BOO, HISS

One of the top reasons victims say they decide not to report a sex crime is because they fear everyone finding out. And, in "everyone" finding out . . . they fear the reactions they will be forced to face. The disbelief . . . the stupid questions . . . the taking sides . . . or even more violence.

My office is vigilant to keep an eye on the crime reports in our local paper . . . should they give too much detail. And, more than once, we have reacted to help our local paper better walk the line between reporting news and being sensitive to victims.

So, imagine my annoyance when I read that the gossip mongers TMZ have published a story in which they name a sex crime victim. They name the victim because apparently, he is the son of someone famous. The victim isn't famous beyond his parentage.

There are a variety of problems with this . . . one, more and more I see "mainstream" media reporting the stories that TMZ has reported . . . and used the logic that since TMZ has already named names . . . it is okay for them to do it too. Also, this sort of exposure leaves the victim and his family open to all kinds of nut jobs and wackos thinking that they now have a say or a stake in the story. At a time when the family needs healing and good assistance . . . they will find themselves hounded by relentless photographers. And lastly, especially with my younger clients . . . sometimes people out in the various communities don't understand the differences between media reports and what happens in their own communities. I wonder how many teenagers are now going to be afraid to come forward and ask for assistance because they see a victim's face being smeared all over the internet and television?

TMZ was irresponsible and mean. And, their actions will have a ripple effect across many many communities. Thanks a hell of a lot, TMZ.

Another thing

I like to joke in my office that I'm "slow on the uptake" sometimes. It's because I often think of the issue that is at the heart of the matter sometime later. I take comfort in knowing that I do consider issues beyond the initial conversation . . . and I'm not at all bothered by the fact that it often takes some reflection to really take in the whole situation.

Initially Miley Cyrus said that she was pleased with the artistic nature of the photos and thought they were good. After the media firestorm started swirling, she gave an interview that contained a prepared statement saying that she is now embarrassed over the pictures.

First of all, it sounds a bit canned. I suspect that the embarrassment is really more an issue of being in the Disney stable. Second, why haven't her parents or manager come to the public and made a statement about their own involvement and approval and response? I find it disturbing that when this child is being chided publicly for a photo shoot that she was involved in . . . but certainly not alone . . . that the responsible adults involved had turned tail and allowed a child to take the brunt of the fall out.

If we are upset because she's a child being portrayed in an adult way . . . we should be even more upset that she is now expected to step up and be the adult in the face of a negative response.

Exploitation

By now, there has been much public attention focused on the picture(s) of Miley Cyrus in the magazine Vanity Fair. In the photo made public in the media, the 15 year old starlet is seen naked, with a satin sheet wrapped around her, she is looking directly into the camera over her shoulder, and her hair is mussed as if she is just getting up from sex. The expression and gaze are sophisticated and hint at sexual knowledge and experience. You have the youthful round face of someone not yet an adult contrasted with the very adult setting, nudity, and sexuality.

My first thought was "didn't Britney Spears appear in a photo with similar sexual overtones?"

I am concerned that profit is being made from marketing this young woman's sexuality. By publishing this photo, the magazine is furthering the acceptance of the notion that children are valid objects for sexualization. Printing such sexualized photos grants the faceless consumer sexual access to a child. And, although this young woman was paid for the picture, she was paid only a fraction of the money others will make from the photos . . . and this is coming really close to fitting the definition of trafficking.

I am distressed at the many many shows and media outlets that tell young women that if they are willing to take their clothes off, or pose for sexualized photos, or grant people sexual access to their bodies . . . that they too can be living the lifestyles of the rich and infamous. We have "celebrities" who became celebrities because they made sex tapes that became public. We have the whole "girls gone wild" phenomena. There are prostituted women who are seen as glamorous and savvy because the men who hire them pay thousands of dollars rather than a few. We have the recasting of strip clubs as "gentlemen's clubs."

Taken in their totality, it seems that we are moving backwards as a culture.

FMG, American Style

While flipping through news websites last Friday afternoon, I came across a bit that some actress had quipped that she'd recently had "vaginal rejuvenation surgery" and was back on the dating market.

Intrigued, my co-workers and I discussed what this surgery would be . . . and then looked it up on the web. We found an article from the New York Times. The article explained that this surgery might include removal of parts of the labia, or tightening of vaginal muscles, or in some rare cases a reconstruction of a hymen.

The article went on to explain that some women have a labia that is slightly larger than "normal" and that having excess labia might interfere with wearing tight pants or riding a bike. (no, seriously) We aren't talking about people who have serious malformations. We are talking about normal functioning women who didn't "realize" that they had less than delicate genitals until they had an opportunity to compare themselves to women in porn.

One woman said that her labia was nearly 1/2 an inch too big and that it caused her no end of embarrassment. Other women said that they wanted the surgery to appear or be more sexually desirable to the man/men in their lives.

First of all . . . I imagine that only in the united states do we have the money and leisure to throw towards such unnecessary surgery. Second of all, as a friend of mine says from time to time, makes me sad in my heart that our society has so ingrained in women the ideal of "perfect beauty" that they would risk losing all sexual sensation (from nerve damage/loss of nerve tissue from such a surgery) in order to meet some distorted notion of "pretty." Thirdly, aren't we fighting against this exact sort of ignorance in some third world countries? Isn't the justification for FMG in those cultures that removal of labial tissues make a woman more desirable for a man? Isn't recreation of a hymen playing into exactly the justification these other cultures have for sewing women up over and over and over again?

Sad in my heart.

Put your money where your heart is. . .

One of the many cool aspects of the conference on sex trafficking I attended recently was the tote bags we were given as part of our conference materials.

They are Freeset Bags . . . and are made in India by a woman who had been trafficked. The women who make these bags are afforded a living wage and decent work hours.

The bags are lovely, have a great story behind them, and offer the carriers the opportunity to make a public statement against the world's oldest form of oppression.

So much

Last week, I attended an international conference on sex trafficking. It was intense, and I'm still trying to wind down from it all . . . and the traveling.

Millions of women and children are trafficked across the world for the purpose of modern day slavery . . . whether for domestic services or sexual slavery or involuntary organ donation. All too often, local law enforcement see the women and children who are trafficked for sexual slavery as willing participants or criminals . . . not as disenfranchised persons who are in the most need of compassion and assistance.

You'll hear more about this later.

But, the question of the day . . . would you wear a t-shirt that proclaimed that you'd been raped?

I have mixed feelings. So many of the women I see are terrified of our community finding out about their rape . . . because the stigma is still so great. I also worry that the scary, violent, or ignorant people on the planet would use such a declaration as an invitation to inflict meanness.

But, I can also see that someone who has healed, and who does want to take an activist stand, would find wearing such a shirt empowering. I understand the argument that we perpetuate the shame and stigma by operating in secrecy for our clients. (For the record, I believe that clients should determine when and to whom they disclose their victimization . . . and until they choose that for themselves, I will respect their right to privacy.)

Secondary victims

When our agency serves primary victims of sexual violence . . . meaning the people the violence actually happened to . . . we are also on the lookout for secondary victims who may need help. A secondary victim, as you may have guessed, is a family member, roommate, or good friend/partner of the primary victim.

When we work with Moms . . . often I see a delayed emotional reaction. Moms tend to move themselves into a mode of being the caregiver . . . the person handling the details of medical care and interacting with law enforcement, the courts, and support agencies. I warn Moms that they may find that once the primary victim starts to function more normally, then they may relax to the point where they experience their own emotional response.

When I work with roommates, we talk about fear . . . and the need to balance their own desire to be supportive but also taking care of themselves.

It goes on . . . over the years we have seen trends in how people react . . . based on their own position and personalities.

I was recently in the ER with a young woman. She was with her mother and sister. She was very open to assistance and seemed to have very good support from her family. She was not interested in reporting the crime to law enforcement. She could articulate why she was making this decision . . . and had a pretty clear idea what she did want as well.

I could see from her mother's reactions that mom didn't really agree. I think the mother was hoping I would have some magic words to reverse her adult daughter's decision. There was a quiet moment when I could talk to the mom on her own. I explained that it was important that her daughter be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself . . . that the perpetrator had taken the right to make decisions away from her daughter and that she would "heal" better, faster if we could restore decision making back to her, even if we don't agree with those decisions. The expression on the mom's face told me that she understood, and ultimately wanted what was best for her daughter. And, I could see that the mom was relieved that her concerns had been understood too.