Relationships

One of the skills I've been able to develop doing my job are friend/relationship skills.

The first rule is that you have to make the time to keep in touch with people. Even the people who live nearby. It is much to easy to get swept up in the daily grind and find yourself at the end of the day thinking "oh darn, I meant to call Julie." There are fun web sites for sending karma or cards or funny pictures. Just a little something that shows you were thinking of them can go a long way in keeping the friend vibe going. Show up with an unexpected treat -- like their favorite candy or a balloon.

Also, find times to talk on the phone. I have quite a few friends who live hours away. Some I speak to on the phone once a week - others once a month -- others stick to email. But, finding the time to catch up keeps you closer.

The second rule is remember what is important to your friends. Their kid's birthdays. Anniversaries - good and bad. Scary doctor's appointments or exams. Nothing shows that you actually care like remembering the details - and taking the time to show some support. For example: tomorrow, a friend is going for her yearly exam -- an event we all hate. She particularly hates it. I have made a note to myself to call her about an hour before to give her a pep talk and try to make her laugh over it.

The third rule is be sweet. You wouldn't believe what a compliment -- genuine of course -- does for keeping the friendship vibe going. A good friend of mine waxed a couple of years ago that contrary to popular belief -- life is LONG not short. We have too much time in our lives to NOT tell people we love them or that we care for them or that we admire them. If you think they are really good at parenting -- tell them. If you are amazed by their talents, let them know. Unfortunately, most of us don't hear the good stuff about ourselves enough. Today, as I was leaving work -- and will be taking a mini-break and won't be back until Monday, I made sure I let my co-workers that I especially appreciate that they do such a good job and I can leave the office secure in knowing they can handle anything.

And, lastly - respect your friends and your lovers. I think respect is the single most important aspect of any relationship. Respect means that even when you disagree, you still treat them well. Respect means not "hitting below the belt" when you're mad. Respect means keeping secrets or helping them find help even if they don't think they need it. Respect also means being true to yourself -- so that you are a truer friend.

Is there no Shame?

Seriously? What ever happened to shame?

It seems these days that when people behave shamefully, they puff up their chests as if to challenge the rest of us to back down in our opinions. I think that shame is a healthy response to committing shameful acts.

I'm not saying that we go back to the days of the victim being shamed into silence or inaction. I would like to see a return to the days when people who behaved badly were held accountable. Children who bullied could count on adults telling their parents . . . and their parents doling out appropriate punishment. Criminals could count on communities to keep an eye on their actions - and not trust them without the trust being earned back.

I've been reading about the child who committed suicide after being taunted by a friend on myspace only for her parents to learn that the person behind the taunts was an adult neighbor. I like that the community has pulled together to put forward a united front that this sort of behavior is unacceptable.

I can think of other countless situations where a healthy dose of shame might not be a bad thing. A friend of mine who works in another rape crisis center says that recently a pillar of her community was charged with rape and he participated in local fall festivities as if he were still an upstanding citizen. Or a cousin of mine was telling me that some of her classmates were expelled for calling in a fake bomb threat to her school . . . and the parents of the kids hired attorneys to try to force the school system to still allow them to have honor designations when they earned their high school diplomas through the local community college.

Then again, maybe this notion of social sanctioning of bad behavior is just a fairy tale kinda like the imaginary "good ol' days."

Terrible

The title has a link to the article.

In Saudi Arabia, a court has ordered that a young woman who was gang raped to be whipped 200 times. The original sentence was 90 lashes, but it was increased when her attorney appealed the sentence.

The young woman was in a car with a non-relative when she and the young man were kidnapped and raped by 7 men. The fact she was secluded with a man either not her husband or a relation is what the judges found so offensive. They did acknowledge that they believed she had not committed "adultery" -- just was alone with a man. She was alone with that man because she was on the verge of being married and wanted some photographs back that the other young man had.

There seems to be a large degree of punishing this young woman because the judges dislike her attorney. Her attorney has spoken out in favor of human rights in the past.

I find this story absolutely horrifying. At the same time, the public outcry and support from the young woman's husband lead me to believe that perhaps there is a movement to create some real rights for women in a country that subjugates them so thoroughly. And, makes me a little more grateful for our systems - flaws and all.

Bad Reputation?

I've been crazy busy with meetings and clients and a cold and year end reports.

You know how when you see pictures of yourself they often don't match up to the picture you have of yourself in your mind's eye? Or if you hear your own voice recorded it doesn't ever sound the way you think it does to you?

I some how, over the years, have developed a reputation for being really confrontational and quite the bitch. Which strikes me as funny because I think of myself as being really quite mellow and, for lack of a better term, chickenshit. I respect law enforcement . . . even if I don't always agree with them, I've never gotten up into a police officer's face or challenged one in front of a client. But, some how, stories circulate around that I have. I respect the medical staff -- and again - have NEVER openly confronted a doctor or nurse in front of a client - but yet, I have the reputation of being something of a ball buster. I've brought nurses homemade cookies in thanks for handling exceptionally difficult clients with more grace than the client was asking for with their behavior. I totally get the notion that District Attorney outranks me. How stories got started of me telling them their job is totally beyond my imagination.

In my personal life . . . I have a very quiet, comfortable, somewhat dull existence. But yet, I seem to have this rather exotic reputation of having parties and a good time and non-stop action. I have the reputation of being the local "token" feminist. That I don't take crap from my man. That I wear the pants in my house. Which is kinda a laugh because I have really overdeveloped domestic skills in reality; and my husband and I have a pretty equal relationship.

But, if people want to fear me and thus do a better job because of it . . . who am I to stop them? And if they want to imagine me jetting of to exotic places and partying with the pretty people and telling my man the score . . . . that's up to them, right?

The Business End

I've not posted lately because I've been bogged down with the business end of the crisis work.

It is amazing how quickly fortunes change in the non-profit business. Just two weeks ago, I was staying up nights wondering how I was going to make payroll if the state monies didn't come in. Now, I'm staying up wondering how I'm going to spend out all the funds of a grant by Dec. 31.

The problem is that because the state monies (which start July 1) didn't arrive until the last week of October. Being short four months worth of funds, we stopped spending on other grants. Now, we have to play catch up - but if we spend too much right at the end of a grant, it appears we had too much money. Sigh. The problem is that some of our grants reimburse us after we spend the money. So, you have to have money to spend before you can get money back. It keeps agencies honest - but it becomes really tough when other grant agencies are late on their funds.

Also, with the approach of the end of the calendar year, we have all kinds of reports due. In the interest of keeping everyone on the planet well informed of our happenings, my agency prepares monthly financial and client service stats for the board and monthly financial statements for two funders. We provide one funder with quarterly financial and client service stats reports. We provide the state with semi annual financial and client service reports. And, we provide everyone on the planet with annual reports. And, still some non-profits manage to employ criminals.

This week, while working on a holiday, I wondered how agencies whose directors are less inclined to the business end or that don't keep the tidy financial records I do manage to make these reports make sense. Maybe it's just a quirk of my nerdiness that I worry that my monthly, quarterly, semi-annual, and annual reports all add up.

I need a hobby.

Add to all the reports - the holiday season is looming - so everyone is trying to schedule their meetings, workshops, etc before thanksgiving. This year I was smart - I scheduled a bit of vacation for right after thanksgiving.

Oh, and the client I saw in the ER this week? I wasn't being uncaring - I would normally offer to hold your hand during the icky part - but I have a cold and I really didn't want you to get it. It was more caring than holding your hand. I'm sorry if you didn't feel well taken care of.

Life Lesson

One of the problems people involved in social activism is that all too often we forget that if we don't care for ourselves, nurture our own lives, we aren't going to be much good for anyone else. I'm no exception. It just seems that there is so much to be done, that sacrificing what I want seems easy.

Last night, my husband and I were invited to a birthday party for our best friend's child. This child thinks of my husband and I as her favorite "aunt and uncle" as well as best playmates. Our first reaction was to be responsible adults and say that the 4 hours drive time and late night out would be too much in our already busy schedules. Until she started to cry.

We were horrified. We, the fun aunt and uncle, are never suppose to make her cry. Now, intellectually, I know she'd get over it. But, it was exactly the wake up call we needed. We realized that at the end of our lives, we would never regret getting to spend her birthday with her. We would regret, at the end of our lives, knowing that we skipped her birthday for something we won't remember what we did.

So, in the name of taking care of my own life, I'm taking off work early today and driving up the highway for a kiddie birthday party. And, frankly, being exhausted tomorrow is going to be worth it.

If the situation were different . . . .

Over the weekend, an attorney friend was telling me about a sexual assault case she'd heard about on the news. A male athlete accused a teammate of sexually assaulting him. The story was that the victim woke up to find his teammate performing a sexual act on him without consent.

We talked about it in our office, and we came to an interesting question.

First, even in our discussions, we absolutely assumed that the act was "by force and against the will of" the victim. However, we also pointed out that if the "victim" had been female and the "perp" male - larger society would want to ask questions about the behavior of the victim before the event, people might question if there was implied consent, and people might question that the event took place or that there was any force at all.

Something to think about when we hear about sexual violence and wonder to ourselves if it's true. Perhaps we should try mixing up the genders of the people involved and see how that changes our thoughts and feelings. We might surprise ourselves.

Friday Client Stories (not a fun one this time)

Because so many of the clients we serve are assaulted and abused by people we know, many of our office discussions center on relationships. Parent - child relationships, extended family relationships, acquaintance relationships, and intimate relationships.

I believe that people can get into relationship ruts. They pick the same sorts of people to be with over and over again. People go into new relationships waiting for the hurts of past relationships to pop up again. Once in a relationship, some people rehash the same arguments and scenes out over and over. People go back to people who have hurt them, over and over, somehow expecting that TODAY it will be different.

Last night, my agency responded to a client in the ER. This client had a long history of poor relationships. She says that her mother died when she was young and that her father ran out on the family. She says that they lived briefly with the grandparents - but her interpretation was that her grandmother "kicked them out" when she was 10. She had a series of foster and group homes. She was not protected or made to feel loved as a child.

She was much more concerned about being believed and how people around her would respond to her latest abuse. She talked of her history (and current habit) of self abuse.

At one point, she was visited by several relatives - two adults and a teen. The teen seemed overwhelmed by the situation and I'm not sure it was appropriate for him to be made a part of the scene. One of the adults hugged and held her - and repeatedly urged her to seek religious comfort. The other adult cried with her, held her, and whispered soothing things. It appeared to be the type of scene she craved and needed and deserved. But, I could tell that the few minutes of peace and comfort she felt wasn't enough to make up for the years of when it was lacking. And, as soon as it was over, she seemed to forget it happened.

The night ended with a scene I hate. She was on the phone with her family, pleading for someone to come pick her up from the hospital. She was detailing the hurts she'd suffered in a desperate attempt for them to believe her, and respond to her in a way she wanted. Sadly, I think the people she was talking to were incapable of being the people she dreams of them being, and I think that her own history of behaviors have worn them out too. It's all part of that rut.

When I see women in her situation, I am struck by how very lucky I was to have family members who were capable of being who and what I needed when others weren't. I also realize that one or two different decisions in my life, and I could have been in her situation rather than mine. I really think it can be just that simple for a life to be derailed.

New Link

You'll notice that in the "Places worth checking out" section, there is a new link. You can also get there by clicking on the title of this post.

It is a section of the EndAbuse site called "Coaching Boys into Men."

Feminist philosophers, sociologists, counselors, and researchers of all ilks have commented on the differences between the way boys and girls are reared. We spend a lot of time talking about how to bring up smart, healthy, confident girls. But, what do we offer boys?

I totally understand patriarchy as the underlying influence on our planet. I also understand that much of the world around us reinforces the notion of male as superior. That's not what this is about. This is about the real, live boys all around us who aren't getting the role models, dedicated adults, and positive direction they need to also be smart, healthy, and confident people.

Too many boys grow up without a positive male influence in their lives. A male who can counter the negative portrayals of masculinity and what it means to be a "real man." Too many boys are left to imagine or make up what being grown up means. For too many boys, we fail to give them the road map we give girls (even if what girls get is passively given.)

If you have boys in your life who are into sports and sports culture, Coaching Boys into Men may be just the resource you're looking for to help. They have good resources and many if not all are free.