Click on the title for the link to the article.
Apparently, in LA there is a blogger who writes in scary detail his thoughts on little girls - and promotes pedophilia as a life style choice and gives the pedophilia community a heads up on places and event where there will be children.
Horrifying? Yes. Illegal? Not really.
Law enforcement says they can't find any evidence that he has a criminal record or has committed a crime, yet. (Remember the study that came out just recently about the link between online consumption of child porn and hands on offenses?) But, what is a community to do?
I do believe that laws are a reflection of the community that enacts them - and thus you can create specific laws for specific situations. Also, I think that this blogger is taking his thoughts and activities to a public forum for the sake of terrorizing parents and freaking out the neighborhood and causing discontent and havoc. But, I also believe in first amendment rights. So, where is the line? Has "to catch a predator" become the modern day witch hunt? And, is that so bad?
Monday, July 30, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Just as a matter of information - part two of that NPR story from yesterday's post is on the NPR web site if you want to get the rest of the story. It will depress you.
But, on to the Friday Fun. I wanted to tell you about one of my best moments of doing this job.
A few years back, I got a call from one of the first clients with whom I ever worked. Back then, she was a teen who was dealing with the aftermath of reporting the sexual abuse she'd suffered since she was a toddler. Because it was a family case, there were people around her taking sides - some she had assumed would stand by her ended up speaking out against her. It was a difficult time for her. I would see her often through the health clinic at her school.
But, time goes by -- and people grow up. She now is all grown up, lives in another state, and works with sexually abused children. She is married and when she called, was expecting her first child.
She called to tell me that she wanted me to know how often she thought of me as she grew up - how often she would think of my words when faced with difficult choices. And she wanted to thank me for everything I'd done for her back then.
One, I was thrilled to hear how much she'd done for herself - and how good a life she'd made for herself. But, I also was touched that back when I was still pretty new to this - and much younger myself - she thought I did right by her. That's rewarding.
But, on to the Friday Fun. I wanted to tell you about one of my best moments of doing this job.
A few years back, I got a call from one of the first clients with whom I ever worked. Back then, she was a teen who was dealing with the aftermath of reporting the sexual abuse she'd suffered since she was a toddler. Because it was a family case, there were people around her taking sides - some she had assumed would stand by her ended up speaking out against her. It was a difficult time for her. I would see her often through the health clinic at her school.
But, time goes by -- and people grow up. She now is all grown up, lives in another state, and works with sexually abused children. She is married and when she called, was expecting her first child.
She called to tell me that she wanted me to know how often she thought of me as she grew up - how often she would think of my words when faced with difficult choices. And she wanted to thank me for everything I'd done for her back then.
One, I was thrilled to hear how much she'd done for herself - and how good a life she'd made for herself. But, I also was touched that back when I was still pretty new to this - and much younger myself - she thought I did right by her. That's rewarding.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Outrage as told by NPR
As always, click on the title for the link.
Because this is an NPR story - you can read the article - or get a fuller picture by listening to the story in the link. This is a two part story, so you can tune in later today to NPR to hear the rest -- or I'll try to get the link on tomorrow.
The outrage is that Indian Women living on federal reservations are being victimized sexually and physically at alarming rates - and more or less no law enforcement remedy is available to them. Some reservations can have their own police forces - but others have to rely on the Bureau of Indian Affairs officers. In the story, they highlight a case of a woman who was gang raped, beaten, locked in a bathroom, and eventually died. When the reporter asked the police chief about the case, he said the victim never reported it. When confronted with the name of the officer who took the report hospital bed-side, he simply said he never got the report.
I really believe that the federal government owes Native Peoples MORE protection simply because the federal government has taken them on as a responsibility by setting up the reservations. I know - there is history there and we can't go into all of it or the politics. But, I can't help have this creeping feeling that the federal government is treating these HUMANS as if they were nothing more than pets. The reservations are the kennels -- and the feds are negligent owners. And, that's as stomach churning as anything.
Because this is an NPR story - you can read the article - or get a fuller picture by listening to the story in the link. This is a two part story, so you can tune in later today to NPR to hear the rest -- or I'll try to get the link on tomorrow.
The outrage is that Indian Women living on federal reservations are being victimized sexually and physically at alarming rates - and more or less no law enforcement remedy is available to them. Some reservations can have their own police forces - but others have to rely on the Bureau of Indian Affairs officers. In the story, they highlight a case of a woman who was gang raped, beaten, locked in a bathroom, and eventually died. When the reporter asked the police chief about the case, he said the victim never reported it. When confronted with the name of the officer who took the report hospital bed-side, he simply said he never got the report.
I really believe that the federal government owes Native Peoples MORE protection simply because the federal government has taken them on as a responsibility by setting up the reservations. I know - there is history there and we can't go into all of it or the politics. But, I can't help have this creeping feeling that the federal government is treating these HUMANS as if they were nothing more than pets. The reservations are the kennels -- and the feds are negligent owners. And, that's as stomach churning as anything.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Selling "Safety"
Most women who are physically or sexually abused are victimized by someone they know, and often know quite well. This is well established fact.
So, it makes me annoyed when I see companies honing in on fear of rape or "stranger danger" as a way to make a buck. (I know, I know - there are actually people who are abducted and raped and murdered by complete strangers who selected them totally randomly. I'm not denying this, however, I it is still MUCH more common for the assailant to be someone the victim knows.) For example, Volvo is now marketing a feature in their cars which is a "heart beat" monitor. Their commercial features a woman approaching her car - the only car in the lot. And, to drive home the point that she's at risk, the voice over points out that her car is the last car in the lot. And she holds up her keyless entry to see a light flashing, indicating that there is someone in her car - and she is able to turn and leave the lot before even coming close to the car. Similarly, there is a company marketing police style stun guns to women for personal safety.
Here are my feelings about this sort of safety device. It's a very good thing if they save even one woman from ever ending up seeing me in the middle of the night. However, I'm not sure you can prove that that is actually the case. Most women who are being attacked by a lover aren't likely to knock them cold with a stun gun. Most women attacked in their cars, are attacked by someone they invited in - or are at least aware of when they get into the car.
I'm afraid that devices like this would give women a false sense of security and make them more casual about their awareness of their surroundings. Also, a weapon is only useful if you have it in your hand and are prepared to use it without hesitation. If you have a stun gun in your purse, if someone grabs you from behind as you approach your car - they aren't likely to release you and give you a moment to retrieve the stun gun before resuming their assault.
And, I worry that weapons - from mace to stun guns to actual guns - are as likely to be used against victims as perpetrators. Again, the whole familiarity thing plays into it. I'm not saying that women are incapable of making the decision to defend themselves - but rather they are more likely to hesitate if the person they are defending against is someone they care about.
Lastly, I'm tired manipulation of people based on fear. I hate seeing politicians, advertisers, and community leaders tap into fears - real and imagined - to give themselves or their agendas a leg up.
So, it makes me annoyed when I see companies honing in on fear of rape or "stranger danger" as a way to make a buck. (I know, I know - there are actually people who are abducted and raped and murdered by complete strangers who selected them totally randomly. I'm not denying this, however, I it is still MUCH more common for the assailant to be someone the victim knows.) For example, Volvo is now marketing a feature in their cars which is a "heart beat" monitor. Their commercial features a woman approaching her car - the only car in the lot. And, to drive home the point that she's at risk, the voice over points out that her car is the last car in the lot. And she holds up her keyless entry to see a light flashing, indicating that there is someone in her car - and she is able to turn and leave the lot before even coming close to the car. Similarly, there is a company marketing police style stun guns to women for personal safety.
Here are my feelings about this sort of safety device. It's a very good thing if they save even one woman from ever ending up seeing me in the middle of the night. However, I'm not sure you can prove that that is actually the case. Most women who are being attacked by a lover aren't likely to knock them cold with a stun gun. Most women attacked in their cars, are attacked by someone they invited in - or are at least aware of when they get into the car.
I'm afraid that devices like this would give women a false sense of security and make them more casual about their awareness of their surroundings. Also, a weapon is only useful if you have it in your hand and are prepared to use it without hesitation. If you have a stun gun in your purse, if someone grabs you from behind as you approach your car - they aren't likely to release you and give you a moment to retrieve the stun gun before resuming their assault.
And, I worry that weapons - from mace to stun guns to actual guns - are as likely to be used against victims as perpetrators. Again, the whole familiarity thing plays into it. I'm not saying that women are incapable of making the decision to defend themselves - but rather they are more likely to hesitate if the person they are defending against is someone they care about.
Lastly, I'm tired manipulation of people based on fear. I hate seeing politicians, advertisers, and community leaders tap into fears - real and imagined - to give themselves or their agendas a leg up.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Review: The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stehpen Chbosky
MTV Books
1999
You may remember that this is the book some NY parents were objecting to when it appeared on a summer reading list. The list was designed to encourage school kids to read outside of mandatory assignments in hopes they would become lifelong readers. The school officials picked this book specifically because it was already quite popular with school kids and was a quick read.
Parents objected, according to an NYTIMES article, because the main character witnesses a date rape. He later is bothered by memories of the rape and the fact that he did nothing to intervene.
This is indeed a quick read. It takes the form of letters written by the main character to an unknown person. You aren't sure what the main character's name is because he is clear that he intentionally is "changing" names of people because he doesn't want the letter recipient to figure out who he is. I suspect that he is writing to a minister.
His story chronicles his first year of high school. He is one of those kids who is smart but feels disconnected from his peers. He has an intact family, and even though he feels somewhat disconnected from them, they are a good family. He is the youngest child.
I don't quite understand why the parents' groups are objecting to the book based on the date rape. I suspect because they stopped reading there. The main character chronicles drug and alcohol use and abuse, sex, homosexual sex, anonymous homosexual sex, sexual abuse, dating violence, abortion, and mental illness in himself and his friends and siblings. This felt like a more modern version of FastTimes at Ridgemont High.
While reading this book, I thought to myself that the author has teenager down. I really felt like I was getting a pretty true glimpse into the inner world of a teen. There are ups and downs. He often downplays the good stuff in his life. He is as confused as to his place in his community - as well as his changing role as any kid experiences.
I especially appreciate the voice of this book being male. There are a lot of good messages for all kids, but especially boys and men in this book. I appreciate that the male character has vulnerabilities and isn't portrayed as a jock or a slacker.
I would recommend this book to adults and teens. I know a good number of parents are going to wish they could protect their children from some of the content - however, I feel that the book is so true to the teen experience that you could randomly select 100 kids from any public high school in the country - and 75% of them would be able to tell you stories about all those issues that would curl your toes even more than what's in this book.
MTV Books
1999
You may remember that this is the book some NY parents were objecting to when it appeared on a summer reading list. The list was designed to encourage school kids to read outside of mandatory assignments in hopes they would become lifelong readers. The school officials picked this book specifically because it was already quite popular with school kids and was a quick read.
Parents objected, according to an NYTIMES article, because the main character witnesses a date rape. He later is bothered by memories of the rape and the fact that he did nothing to intervene.
This is indeed a quick read. It takes the form of letters written by the main character to an unknown person. You aren't sure what the main character's name is because he is clear that he intentionally is "changing" names of people because he doesn't want the letter recipient to figure out who he is. I suspect that he is writing to a minister.
His story chronicles his first year of high school. He is one of those kids who is smart but feels disconnected from his peers. He has an intact family, and even though he feels somewhat disconnected from them, they are a good family. He is the youngest child.
I don't quite understand why the parents' groups are objecting to the book based on the date rape. I suspect because they stopped reading there. The main character chronicles drug and alcohol use and abuse, sex, homosexual sex, anonymous homosexual sex, sexual abuse, dating violence, abortion, and mental illness in himself and his friends and siblings. This felt like a more modern version of FastTimes at Ridgemont High.
While reading this book, I thought to myself that the author has teenager down. I really felt like I was getting a pretty true glimpse into the inner world of a teen. There are ups and downs. He often downplays the good stuff in his life. He is as confused as to his place in his community - as well as his changing role as any kid experiences.
I especially appreciate the voice of this book being male. There are a lot of good messages for all kids, but especially boys and men in this book. I appreciate that the male character has vulnerabilities and isn't portrayed as a jock or a slacker.
I would recommend this book to adults and teens. I know a good number of parents are going to wish they could protect their children from some of the content - however, I feel that the book is so true to the teen experience that you could randomly select 100 kids from any public high school in the country - and 75% of them would be able to tell you stories about all those issues that would curl your toes even more than what's in this book.
Monday, July 23, 2007
In the News: West Palm Beach Rape
I've attached a news article to the title if you want to read more.
There are numerous articles floating around about this particular attack. Also, it seems that the adult victim in this story is willing to be identified in the media and has taken the opportunity to give interviews.
The victims lived in a public housing complex. A complex known for crime.
A couple tidbits that I found particularly disturbing - beyond the horror of the assault itself - include the fact that the Bush administration has recently done away with funding specifically for policing public housing. I know that the government is all to happy to pat themselves on the back and rally voters on the stats of how many more police are patrolling our streets. How can they, in good consciousness, cut funding to some of our most vulnerable? Public housing residents are often simply sitting ducks for crime. Everyone knows that these apartments are populated by lone women and their children or the elderly. Since when did being poor mean that you didn't deserve the same protections we all take for granted?
And, in one article - not the one linked to this entry - a fellow resident of the housing complex is quoted as saying "so a woman got raped, big deal. There are other crimes to worry about."
I know that people will give themselves false security by distancing themselves from victims. But, I can't help but think that her statement is a reflection of how disenfranchised women and poor people have become in our culture. Really, it seems that the poor, and especially poor women, have become invisible in our society.
There are numerous articles floating around about this particular attack. Also, it seems that the adult victim in this story is willing to be identified in the media and has taken the opportunity to give interviews.
The victims lived in a public housing complex. A complex known for crime.
A couple tidbits that I found particularly disturbing - beyond the horror of the assault itself - include the fact that the Bush administration has recently done away with funding specifically for policing public housing. I know that the government is all to happy to pat themselves on the back and rally voters on the stats of how many more police are patrolling our streets. How can they, in good consciousness, cut funding to some of our most vulnerable? Public housing residents are often simply sitting ducks for crime. Everyone knows that these apartments are populated by lone women and their children or the elderly. Since when did being poor mean that you didn't deserve the same protections we all take for granted?
And, in one article - not the one linked to this entry - a fellow resident of the housing complex is quoted as saying "so a woman got raped, big deal. There are other crimes to worry about."
I know that people will give themselves false security by distancing themselves from victims. But, I can't help but think that her statement is a reflection of how disenfranchised women and poor people have become in our culture. Really, it seems that the poor, and especially poor women, have become invisible in our society.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Many years ago, before we knew any better, I would spend days in middle schools giving the 20 minute talk about saying no and telling an adult to groups of 5th and 6th graders. (We now know that the one time, 20 minute talk doesn't help build any skills and actually may lead child victims to believe they should try to physically defend themselves against adults and thus risk be injured more.)
Anyway - there was one particular day I wasn't the staff person scheduled to do a day of these talks - but the staffer called in sick. I barely remember the day because all the talks were such a blur.
A few weeks later, we were called to attend to a victim in the ER. She was a middle school aged girl. When I walked into the exam room, the child twisted her head around to see who walked in . . . and smiled big and said "I hoped they'd send you."
She had been in one of those classes I'd spoken to several weeks before. She heard me say that adults who prey on kids often assume that the kids don't understand what's going on - and they take advantage of that. They also don't want the kids to tell anyone because they know they could go to jail for their actions.
After my talk, this child's mother's boyfriend approached her one day afterschool. He said several things to her -- and she realized that he wanted to sexually abuse her. Remembering my talk, she confronted him by telling him that they'd talked about this in school and that he wasn't suppose to do things like this. And, she told him that she was going to tell her mother as soon as she got home from work.
In this case it worked. The boyfriend got scared and ran off. The moment the mom came home, the kid told her what happened. The mother called the police, the police suggested the ER just as a precaution, and the child was great because she knew she'd stood up for herself. The guy was caught, and plead guilty to indecent liberties and attempted sexual assault.
And, it was one of the best moments for me - to know that my words made that kind of impact on one kid.
Anyway - there was one particular day I wasn't the staff person scheduled to do a day of these talks - but the staffer called in sick. I barely remember the day because all the talks were such a blur.
A few weeks later, we were called to attend to a victim in the ER. She was a middle school aged girl. When I walked into the exam room, the child twisted her head around to see who walked in . . . and smiled big and said "I hoped they'd send you."
She had been in one of those classes I'd spoken to several weeks before. She heard me say that adults who prey on kids often assume that the kids don't understand what's going on - and they take advantage of that. They also don't want the kids to tell anyone because they know they could go to jail for their actions.
After my talk, this child's mother's boyfriend approached her one day afterschool. He said several things to her -- and she realized that he wanted to sexually abuse her. Remembering my talk, she confronted him by telling him that they'd talked about this in school and that he wasn't suppose to do things like this. And, she told him that she was going to tell her mother as soon as she got home from work.
In this case it worked. The boyfriend got scared and ran off. The moment the mom came home, the kid told her what happened. The mother called the police, the police suggested the ER just as a precaution, and the child was great because she knew she'd stood up for herself. The guy was caught, and plead guilty to indecent liberties and attempted sexual assault.
And, it was one of the best moments for me - to know that my words made that kind of impact on one kid.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I'm not sure why it surprises folks
Click on the title for the article in the NY Times about the link between downloading child porn and sexually abusing children.
According to the study, 85% of the men surveyed (that would be men currently serving federal sentences after convictions involving online child pornography) also admit sexually abusing children -- ranging from inappropriate touching to rape. Also, they found that the number of children they'd molested was 20 times the number prosecutors knew about.
For those who need a definition: generally, in the field, we define child sexual abuse by the intent of the perpetrator, not necessarily the actual act or reaction of the victim. For example: years ago, we had a 3 year old client and her mother come to the office. The mother discovered that her husband had been molesting their daughter during bathtime. The mother was bathing the child when she asked if they were going to play daddy's tickle game -- and the mom asked what the game was - and the child described the father performing oral sex on the child and having her perform oral sex on him. There was no doubt to this because the child was very explicit as to where exactly daddy tickled her and where he liked to be tickled. Even though the child did not understand what was actually going on - or didn't seem traumatized, it was still clearly sexual abuse.
It has always seemed a natural assumption that people who immerse themselves in deviant pornography (I'm not going to comment on all porn here - just child) would eventually find themselves reaching out to actual, live children. I believe that the issues of "self control" went out the window when they started viewing and collecting and consuming child porn. The internet has just made it easier to collect large volumes of the stuff -- and gives the illusion of privacy.
I know, there are some out there who would be concerned that if we start creating laws and policies as a result of this study, there MIGHT be a person who is punished without having committed the more heinous crime. So, lets not think of it as only punishing a criminal (and, yes, child porn - making or receiving it - is a crime) but also as protecting children from people we know are a risk to them. Frankly, we as adults have that responsibility anyway.
According to the study, 85% of the men surveyed (that would be men currently serving federal sentences after convictions involving online child pornography) also admit sexually abusing children -- ranging from inappropriate touching to rape. Also, they found that the number of children they'd molested was 20 times the number prosecutors knew about.
For those who need a definition: generally, in the field, we define child sexual abuse by the intent of the perpetrator, not necessarily the actual act or reaction of the victim. For example: years ago, we had a 3 year old client and her mother come to the office. The mother discovered that her husband had been molesting their daughter during bathtime. The mother was bathing the child when she asked if they were going to play daddy's tickle game -- and the mom asked what the game was - and the child described the father performing oral sex on the child and having her perform oral sex on him. There was no doubt to this because the child was very explicit as to where exactly daddy tickled her and where he liked to be tickled. Even though the child did not understand what was actually going on - or didn't seem traumatized, it was still clearly sexual abuse.
It has always seemed a natural assumption that people who immerse themselves in deviant pornography (I'm not going to comment on all porn here - just child) would eventually find themselves reaching out to actual, live children. I believe that the issues of "self control" went out the window when they started viewing and collecting and consuming child porn. The internet has just made it easier to collect large volumes of the stuff -- and gives the illusion of privacy.
I know, there are some out there who would be concerned that if we start creating laws and policies as a result of this study, there MIGHT be a person who is punished without having committed the more heinous crime. So, lets not think of it as only punishing a criminal (and, yes, child porn - making or receiving it - is a crime) but also as protecting children from people we know are a risk to them. Frankly, we as adults have that responsibility anyway.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
A bit of a tirade . . .
I have family members who, from time to time, will hand me a book and say something like "there's a good rape scene in it." (go ahead - think what you need to about the phrase "good rape scene" so I don't have to say it.)
I also drive my husband nuts by offering my professional opinion about television and movie portrayals of rape/sexual violence. (the rape crisis volunteer/advocate is far too rare.)
And, every once in a while, someone will send me one of those mass forwarded emails warning women to take on new, often bizarre, behaviors in the name of safety. I **cking hate those emails.
The most recent one to pop up in my "inbox" came from someone I know pretty well, who worked for a similar organization at one time, and who works "in the field" but not with victims. She has admitted that her area of knowledge leans more to the "domestic violence" side of life rather than sexual violence. But, you'd think she'd pick up a thing or two working with rape victim advocates.
This particular email warned of the "rash of kidnappings" in recent days. It offers up such gems as "crawl into your car from the passenger side if a van is parked next to the driver's side because serial killers most frequently grab their victims by pulling them into their vans." And, if someone is in your car, holding a gun to your head (assuming that someone is a stranger), you should drive your car into something - the air bag will save you and the gun man (again, the assumption is always that the stranger in your car with a gun will always be male) will be seriously injured. Or, my favorite -- warning that serial killers/rapists will use a tape recording of a baby crying to lure unsuspecting women out of their homes at night and KILL THEM DEAD.
Now, I am sure that SOMEONE has been victimized in ways described in this email. Although, it sounds more like bad crime tv to me. However, the real reason I so hate these emails is because they distract women from the more likely dangers in their lives - namely the people they already know. Women are far more likely to suffer violence - sexual and/or physical - from people they know. One of the hallmarks of violent crime, is that most of the time, the perp doesn't want any witnesses to see the crime committed. Since we all have heard from the time we were babies to not talk to strangers or to avoid strangers -- we are much more likely to let our guard down with someone we know -- even if we don't know them well.
Last spring, my agency responded to a number of women raped in cars. Some were women who were giving a ride to a "friend" when the "friend" became violent. Some were raped when they accepted rides from people they thought they could trust. Only one in 9 cases involved a woman who was raped by a stranger who "car jacked" her. The majority of the women not only had to process the violence they'd encountered, but also that it was at the hands of someone they thought they could trust - at least a few miles down the road.
And, these emails give women another reason to blame themselves when a victimization happens. As with any other violent crime - the only person to blame for a rape is the person with the power - namely the perpetrator. If the victim had a choice, they would choose that it not happen. All too often, perpetrators rely on victims, and the people around them, blaming the victim for the behavior of the perp. Victims don't report the crimes because in their own heads they can hear what people will say about their behavior. Frankly, crawling into your car from the passenger side isn't going to make someone set on committing a crime change their mind. And, if you are assaulted even after climbing into your car the traditional way - it still isn't ever going to be your fault.
I also drive my husband nuts by offering my professional opinion about television and movie portrayals of rape/sexual violence. (the rape crisis volunteer/advocate is far too rare.)
And, every once in a while, someone will send me one of those mass forwarded emails warning women to take on new, often bizarre, behaviors in the name of safety. I **cking hate those emails.
The most recent one to pop up in my "inbox" came from someone I know pretty well, who worked for a similar organization at one time, and who works "in the field" but not with victims. She has admitted that her area of knowledge leans more to the "domestic violence" side of life rather than sexual violence. But, you'd think she'd pick up a thing or two working with rape victim advocates.
This particular email warned of the "rash of kidnappings" in recent days. It offers up such gems as "crawl into your car from the passenger side if a van is parked next to the driver's side because serial killers most frequently grab their victims by pulling them into their vans." And, if someone is in your car, holding a gun to your head (assuming that someone is a stranger), you should drive your car into something - the air bag will save you and the gun man (again, the assumption is always that the stranger in your car with a gun will always be male) will be seriously injured. Or, my favorite -- warning that serial killers/rapists will use a tape recording of a baby crying to lure unsuspecting women out of their homes at night and KILL THEM DEAD.
Now, I am sure that SOMEONE has been victimized in ways described in this email. Although, it sounds more like bad crime tv to me. However, the real reason I so hate these emails is because they distract women from the more likely dangers in their lives - namely the people they already know. Women are far more likely to suffer violence - sexual and/or physical - from people they know. One of the hallmarks of violent crime, is that most of the time, the perp doesn't want any witnesses to see the crime committed. Since we all have heard from the time we were babies to not talk to strangers or to avoid strangers -- we are much more likely to let our guard down with someone we know -- even if we don't know them well.
Last spring, my agency responded to a number of women raped in cars. Some were women who were giving a ride to a "friend" when the "friend" became violent. Some were raped when they accepted rides from people they thought they could trust. Only one in 9 cases involved a woman who was raped by a stranger who "car jacked" her. The majority of the women not only had to process the violence they'd encountered, but also that it was at the hands of someone they thought they could trust - at least a few miles down the road.
And, these emails give women another reason to blame themselves when a victimization happens. As with any other violent crime - the only person to blame for a rape is the person with the power - namely the perpetrator. If the victim had a choice, they would choose that it not happen. All too often, perpetrators rely on victims, and the people around them, blaming the victim for the behavior of the perp. Victims don't report the crimes because in their own heads they can hear what people will say about their behavior. Frankly, crawling into your car from the passenger side isn't going to make someone set on committing a crime change their mind. And, if you are assaulted even after climbing into your car the traditional way - it still isn't ever going to be your fault.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Maybe I'm missing something . . . ?
This little thought springs up in my mind from time to time. Maybe I am totally missing something in my sex life. I'm happily married. I feel that we have a relationship that has room for give and take - and equality. But, I can't imagine that there is any sex out there good enough for me to give up my home, my marriage, my family, my work, everything I've worked so hard to secure.
In the news this week, are two stories about men in leadership roles who are now faced with a media firestorm over their sexual behaviors. Rep. Bob Allen of Florida was arrested soliciting an undercover cop for a sex act for $20 in a public loo. (This is the same Bob Allen who proposed a law against such behaviors.) Senator Vitter from Louisiana held yet another press conference about the fact his name/number appeared on the client list for a recently convicted "madame" in DC -- and has admitted that he did, indeed, use her services. According to media reports, rumors have swirled in LA for years about Vitter and prostitutes - a story he has always denied. Now, he's saying that he did frequent prostitutes in DC - but the stories of him seeing prostitutes in LA are all lies! Somehow, I don't really believe him.
In the case of Bob Allen - he was prostituting himself. Which means, he was taking on the risk for himself. But, I can't imagine what he might get out of the act (beyond the $20) that would make all that has happened since worth the thrill. Rep. Allen was perpetuating prostitution through his own acts -- and making what should be a safe, public space a place where families, individuals, law abiding citizens will now be too creeped out to visit.
I have more problems with Vitter. One, he was perpetuating the unequal relationship between prostitute and john as well as an antiquated power dynamic between men and women - namely that women's bodies can be bought and sold for the momentary service of men with money and power. But, also, he cheapens his wife by putting her in a position in which she needs to decide if she's going to cut and run - or smile for the cameras and stand by her man. Again - perpetuating the inequality between Vitter and "his women."
And, by holding press conferences and acting as if he has any right to be indignant or self-righteous about these events, he further cheapens the women he paid for sex. He attempts to make himself "better" than them - in that he has a voice and a means to speak up for himself - and the women he paid are left in the shadows or possibly fearful for retributions.
So, again, I wonder -- what about sex - or booze or pills or porn or any of the other vices -- is so good that you could put in jeopardy all that really is precious and worth while in your life? Or, are these men just that dumb that they think they'll never be caught and held responsible for their behaviors?
In the news this week, are two stories about men in leadership roles who are now faced with a media firestorm over their sexual behaviors. Rep. Bob Allen of Florida was arrested soliciting an undercover cop for a sex act for $20 in a public loo. (This is the same Bob Allen who proposed a law against such behaviors.) Senator Vitter from Louisiana held yet another press conference about the fact his name/number appeared on the client list for a recently convicted "madame" in DC -- and has admitted that he did, indeed, use her services. According to media reports, rumors have swirled in LA for years about Vitter and prostitutes - a story he has always denied. Now, he's saying that he did frequent prostitutes in DC - but the stories of him seeing prostitutes in LA are all lies! Somehow, I don't really believe him.
In the case of Bob Allen - he was prostituting himself. Which means, he was taking on the risk for himself. But, I can't imagine what he might get out of the act (beyond the $20) that would make all that has happened since worth the thrill. Rep. Allen was perpetuating prostitution through his own acts -- and making what should be a safe, public space a place where families, individuals, law abiding citizens will now be too creeped out to visit.
I have more problems with Vitter. One, he was perpetuating the unequal relationship between prostitute and john as well as an antiquated power dynamic between men and women - namely that women's bodies can be bought and sold for the momentary service of men with money and power. But, also, he cheapens his wife by putting her in a position in which she needs to decide if she's going to cut and run - or smile for the cameras and stand by her man. Again - perpetuating the inequality between Vitter and "his women."
And, by holding press conferences and acting as if he has any right to be indignant or self-righteous about these events, he further cheapens the women he paid for sex. He attempts to make himself "better" than them - in that he has a voice and a means to speak up for himself - and the women he paid are left in the shadows or possibly fearful for retributions.
So, again, I wonder -- what about sex - or booze or pills or porn or any of the other vices -- is so good that you could put in jeopardy all that really is precious and worth while in your life? Or, are these men just that dumb that they think they'll never be caught and held responsible for their behaviors?
Monday, July 16, 2007
Firing of a College President
Click on the title for the article I'm referencing.
I've followed this story for a few weeks now, and sadly, I suspect that the only thing we'll hear about this in the future is the inevitable lawsuit.
The back story is that in December, an Eastern Michigan University student was found dead in her dorm room. The University officials assured the parents of the young woman that there was no evidence of foul play - and they told the university community that there was no threat to the members of the community. Several weeks later, when a man was arrested and charged with the young woman's rape and murder, the university said essentially Oops, our bad.
In fact, the woman was found naked from the waist down, with semen on her body. Also, she had, in accordance with media reports, been pretty obviously smothered/strangled to death.
I have read that the parents accepted the university's explanation because the young woman had a pre-existing medical condition that could be fatal - and they assumed that this is what had happened.
Adding to the "oops" factor - apparently, police reports taken by campus police were ordered to be shredded so that the media might not get hold of them and report the actual situation.
For those of you unfamiliar, there is federal legislation called The Cleary Act which requires university campuses to report in a timely manner crimes that occur on a campus as well as alert the campus community to possible threats. Clearly, EMU failed failed failed in this task.
I can only imagine that the university either was more concerned about their own crime/safety reputation or found the details of this crime so distasteful that they erroneously decided that no one need know.
If the first is true - then they are in need of serious overhaul and oversight to correct this notion. Frankly, I think that parents would be more concerned about the university's attempts to cover up crime than any efforts the university puts into preventing crime. If the second, then someone needs to, as the locals say, bring a few administrators to jesus.
Rape is a fact of life for a huge portion of our population. Women are "trained" from an early age to fear the possibility of rape - and are taught an elaborate "dance" of behaviors designed to lessen their attractiveness to would-be attackers. More and more, we are seeing male victims of not just child hood sexual abuse - but also assaults by their peers. If administrators of a university find rape too distasteful to discuss publicly, perhaps they should build themselves a bubble and climb in. Pretending it doesn't happen doesn't make it go away.
I've followed this story for a few weeks now, and sadly, I suspect that the only thing we'll hear about this in the future is the inevitable lawsuit.
The back story is that in December, an Eastern Michigan University student was found dead in her dorm room. The University officials assured the parents of the young woman that there was no evidence of foul play - and they told the university community that there was no threat to the members of the community. Several weeks later, when a man was arrested and charged with the young woman's rape and murder, the university said essentially Oops, our bad.
In fact, the woman was found naked from the waist down, with semen on her body. Also, she had, in accordance with media reports, been pretty obviously smothered/strangled to death.
I have read that the parents accepted the university's explanation because the young woman had a pre-existing medical condition that could be fatal - and they assumed that this is what had happened.
Adding to the "oops" factor - apparently, police reports taken by campus police were ordered to be shredded so that the media might not get hold of them and report the actual situation.
For those of you unfamiliar, there is federal legislation called The Cleary Act which requires university campuses to report in a timely manner crimes that occur on a campus as well as alert the campus community to possible threats. Clearly, EMU failed failed failed in this task.
I can only imagine that the university either was more concerned about their own crime/safety reputation or found the details of this crime so distasteful that they erroneously decided that no one need know.
If the first is true - then they are in need of serious overhaul and oversight to correct this notion. Frankly, I think that parents would be more concerned about the university's attempts to cover up crime than any efforts the university puts into preventing crime. If the second, then someone needs to, as the locals say, bring a few administrators to jesus.
Rape is a fact of life for a huge portion of our population. Women are "trained" from an early age to fear the possibility of rape - and are taught an elaborate "dance" of behaviors designed to lessen their attractiveness to would-be attackers. More and more, we are seeing male victims of not just child hood sexual abuse - but also assaults by their peers. If administrators of a university find rape too distasteful to discuss publicly, perhaps they should build themselves a bubble and climb in. Pretending it doesn't happen doesn't make it go away.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Perhaps it's a sign?
I'm sure by now, everyone has read about and forgotten about the latest beauty queen scandal involving Miss New Jersey.
The short version - from what I've picked up from media reports - is that someone anonymously started sending her letters/packages threatening to expose "unflattering" photos of her if she didn't resign. (This smacks of the scandal involving Miss North Carolina a couple years back, no?)
Miss New Jersey went public with the letters/threats. She released the photos herself and did damage control by doing the talk show circuit. These photos didn't have any nudity - but they weren't exactly the type of photo any one's mother would put on her mantle either. They all seemed to capture spontaneous, youthful high-jinx. And, the people who were behind the threats are a group who claims to be interested in "rescuing" Miss America -- or recapturing the wholesome innocence of the Miss America of generations past.
The advances in personal technology mean that more and more youth will have spontaneous photos taken during moments of silliness. Most teens and young adults have cameras on their persons all the time. And, unlike cameras of my teen years, the photos can be viewed instantly and immediately transmitted to friends and posted on the internet. Also, teens have more independence now than in generations past. And, like it or not, embracing and expressing one's sexuality is more of a norm now than in years past. This means that it will be more and more difficult to find young women who participate in beauty pageants who have never had an "unflattering" photo taken or had a youthful indiscretion preserved for the media to republish and comment upon.
But, rather than bemoan the passing of the idealized "norms" of generations past, maybe this is evidence that the days of crowning beauty winners and rewarding young women for superficial accomplishments over their more substantial characteristics has past? Maybe it is inevitable that we leave off holding up young women as role models for their looks or ability to walk in heels as women make strides in leadership in politics and business?
The short version - from what I've picked up from media reports - is that someone anonymously started sending her letters/packages threatening to expose "unflattering" photos of her if she didn't resign. (This smacks of the scandal involving Miss North Carolina a couple years back, no?)
Miss New Jersey went public with the letters/threats. She released the photos herself and did damage control by doing the talk show circuit. These photos didn't have any nudity - but they weren't exactly the type of photo any one's mother would put on her mantle either. They all seemed to capture spontaneous, youthful high-jinx. And, the people who were behind the threats are a group who claims to be interested in "rescuing" Miss America -- or recapturing the wholesome innocence of the Miss America of generations past.
The advances in personal technology mean that more and more youth will have spontaneous photos taken during moments of silliness. Most teens and young adults have cameras on their persons all the time. And, unlike cameras of my teen years, the photos can be viewed instantly and immediately transmitted to friends and posted on the internet. Also, teens have more independence now than in generations past. And, like it or not, embracing and expressing one's sexuality is more of a norm now than in years past. This means that it will be more and more difficult to find young women who participate in beauty pageants who have never had an "unflattering" photo taken or had a youthful indiscretion preserved for the media to republish and comment upon.
But, rather than bemoan the passing of the idealized "norms" of generations past, maybe this is evidence that the days of crowning beauty winners and rewarding young women for superficial accomplishments over their more substantial characteristics has past? Maybe it is inevitable that we leave off holding up young women as role models for their looks or ability to walk in heels as women make strides in leadership in politics and business?
Friday Fun Client Stories
This happened many many years ago. But, I still marvel at it.
We had a regular caller who would never give her real name. The name she made up for herself was a body part - a non-sexual body part. I'm going to call her "Nose" just for ease.
I suspected that Nose had some development issues, and thus we were particularly careful with her. Also, although I'm not trained as a social worker per se, I have taken both undergraduate as well as graduate level social work courses and have a basic understanding of the history of social work as a lifestyle choice as well as some of the basic tenets.
One of the values of social work I greatly appreciate is that of "self determination of the client." Also, I firmly believe that when someone is engaging in dangerous behaviors (prostitution, drug use, cutting, random sex, etc) that a more effective approach is to help them understand what they believe they are getting out of the behavior and what the harms - potential and existing - are and steps that can be taken to get what the client wants and needs from healthier behaviors. (did that make any sense?)
Anyway, Nose was engaging in regular, unprotected sex with a man she described as being quite a bit older than her. She said that she didn't know his actual name but a nick name - and for the sake of ease, I'm going to refer to him as the "Fuller Brush Man" -- he wasn't a salesman, but he seemed to make regular visits into Nose's neighborhood. Essentially, what she described to me was him showing up once or twice a month when he seemed to know her mother would be away - and they would have intercourse, and he would leave.
Rather than tell this client she "Couldn't" continue this - I started to talk to her about protecting herself from the risks -- such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Nose quickly informed me that she didn't think she could get pregnant. She was in her 30s, had been having sex since she was a teen, and had never gotten pregnant despite never using birth control. I pointed out that even if she'd never been pregnant up until now, didn't necessarily guarantee she couldn't get pregnant. She sighed and repeated that she COULD NOT GET PREGNANT. I asked her why she believed this.
She sighed the sigh you give when you are dumbing down your statements for those too stupid to get it the first twenty times, and said "you know how women have eggs? well, I've never laid an egg. So, I can't get pregnant."
While trying to wrap my brain around these statements, I learned that she believed that when other women were having their periods, they were actually laying eggs. Like chicken eggs. She said that she only bled but she'd never seen an egg.
I had to try to convince her that the eggs human women have are very very tiny and she' isn't going to see them. I'm not sure I convinced her. But, I also never heard from her again either -- so I don't know if she decided I was too stupid to talk to or if I'd rocked her world with this information.
We had a regular caller who would never give her real name. The name she made up for herself was a body part - a non-sexual body part. I'm going to call her "Nose" just for ease.
I suspected that Nose had some development issues, and thus we were particularly careful with her. Also, although I'm not trained as a social worker per se, I have taken both undergraduate as well as graduate level social work courses and have a basic understanding of the history of social work as a lifestyle choice as well as some of the basic tenets.
One of the values of social work I greatly appreciate is that of "self determination of the client." Also, I firmly believe that when someone is engaging in dangerous behaviors (prostitution, drug use, cutting, random sex, etc) that a more effective approach is to help them understand what they believe they are getting out of the behavior and what the harms - potential and existing - are and steps that can be taken to get what the client wants and needs from healthier behaviors. (did that make any sense?)
Anyway, Nose was engaging in regular, unprotected sex with a man she described as being quite a bit older than her. She said that she didn't know his actual name but a nick name - and for the sake of ease, I'm going to refer to him as the "Fuller Brush Man" -- he wasn't a salesman, but he seemed to make regular visits into Nose's neighborhood. Essentially, what she described to me was him showing up once or twice a month when he seemed to know her mother would be away - and they would have intercourse, and he would leave.
Rather than tell this client she "Couldn't" continue this - I started to talk to her about protecting herself from the risks -- such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Nose quickly informed me that she didn't think she could get pregnant. She was in her 30s, had been having sex since she was a teen, and had never gotten pregnant despite never using birth control. I pointed out that even if she'd never been pregnant up until now, didn't necessarily guarantee she couldn't get pregnant. She sighed and repeated that she COULD NOT GET PREGNANT. I asked her why she believed this.
She sighed the sigh you give when you are dumbing down your statements for those too stupid to get it the first twenty times, and said "you know how women have eggs? well, I've never laid an egg. So, I can't get pregnant."
While trying to wrap my brain around these statements, I learned that she believed that when other women were having their periods, they were actually laying eggs. Like chicken eggs. She said that she only bled but she'd never seen an egg.
I had to try to convince her that the eggs human women have are very very tiny and she' isn't going to see them. I'm not sure I convinced her. But, I also never heard from her again either -- so I don't know if she decided I was too stupid to talk to or if I'd rocked her world with this information.
Friday, July 13, 2007
3 a.m
It's been a hard week around here for purely personal, and a what has to be some outta whack karma, reasons. Nothing worth going into - and nothing that will rock the foundations of society. Just sort of a collection of stuff that, really, the timing wasn't great.
And, whenever I start to gaze too deeply into my navel, some perspective always finds me.
Like the phone ringing at 3 a.m.
Because it's so recent a case, I can't really tell any details - other than to say "kid/adult, $100,000 bond" I love to see cases in which law enforcement comes out in full force. It's pretty easy to bash law enforcement as lazy or disinterested or corrupt. But, the fact of the matter is that we place pretty hefty responsibilities and serious decision making and little pay and little training on law enforcement. Frankly, it's a wonder anyone still wants to be a cop these days.
And, I love to see cases in which medical staff is on top of being good medical professionals as well as expressing appropriate care and concern for the victim. Like most cases, this one involved people who are well acquainted with each other. And, although most of us on "this side" of the crime find it easy to demonize the perp -- in this case, the nurse was sensitive to acknowledge that although the "perp" was behaving very badly indeed, at the same time he was someone they cared about.
I'm pretty confident in this case. The victim is a "good kid" and was cooperative. The immediate family was responding appropriately. Law enforcement and medical folks were on top of their game. And, it's one of those cases in which a jury will be appropriately indignant when they hear the details.
So, it's worth it to be up at 3 a.m -- especially after tumbling into bed at 1:30 a.m.
And, whenever I start to gaze too deeply into my navel, some perspective always finds me.
Like the phone ringing at 3 a.m.
Because it's so recent a case, I can't really tell any details - other than to say "kid/adult, $100,000 bond" I love to see cases in which law enforcement comes out in full force. It's pretty easy to bash law enforcement as lazy or disinterested or corrupt. But, the fact of the matter is that we place pretty hefty responsibilities and serious decision making and little pay and little training on law enforcement. Frankly, it's a wonder anyone still wants to be a cop these days.
And, I love to see cases in which medical staff is on top of being good medical professionals as well as expressing appropriate care and concern for the victim. Like most cases, this one involved people who are well acquainted with each other. And, although most of us on "this side" of the crime find it easy to demonize the perp -- in this case, the nurse was sensitive to acknowledge that although the "perp" was behaving very badly indeed, at the same time he was someone they cared about.
I'm pretty confident in this case. The victim is a "good kid" and was cooperative. The immediate family was responding appropriately. Law enforcement and medical folks were on top of their game. And, it's one of those cases in which a jury will be appropriately indignant when they hear the details.
So, it's worth it to be up at 3 a.m -- especially after tumbling into bed at 1:30 a.m.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Trauma, real and imagined
I read recently that 4 million Americans believe they have been abducted and molested by space aliens. The article notes that those who believe this experience real trauma reactions.
It did not note, however, if the whole "abducted and molested" phenomena is strictly an American thing - or if folks in China or Peru also have these issues.
On one hand, I have a hard time thinking that someday I might have to offer services to someone claiming this and maintain a straight face. On the other hand, I've seen a variety of folks over the years who also told some pretty tall tales -- but were clearly hurting. And, the flip side of that coin are the folks who insist that they aren't traumatized but clearly are hurting.
Then, there are the folks who have sudden recall of the assault - and must experience the trauma all over again. I remember a young woman years ago who was stocking shelves at the drug store where she worked - and suddenly had a flash of being raped as a freshman. She said that literally, one minute she didn't think of herself as a victim and the next she did. And, she isn't the only person I know who describes this sort of recall.
I know that there are those out there who want to say it isn't possible to "forget" such an event. I, and I think the clients, don't see it as "forgetting" -- but more very effective suppressing. When a community person asked me about this issue -- the notion that therapists "suggest" sexual abuse to clients and because of the trust bond, the client imagines the abuse was real. I explained that beyond the fact that I'm not a licensed therapist -- people rarely call an organization specializing in sexual abuse if they don't already know they were victimized.
What I see much more often are people who don't realize just how encompassing sexual trauma can be to one's life.
It did not note, however, if the whole "abducted and molested" phenomena is strictly an American thing - or if folks in China or Peru also have these issues.
On one hand, I have a hard time thinking that someday I might have to offer services to someone claiming this and maintain a straight face. On the other hand, I've seen a variety of folks over the years who also told some pretty tall tales -- but were clearly hurting. And, the flip side of that coin are the folks who insist that they aren't traumatized but clearly are hurting.
Then, there are the folks who have sudden recall of the assault - and must experience the trauma all over again. I remember a young woman years ago who was stocking shelves at the drug store where she worked - and suddenly had a flash of being raped as a freshman. She said that literally, one minute she didn't think of herself as a victim and the next she did. And, she isn't the only person I know who describes this sort of recall.
I know that there are those out there who want to say it isn't possible to "forget" such an event. I, and I think the clients, don't see it as "forgetting" -- but more very effective suppressing. When a community person asked me about this issue -- the notion that therapists "suggest" sexual abuse to clients and because of the trust bond, the client imagines the abuse was real. I explained that beyond the fact that I'm not a licensed therapist -- people rarely call an organization specializing in sexual abuse if they don't already know they were victimized.
What I see much more often are people who don't realize just how encompassing sexual trauma can be to one's life.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The part I hate
All things considered, I really do love what I do. I adore my volunteers and co-workers. I like my board members. I respect the law enforcement, medical staff, and prosecutor's office folks I encounter. I really appreciate most of the folks who also do this work around the state and country. For most of the clients I've seen, I can honestly say that it's a shame that this was the way I had to meet them -- because they had been violated and harmed.
When I was in Jr. High - I had a teacher tell us that we would never find a job we like 100%. I like to think I've come pretty darn close -- maybe 95%. I have looked around at what other people do - and from what I can observe, there isn't a job out there better suited to me.
However, there is one part I hate. Money. I hate having to beg for it. I hate having to explain, year after year, why the people we serve are worth the effort. I hate being treated as if I'm hauling in huge sums of money as the person in charge - or worse, as if I'm actually scamming the public. (I work really hard to keep our books in good, clean order - and to adhere to all regulations governing the documentation and use of our funds.)
Over the years, I've seen too many really excellent folks in this field leave because the money stuff just becomes too much eventually. The fact of the matter is, because most of our services are offered by volunteers - and because I've never been in it for the money - my agency provides our whole community with a 24-hour a day service that is free of charge to our clients for about 10% of what it would cost if you had to pay employees to do all the work we do - and pay a competitive wage.
That being said -- this year, my agency is conducting a brand new fund raiser -- we are trying to collect a Mile of Quarters. And, each and every donation made -- whether it is a $50 donation from a friend of mine or $3 collected by a old lady's bible group -- has warmed my heart. For so long, I thought I was "going it alone" in caring if our agency survived. And seeing how many people will open their minds, hearts, and checkbooks to our cause has really helped me see that this work really is a community effort.
But, I still hate having to prove to specific grant making entities that rape victims are worth a few bucks.
When I was in Jr. High - I had a teacher tell us that we would never find a job we like 100%. I like to think I've come pretty darn close -- maybe 95%. I have looked around at what other people do - and from what I can observe, there isn't a job out there better suited to me.
However, there is one part I hate. Money. I hate having to beg for it. I hate having to explain, year after year, why the people we serve are worth the effort. I hate being treated as if I'm hauling in huge sums of money as the person in charge - or worse, as if I'm actually scamming the public. (I work really hard to keep our books in good, clean order - and to adhere to all regulations governing the documentation and use of our funds.)
Over the years, I've seen too many really excellent folks in this field leave because the money stuff just becomes too much eventually. The fact of the matter is, because most of our services are offered by volunteers - and because I've never been in it for the money - my agency provides our whole community with a 24-hour a day service that is free of charge to our clients for about 10% of what it would cost if you had to pay employees to do all the work we do - and pay a competitive wage.
That being said -- this year, my agency is conducting a brand new fund raiser -- we are trying to collect a Mile of Quarters. And, each and every donation made -- whether it is a $50 donation from a friend of mine or $3 collected by a old lady's bible group -- has warmed my heart. For so long, I thought I was "going it alone" in caring if our agency survived. And seeing how many people will open their minds, hearts, and checkbooks to our cause has really helped me see that this work really is a community effort.
But, I still hate having to prove to specific grant making entities that rape victims are worth a few bucks.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Call me cynical . . . .
Click on the title for the full article . . . . I hope.
The short of it is that some parent's group has gone nuts over a book included on the suggested summer reading list for high schoolers. Apparently, the book "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is a speed read and already popular with teens. The school officials put the book on the list because it was already popular and they thought it would help encourage youth to be life long readers. (In the interest of full disclosure, I've not read the book. I heard of it for the first time in this article. However, I also remember trying to read "As I Lay Dying" as a teen and applaud the school officials for realizing that often the "classics" aren't going to encourage kids to read if they can't wade through them.)
Anyway, the parents are all up in arms because apparently there is a description of a date rape in the book. The young man who witnesses the date rape is, according to the article, upset by it and later wishes he'd done something to prevent or intervene.
As someone who struggles to create or find prevention programming that boys and all teens will absorb and take seriously, I have to applaud the author of the book for having a male character react this way to a date rape. Frankly, I'm going to go out and find the book SIMPLY BECAUSE OF THIS ISSUE. We need to teach boys that rape is bad - we need to validate their feelings of confusion and wanting to change the paradigm too many kids think is just "normal" dating.
I have to wonder if the character reacting to the rape were female, or if the young man were not repulsed/bothered by it - if the parents would have even noticed?
The short of it is that some parent's group has gone nuts over a book included on the suggested summer reading list for high schoolers. Apparently, the book "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is a speed read and already popular with teens. The school officials put the book on the list because it was already popular and they thought it would help encourage youth to be life long readers. (In the interest of full disclosure, I've not read the book. I heard of it for the first time in this article. However, I also remember trying to read "As I Lay Dying" as a teen and applaud the school officials for realizing that often the "classics" aren't going to encourage kids to read if they can't wade through them.)
Anyway, the parents are all up in arms because apparently there is a description of a date rape in the book. The young man who witnesses the date rape is, according to the article, upset by it and later wishes he'd done something to prevent or intervene.
As someone who struggles to create or find prevention programming that boys and all teens will absorb and take seriously, I have to applaud the author of the book for having a male character react this way to a date rape. Frankly, I'm going to go out and find the book SIMPLY BECAUSE OF THIS ISSUE. We need to teach boys that rape is bad - we need to validate their feelings of confusion and wanting to change the paradigm too many kids think is just "normal" dating.
I have to wonder if the character reacting to the rape were female, or if the young man were not repulsed/bothered by it - if the parents would have even noticed?
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Home
One of my all time favorite scenes is coming home in the evening and pulling into my driveway -- and seeing my home lit up. I love the orange-warm glow and the sight of my husband working at the dining room table. For the first several months after we bought this house, I would stretch out on the floor and just try to absorb that it was mine.
My house is the only inanimate object to which I've ever had an emotional attachment. I don't like people I don't know touching my house. I believe in home.
Home is a loaded word. It is a basic need and urge of all humans - the find, create home. I believe that home is not just a physical place, but a spot in our hearts too. How else could we be so comfortable with particular people? Or places? Anyone who has been truly in love knows that you can be home with a person.
Today, I heard a piece on NPR about children in Uganda who must commute each night to the cities to sleep because they are not safe from being kidnapped by rogue warriors and forced into slavery - sexual and otherwise. This played on a theme I've been thinking about for a while now. Home. And how so many of us don't have home. Or how one of the truly tragic outcomes of violence is that we are robbed of Home.
Earlier this summer, I toured the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC - again. Each time I see it, I come to understand a deeper meaning of just what was destroyed by the nazis. Following my tour, I read the great book, NIGHT. I couldn't help but compare the terror rape creates in the lives of the victims to the terrors created by the holocaust - although, not on the same scale. But, when we add in all the people on the planet who are terrorized in their homes - or robbed of a sense of home by fear inflicted by others, there is something of a modern holocaust going on.
I resent that fear is used so casually to gain power over others. It makes me angry that even our leaders will play on our fears in order to accomplish their agendas. I am infuriated when people rob others of a safe haven because of greed or meanness or stupidity, etc.
The sense of security and safety and comfort that is embodied in Home is a right of all people. The penalties for denying it ought to be severe.
Click on the title for a link to the bit on NPR.
My house is the only inanimate object to which I've ever had an emotional attachment. I don't like people I don't know touching my house. I believe in home.
Home is a loaded word. It is a basic need and urge of all humans - the find, create home. I believe that home is not just a physical place, but a spot in our hearts too. How else could we be so comfortable with particular people? Or places? Anyone who has been truly in love knows that you can be home with a person.
Today, I heard a piece on NPR about children in Uganda who must commute each night to the cities to sleep because they are not safe from being kidnapped by rogue warriors and forced into slavery - sexual and otherwise. This played on a theme I've been thinking about for a while now. Home. And how so many of us don't have home. Or how one of the truly tragic outcomes of violence is that we are robbed of Home.
Earlier this summer, I toured the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC - again. Each time I see it, I come to understand a deeper meaning of just what was destroyed by the nazis. Following my tour, I read the great book, NIGHT. I couldn't help but compare the terror rape creates in the lives of the victims to the terrors created by the holocaust - although, not on the same scale. But, when we add in all the people on the planet who are terrorized in their homes - or robbed of a sense of home by fear inflicted by others, there is something of a modern holocaust going on.
I resent that fear is used so casually to gain power over others. It makes me angry that even our leaders will play on our fears in order to accomplish their agendas. I am infuriated when people rob others of a safe haven because of greed or meanness or stupidity, etc.
The sense of security and safety and comfort that is embodied in Home is a right of all people. The penalties for denying it ought to be severe.
Click on the title for a link to the bit on NPR.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Friday Fun Client Stories
Many years ago - probably in the 90s - well, I know in the 90s - a client who was a regular crisis line caller phoned up in a tizzy. She was pretty worked up about something she'd seen on television.
After finally calming her down enough to make sense of what she was saying, she told me that I needed to know that we were just wasting time and money by having this crisis line. Naturally, I wanted to know why she'd come to this conclusion - especially since she'd been so fond of calling us.
She explained that she'd been watching the noon news while feeding her baby - and she'd caught part of a story - apparently, scientists had cloned dinosaurs from fossils, and then the dinosaurs had escaped and "NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
I suggested that what she'd actually seen was a bit about a new, fictional movie that was coming out. She sighed heavily - like you do when someone is so stupid it isn't worth your time to correct them, and hung up on me.
She did continue to call back to the crisis line - and never mentioned our impending doom again.
After finally calming her down enough to make sense of what she was saying, she told me that I needed to know that we were just wasting time and money by having this crisis line. Naturally, I wanted to know why she'd come to this conclusion - especially since she'd been so fond of calling us.
She explained that she'd been watching the noon news while feeding her baby - and she'd caught part of a story - apparently, scientists had cloned dinosaurs from fossils, and then the dinosaurs had escaped and "NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
I suggested that what she'd actually seen was a bit about a new, fictional movie that was coming out. She sighed heavily - like you do when someone is so stupid it isn't worth your time to correct them, and hung up on me.
She did continue to call back to the crisis line - and never mentioned our impending doom again.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
When to take a day off
I have always maintained that one of the reasons I've been able to stay in this job so long is because I have a pretty good sense of when to take some time off.
The other day, a relatively new employee and I were taking about a dream she had that was fairly violent in nature. She'd spent some of her weekend watching crime TV and thought that perhaps that had contributed.
I told her that I'd figured out a long time ago, that when I start having dreams of chasing my husband around with an axe, it's time to take a day off. So far, this system has worked for me. I urged her to figure out her own indication that she'd had enough of other people's misery -- and take time to care for her own mental health.
I think it's probably a good thing for everyone - from crisis workers to stay at home moms to fry cooks to know when they should prioritize themselves over their work.
The other day, a relatively new employee and I were taking about a dream she had that was fairly violent in nature. She'd spent some of her weekend watching crime TV and thought that perhaps that had contributed.
I told her that I'd figured out a long time ago, that when I start having dreams of chasing my husband around with an axe, it's time to take a day off. So far, this system has worked for me. I urged her to figure out her own indication that she'd had enough of other people's misery -- and take time to care for her own mental health.
I think it's probably a good thing for everyone - from crisis workers to stay at home moms to fry cooks to know when they should prioritize themselves over their work.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
We're not against sex, we're against bad, hurtful, scary, crime
For some reason, there are some misconceptions about the work I do - and why I do it for that matter.
First, we aren't anti-sex. In fact, we're all for it. We are probably more liberal in our views than many. However, we also realize that all too often, sex is used for everything from selling tacos to controlling whole groups of people. Sex may be the bodily function that is the most misunderstood - and most misused.
Second, I do this work because I believe in it.
I had a volunteer tell me one time that she thought I must be a "closet christian" because she couldn't imagine any other reason I'd do this work, but that I was trying to get into heaven. I actually was insulted by that. I think it's really kinda cynical to think that I wouldn't want to do the right thing, simply because it is THE RIGHT THING.
I don't do this work because I was sexually abused as a child. I don't do this work because I'm trying to work out - or ignore - my own issues. I don't do this work because I have power and control issues.
I had strong feminist influences in my early childhood. My grandmother instilled in me that I should use my talents to the benefit of others. I can't imagine working for "corporate america" where some shareholder is making more money from my labors than I do. I believe that the world is made a better place because I do this work. I believe that people who work to end misery will bring about world peace. I do this work because it allows me to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day. And, some of the people I've met doing this work -- well, I know that my life would not have been complete if I'd never met them.
That and the huge wheel barrels of money I drag home each week. (not)
And, I know more about the bizarro sexual practices of others than the average pervert. And, I have a really long list of people I've seen naked.
First, we aren't anti-sex. In fact, we're all for it. We are probably more liberal in our views than many. However, we also realize that all too often, sex is used for everything from selling tacos to controlling whole groups of people. Sex may be the bodily function that is the most misunderstood - and most misused.
Second, I do this work because I believe in it.
I had a volunteer tell me one time that she thought I must be a "closet christian" because she couldn't imagine any other reason I'd do this work, but that I was trying to get into heaven. I actually was insulted by that. I think it's really kinda cynical to think that I wouldn't want to do the right thing, simply because it is THE RIGHT THING.
I don't do this work because I was sexually abused as a child. I don't do this work because I'm trying to work out - or ignore - my own issues. I don't do this work because I have power and control issues.
I had strong feminist influences in my early childhood. My grandmother instilled in me that I should use my talents to the benefit of others. I can't imagine working for "corporate america" where some shareholder is making more money from my labors than I do. I believe that the world is made a better place because I do this work. I believe that people who work to end misery will bring about world peace. I do this work because it allows me to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day. And, some of the people I've met doing this work -- well, I know that my life would not have been complete if I'd never met them.
That and the huge wheel barrels of money I drag home each week. (not)
And, I know more about the bizarro sexual practices of others than the average pervert. And, I have a really long list of people I've seen naked.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
An Example of a justice system flawed
Click on the title for the article to which I refer.
One of the complaints I and those I work with often lodge is that the justice system bends over backwards to give the criminals every possible chance to get away with their crimes. I know, I know - there have been a handful of wrongful convictions that were discovered when previously unavailable DNA analysis was performed. However, balance that with this tidbit - a couple years ago, I heard a presentation by a "cold case" detective. He said that in New York State alone, in the first year they started analysing old sexual assault evidence cases and entering that information into a data base of known criminals - they had over 1,000 cold cases solved. IN ONE STATE - IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME - and the media never reports those situations.
Anyway, I've wandered off topic. In the above article, the accused in question is charged with multiple counts of fondling multiple children in a very short period of time. He used his position as an adult authority figure to prey on child performers in a holiday show. He preyed only on children in the show. All of the assaults he's been accused of happened in a two week span of time. All of the assaults are similar in nature. Yet, the court system is insisting that he be tried separately for each of the four victims and that no mention of other charges can be made in any of the trials.
First, there is a pattern of conduct. The assaults are all extremely similar and access to the victims came from similar situations. This is simply the wrong decision.
But, think for a moment - How would you feel if you were a juror on one of these cases and you heard an adult with several years experience say he didn't do it - and a young child say that he touched his/her private parts, but never got his hands inside the clothing or penetrated or made the child touch him? All too often, it's easier for adults to think that the child must have been confused or coached by a parent hoping to file a law suit or looking for attention than to think there are monsters around us who could have access to our own children. Now, suppose you voted "not guilty" in such a case - only to learn that in the same two week span, he is also facing charges for molesting 3 other children in the exact same circumstances and in the exact same way? Wouldn't you feel as if you'd been taken for a ride by the justice system? Would you have voted differently, knowing all the facts?
The rest of the story is that prior to the trial, the accused plead guilty to "attempted aggravated sexual battery. It's a guilty plea - but doesn't reflect what HE INFLICTED ON THE CHILDREN, but it spares them having to testify. That's good for the kids, but he also gets a lesser sentence. Which is too bad.
Before the plea, I was all fired up to point out that the judge had the discretion to decide if the sentences should be served concurrently or consecutively. I was going to argue that since the trials were consecutive, then so should the sentences. He was sentenced to 9 years - and will be eligible for parole in 3 years - and if they remember, he'll be deported after he's released. Which doesn't mean much. He wasn't here "legally" in the first place - it shouldn't be too difficult to get back into the country and move to another state.
One of the complaints I and those I work with often lodge is that the justice system bends over backwards to give the criminals every possible chance to get away with their crimes. I know, I know - there have been a handful of wrongful convictions that were discovered when previously unavailable DNA analysis was performed. However, balance that with this tidbit - a couple years ago, I heard a presentation by a "cold case" detective. He said that in New York State alone, in the first year they started analysing old sexual assault evidence cases and entering that information into a data base of known criminals - they had over 1,000 cold cases solved. IN ONE STATE - IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME - and the media never reports those situations.
Anyway, I've wandered off topic. In the above article, the accused in question is charged with multiple counts of fondling multiple children in a very short period of time. He used his position as an adult authority figure to prey on child performers in a holiday show. He preyed only on children in the show. All of the assaults he's been accused of happened in a two week span of time. All of the assaults are similar in nature. Yet, the court system is insisting that he be tried separately for each of the four victims and that no mention of other charges can be made in any of the trials.
First, there is a pattern of conduct. The assaults are all extremely similar and access to the victims came from similar situations. This is simply the wrong decision.
But, think for a moment - How would you feel if you were a juror on one of these cases and you heard an adult with several years experience say he didn't do it - and a young child say that he touched his/her private parts, but never got his hands inside the clothing or penetrated or made the child touch him? All too often, it's easier for adults to think that the child must have been confused or coached by a parent hoping to file a law suit or looking for attention than to think there are monsters around us who could have access to our own children. Now, suppose you voted "not guilty" in such a case - only to learn that in the same two week span, he is also facing charges for molesting 3 other children in the exact same circumstances and in the exact same way? Wouldn't you feel as if you'd been taken for a ride by the justice system? Would you have voted differently, knowing all the facts?
The rest of the story is that prior to the trial, the accused plead guilty to "attempted aggravated sexual battery. It's a guilty plea - but doesn't reflect what HE INFLICTED ON THE CHILDREN, but it spares them having to testify. That's good for the kids, but he also gets a lesser sentence. Which is too bad.
Before the plea, I was all fired up to point out that the judge had the discretion to decide if the sentences should be served concurrently or consecutively. I was going to argue that since the trials were consecutive, then so should the sentences. He was sentenced to 9 years - and will be eligible for parole in 3 years - and if they remember, he'll be deported after he's released. Which doesn't mean much. He wasn't here "legally" in the first place - it shouldn't be too difficult to get back into the country and move to another state.
Monday, July 2, 2007
The Satisfying Volunteer Experience
Let's face it, the agency I work for exists solely because of misery -- misery caused by the horrifying criminal behavior of others.
I once had a person tell me that she doesn't volunteer because she believes that if society truly valued the cause, we would find a way to support paid employees doing the work. She explained that she felt that the fact people would volunteer for such causes just perpetuated society's refusal to value the cause. The answer to that, of course, is that sometimes a volunteer can demonstrate more compassion and willingness to give to the client than any employee ever could.
This morning, the volunteer on-call took her First ER Call. ( for those who don't quite know what that means - When a person is sexually assaulted, we recommend they seek medical care ASAP --- in the ER - victims receive not just medical care, but also medical staff can gather the evidence and documentation that will support reporting the case to law enforcement. Also, victims can receive treatment to prevent pregnancy and most sexually transmitted diseases. Because of the trauma and the invasive nature of the examination, our agency provides an Advocate to assist the victim in the ER. Advocates offer support, information, and act as a liaison between the victim and medical staff. Advocates also help the victim regain dignity and control over their decisions.) This particular volunteer received our services many years ago.
When I checked in with her this afternoon, she related that at first she was tremendously nervous and worried she'd forget what she was suppose to say and do. But, she said that once she started talking to the client - she was in complete command of what we teach our volunteers. She said that while driving to the ER, she tried to think of all the things our volunteer told her so many years ago -- and what she wished she'd heard too.
She said that the medical staff and law enforcement officer were very professional and caring. She said that the client went from being embarrassed to angry to grateful for the assistance. She said that as they were leaving, the client thanked her for her help.
This is what I hope for our volunteers. On one hand, we hope that our volunteers are never needed, but . . . . well, you know. As someone who works with the volunteers, I want our volunteers to have satisfying experiences. And, this one was about as good as it gets. She felt that she made a connection with the client, she felt like part of the team serving the needs of the client, and she left knowing that her presence made a difference.
And, it's satisfying to me to be able to know that when people are as mean and hateful as they can be to another human, there is someone who is willing to get out of bed and offer assistance and bits of themselves to a complete stranger. It restores the balance of the universe.
I once had a person tell me that she doesn't volunteer because she believes that if society truly valued the cause, we would find a way to support paid employees doing the work. She explained that she felt that the fact people would volunteer for such causes just perpetuated society's refusal to value the cause. The answer to that, of course, is that sometimes a volunteer can demonstrate more compassion and willingness to give to the client than any employee ever could.
This morning, the volunteer on-call took her First ER Call. ( for those who don't quite know what that means - When a person is sexually assaulted, we recommend they seek medical care ASAP --- in the ER - victims receive not just medical care, but also medical staff can gather the evidence and documentation that will support reporting the case to law enforcement. Also, victims can receive treatment to prevent pregnancy and most sexually transmitted diseases. Because of the trauma and the invasive nature of the examination, our agency provides an Advocate to assist the victim in the ER. Advocates offer support, information, and act as a liaison between the victim and medical staff. Advocates also help the victim regain dignity and control over their decisions.) This particular volunteer received our services many years ago.
When I checked in with her this afternoon, she related that at first she was tremendously nervous and worried she'd forget what she was suppose to say and do. But, she said that once she started talking to the client - she was in complete command of what we teach our volunteers. She said that while driving to the ER, she tried to think of all the things our volunteer told her so many years ago -- and what she wished she'd heard too.
She said that the medical staff and law enforcement officer were very professional and caring. She said that the client went from being embarrassed to angry to grateful for the assistance. She said that as they were leaving, the client thanked her for her help.
This is what I hope for our volunteers. On one hand, we hope that our volunteers are never needed, but . . . . well, you know. As someone who works with the volunteers, I want our volunteers to have satisfying experiences. And, this one was about as good as it gets. She felt that she made a connection with the client, she felt like part of the team serving the needs of the client, and she left knowing that her presence made a difference.
And, it's satisfying to me to be able to know that when people are as mean and hateful as they can be to another human, there is someone who is willing to get out of bed and offer assistance and bits of themselves to a complete stranger. It restores the balance of the universe.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
It's gettin' a bit old
I've just read an article in the New York Times about the influence of Elizabeth Edwards on her husband's campaign. There are some who say that she is the feared school teacher of the campaign - that she dresses down aides and argues openly with her husband. Recently, she has taken to expressing her own views rather than the party line. She participated in Pride events in SF and said that she believes in same-sex marriage. She called into a talk show to confront Ann Coulter (yay!). She drops into the campaign offices frequently.
There are those who believe that her recent diagnosis of inoperable cancer is responsible for her letting go of worrying about what others think of her. There is a nice freedom in that.
But, I'm struck by the fact that just like with Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Carter, the public seems all to eager to cast Mrs. Edwards as a harpy, a monster, and a liability to their husband's leadership. Frankly, it's getting old.
In most marriages or partnerships - it takes both members to make it possible for either (if not both) to excel in their chosen careers. No politician makes it to a position of leadership without the assistance and balance of a good partner. And, leadership requires input from trusted people - and who is more trusted than the person who helped you get this far?
There are those who believe that her recent diagnosis of inoperable cancer is responsible for her letting go of worrying about what others think of her. There is a nice freedom in that.
But, I'm struck by the fact that just like with Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Carter, the public seems all to eager to cast Mrs. Edwards as a harpy, a monster, and a liability to their husband's leadership. Frankly, it's getting old.
In most marriages or partnerships - it takes both members to make it possible for either (if not both) to excel in their chosen careers. No politician makes it to a position of leadership without the assistance and balance of a good partner. And, leadership requires input from trusted people - and who is more trusted than the person who helped you get this far?
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