Thursday, January 31, 2008

Chilling

I have written before, and posted a link to the NPR story, about rape and native women and our society's failure to respond adequately. (That's putting it politely.)

Later this year, I will be participating in a panel discussion about the problem of sexual violence and native women at a national conference. I will be appearing with academics, direct service workers, one of my volunteers, and women representing native women living on and off reservations. In preparation for my participation, I have received a full copy of the Amnesty International report called "Maze of Injustice: the failure to protect indegenous women from sexual violence in the USA."

Just typing the title makes chills run down my back and arms.

My agency has been operating for just shy of 20 years. The most established rape crisis programs have been in operation for just shy of 40 years. Nearly a quarter of the counties in my state don't have a rape crisis center within their county - and our state has pretty good coverage of services. However, the vast majority of rape crisis services offered in my state are combined into agencies offering other services and often sexual assault services are just lumped in with everything else.

But, it still shocks me that we so openly ignore a particularly vulnerable community of peoples. The reservation system requires that we devote resources to adequately serve the people living there. If we tell whole communities how they must live, where they must live, how much money they are allowed to earn, etc . . . then we need to take providing for their "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness" seriously . . . one could argue that we have the responsibility to take it more seriously than we do for people we grant more freedoms.

I'm glad light is being shed . . . and I and all to honored to be one of the people focusing the spotlight.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Peddlers of Bad Information

Anyone who works in the helping profession has encountered the aftermath of bad advice or information given by other, possibly well meaning, people in the profession. I just hope that people don't tell stories of things I've said that later turned out to be completely stupid. And, I will admit that lots of times, clients only hear about 1/3 of what you actually say.

So, here are some of the gems I've heard over the years.

I had a 13 year old client who had been raped by a 32 year old man who was hoping hoping hoping she'd gotten pregnant from the attack. Apparently, the only thing she remembered from the hospital experience was a nurse telling her that she would probably never be able to have children now. This girl figured that getting pregnant now might be her only chance to have a child.

I had a woman call our crisis line AFTER spending an hour on the phone with the psychic TOLL number. She actually told me that I didn't tell her anything the people she PAID THROUGH THE NOSE didn't tell her. At least call us first . . .we're free . . . then if you don't like what we tell you . . . pay someone to say the same thing.

I had a client tell me that her old counselor told her that her stress relief of listening to classical music through head phones for a short time every night made her "no better than an alcoholic" because she was just "running away from her problems into the music."

More times than I can count, clients have told me that various people have told them they need to "forgive and forget" about their abuse. I believe that forgiveness cannot be asked for unless the perp acknowledges the harm created by their actions, atones for it in a way meaningful to the victim, and changes their behavior (notice the gender neutral wording?). And I fear that forgetting the abuse is either impossible and/or dangerous.

Years ago, a politician declared that there was no need to be concerned about abortion rights for rape/incest victims because a woman could only get pregnant if they were sexually aroused . . . and if they were sexually aroused, then it wasn't rape. He claimed special knowledge because he was a doctor. In reality, he was a dentist. And, frankly, I'm wondering how good a dentist he could be with such declarations about the openings opposite the mouth. (For the record, the body is biologically programmed to respond to certain stimulation in certain ways. . . . it is entirely possible for someone who is terrified and in fear for their life to also experience the biological indicators of sexual stimulation. It doesn't mean they liked it or wanted it or consented to it.)

I had a mother of a teen victim drag her child into our office and demand that the child take back the "hateful" thing she said about her mother's boyfriend and admit it was all a "lie." The young girl had developed a yeast infection from the antibiotics given to her by the doctor to prevent many sexually transmitted infections . . . but the mother was convinced that the girl had a venereal disease and this was evidence of her child being a "slut." I photo copied the pages out of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" about yeast infections and antibiotics and told the mother that her reaction may have caused as much harm as the assault . . . because the girl had not only lost her innocence, but also her mother.

There's more . . . I'll post them as they come back to me.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Progress

When I was in college, one Saturday morning, I got up early because my roommate and I had a fun outing planned. She was in the study room doing her morning meditation and I jumped in the shower. When I cut off the shower, I found that my roommate had pulled the classic prank of grabbing my towel and clothes. We did this frequently to each other in my dorm . . . and the expected response was to take down the shower curtain and while clutching it around ourselves, smile for the camera.

Only, when I left the bathroom, there was no flash bulb . . . and someone said "good, you're done, I can clean the bathrooms now."

When I got back to our room and got dressed, and dashed to the study room . . . my roommate said that she was wondering why there was a boy in the study room outside "visiting hours." Then, when we compared the person we'd encountered we figured out that the boy in the study room was the same person in the bathroom. And, Hey! the cleaning crew is female and doesn't come in on Saturdays.

We ran, and woke up the RA and reported what had happened. We found the boy in the lobby . . . where visitors were allowed to be during non-visiting hours. . . but he was reading mail. Campus police were called . . . and my clothes and towel were found in the basement behind our mail center.

Later, we learned he was a 16 year old run away who was "living with" a girl in our dorm who thought he was a student. And, he'd been banned from several other dorms for peeping.

The police arrested him, but they never got a statement from me. They never spoke to me. Learning what happened to him was gossip that was passed along, not give to us "officially."

Last night, we had a college student in the ER . . . her dorm supervisor came with her to the ER along with several supportive friends. The Dorm supervisor called the police for her, called the person in charge of student affairs, and made arrangements to make sure the student had a safe place to stay over night. She also arranged to take the student to the police dept. today to finish making her statement.

I was so pleased to see the great improvement in how colleges respond to victims. There are still plenty of horror stories . . . but this time, they got it right.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Campus safety

Click on the title for the article. Since it is an opinion piece in a regional paper, I'm not sure how long you'll be able to access it.

A friend sent me this . . . because we have discussed my ideas about "feel good security" and token acts to appear that we want to make changes in the crime rate . . . especially violent crime against women. Politically, it makes good press to say you're against violence against women . . . like rape, stalking, and domestic abuse . . . but in reality, we still worry more about homeless pets than we do victims of violent crime.

This op-ed piece reminds me of a NPR story I heard years ago about men on death row. The commenter observed that every man on death row he'd interviewed had a history of violence prior to the act that got them to death row. If we take the "milder" forms of violence (meaning anything short of murder) more seriously . . . offering substantial jail terms for violence and long-term, ongoing supervision . . . we might have a less violent society in the long run. And, then we wouldn't be so worried about the crazy guy getting a gun.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

35 years and counting

Today is the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I imagine that it is the single most protested supreme court decision ever.

This morning, on the radio I heard that a new tactic of the "pro-life" set is to lobby for legislation granting legal "personhood" to fertilized eggs from the moment of fertilization . . . granting them legal status and rights. This goes along with their other tactics of trying to cast abortion as a huge factor in the long term mental health of women . . . etc.

I worry about any legislation granting "personhood" to a fertilized egg.

On one hand, I think that a murdering a woman who is in the advanced stages of pregnancy ought to carry slightly different charges than a non-pregnant woman. (I'm thinking of quite a few stories in the media of women who were 7,8, or even 9 months pregnant and murdered. I can imagine that there would be discussion if the woman were in early stages and could the criminal be reasonably expected to know she was pregnant? Was it a partner? or was it a stranger or near stranger who claimed to not know about the pregnancy . . .but I digress.)

On the other hand, granting legal rights and status to a fertilized egg is just one step away from telling women they don't control their own bodies.

I argued once with a man who advocated that women face criminal charges if it is found that they consumed any alcohol at anytime during the pregnancy . . . even before she was aware she was pregnant. Basically . . . he advocated banning women of child bearing age from consuming alcohol.

I am aware of another woman who was put on bed rest by her doctor in her 6th month . . . and she disregarded the medical advice, and after a weekend of mowing the lawn, shopping, going to church, going out to eat, she delivered early and the child died. If we grant legal status and rights to the unborn, are we telling women that if they don't follow medical advice 100% and the unthinkable happens . . . they will face criminal charges?

When are we going to have pregnancy centers where all pregnant women are sent so that they might be monitored during their pregnancies because our society doesn't trust them to care for themselves or make decisions for themselves?

That's the danger of these proposals . . . they sound harmless enough . . . until you start looking at the larger implications and how and when they will be enforced.

Abortion exists in a society where "abstinence" education has replaced good, sound sex ed. I've seen my state's approved 9th grade health text . . . they never mention that controlling fertility is an option . . . even within marriage. They explicitly state that parenthood in an inevitable step in life. There are no other options. Abortion exists in a society in which there is inadequate access to birth control . . . and men and women are bombarded with sexualized messages about every aspect of life. Abortion exists in a society where violence and rape are tolerated within certain limits . . . and especially if the victims are marginalized in the first place.

In this society, abortion is a necessary fact.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Another Observation on the Marine

I understand that the wife of the accused killer is a young mother, is looking at probably never having her husband back, and the horrible realization that the man she married is probably a killer . . . because who is gonna believe that some one's bat crazy co-worker came over, extorted money and then killed herself by cutting her own throat? But, I still think that some where along the line she should be facing charges of her own . . . if she cleaned up blood . . . accessory to murder . . . and for giving him a 24 hour head start.

I have other opinions . . . but it would be impolitic to comment at this time.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Nice Reminder

Interestingly, the only time I start to wonder if my life's work is futile is when I see media reports of sexual assaults. You'd think it would be the day in and day out looking victims in the eye.

Today, I got a nice reminder about why I'm committed to this work. I was seeing a client for the second time. She is a referral from a local counselor. She was scared to add going to the rape crisis center into the routine of appointments. We had a very productive meeting. She has started talking to her family about what happened to her. She is showing more interest in making her surroundings safer. She disclosed information she'd never said aloud before.

While I was driving her home, she let out a long sigh and relaxed into the car seat and said "I feel so much better."

And, that's why I get up out of my warm bed day after day. Those magical five words.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Marine Shame

We, in the office, have been following and discussing this case of the murdered/raped marine. We are pretty horrified over the fact of it. We are upset over what appears to be real problems with how this young woman's employers handled her case.

First, according the media --- since I don't have first hand knowledge and I do understand the limits of media reports --- she first reported the rape last April . . . but the Corps didn't reassign the two involved in the case to separate work areas until mid May. Then, after reporting the rape, the young woman seeks maternity treatment. Since the military keeps such a watchful eye over their people, you'd think this would have raised eyebrows.

Then, the woman felt compelled to move off base into civilian housing because of harassment she received from her colleagues. This sounds like she wasn't receiving the type of support and protection she needed and deserved and the military has the responsibility to provide. Then, finally, 8 months after reporting the rape, she is finally due to testify in a grand jury like hearing . . . and goes missing? And the military did nothing to verify her whereabouts? These people know what color you poop, and yet they didn't report her missing or check to make sure she'd not suffered a medical emergency?

When her family reported her missing to civilian authorities, it appears from the media reports, that not only was the corps not helpful, they intentionally sent law enforcement in the wrong direction. The media reports I've read say that the corps told local law enforcement that the man now being sought was "not a threat" to her and that they were "on friendly terms." If he wasn't a threat, why did the military have a protective order that they renewed 3 times (again, according to media reports) ordering him to not have contact with her? And, if they were on friendly terms, why was she going to testify that he raped her and was the father of her unborn child?

But the big question is . . . . how bright do you have to be to scratch your head and say "huh? I wonder if this is means something?" when the accuser and accused in a rape case both go missing the day before an important hearing? I know I've had my complaints about local law enforcement . . . but I'm reasonably confident that even in my little town, local authorities would find it worth looking into.

I think the corps failed this young woman . . . a woman who was able to endure the rigorous training of the marines . . . and who was willing to die for her country. I think the marines owed her more than what she got. And, the cynic in me who is so willing to believe the worst in people wonders if the man in question isn't hidden on another base, in marine custody, right now.

Monday, January 7, 2008

The Other Supreme Court/death penalty case

Click on the title for a link to the article I reference.

This morning, while driving to the office, I listened to an NPR story about the upcoming death penalty case to be heard by the supreme court. Then, reading the NY Times in the office, I see that there is another case NPR didn't mention.

The Supreme Court is going to hear an appeal from a man who was sentenced to death for the rape of an 8 year old child.

According to the article, the court decided in 1977 that the death penalty should only apply to murder convictions because although rape is horrible, the victim remains alive. However, in recent years and with recent high media cases, a few states have passed legislation allowing for the death penalty upon the conviction of rape of a child under the age of 12.

I personally am conflicted on the death penalty. The young and idealistic part of me thinks that a evolved society shouldn't NEED the death penalty. However, the realistic part of me understands that we aren't there yet. Far from it.

I can see arguments for both sides of the death penalty issue. Although I personally come down to a very practical, economic stance. I would much rather see the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent each year for EACH person on death row go to victim services. I don't quite see the value of spending so much to keep people alive who have demonstrated clearly that they are unwilling to live within the most basic of social rules.

I'm not sure how I feel about the death penalty in child rape cases. I think the easy answer is to say that they should be taken one at a time. Clearly, someone who has raped lots and lots of children is unwilling or incapable of living with larger society . . . and can we really deny services to the victims because all our money is going to support the perp?

Then again, just the thought of the ugly orange jumpsuit and the shame of my family has always been deterrent enough for me.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

The Britney Factor

For some reason, myself included, we can't help but be fascinated by the whole Britney Spears thing. But why? Surely there are more interesting people. There are more compelling news stories.

I have a few ideas why . . . I think she, and her troubles represent our collective fears as well as reflect our society in a stark way.

One, she was a child who was portrayed by her sexuality at a very young age. In a way, she was sexually abused by the world. She was given the idea at a tender age that her only real worth was her body and how she used and gave us access to it. I can only imagine what it does to your self image for PepsiCo to "digitally enhance" a your teen aged bust line to sell more soda pop.

Two, she more or less embodied what has become the new American dream . . . to make it big in show business. But she doesn't seem to have much of a safety net. Heiresses like Paris Hilton have the whole of their families to stand behind them if they fall . . . but girls like Britney have their whole family falling with them. It isn't fair that she was put in a position to support her family at such a young age.

Three, she has made quite a few mistakes . . . and a few calculated moves . . . none of which she seems to have recovered from. There was the 54 hour marriage. Then there was stealing a man from another woman who was pregnant. The quick pregnancies . . . which would tax anyone. The parties. The pictures. The courting the cameras. The shocking behavior that didn't do anything for her image. It seems that she moves from bad judgement to bad judgement. I don't know if she is refusing good advice or not getting it.

Four, I think she has become the embodiment of the "bad mother." I think all women who have children worry that they will be bad mothers. Every mom I know questions herself daily. I can't help but think that moms everywhere are both saddened and repulsed by Britney. And I suspect moms everywhere thank the stars they don't have every move documented the way she does.

Five, she's in a mess and it isn't clear how she's getting out. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem inclined to check into rehab and take it seriously. She doesn't seem terribly capable of taking control of her life in a meaningful way. Other young stars take time out for college . . . or they drop out . . .work on themselves, and then pop back on the scene. I think it would take even more of what's going down for Britney to feel that she's hit bottom.

I see this last thing with lots of clients. They feel that they are in a fish bowl . . . that everyone around them can see right through them. They have gotten into a rut of how they react to their lives . . . and it appears that it will take monumental strength to make changes . . . strength they don't believe they have. But ultimately, for all of us, we have to live our own lives . . . do what is right for us . . . and not worry if people are looking or not. That's a whole lot easier said than done.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Ick

One of those things I really hate happened tonight. I was having a nice mexican-ish meal with my husband . . . because in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I've not shopped for much more than kitty litter in the past two weeks. And, a woman stopped at our table an greeted us warmly and with enthusiasm. It took me a moment to recognize her and place her. She is a local librarian I've worked with from time to time planning meetings in the library's meeting space. She and I have had several long conversations over the years . . . largely about my work. She also took a class with my husband several years ago.

Then, she introduced us to her companion or date. Unfortunately, I recognized him much more easily. His name and face have come up several times in my office because of his attraction to young children. Frankly, I'm surprised he's not in jail at the moment . . . since he's spent so much of his life there already.

I don't understand why people date felons. Especially people who commit the ickier, violent, horrible crimes. What makes people think that convicted felons won't someday commit a crime against them or their family? Even if you believe "they've done their time, now forgive them" does that mean you have to invited them into your home?

And, the real down side to being in a small town is that I can so easily recognize the scariest folks out walking around.