . What would your dream job be and why? And, if someone were to give you $50,000 to spend 4-6 months doing something other than your job to renew your own spirit, what would it be?

Sad Trend

Naturally, because we are concerned with human welfare in this office, we are interested in issues surrounding parenting and helping parents keep their kids safe.

One of the trends I see more and more that makes me sad is how much media is devoted to giving parents information about basic parenting. Right now, I have a "Born Learning" poster over my desk - that urges parents to do things like "talk, sing, and read" to your child and establish a regular routine for the household.

I always assume such is something that would come "naturally" to parents. I was read to everyday when I was a child. I have lost my own voice more times than I can count reading to children.

Today, a co-worker found a book online on parenting. It had such complex suggestions like "ask your child how school went that day" and "have clean clothes for them." Again, if you can haul yourself out of bed and get dressed each day, wouldn't normalish conversation and clean clothes be something a parent would think of on their own?

Not only is this a sad trend -- but I also wonder if those parents who already do everything they can think of to create a safe, warm, and loving home but still find themselves struggling or fighting battles everyday -- what do they think? Is it really helpful to hear "sing to your child" when your child is slamming doors and screaming "I hate you"?

Surely, our society can offer parents more support than that. Surely.

I "respect" Bob Herbert

As always, the link to the article in question is in the title.

I want to make up t-shirts that have " I respect Bob Herbert" on them. I don't want the cutsy heart because it would be too confusing and reek of exploitation. But, I really think this guy gets it. Not just "women's" issues - but issues concerning how some humans treat other humans.

In this article - he reacts to the Mayor of Las Vegas being nearly gleeful at the thought of how much money his city could make if they legalized prostitution. Herbert points out that in many respects, Las Vegas is the epicenter of sexual exploitation in the US. It's disheartening to think that this Mayor completely disregards the real face of sexual exploitation and prostitution in his city -- or the costs to his city because child abuse, runaways, drugs, violence, and gang activity all run in the same cesspool as prostitution and the sex work of Vegas.

This article has me envisioning the whole of Vegas sliding in to hell in the "handbasket" my grandmother use to cite -- with the Mayor like a cherry on top. sigh.

Friday Fun Client Stories

Karma comes in all packages - and usually when you don't expect it.

This morning - I pulled up to my office, to see a big ol' caddy out front. I usually am the first person in the office in my downtown location, so this was a surprise to me. As I parked, I saw that it was a client from many many many years ago. She smiled and waved really big. As I got out of my car, she said "I have lots of stuff for you" - and she showed me her back seat. It was literally piled high with bags and bags of toiletries.

She was a client we saw in the Emergency Room in the early days of our agency. Back then, she was a mother of children ranging from teens to toddlers, and was kidnapped and raped at gun point on Mother's Day. (Just a side note: we've had more clients in the ER on Mother's Day than any other holiday. I know that in the world of Domestic Violence, Super Bowl Sunday is the day they see the most violence. Mother's Day and the Super Bowl? That's a tad obvious, isn't it?) We went to court with her - held her hand while testimony was given, paced the halls while the jury deliberated, and wilted with relief when he was convicted on all counts.

She says that she never forgot what we did for her during those dark days. This summer, after seeing an article about our agency, she decided to undertake a project for us. She went to her church, all people who knew about her rape, and asked them to collect toiletries for us to give to victims we see in the ER. (When someone undergoes the evidence collection process, their clothing is taken for evidence purposes. We provide those clients with a sweatsuit and toiletries so that they can clean up and feel "human" again before talking to the police.) Her church family gave us lovely scented things - full sized bottles of lotion and shampoo - the works. They were quite generous and obviously thought about what would make someone comfortable at such a time.

She's in graduate school, and a grandmother, and looked very very happy.

The blaming game

By now, most folks who give even passing attention to the media have heard the short version of the VT report.

A few of my thoughts - because I know everyone is waiting for my take, right?

I totally agree that there should be a way for different offices to communicate without worry of privacy issues. Universities have a double layer of privacy concerns - HIPPA and the Buckley Amendment. The Buckley Amendment is a privacy act concerning educational institutions. My experience with colleges and universities is that they are primarily concerned with avoiding image issues and avoiding lawsuits. It also has been my experience that universities fear law suits from accused rather than accusers.

It also seems that there isn't a particularly good plan for dealing with the odd "scary" student. Colleges generally accept that students are in a period in their lives in which they are testing boundaries, defining themselves, and experimentation. Because of this, there is a pretty high degree of "unusual" behavior that is tolerated. (I, myself, spent much of my freshman year wandering around in homemade skirts, large scarves tied up as tops, barefooted, and with flowers in my hair. I'm not kidding.) However, this kid was setting off red flags, it would seem, with everyone.

On the other hand, I also wonder how much we will ever be able to intervene effectively without specific acts. Kicking the kid out of school because his writing was disturbing would effectively be creating "thought police." And, I suspect that a good segment of our society who will find that notion seriously disturbing too.

I don't necessarily buy that the fault lies with campus police. One, police really are designed to respond to crisis rather than necessarily anticipate it. Two, initially, the police were given information that would lead them to believe that the first shooting was by someone off campus. To send a limited police force off chasing down other leads could easily have been foolish. Three, whereas most college campuses have professionalized their campus security/public safety, most campus police forces don't really do a whole lot of responding to violence anywhere close to this type of thing. They take a few rape charges - but often those involve people who are acquainted and don't often involve violence beyond the physical assault of the rape or what was necessary to subdue a victim. They may respond to occasional fights - or some dating violence. There are some restraining orders that need to be enforced. But, most of what campus police respond to is property crimes or over indulgence of substances. Police officers are human. They have their own reaction - although usually more controlled than the average person - there has to still be some level of response to that level of violence.

I really feel that the bulk of the "blame" (beyond what must, of course, be assigned to the perp) should rest with the judge who refused to involuntarily commit him. When student mental health services finally acted to protect this guy from himself and the community from him - the judge dropped the ball. The involuntary commitment order would have entered this kid into a system where he would be forced, on some level, to talk to a therapist -- and more importantly, would have made it much harder for him to obtain his weapons. Perhaps the extra hassle would have delayed his rampage - and thus given him fewer victims. Or, maybe even, helped him handle his own mind and not go shooting in the first place.

But, that's the thing -- hindsight is always sharper. And, you can't necessarily know for a fact what crime you or anyone has actually prevented.