Thursday, December 11, 2008

Just raped a girl

My husband and I had this discussion last night about professional sports. He pointed out that Plex shot himself in the leg and has been suspended from his employment without pay. But, in contrast, Kobe was charged with (and very nearly admitted) rape and the lakers flew him back and forth for games and court appearances.

I suggested that it could be a result of a number of factors at once . . . one, the difference in the culture of the NBA and the NFL . . . and the values of the commissioners. Two, Plex hurt himself and thus his team, team owners directly and Kobe just raped a girl. It's easy to say the girl may or may not have "asked for it" or that she may or may not be of lose moral character or that she's justs looking for her 15 minutes. But in the end, she's just a girl and who really cares that she was raped?

And, that is why we have so much more work to do.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Participating Citizen

One of the ongoing conversations in our office is what "lessons" we would like to incorporate into our prevention programming. We are big supporters of comprehensive sex education. We believe in personal responsibility. We also want to encourage responsible bystander behaviors.

By, "bystander behaviors" we mean having the courage to speak up when someone is out of line or intimidating or intentionally/unintentionally mean. We want to shape a community where people are not afraid of intervening when they seen exploitation or abuse or intimidation.

We also would like to see a society where people respond in compassionate and appropriate ways to the pain of others.

This evening I read of the college student who web broadcast his suicide. Some viewers egged him on. Some tried to talk him out of it. Some discussed if he took enough drugs to accomplish the task. Only a few tried to seek out an intervention or assistance. Sadly, they were too late.

Reading this reminded me of an incident in court recently. I was assisting a client in obtaining a restraining order. We were gathered, early, outside the courtroom. Everyone in the hallway that day was there seeking relief in situations of domestic or interpersonal abuse, violence, or intimidation. A couple was having a disagreement to one side. The voices were soft at first, but using profanity and disrespectful language. The male of the couple put his face within an inch of the female's face and started yelling profanity and threats. At first, we jumped and watched. She tried to quiet him. This, as with so many abusers, just "provoked" him more. When he started yelling again, I walked over to the one courtroom in session so I could signal to the bailiff that we needed assistance. The officers were already on the way out of the courtroom.

They separated the couple and asked the male to cool off. They moved the female into the courtroom. The male started glaring at me and muttering that "People need to stay out of other people's business." I looked him in the eye and told him that he needed to move on.

I hope that my response to get a real intervention will serve as a model for the other people in the hallway. Maybe someday they will act to get an intervention for someone else. I also feel that not only is it a responsibility of the work I do that I intervened . . . but a responsibility as a member of this community.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Vindication

From time to time, I will recommend to clients that they may want to consider the option of filing a civil suit against their perpetrator. I don't make this recommendation in all cases . . . and I'm cautious to warn that they should hold off on even speaking to an attorney until after the criminal courts are finished with the case. (Defense attorneys seem to love to gloss over the criminal actions of their clients and vilify the victim if it looks like she might gain one penny from the case. I've seen far too many cases result in not-guilty verdicts simply because the defense attorney suggested that the family of the victim might someday have some financial gain. Years ago, a case unravelled when the defense attorney claimed the 13 year old girl made up a story of being raped by her neighbor because her parents were in a dispute with the neighbor over a fence. )

Anyway, the NY Times is reporting a fantastic outcome for a civil case in Florida. I like that the jury awarded a substantial amount for medical and counseling expenses, as well as damages and money for anguish.

Sadly, it seems that too many people don't appreciate the consequences of their actions until their pocketbooks are hit.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Change

I've never been afraid of change. When I was in college I was energized by the feeling that I was standing at the brink of changes all around me. I got a reminder of that in Obama's speeches.

There were tears that welled up when I sat down with my ballot this week. I took a moment to drink in that I was about to mark a ballot for a person who not so long ago in our history couldn't even vote. And, that moment brought back a childhood memory.

I remember pretty vividly some well meaning adult telling me and my brothers (who were not adopted) "when you grow up, you could be president." And, even as a fairly young child, I remember thinking that they were just being polite by including me . . . a bi-racial, adopted, girl. . . but that they really were just talking to my brothers.

Last night, as I was finally going to bed, I remembered a friend of mine who is expecting her first child in the spring. A month ago, during a meeting, she optimistically told me that she just knew that her bi-racial baby was going to have a role model in President Obama. My last thought last night before falling asleep was that her child would never have that feeling that she or he isn't included when someone says "when you grow up, you could be president." And, maybe that's the best change.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Oppressions

I have refrained from really writing about the "Duke Lacrosse" case here.  I'm not directly involved in the case, I don't know anyone who is directly involved in the case, and there has been so much conflicting information in the media that it is hard to judge for myself.  

When the case was "happening" my source of information was largely the NY Times.  I've heard it discussed, and I know people in that region of the world and from time to time hear their opinions.  (By the way, you North Carolina Voters, I understand that your attorney general is using the Duke case in his re-election ads . . . which if nothing else seems in bad taste and likely to convince victims in your state that the state is unfriendly, uncaring, and not really all that nice to victims.  But, that's just my take.)

Today, we in the office watched via the internet a press conference held sometime within the past week to announce the publication of a book by the young woman in the center of the case.  I was most impressed by a professor from NC A&T University who spoke rather elegantly about the case.  

Her statements were the perfect springboard to a discussion about the intersectionality of oppressions and sexual violence.  This case isn't just about rape.  Or gender.  Or race.  Or privilege.  Or social class.  This case is about ALL OF THOSE things, and probably a few more.  

Would it be too simple to say that perhaps what really went wrong with this case, beyond the obvious, was that it challenged too many of our socially held notions and the system overheated and blew up?

Maybe the long shot of this case will be that we start working towards a meaningful conversation about the many oppressions at play in our society.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Just the Beginning

When I attempt to explain the "victim experience" to people, I often say that the assault is merely the beginning of the whole "victim experience," not the end.

The attack itself is often the scene of panic or alarm or terror. Lots and lots of women I talk to say that they worried more about being killed than they did about the rape itself. They describe that horrible, pit of your stomach feeling of realizing that you no longer have control over not being raped, you refocus your attention on surviving the attack.

But, after the attack, you have lots of rushing thoughts and conflicting impulses to contend with, immediately. Call the police? How is my family going to respond? Will I be believed? Will I be blamed? Do I blame myself? Oh god, what if I get pregnant or a disease from this? What if he comes back? Why? Why? and again, Why?

We realize that only a small percentage of victims immediately call the police and seek medical treatment. The societal myths about rape and rape victims work against that impulse. It is rare for me to see a victim who absolutely knows they did nothing "wrong." Rare. (I constantly debunk the victim's own acceptance of rape myths.)

When medical treatment is sought, we have the opportunity to both gather evidence and provide appropriate medical interventions. Medication can be given to prevent pregnancy. Medication can be given to prevent many of the sexually transmitted diseases and/or infection resulting from the assault. In recent years, the director of our emergency department and I have discussed the efficacy of offering anti-retrovirals to help prevent HIV.

This is becoming more standard as we advance our response to victims of this violent crime. So, imagine my thoughts when I read in the New York Times that in South Africa, a doctor was fired for a) offering anti-retrovirals to rape victims and b) supporting a local rape crisis center who advocated for the treatment. (Read about it here.) Now, judges have ruled that he was fired improperly. But, it took years for this ruling to happen. How many people who needed his medical care were denied it because of his humane and appropriate actions? How many rape victims shouldered the feelings of shame and guilt and blame because their victimization contributed to his firing? (Which is totally a stretch, but so often victims will blame themselves not just for the assault but the aftermath as well.)

And, how much longer will it be before "those in charge" understand that rape is not the result of the victim's actions . . . but the perpetrators? And how long before, universally, we have a society that rushes to the aid and responds to the needs of the victim rather than make their pain a political football?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Huge Leap Forward

Much stress around the office.  Lots of outreach/community education with the start of the school year.  Still waiting for a grantor to honor their contract with us.  

But, still a tad bit "work high" from a new development this week.  Years ago, I attended a wonderful workshop at the national conference about a new program to train nurses to gather forensic evidence in sexual violence cases . . . document it . . . and teach them to testify.  It was hugely successful in the communities where it was going on.  

I immediately met with the director of our Emergency Department about this cool new idea.  I had grand plans . . . a room equipped with everything we would need to perform truly excellent forensic examinations, nurses trained and available.  It was going to be cool.  Except that the hospital had plans for expanding and renovating the ED and a forensic examination room wasn't in their plans.

That was years ago.  Since then, I've tried to convince individual nurses to take the training.  But, even the few who did were frustrated by the hospital's lack of cooperation and found higher paying jobs elsewhere.

Until this week.  This week, we had a certified forensic nurse examiner perform an evidence kit . . . and she had a nurse in training with her.  I learned that there are 7 nurses in our ED who have taken the 50 hours of classroom training and are working through their 50 hours of clinicals.  The trainee nurse told me that she is hoping that in a year's time . . . they will have all kits performed by a forensic nurse examiner and possibly our exam room set up.

For those of you not aware of the forensic nurse examiner program . . . the program is open to nurses with several years of ED or women's health nursing experience.  There is extensive classroom training for everything from evidence preservation to being cross examined.  

Most clients won't necessarily realize the difference . . . except that the forensic nurses work harder to build a relationship with the victim . . . to make the evidence gathering process as much of a joint venture as possible.  And, I noticed that the nurse was a lot more patient with examining for internal trauma when usually doctors only notice it if there is blood or it is unmistakable.  

It took years and much patience, but oh my goodness is this a huge leap forward for us.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bravo

I just read an article about a 48 Hours Mystery show that is upcoming. The show features an interview with one of the boys abducted and abused by Micheal Devlin in Missouri.

I'm pretty impressed with how this case is being handled. It seems that there was a fairly quick resolution within the court system. And, from reading the young man's comments, it appears that he has had some pretty good counseling. And, it appears that it is on-going.

I was also impressed to see that his parents are stepping up and advocating for his interests. I cannot say how much I'm pleased to see that and only wish other parents were as good at protecting their children's interests.

Bravo!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Progress?

Yesterday, the topic of conversation around the water pitcher was an article I believe was on Yahoo.  The article was about a young RNC delegate who was victimized by a person they met in a bar while attending the RNC convention recently.  The delegate is an attorney, donor to the GOP, and 29 years old.  The delegate was flattered by the attentions of an attractive person.  The delegate invited their new friend up to their hotel room.  There, the new friend mixed another round of drinks, and the next thing the delegate knew, the friend was gone and so was about $50,000 worth of cash and property.

The police in the Twin Cities says he has no doubt this crime happened . . . the delegate is being very cooperative with investigators.  They believe that the delegate was slipped a "date rape" drug in the drinks mixed in the room.

Oh yeah, the delegate is male and the offender is female.  The article closes with a quote from the delegate explaining that as a single guy, he was flattered by the attentions of this attractive woman . . . and that if anything has made this humiliation worthwhile was letting people know that date rape drugs can be used on men too.

There is no mention if the victim believes he were sexually assaulted, if he is bothered by the idea he may or may not have been sexually assaulted, or if he even thinks that if sex happened (with or without his consent and/or participation) that it's even a crime.

I see cases like this all the time, but with the genders reversed.  In fact, the last ER call I personally took, the victim was a young college student who had attended her first college party and didn't realize what was in the punch.  She woke up with her underpants on inside-out and backwards and believes she was raped.  As I walked into the ER, the triage nurse asked me if it were even a rape if she doesn't know for sure she was raped?  Law enforcement has taken her statement, but isn't really concerned about finding the unknown perpetrator.

But yet, it's sexist of us to question the candidacy of Sarah Palin when she thinks rape victims ought to pay for the forensic examination and gathering of evidence in the process of reporting the crime to law enforcement?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

It's what we do. . .

Remembering back 7 years ago . . . I was attending a meeting of the executive committee of a state organization I with which I work. We were in a hotel in a small town not known for being a tourist attraction. The hotel was one that catered to business travelers. We were sitting in the hotel's "lounge" which doubled as a breakfast room in the mornings. We were eating breakfast. The big screen tv in the corner was turned to a network morning news program, and I was reading the paper. I remember wondering aloud if Micheal Jordan would find a way to make another comeback when the tv switched to the twin towers. The guy said that they couldn't confirm it, but they'd received a report that a plane had flown into one of the towers. We all looked up . . . when I saw a plane come into the picture I honestly thought it was a plane sent to check out the damage . . . since it was so high up. I was horrified and shocked to see it fly into the building too.

There were people in our group who had family, loved ones in that area of the world. We all shared cell phones to help them get in touch with people. I remember calling my husband and learned that the people in his office were already tuned in. I called my family and told my grandmother to turn on the tv because we were under attack.

We watched the coverage for a while . . . and then decided that we should try to meet until we needed to break for other reasons. (Also, we thought it would be good to help those who had not yet reached family focus on something else.) We started the meeting . . . and someone told us that the pentagon had been hit. There was a woman in our group whose husband had a meeting at the pentagon that day . . . and she was having trouble getting in touch with him. The towers came down . . . and we couldn't bring ourselves to continue the meeting.

We gathered back in the lounge to watch the endless loops of coverage. Those of us who didn't have loved ones in immediate danger took care of the others. There were people in the lounge who weren't part of our group . . . and we took care of them too. We brought them tissues and coffee . . . and sat with them. We made sure they could safely return home. I remember one man asking me how I could so easily be taking care of others, people I didn't know . . . and I remember saying "it's what we do. . ."

When we decided to leave the hotel for homes . . . we arranged for one of our group to drive the woman whose husband was at the pentagon home . . . and someone else would follow her and drive her home afterwards. We set up a phone tree to check in as people were able to reach their homes. I drove to my husband's office because, even though I knew he was safe, I still needed to be with him.

I regret that I watched the media loops over and over. After I went to bed, my husband got me up and said there was a new angle . . . it was video of the plane actually going into the building (rather than flying behind it, and not coming back out). I really regret that I saw that view because to this day, that scene still appears in my nightmares from time to time. But, that's what we do too . . . we absorb the nightmares of others. I have a loving and supportive family, and I know it's just bad memory . . . so I can withstand it. I know others gave up more . . . and still need support and understanding.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Miffed


Every time I think of Governor Palin's flip remarks, I get angry. I get angry because there is no easy way to describe every thing I, and those like me . . . on both sides of the conservative/liberal coin . . . do every single day. I do everything from recruit, screen, train, and supervise volunteers to representing my agency and my cause to my local community, to my state, and across the nation. I take out the trash and clean up when our office floods again. I get out of bed in the middle of the night to help people who have been victimized. I fill out endless paper work documenting that I documented the documentation for the tiny bits of money the government thinks victims of crime are worth.


I do this work because I believe in it. I do this work because I think it matters. I go largely unnoticed and unthanked. I get paid peanuts and most years don't get a raise. Heck, most years I have to hold my breath to see if I'm gonna get paid every month because the government takes their sweet time getting our funds to us. They expect the work to happen but don't bother to insure that the rent or phone bill is paid on time.


And she has the gall to belittle and be glib and flip about community organizers? How about this . . . if what I've chosen to dedicate my life to is so worthless or meaningless, how about she give me her blackberry number, and the next time I get a call at 3am because a 13 year old girl has been raped by her grandfather or a young woman woke up to find a stranger holding a knife to her throat . . . I'll call her to handle it while I stay warm and cozy in my bed?

Choice

Biology works, even when we don't want it to, when we aren't prepared for it, and even when it's not fair. Years ago, I heard that a state legislator announced that there was no need to be concerned about the abortion issue and incest or rape . . . because he was a doctor and he could say with medical expertise that it was not biologically possible to get pregnant when the sex was forced or unwanted.

Well, knock me over. Later I learned that the good doctor was actually a dentist . . . and had fallen in with that weird group of people who seem to think that humans really do have control over biology. These are the same people who think that if it were really a rape, then the woman's vagina would be torn up due to lack of lubrication. They have this weird theory that if the body responds the way it is biologically programmed to . . . then the woman must have secretly wanted the sex. I think these are the same weirdos who think that all women secretly want to be raped and so rape isn't really that bad a crime.

But, I've kinda veered off subject. The subject is choice. I absolutely believe that women should have the choice to decide when they become mothers. Our society demands that women be more responsible for children than men. Biologically, women must bear the possible outcomes of sexual intercourse more than men. When and with whom a woman has sex must be an issue of her decision. Use of birth control, although ideally should be a joint decision and endeavor, ultimately is a woman's choice. And, the decision to carry any pregnancy . . . intended or not . . . should be ultimately the woman's choice.

I think that all too often, people equate folks who are "pro-choice" as being "pro-abortion" and that abortion is the only issue at stake. Choice is about personal independence. Choice is about contraception. Choice is about knowing the options and making educated decisions. And, sometimes choice is about carrying or aborting an unintended pregnancy. I'm all for women carrying surprise pregnancies. If not for the SURPRISE! pregnancy, most of us . . . myself included . . . wouldn't be here. But, people who make an informed and educated decision to carry that surprise to delivery are a whole lot less likely to abandon that child in a trash can . . . are less likely to abuse that child . . . and hopefully will have spent the time between discovering the pregnancy and delivery preparing to welcome that child.

The problem with making choice a political issue is that when you refuse to give women the information they need to make good decisions . . . or you tell them that they don't have a choice . . . you are reinforcing just how second-class they are in our society. Because, choice as an issue is always aimed at women. Where are the purity rings for boys? Why don't churches have mother son nights during which sons pledge to their moms that they won't have sex, won't put a girl in the position of a surprise pregnancy until they are married? When have we seen media messages shame boys for pre-marital sex that might have resulted in an abortion?

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Trauma

Very bad behavior is a crime. We understand that and we punish accordingly. We, as a people, disapprove of stealing and hurting and other forms of misbehavior. But, over the past couple of decades, we are starting to understand that misbehavior is more than just taking that which we don't have a right to . . . it has lasting impact. Trauma doesn't go away so easily.

As I was reminded of the lasting effects of trauma yesterday when a man who works with another agency in my community was visiting our office. He said that he'd had a rough morning. When he arrived at his work place, he heard that there had been a tornado that touched down in his town a few miles away. He described calling people to verify the story and see what damages could be reported. He mentioned that he'd lived in the same town 20 some odd years ago when the town was nearly destroyed by tornadoes. Even though a life time has passed since those tornadoes . . . clearly the trauma of it still plays in his mind when the weather turns foul.

Trauma can make people react more strongly than you might expect. Trauma can lead to faulty logic and funny decisions. Trauma inflicted by people is harder to recover from than forces of nature. And, the long term trauma of being victimized sexually or physically is worthy of our society's patience.

Just something to think about.

Monday, August 25, 2008

That's what you do . . .

There is a link to the article in the title of this post.

The article is about a couple in San Antonio who tried to sell sexual access to the woman's five year old child in exchange for an apartment, a car, and day care for a 10 month old child. The article states that the mother of the 5 year old believed that the sexual abuse would be a "positive" experience for the child and she'd receive sexual gratification from watching. It also mentions that the couple, of which the male was married to another person, had plans to inflict their crazy on the 10 month old at a later date and even inflict violent crazy on a teenager.

But, keep reading. The wife of the male in this "couple" filed for a protective order to protect her 14 month old child from her husband . . . and filed for divorce. THAT'S what you do when you find out your husband is a scary, twisted, horrible person.

I'm sure there are more women or men who find themselves in similar situations . . . and we never hear about the ones who act swiftly to protect themselves and their children. I hate that this woman had to discover that the person she was building a life with could betray her in such horrible ways. . . but I applaud her for having a good moral compass.

Friday, August 22, 2008

All that Glitters?

This week, my staff and I have been following the twisted path aging rocker Gary Glitter has been taking back home.

He was convicted in Vietnam of sexually abusing 2 "pre-pubescent" girls. He spent three years in prison and was released this week. Since he is a foreign national, and a convict, Vietnam showed him the door. Mr. Glitter tried to move his road show over to Thailand but they just said no to the sex offender. He tried to avoid returning to England by first claiming that his little ears hurt, and then later faking a heart attack. (Oh, PUL-EEZE) He then boarded a flight to Hong Kong (Folks in Thailand told him that if he over stayed the 12 stay in the airport, they would jail him for immigration violations.) But, Hong Kong said they had no room for an foreign sex offender and sent him back to Thailand.

Finally, he is back in London.

Mr. Glitter says that he did not want to return to England because he would be disrespected because of his sex offender ways. Folks in England are forcing him to register as a sex offender.

Of course, I'm cynical. I don't believe that the young children he was caught sexually abusing were the first children he ever used for his own sexual gratification. Men in their 60s don't wake up one morning and decide that the one sexual experience they've never thought of before but must have before they die is sex with a young child. People who sexually offend against young children escalate their actions from fantasy, to pornography, to engaging with children for their own masturbatory uses, to abusing children. I doubt that it was by accident that Mr Glitter found himself wanting to have sex with children and JUST BY CHANCE finding himself in a country in which the sex trade makes finding a child to have sex with fairly easy. (Vietnam, Atlanta, you name it . . . the sex trade is everywhere)

I was pleased to see that even his money and/or celebrity status did not convince those other countries to take a chance on allowing him near their children. I'm glad to see that they didn't buy the logic that he'd "done his time and now deserved a second chance." When it comes to people who sexually abuse children, a second chance could mean more children's lives destroyed. Our society absolutely needs to monitor, closely, sex offenders . . . because once convicted, they are no longer innocent . . . the children in our society at least deserve that we will do what we can to control the offenders we already know about.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Deep, dark secret

I don't know what other folks imagine when they think of medical personnel. Sympathetic types who went into medicine to heal people? People who are selfless and giving? Money hungry misfits?

I think there is a little of all of those in most medical types. I think that it's often true that the passion that brings you to a profession very often is killed off by the reality of that profession.

One aspect of the work I do is how amazed I am at how easily medical people can be good or bad . . . without really even trying. When people who have experienced violation and abuse seek medical help, they are terribly needy . . . rightfully so. They need not only good medical response, but they need hand holding and care and compassion. Some days, it's too much to ask for a nurse or a doctor to let someone else's pain in so that the needs are met.

However, one thing I notice that always annoys me is when a doctor doesn't want to do their job and make clients suffer because they put it off thinking someone else will fill in.

Case in point . . . lately, my agency has responded to several ER calls involving child or young teen victims. And, it has been a struggle to get doctors to perform the pelvic exam necessary to complete the evidence gathering and/or medical treatment needed.

Most doctors who work in our ER are not specially trained for ER work. Most take a shift or two each month, and there are a few who work more consistently. Most ER doctors have little desire to perform gyno exams on any patient . . . less so on a child. The problem is, the longer they delay or hope they can outlast the shift and another doctor have to do it . . . the longer the child and her/his family have to wait . . . the longer law enforcement have to wait . . . and the more time the perpetrator has to come up with their cover story or leave town or harass the victim and their family.

But, this isn't confined to just ER doctors. I've had mothers tell me that when they have taken their children to their regular pediatricians, they were told that they didn't do "that kind" of exam. I'm blown away at the thought that pediatricians try to avoid going genital exams on children. Um, were all the test child dolls in medical school sans genitals?

It's just one of the frustrations of this work.

Monday, August 11, 2008

A step backwards

I've been mulling a blog post in my brain for a while now, but haven't managed to put fingers to keyboard yet. However, today, a news article caught my attention that has me wanting to fire off a quick post.

A news story from Ohio says that the catholic church there has issued new guidelines to their priests as to what behavior is and is not appropriate with children. Forbidden now is hugging, kissing, wrestling, lap sitting, etc. Permitted still are handshakes, high fives, and pats on the back.

Now, I'm all for creating clear understanding of what is and isn't appropriate behaviors. And, I am all for protecting children and especially can see the long reaching harm from sexual abuse from within a church.

However, I think we as humans have stepped backwards in our development if we can no longer distinguish between sexualized touch and affection, human support, or appropriate touching.

I don't think I've ever been handed a friend's baby to hold during which I have been able to resist kissing its' little noggin. Last week, while a co-worker and I were working with a local group of camp kids . . . one child spontaneously hugged my co-worker . . . which quickly turned into a group hug. The child initiated it . . . nothing inappropriate happened, and it probably was the right amount of physical contact to help the children feel safe, secure, and cared for in their world.

I would hate to see children lose that aspect of church and spiritual development. I know that members of a church, and ministers develop an often deep, intimate relationship with their spiritual leaders. I'd like to think that in a church, especially one in which there is so much screening, education, and training for the spiritual leaders, would be able to have a more meaningful dialog with their employees. I'd like to think that rather than making children feel unloved and alienated, the church could offer more meaningful supervision and guidance to their leaders.

But, that's me, clearly.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Cheated

We respond to a lot of young teen victims. I actually feel a particular affinity for these clients. Perhaps because I remember pretty well the frustration of wanting to be grown up and at the same time having rules I didn't understand holding me back, as well as a healthy dose of being totally clueless.

With so many of these, mostly girls, I see kids who may or may not have adequate supervision from their parents . . . or I see that they have, already at such young ages, been asked to absorb so many problems well beyond their own levels of maturity. And, I see girls who want to be grown up and men who will tell them whatever they want to hear for a bit of action.

When I talk to girls, I try to convey . . . and as I get older, I suspect I'm less convincing . . . that jumping straight from meeting a guy, flirting a bit, to having sex is skipping over a lot of fun stuff. It's fun to have a crush . . . to wait for the phone call . . . to walk on cloud 9 because he did call . . . to have him hold your hand . . . that first nervous kiss. Being a teen is hard enough without cheating yourself out of the stuff that makes being a teen fun.

I also try to address my idea that decent guys wouldn't ask you to break rules, get in trouble with parents (or police/DSS), ask you to risk getting pregnant or an STD. I try to convince girls that one of the reasons 22 year old guys are interested in 13 year old girls is because girls their own age expect them to be adults and 13 year olds don't expect much. I point out that if I'm a 20 year old girl dating a 20 year old boy, I expect him to have a job, to be in school, to call when he says he is . . . to show up on time . . . and to be honest, reliable, etc. Whereas, if I'm a 13 year old girl dating a 20 year old guy . . . any attention he pays is enough . . . even if he's selling drugs or not working or disrespectful of me, my family, and friends.

I'm not really advocating a return to "past values." I'm really not. There are all kinds of problems with the power dynamic created by the "traditional" dating. But, I'm thinking some mutual respect and shared power in a relationship has to be better than 13 year olds being labeled "problem" children and arrested for "running away" when they were lured by men who should know better. I'm also frustrated by the trend I see in these cases, where we assign more responsibility and blame to the kid who got caught up in feeling grown up than the adult who manipulated and acted criminally.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

"Cherry Picking"

Yeah, I like crime TV. Although, my husband refuses to watch any fictional work that includes a sexual assault because I always end up pointing out the errors or inconsistencies. I find it a bit maddening that rarely are Rape Victim Advocates included in story lines . . . and when they are, it is always as an obstruction or potential victim.

Tonight, The Closer fell back on a favorite story line for rape cases. The group of white, upper-middle class boys who rape girls as part of a bet or competition. Most crime shows eventually use this story line. Generally, this story line can make the boys out to be unsympathetic creatures while appealing to adults who see victims as either wholly innocent or "asking for it." And, there is usually some power dynamic involved, some extra layer of entitlement to really add to the story line.

The Closer got a few details right . . . in the real world, there is a small subset of men who rape . . . but they have multiple victims. Also, in the real world, surrounding the group of rapists are "facilitators" who assist the perps in gaining access to victims and/or help them get away with it. Surrounding the facilitators are bystanders . . . they may be vaguely aware of what is going on . . . or not . . . and they have power to reinforce a group norm or not.

The fact of the matter is, rarely are perpetrators wholly evil and rarely are victims wholly innocent or "asking for it." When we as a society can have a more realistic grasp on what the real issues around rape are . . . perhaps we can create real responses and preventions.

For more information about the realities about young, middle class folks involved in rape culture, check out this video/research.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Woman Centered

I'm kinda an "old school" feminist. I had early childhood experiences in the San Francisco Bay area in the early 1970s. I told my father he was a male chauvinist pig for the first time when I was 8 years old (because he wanted me to dry dishes while he and my brothers watched tv). I remember seeing my mom's belly dancing group perform in parks on Saturdays.

I appreciate the woman centered experience.

Today I read a blog entry from a crew member of the Anthony Bourdain show No Reservations. The producer is a woman, her chief assistant is a woman, and their recent televised show was filmed in Saudia Arabia . . . and was largely led by a couple of Saudi women. You can read the entry here.

This is what I appreciate about the blog entry . . . and the fact of the conditions described. Here is a society that is uber male oriented/dominated. And, yet, the women have found a way to create woman centered times/intimacy in the midst of it. I have to appreciate that.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Irony

Being in a small, southern town, I sometimes am a bit behind when it comes to learning of the scandalous news stories. I read the NY Times when I can, I read several blogs . . . some feminist, others for pure fun. I've seen the site Jezebel . . . but was off put by the sordid sex details.

So, today, I see in a blog I read that there has been quite the uproar over two of the Jezebel writers who made a drunken appearance on Lizz Winstead's show "Thinking and Drinking."

I've always liked Lizz Winstead . . . she is smart and funny and I'm willing to believe her version of the events. You can see her reaction to the show and clips from the show here.

The women ramble on about the issue of rape. I think they went off the rails by over personalizing rather than speaking about the issue. One woman, who is a self proclaimed "slut" says that she has never been raped. But, I suspect that she is really declaring that she has never had an experience that she felt terrified her sufficiently to define it as rape. I found her statement that she may have never been raped because she's "smart" particularly offensive. The other woman talks of her own rape experiences . . . she is obviously saddened by the stories, but then trivializes them by saying that she didn't want the hassle of reporting the rapist and she had important things like drinking to do.

This became the topic of conversation in our office. I believe the consensus was that as women who make their livelihood from writing about feminist issues, they do, indeed, have a responsibility to choose their words more carefully. The two dangers I see in their attitudes are a) that a victim viewing this will feel even more shamed by their cavalier attitudes and be even less inclined to seek comfort and support and b) they give fuel to the people who think that rape is exaggerated and that women are just whining when it's really not so bad.

We also came to the conclusion that we don't embrace the brand of feminism that seems to say "if you can't fix it, join it." I have seen young women behave in ways that can only be described as mimicking what they imagine to be men's behavior. They shut down their own sense of boundaries, and seem to believe that being a "slut" is an expression of their feminism. I'm all for people choosing the lifestyle they believe fulfills them as people . . . but too often I see the young women continue to be unhappy with their relationships and themselves. Living a sexually "open" lifestyle takes work and a very highly developed sense of boundaries. Acting as if you should be sexually available to anyone without regard for your own wants, needs, and feelings isn't choosing a lifestyle . . . it's giving up.

But, back to the Jezebel women . . . one of the young women who was in the audience wrote about the performance and her disappointment in her "feminist heroes" in her personal blog. One of the Jezebel women left a comment on her blog, and the young woman backed down in her criticism. Their excuse for their socially irresponsible behavior? They were drunk.

Monday, June 30, 2008

The Problem with Children

Last week was an interesting week for children and sexual abuse. We've been discussing the supreme court decision and contrasting it with the 16 city sweep of sex traffickers.

We are torn on the issue of the death penalty for people who rape young children. On one hand, we all wish we lived in a culture where the death penalty was not necessary or a consideration. We also all believe that the death penalty is not a deterrent to crime. But, we also acknowledge that there are some offenders who are so terrible and have such a long history of vicious attacks on our society . . . that we don't want our tax dollars keeping them alive.

Most of us in the office understand an economic argument for the death penalty. Our society has limited resources . . . and unfortunately, we have to pick and choose those issues and groups of people we will devote resources towards. It happens all the time. Every time we cut free lunches or supportive services to communities with big military deployments . . . we are deciding who deserves our resources and who doesn't.

At the same time this ruling was made . . . federal officials were rescuing trafficked children. If anyone deserves to "disappear" from the planet . . . I think it would be someone who sexually enslaves children for profit, no?

Friday, June 20, 2008

Closing out

This week, as the fiscal year (for those who know our office, shall I say "physical" . . . it's a joke with our staff because we run into so many folks who "out rank" us who insist on pronouncing "fiscal" as "physical" . . . and we decide to let that get on our nerves rather than, you know, like rape and stuff.)

Anyway, back on subject, the staff is working to close out cases . . . figure out which client files can be put in the locked filing cabinet that only I have a key to as opposed to the locked filing cabinet our client services folks have keys to.

I was struck by the contrasts of two cases I closed out yesterday. One involved a woman who reported sexual harassment, including 3rd degree sexual assault, in her work place. She told her supervisor what happened immediately . . . the supervisor referred her to our office and their internal HR office. (the right thing). We offered support, information . . . and she decided to file a grievance with HR. Her file notes say that HR did absolutely everything right. They listened to her . . . reassured her that they would do everything to keep the matter private . . . reprimanded the harasser . . . offered the client a change of job to minimize repeated contact with the perp . . . and kept her well informed of the case as it was handled. She was able to resume her day to day work in a short time and feels confident and secure in her job. YAY!

Then, the contrasting case was one of a young woman who initially reported a rape by a family member. The worker noted that the behavior of the client's mother seemed a tad inappropriate but that the client seemed to take it in stride so the worker said nothing about it. Later, the victim recanted her story. But, the condition of her recanting is chilling. She revealed that her youngest child (an infant) was fathered by her father. This case is working it's way through our court system and that her older child was fathered by her stepfather in another state. Apparently the case of that sexual abuse is winding it's way through another state's court systems.

What was even more chilling than the prospect of this child being forced to bear and care for children who were results of sexual violence . . . was that her mother had forced her to make up the most recent rape report. The mother's logic was that if the girl falsely reported a rape, was caught having falsely reported rape . . . then the case against the stepfather (who is also the mother's current husband) would be dropped because the girl would gain the reputation as having lied about being raped. We were sick over it. We are still helping her. And, suggested to the officer that perhaps an investigation into the mother might do some good.

On one hand, we have the perfect case . . . and on the other one in which everything has gone wrong from a long time ago. Hopefully, this time next year, I'll be more hopeful about the second case.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Vacation and back again

I recently took a real vacation. Not family obligation tour. Not a day or two off to get tasks accomplished around the house. A real vacation. Flying . . . taxis . . . . all new restaurants.

It was actually kind of nice to, for several days in a row, not be "rape crisis lady." I think I got through the entire vacation without once telling anyone what I do for work, and what exactly that means.

And, the first night back, I took an ER call. Nothing like a stark reminder of the two sides of life. In this particular case, the most notable part was we actually had a woman doctor in the ER! I can't remember how long it has been since that has happened. And, I remember thinking during all of the goings on that there was such a tremendous difference between the female doctor and the men. This doctor apologized to the victim for asking her to repeat her story AGAIN . . . she got the speculum in with a single, smooth motion, and she worked quickly while keeping the victim well informed of her actions. Before examining the victim, she made sure the victim had a safe home to return to after the exam was over.

It was a nice way to remember why we do this work . . . and I is always renewing for me to see women working together for another who has been hurt.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Imagine

I'm going to give some prompts . . . I want you to form a mental picture of three things . . . the victim, the perp, and the situation.

Imagine I told you that I spent 4 hours this morning in the ER with a victim. What do you imagine for the victim? the perp? the situation that led to the rape?

Now, imagine I tell you that the victim was a 51 year old woman. Do your mental pictures change any? What if I say she's 15? Or 9? Or 22? What if I say that the accused perp were 15? or 22? or 51? Or 9?

What if I told you that this woman was hispanic? Any changes? What if I told you she were middle eastern? Anything change? What if I told you the perp were white? Not white? Foreign?

What if I told you that I saw a woman in the ER who was disabled? Does your mental picture change? Would it change if I told you she were a veteran? Or homeless? Or had a history of arrests for prostitution? Or was a nun? What if I told you the perp were homeless? Or a known criminal? Or had a long history of mental illness? Or was a well respected community leader?

It is difficult to not let the mental picture change. I admit that when the pager goes off, and I speak to the ER charge nurse . . . some descriptions immediately bring more or less flattering mental pictures. For example, when I hear it's a college student, I have to force myself to not assume the student was intoxicated. Or, if I hear that it is an elderly woman . . . I have to tell myself to keep an open mind about the victim's ability to advocate for herself.

The problem is that for too many people, the worth of the victim and her/his experience is weighed by the labels we can attach to the victim. If the victim is a teen, many people will assume she is lying. If the victim has a history of substance abuse or prostitution or criminal activity . . . many folks will just dismiss the victim's experience all together.

We need to keep in mind that rape isn't JUST a gender issue. It encompasses how we feel about people who are different from us. Race, class, ethnicity, abilities, age, etc all play a part in how our society regards and reacts to victims.

We need to remember that the label "victim" is all we need to be compassionate in our response.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Fall out

I'm concerned what the ruling in the Texas polygamy case is going to do to child protective services all over the country.

The OJ Simpson case taught law enforcement to be more cautious about arresting quickly. Especially just after the case . . . and the televised lashing handed out to police in that trial . . . I saw law enforcement worry about building an "air tight" case before arresting suspects. The problem is that sometimes, that would take weeks, and victims were left feeling unheard and scared for their lives.

The Duke case has made law enforcement a bit skittish if the victim isn't a "good victim" . . . meaning someone with a record so clean they could run for public office.

Now, seeing the state of Texas claim that the children on the ranch weren't in "immediate danger" and that the rescuing of those children invalid . . . I'm afraid that it will be even harder for children across the country to be rescued.

I don't see how the state of Texas had any choice . . . given the information they had . . . but to take those children. Most states are mandated to protect the children in their state from abuse . . . emotional, physical, sexual, and abandonment. In any state in the country, if Child Protective Services received a call from a teen ager saying she'd been forced into a marriage, forced to bear children, and was being physically abused . . . they would have to intervene. In my state, we first try to get a non-offending parent to take responsibility for the child's safety. Meaning, boot the offender out . . . prevent further abuses, and tend to the child's healing. If the non-offending parent is unavailable or unable or unwilling to take on that responsibility, then the state must, at least temporarily, take custody of the child.

I'm afraid that this case being over turned is going to have ripple effects across the nation . . . and that the people who will suffer are children in the most desperate of circumstances.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Missed the point

The other day a friend told me of her child's latest fear. The night before, as they were wrapping up the sleepy time ritual, the child became terrified. She didn't want her mother to leave her side. She tearfully explained that she was afraid someone would take her, put her in a cave, and give her bad lollipops.

My friend was at a loss. She ended up holding her child's hand until well after 1am when the child finally went to sleep.

I asked if "stranger danger" had been presented at pre-school. The mother said it had. Clearly, there is a line between teaching children caution and scaring the ever-loving crap out of them.

For pre-school aged children, I would have suggested that the school meet with all the parents and present a program of information about the realities of child safety with a discussion about steps parents can take to better supervise, select better baby sitters, and be more proactive in the overall safety of their children. If a program were presented to children, I would have wanted it to be more empowering and up beat . . . for 3 year olds.

This event followed on the heels of a story a client told me about her church's program on child abuse. She said that they showed all the women in the church a video. In the video the man she described as the "bishop" explained to the women that they way they could insure that their men not sexually abuse their baby girls was for mothers to never allow fathers to change diapers. Apparently, simply viewing a baby's genitals during a routine diaper change is enough to make any man lose all control over their passions.

Somewhere along the line, we are missing the point.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Annoyance

While doing the daily scan for headlines concerning sexual violence issues, I found a story about an international hunt for a suspected child rapist. The man in question was arrested, and admits to having traveled to a third world country for the purpose of having sex with young boys. A search of his home turned up 1,000 sexually explicit photos of children and little boy underpants, including at least one pair the suspect described as being a souvenir from his "date" over seas.



But, it gets better . . . this guy made his living entertaining at children's parties and playing santa.

My annoyance comes in from the neighbors and acquaintances quoted in the story about the arrest . . . and I see this sort of thing all the time locally. They all say that he was a wonderful guy and the best santa ever and that he never molested their children so they can't believe these charges are true.

When people express sentiments like this . . . they are working several things at once. They want to reassure themselves that their children weren't victimized and they are trying to wrap their brains around the fact they didn't spot the pervert from 100 yards. But, saying things like this can work to silence victims and their families as well as legitimize the deviant behaviors practiced by people like this guy.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Boundaries

One of the requirements of any type of social work is to have boundaries. I have maintained that doing this sort of work is a life style choice rather than just a job. At the same time, that also means there is a fine line between being available when needed and having no boundaries.

At the same time, I will admit that I am probably harder on student interns than any other group I work with. When my agency accepts an intern, we put a lot of work into that internship. Our whole staff has to make room for helping the student have the most valuable learning experience. Students who are seeking a direct service experience must complete volunteer training before their internship semester. We also require that interns be on call during the work week during their internship semester. We do this because it is the one way we can insure that they get several opportunities to respond to ER calls. But, there are also some pretty significant responsibilities that come with this sort of work. I have to be confident that anyone representing our agency can live up to the responsibilities.

The point to all this was to wind up to a rant. Recently, I received a call from a college student seeking an internship opportunity. She called outside normal business hours. When I responded to the message on my pager, I called back and left a message that I would be in the office the next day and stressed the business hours of our office. I thought that would be hint enough.

But, within 10 minutes, she called me back by hitting redial with her caller ID. This meant that she called my home back. I explained that she'd called my home, that my message clearly asked her to call the office during office hours, and that it was inappropriate for her to call me back at home this way.

Well, several days later, and she has not called back. I have to say, it's a good thing . . . she wouldn't have gotten an internship with us anyway. I am a stickler for following simple instructions. And, I expect students to conduct themselves professionally . . . especially since they are practicing skills they will need once they start doing this work for pay.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

BOO, HISS

One of the top reasons victims say they decide not to report a sex crime is because they fear everyone finding out. And, in "everyone" finding out . . . they fear the reactions they will be forced to face. The disbelief . . . the stupid questions . . . the taking sides . . . or even more violence.

My office is vigilant to keep an eye on the crime reports in our local paper . . . should they give too much detail. And, more than once, we have reacted to help our local paper better walk the line between reporting news and being sensitive to victims.

So, imagine my annoyance when I read that the gossip mongers TMZ have published a story in which they name a sex crime victim. They name the victim because apparently, he is the son of someone famous. The victim isn't famous beyond his parentage.

There are a variety of problems with this . . . one, more and more I see "mainstream" media reporting the stories that TMZ has reported . . . and used the logic that since TMZ has already named names . . . it is okay for them to do it too. Also, this sort of exposure leaves the victim and his family open to all kinds of nut jobs and wackos thinking that they now have a say or a stake in the story. At a time when the family needs healing and good assistance . . . they will find themselves hounded by relentless photographers. And lastly, especially with my younger clients . . . sometimes people out in the various communities don't understand the differences between media reports and what happens in their own communities. I wonder how many teenagers are now going to be afraid to come forward and ask for assistance because they see a victim's face being smeared all over the internet and television?

TMZ was irresponsible and mean. And, their actions will have a ripple effect across many many communities. Thanks a hell of a lot, TMZ.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Another thing

I like to joke in my office that I'm "slow on the uptake" sometimes. It's because I often think of the issue that is at the heart of the matter sometime later. I take comfort in knowing that I do consider issues beyond the initial conversation . . . and I'm not at all bothered by the fact that it often takes some reflection to really take in the whole situation.

Initially Miley Cyrus said that she was pleased with the artistic nature of the photos and thought they were good. After the media firestorm started swirling, she gave an interview that contained a prepared statement saying that she is now embarrassed over the pictures.

First of all, it sounds a bit canned. I suspect that the embarrassment is really more an issue of being in the Disney stable. Second, why haven't her parents or manager come to the public and made a statement about their own involvement and approval and response? I find it disturbing that when this child is being chided publicly for a photo shoot that she was involved in . . . but certainly not alone . . . that the responsible adults involved had turned tail and allowed a child to take the brunt of the fall out.

If we are upset because she's a child being portrayed in an adult way . . . we should be even more upset that she is now expected to step up and be the adult in the face of a negative response.

Exploitation

By now, there has been much public attention focused on the picture(s) of Miley Cyrus in the magazine Vanity Fair. In the photo made public in the media, the 15 year old starlet is seen naked, with a satin sheet wrapped around her, she is looking directly into the camera over her shoulder, and her hair is mussed as if she is just getting up from sex. The expression and gaze are sophisticated and hint at sexual knowledge and experience. You have the youthful round face of someone not yet an adult contrasted with the very adult setting, nudity, and sexuality.

My first thought was "didn't Britney Spears appear in a photo with similar sexual overtones?"

I am concerned that profit is being made from marketing this young woman's sexuality. By publishing this photo, the magazine is furthering the acceptance of the notion that children are valid objects for sexualization. Printing such sexualized photos grants the faceless consumer sexual access to a child. And, although this young woman was paid for the picture, she was paid only a fraction of the money others will make from the photos . . . and this is coming really close to fitting the definition of trafficking.

I am distressed at the many many shows and media outlets that tell young women that if they are willing to take their clothes off, or pose for sexualized photos, or grant people sexual access to their bodies . . . that they too can be living the lifestyles of the rich and infamous. We have "celebrities" who became celebrities because they made sex tapes that became public. We have the whole "girls gone wild" phenomena. There are prostituted women who are seen as glamorous and savvy because the men who hire them pay thousands of dollars rather than a few. We have the recasting of strip clubs as "gentlemen's clubs."

Taken in their totality, it seems that we are moving backwards as a culture.

Monday, April 14, 2008

FMG, American Style

While flipping through news websites last Friday afternoon, I came across a bit that some actress had quipped that she'd recently had "vaginal rejuvenation surgery" and was back on the dating market.

Intrigued, my co-workers and I discussed what this surgery would be . . . and then looked it up on the web. We found an article from the New York Times. The article explained that this surgery might include removal of parts of the labia, or tightening of vaginal muscles, or in some rare cases a reconstruction of a hymen.

The article went on to explain that some women have a labia that is slightly larger than "normal" and that having excess labia might interfere with wearing tight pants or riding a bike. (no, seriously) We aren't talking about people who have serious malformations. We are talking about normal functioning women who didn't "realize" that they had less than delicate genitals until they had an opportunity to compare themselves to women in porn.

One woman said that her labia was nearly 1/2 an inch too big and that it caused her no end of embarrassment. Other women said that they wanted the surgery to appear or be more sexually desirable to the man/men in their lives.

First of all . . . I imagine that only in the united states do we have the money and leisure to throw towards such unnecessary surgery. Second of all, as a friend of mine says from time to time, makes me sad in my heart that our society has so ingrained in women the ideal of "perfect beauty" that they would risk losing all sexual sensation (from nerve damage/loss of nerve tissue from such a surgery) in order to meet some distorted notion of "pretty." Thirdly, aren't we fighting against this exact sort of ignorance in some third world countries? Isn't the justification for FMG in those cultures that removal of labial tissues make a woman more desirable for a man? Isn't recreation of a hymen playing into exactly the justification these other cultures have for sewing women up over and over and over again?

Sad in my heart.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Put your money where your heart is. . .

One of the many cool aspects of the conference on sex trafficking I attended recently was the tote bags we were given as part of our conference materials.

They are Freeset Bags . . . and are made in India by a woman who had been trafficked. The women who make these bags are afforded a living wage and decent work hours.

The bags are lovely, have a great story behind them, and offer the carriers the opportunity to make a public statement against the world's oldest form of oppression.

Monday, April 7, 2008

So much

Last week, I attended an international conference on sex trafficking. It was intense, and I'm still trying to wind down from it all . . . and the traveling.

Millions of women and children are trafficked across the world for the purpose of modern day slavery . . . whether for domestic services or sexual slavery or involuntary organ donation. All too often, local law enforcement see the women and children who are trafficked for sexual slavery as willing participants or criminals . . . not as disenfranchised persons who are in the most need of compassion and assistance.

You'll hear more about this later.

But, the question of the day . . . would you wear a t-shirt that proclaimed that you'd been raped?

I have mixed feelings. So many of the women I see are terrified of our community finding out about their rape . . . because the stigma is still so great. I also worry that the scary, violent, or ignorant people on the planet would use such a declaration as an invitation to inflict meanness.

But, I can also see that someone who has healed, and who does want to take an activist stand, would find wearing such a shirt empowering. I understand the argument that we perpetuate the shame and stigma by operating in secrecy for our clients. (For the record, I believe that clients should determine when and to whom they disclose their victimization . . . and until they choose that for themselves, I will respect their right to privacy.)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Secondary victims

When our agency serves primary victims of sexual violence . . . meaning the people the violence actually happened to . . . we are also on the lookout for secondary victims who may need help. A secondary victim, as you may have guessed, is a family member, roommate, or good friend/partner of the primary victim.

When we work with Moms . . . often I see a delayed emotional reaction. Moms tend to move themselves into a mode of being the caregiver . . . the person handling the details of medical care and interacting with law enforcement, the courts, and support agencies. I warn Moms that they may find that once the primary victim starts to function more normally, then they may relax to the point where they experience their own emotional response.

When I work with roommates, we talk about fear . . . and the need to balance their own desire to be supportive but also taking care of themselves.

It goes on . . . over the years we have seen trends in how people react . . . based on their own position and personalities.

I was recently in the ER with a young woman. She was with her mother and sister. She was very open to assistance and seemed to have very good support from her family. She was not interested in reporting the crime to law enforcement. She could articulate why she was making this decision . . . and had a pretty clear idea what she did want as well.

I could see from her mother's reactions that mom didn't really agree. I think the mother was hoping I would have some magic words to reverse her adult daughter's decision. There was a quiet moment when I could talk to the mom on her own. I explained that it was important that her daughter be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself . . . that the perpetrator had taken the right to make decisions away from her daughter and that she would "heal" better, faster if we could restore decision making back to her, even if we don't agree with those decisions. The expression on the mom's face told me that she understood, and ultimately wanted what was best for her daughter. And, I could see that the mom was relieved that her concerns had been understood too.

Friday, March 28, 2008

SAAM

Years ago, a friend who does this work in another community was expecting a baby. The baby was due in April, and we learned it was a girl. For months, we begged and teased the mother-to-be that she should name her daughter Sam.

SAAM (pronounced Sam) is Sexual Assault Awareness Month . . . or as we in the business think of it "April."

Every year, it is a challenge to plan new and exciting activities and events to capture the attention and interest of people in our community. This year, we have given ourselves an extra challenge of creating not just Awareness activities, but activities that will engage people and hopefully inspire them to work with us for longer term change.

This year, our focus population is college aged men. We have a week of activities on the local college campus planned to bring men to the table, peak their interest, and then sign them up to be mentors as well as help us petition the college to strengthen the language in the school's sexual assault policy.

We are hosting a "Dorm Storm" . . . and are lucky enough to have a frat that will go into all the men's dorms and put up posters and create a scene so that students are drawn to the action. We will be having a "white ribbon" campaign . . . asking men to sign a pledge that they will not condone, commit, or remain silent about sexual violence. All of the campus police will tie white ribbons to their vehicles in support of this activity. And, we have t-shirts that were designed by a student group we will be distributing to men on campus . . . and encouraging them to wear them to the spring football scrimmage for fun and prizes.

Our hope is that we will shift the thinking about sexual violence from "it's a girl thing" to "it's a problem for women, but an issue for men."

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Non-profit world vs. corporate world

One of our co-workers is working through a family emergency right now. A grandparent is dying. The grandparent has been ill for some time, but has move down hill rapidly this week. I expect there will be a funeral early next week to attend.

As it would happen, next week is one of the busiest weeks on our calendars. A major fundraising campaign is ending next week, a major progress report is due, Sexual Assault Awareness Month kicks off with a week of activities, and I will be gone half the week attending a conference. Months of planning and work have gone into many of the activities planned for next week.

But, in non-profit world, especially crisis work non-profit world, we do this everyday.

With a couple well placed phone calls and emails . . . we have shifted coverage for all the activities and everything is moving smoothly.

Thats just what we do in non-profit crisis response world.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Quote of the week

Last week, one of our workers spoke to a women's civic group. You know, the nice older ladies who plant gardens and make sure local libraries have books.



Anyway, one of the nice older ladies said that her grandchild had come home from school the other day and said to her . . . with all seriousness . . .



Grammy Anita (name changed to protect the innocent), don't you ever let anyone touch your testicles."

She assured him that she would never let anyone touch her testicles.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Earning my keep

I know I've not written an entry in a while. My writing efforts are directed at grant season. My agency is a small, grassroots type organization. We aren't one of those large, foundation based organizations. So, each year, I have to write grants to keep our doors open and staff paid.

My husband teaches, and about this time of year starts getting term papers. I love the many, many reasons students have for not getting their papers written and/or turned in on time. In turn, my husband tells his students about how someday, keeping their jobs may depend upon getting a "term paper" in on time.

Imagine this, if you will. You spend all year doing your job. Getting up in the middle of the night to the blaring of the pager. You attend endless meetings. You generate reports and reports and reports. Then, as if none of that matters, you must reapply for your funding. You must generate an "application" that looks into not just what you accomplished in the past year, but what you promise to accomplish in the coming year. You answer specific questions in limited space. You generate attachments. You chase down board members to sign the application, and assurances you don't discriminate or send your money to terrorists.

There is an art to estimating what you can accomplish in the coming year . . . as well as how much money you will spend. You want to appear to be moving forward without promising to deliver the impossible. At the same time, you want to have reasonable expenses but you don't want to find yourself out of funds before the end of the year. At the same time, how do you estimate how many miles, exactly, you and your staff will travel each week a year from now? And how do you estimate how much you will pay for utilities a year from now?

Then, once you finish the application and double check each page to make sure you don't have glaring errors or gaps. Then, you make copies. The last grant I submitted was 105 pages long and required 13 copies, 3 hole punched. (And, I have one of the smaller grants submitted to this funder because I have only one program I for which I request funds.)

With some grants, a committee reviews what you have submitted. I have found that often the people who serve on these committees may or may not have a personal agenda. Other times, some of the people who serve on these committees don't have specific understanding of what victim service agencies do on a day to day basis. I've had committees ask me why don't we just lobby for women to have a curfew to keep them safe. One year, I had a committee come back and ask why we don't spend equal resources on male victims as female. Let's see . . . last year we had a total of 367 people served . . . of which 20 were male. Say we had a budget of $100,000. I don't see spending $50,000 on 20 victims and $50,000.00 on the other 347 victims.

Because I take seriously my responsibility to be a good steward of public funds, I get really annoyed when other non-profits abuse their funds. Every time a non-profit leader misuses, steals, or fudges their funds . . . all non-profits become objects of suspicion.

Also, it is a lot of pressure to know that other people are counting on me to do a good job on the grants so that they can keep their jobs, possibly get a little raise.

And, I really dislike feeling like I have to compete with other non-profits to keep our doors open. I struggle to walk the fine line between promoting how really good my agency is and not running down other agencies doing this work.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Epidemic

For this entry, I reference this article from the NY TIMES.

Studies have shown that a quarter of teen aged girls have a std. The study tested girls for four of the most common stds and found that half African American girls and twenty percent of white girls have at least one of the stds.

I find it interesting that the remedies suggested included widespread testing and vaccinating against the diseases. Only deep into the article, and in the form of a quote, is there mention that perhaps the trend could be reversed with comprehensive sexual education in our schools.

My more cynical side wonders if half of the white girls, or if the girls in the study came only from "middle to upper middle class" families, if there would be widespread cries for change? I also notice there is no mention of boys. I doubt that only girls have stds. I would be curious to see if such a study would ever be done on boys. I think parents, and our society, are much more willing to subject girls to an invasive and humiliating exam than boys.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Update

There has been an arrest in the case of the Auburn student who was murdered last week. The man charged in the case has been charged with, among things, attempted rape. According to the story in the NY Times, there appears to be no prior connection between the accused and the victim.

In another media report, a young woman, probably a student, was quoted as saying that students need to be more careful and that she'd seen women running at night with their iPods on, and how that just isn't safe.

I understand that we like to believe that we can control our environments and the people around us. We still cling the the notion that women hold responsibility for the behavior of men. We still assign to women more responsibility for their safety than men.

The fact of the matter is, you should be able to leave your personal belongings in your car, with the doors unlocked and windows open, and NO ONE should reach in and take them. Somewhere along the line, we forget that one of the first lessons we learn as children is to not touch what doesn't belong to us.

I feel this urge to, along with changing the messages we give men in the name of rape prevention, that we need to work on changing the attitudes women have about their own responsibility for the criminal actions of others.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Very bad

I wrote an entry earlier today about the two young women who were murdered on college campuses this week, but it seems to have disappeared.

I'll try to recreate what I wrote earlier. I've been having a hard time with personalizing, projecting in these cases.

I have a friend who sent me an op-ed piece earlier this year that made the point that some of the more horrifying shootings on school campuses have links to violence against women. The piece called for stronger social reactions to the "milder" forms of violence such as stalking and threats in order to prevent mass shootings and the more "severe" forms of violence.

It is too early yet to comment on what the possible motives could have been in either killing this week. I suspect that in both cases, the perpetrator saw young, slim, "nice" women as easier targets than someone who might at first glance be seen as more threatening.

I can't help but feel tremendous sympathy for the parents and friends of these young women. The Auburn student was, according to a media report I read, in a sorority. Those friendships are intense and develop quickly. I believe the killer victimized all the young women who called her "sister." The young woman in North Carolina seems to have been a rising star, someone who would give more to our world than she would take. I can't help but think that her parents were so close to being able to see their precious graduate from college. Surely, as student body president, she would have had many events to attend, honors to receive, and would have been a speaker at the graduation. It seems that all of that campus has been victimized. I can't help but think ahead to the graduation and realize that there will be a pall on those ceremonies.

And, at the root of it all, is a culture that so glorifies violence that we create people who can commit this sort of crime in the first place.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Recognition?

One of the things I struggle with is recognition, for my agency. I understand that even in saying "rape crisis center" there is an icky factor most people won't face. I understand that you can never make reference to my agency and have a happy thought. But, we do good work. Our clients are worthy of recognition as "community success stories" too.

Today I attended a community celebration of our volunteers and service agencies. It was a nice way to encourage service by recognizing what is already done by so many in our community. It was a nice opportunity to see some of the really innovative programs one doesn't normally hear about.

But, I was once again struck by how easily my agency is excluded. Speakers, time and time again, referred to services for "families struggling with domestic violence and services for sexually abused children." (Not that I think those victims/services aren't just as worthy as mine) I am almost tempted to raise my hand and ask if they realize that adult women are innocent victims too? It seems to me that our culture has a hard time accepting that victimization is victimization, and that we ought not judge the victims more harshly than we judge the perpetrators of crime, violence, and fear.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Numbers game

One of the functions that is necessary in this sort of work is keeping up with numbers. We need to be able to show our funders that we are indeed serving the people we claim we are . . . and we need to be able to track our own services and contrast them by the needs we are seeing. For example, I'm currently writing a grant for some money to pay for professional counseling for adult clients who can't afford counseling or don't have adequate insurance coverage.

Accepting the numbers agencies like mine submit takes a little faith and a little bit of a critical eye. I remember a few years ago, a similar agency reported that they fielded 1,500 crisis line calls but only assisted 7 clients. Or when an agency in a community with a total population of 20,000 says that they provided victim services to 2,000 new and unique victims in a year. Or, when an agency in a community of 500,000 only served 3 victims of sexual violence in a year.

One of the questions we constantly ask ourselves is: how do we report accurately the number of people we serve and the units of service we offer. Some agencies will say "we provided shelter to 1,200 people last year" when their shelter sleeps 7. Or, another agency said they provided support group services to 5,000 people in the course of 52 weeks. Clearly, these organizations are leading folks to believe that units of service and individuals served are the same thing.

In my agency, we work hard to be clear in our numbers. We have developed a report from which all funder reports are pulled . . . and when the funder's report leaves us feeling as if it doesn't adequately express all we do, we give them a copy of our internal reporting. It is a two second report . . . that fits on one sheet of paper. One part reflects the individuals served, categorized by type of victimization. When we have an individual who has experienced multiple victimizations, we count them for the primary abuse that first brought them to our agency. If someone stops contact with us, and several months pass before contacting us again, if there has been a new victimization, they get counted as if they are a whole new person. We do this not to bolster our numbers but to reflect the amount of violence in our community.

The second part of the report shows the units of service. In a month, we may serve 12 new victims/survivors but answer our crisis line 28 times. One client who is seen in the ER typically has, at minimum, 3 crisis line calls, an er call, a follow up call, and one or two "information and referral" services.

We also report how many calls are taken outside normal business hours to demonstrate that even when personnel aren't physically in the office, services are offered and used.

And, lastly, we don't have a computerized client record system. Yet. If we were to purchase such a system, we would also have to put it on a machine that is not connected to the internet or networked with our other computers. I would rather use paper and pencil than ever have to call clients and tell them that our records were hacked. The question we haven't resolved yet is how long do we keep client records. I'm starting to think that 10 years is long enough . . . but I have a sneaking feeling that if we shredded records, the next week something would get requested by the courts.

Which opens a whole new box of worms. Because we do not do professional therapy in our office, I don't feel that we need to keep extensive notes on clients or assessments. Our client records really give us the demographic information we need for reports and brief, factual, notes on the crime. I have had the courts request our files before . . . and because we don't keep extensive records on individuals . . . our client records have never been judged by a Judge to be worth sharing in a trial. I think this is one of the great advantages of a small, grassroots type organization.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Downward spiral

One of the questions that stumps folks doing anti-rape work is "how does someone become a sex offender?"

Several years ago, I had the misfortune to watch one of my friends go from being an upstanding citizen to a convict. I know that every sex offender has their own story and motivations. This story isn't intended to excuse his behavior, let him off the hook, or minimize the pain he caused a wide circle of people. It is merely the retelling of one story . . . not too different from gaining value from hearing survivor stories.

When I was still green behind the ears, many years ago, I met a local youth counselor. For the purposes of this story, I'll call him Fred. Fred was one of the first community people to take our training class. One of the things that impressed me is that he seemed really concerned about the few youth he worked with who were struggling with sexual idenity. This immediately made him stand out . . . in that at that time, in this small community, lots of folks didn't even want to acknowledge that homosexuality existed, much less that there might be one or two HERE.

Over the years, Fred and I ended up on quite a few committees or boards together. He was older than me by a couple of decades . . . but still seemed to relate well to troubled kids. He never married, and it seemed to me that he was kinda trapped. Looking around, I see that it is fairly difficult for people in this community with a high level of education, who "aren't from here", and super busy jobs to really find a mate. Additionally, his mother was living in his home, and having daily nursing care. A busy job, and an elderly parent doesn't leave much time for meeting dates.

Fred's mother died just about a month before my mother-in-law died. I offered him support. I made sure he had food in his frig, and included him in a few family meals. I was worried that since his mother's death, he seemed to be staying home and playing with the newest toy . . . the internet.

He started telling me about the chat rooms for troubled teens that he would go to. He said that he had a repuation in some of these rooms as someone who listened and who cared. He retold several stories of teens seeking him out because a friend was saying things that scared them (suicidal things).

I remember warning him to be very careful about how much information he gave out about himself. I warned him that he didn't want kids running away and showing up on his doorstep. He promised me that he showed the same care he did when he was working. I also urged him to get out more with his friends . . . possibly date. And, it seemed that he was being more social.

Some time went by, and we kinda fell out of touch. I still heard about his work with local youth programs . . . but we didn't see each other much anymore. One day, he called me personally to tell me that he'd referred a teen he was working with to our office and to give me some back ground ahead of time. That afternoon, a mutual friend called to tell me that he had been arrested by the state police.

The story was that he had gone to a school in a nearby district, used his professional title to check a boy out of school, took him home, and sexually assaulted him. And, that this boy wasn't the only victim. All of the boys had been "met" through the internet. Further, the state police had found all manner of illicit conversations with young boys on his computer.

I was sick to my stomach. But, not entirely surprised. I spent the weekend struggling to accept that my friend was a monster. Part of me wanted it to be all a sick joke whereas I KNEW it wasn't. I realized that families who learn of incest must have the same struggle . . . but without the benefit of the knowledge and experience I have.

Fred called me once, to ask if I could testify to his character . . . and I explained that I would have to testify that he was a molester and that I totally believed the young men who had come forward. Fred eventually plead guilty to all charges. I don't know if he is even alive still.

I learned later that when the state police started their investigation, they put a block on his email/internet account. Realizing that he was possibly in trouble, he tried to log into several other people's accounts . . . which resulted in their accounts temporarily being blocked. Also, that in an attempt to clean some of the files off his computer he tried to have one of his computer savvy client kids fix it . . . and tried to get the computer person for his work place to clean it.

I am chilled at the thought of all the kids who were "helped" by him over the years. He was like a big teddy bear. I know several adults today who swear they would not have grown up outside a jail if not for Fred. I can't help but wonder if they now look back at this person they thought was so helpful and wonderful and wonder to themselves "did he try to molest me too?" Or, are they still carrying a secret?

I believe that the proclivity for "deviant" sexual behavior was always there with Fred. I think that he was able to keep it in check . . . knowing that it was wrong . . . for years. I think his personal struggle made him a better counselor for kids who were also struggling. I think that the combination of the isolation after his mother's death, the easy access of the internet, and the types of people he was conversing with night after night made it easy for him to quiet those parts of his brain that had always held him in check all those years. I think that when he was in chat rooms with kids who were bragging about their sexuality . . . talking as kids do when they are still figuring it all out . . . that he started to adopt for himself what he thought their values were.

Don't mistake my thoughts about his behavior for acceptance or approval. I disapprove of everything he did to ruin the lives and memories of untold numbers of youth in our community. But, I think it's an interesting look into someone who seemed to actually care . . .who either fell apart, or was snowing us all.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Casulty of War

It's a pretty horrifying story, read it knowing that.

A gulf war vet (two tours) has been charged with beating and raping his three month old daughter. His defense is that he has no recollection of committing the acts because he would drink and drug himself into passing out everyday. Although he doesn't admit doing it, he does agree that it is the logical possibility . . . being that he was alone with the baby.

I'm also thinking that it is a serious serious form of neglience to knowingly drink and drug yourself into passing out when you are the sole caregiver for a newborn. . . but that's a side issue.

Because this war effort is being staffed by national guard units, vets are coming from all over the country . . . not just military base areas. I've known a few women who experienced the long term or multiple deployments of their partners. Nearly every woman I know whose partner/husband was deployed report that their relationship broke within just a few months of the vet returning.

I know lots has been said and written about the lack of adequate services for vets. It seems to me that it would be easy enough to have routine and regular follow up or check in with returned vets/their partners to see if they need extra services to help them reenter society or cope with the trauma of their war experience.