Participating Citizen

One of the ongoing conversations in our office is what "lessons" we would like to incorporate into our prevention programming. We are big supporters of comprehensive sex education. We believe in personal responsibility. We also want to encourage responsible bystander behaviors.

By, "bystander behaviors" we mean having the courage to speak up when someone is out of line or intimidating or intentionally/unintentionally mean. We want to shape a community where people are not afraid of intervening when they seen exploitation or abuse or intimidation.

We also would like to see a society where people respond in compassionate and appropriate ways to the pain of others.

This evening I read of the college student who web broadcast his suicide. Some viewers egged him on. Some tried to talk him out of it. Some discussed if he took enough drugs to accomplish the task. Only a few tried to seek out an intervention or assistance. Sadly, they were too late.

Reading this reminded me of an incident in court recently. I was assisting a client in obtaining a restraining order. We were gathered, early, outside the courtroom. Everyone in the hallway that day was there seeking relief in situations of domestic or interpersonal abuse, violence, or intimidation. A couple was having a disagreement to one side. The voices were soft at first, but using profanity and disrespectful language. The male of the couple put his face within an inch of the female's face and started yelling profanity and threats. At first, we jumped and watched. She tried to quiet him. This, as with so many abusers, just "provoked" him more. When he started yelling again, I walked over to the one courtroom in session so I could signal to the bailiff that we needed assistance. The officers were already on the way out of the courtroom.

They separated the couple and asked the male to cool off. They moved the female into the courtroom. The male started glaring at me and muttering that "People need to stay out of other people's business." I looked him in the eye and told him that he needed to move on.

I hope that my response to get a real intervention will serve as a model for the other people in the hallway. Maybe someday they will act to get an intervention for someone else. I also feel that not only is it a responsibility of the work I do that I intervened . . . but a responsibility as a member of this community.

Vindication

From time to time, I will recommend to clients that they may want to consider the option of filing a civil suit against their perpetrator. I don't make this recommendation in all cases . . . and I'm cautious to warn that they should hold off on even speaking to an attorney until after the criminal courts are finished with the case. (Defense attorneys seem to love to gloss over the criminal actions of their clients and vilify the victim if it looks like she might gain one penny from the case. I've seen far too many cases result in not-guilty verdicts simply because the defense attorney suggested that the family of the victim might someday have some financial gain. Years ago, a case unravelled when the defense attorney claimed the 13 year old girl made up a story of being raped by her neighbor because her parents were in a dispute with the neighbor over a fence. )

Anyway, the NY Times is reporting a fantastic outcome for a civil case in Florida. I like that the jury awarded a substantial amount for medical and counseling expenses, as well as damages and money for anguish.

Sadly, it seems that too many people don't appreciate the consequences of their actions until their pocketbooks are hit.

Change

I've never been afraid of change. When I was in college I was energized by the feeling that I was standing at the brink of changes all around me. I got a reminder of that in Obama's speeches.

There were tears that welled up when I sat down with my ballot this week. I took a moment to drink in that I was about to mark a ballot for a person who not so long ago in our history couldn't even vote. And, that moment brought back a childhood memory.

I remember pretty vividly some well meaning adult telling me and my brothers (who were not adopted) "when you grow up, you could be president." And, even as a fairly young child, I remember thinking that they were just being polite by including me . . . a bi-racial, adopted, girl. . . but that they really were just talking to my brothers.

Last night, as I was finally going to bed, I remembered a friend of mine who is expecting her first child in the spring. A month ago, during a meeting, she optimistically told me that she just knew that her bi-racial baby was going to have a role model in President Obama. My last thought last night before falling asleep was that her child would never have that feeling that she or he isn't included when someone says "when you grow up, you could be president." And, maybe that's the best change.