Downward spiral

One of the questions that stumps folks doing anti-rape work is "how does someone become a sex offender?"

Several years ago, I had the misfortune to watch one of my friends go from being an upstanding citizen to a convict. I know that every sex offender has their own story and motivations. This story isn't intended to excuse his behavior, let him off the hook, or minimize the pain he caused a wide circle of people. It is merely the retelling of one story . . . not too different from gaining value from hearing survivor stories.

When I was still green behind the ears, many years ago, I met a local youth counselor. For the purposes of this story, I'll call him Fred. Fred was one of the first community people to take our training class. One of the things that impressed me is that he seemed really concerned about the few youth he worked with who were struggling with sexual idenity. This immediately made him stand out . . . in that at that time, in this small community, lots of folks didn't even want to acknowledge that homosexuality existed, much less that there might be one or two HERE.

Over the years, Fred and I ended up on quite a few committees or boards together. He was older than me by a couple of decades . . . but still seemed to relate well to troubled kids. He never married, and it seemed to me that he was kinda trapped. Looking around, I see that it is fairly difficult for people in this community with a high level of education, who "aren't from here", and super busy jobs to really find a mate. Additionally, his mother was living in his home, and having daily nursing care. A busy job, and an elderly parent doesn't leave much time for meeting dates.

Fred's mother died just about a month before my mother-in-law died. I offered him support. I made sure he had food in his frig, and included him in a few family meals. I was worried that since his mother's death, he seemed to be staying home and playing with the newest toy . . . the internet.

He started telling me about the chat rooms for troubled teens that he would go to. He said that he had a repuation in some of these rooms as someone who listened and who cared. He retold several stories of teens seeking him out because a friend was saying things that scared them (suicidal things).

I remember warning him to be very careful about how much information he gave out about himself. I warned him that he didn't want kids running away and showing up on his doorstep. He promised me that he showed the same care he did when he was working. I also urged him to get out more with his friends . . . possibly date. And, it seemed that he was being more social.

Some time went by, and we kinda fell out of touch. I still heard about his work with local youth programs . . . but we didn't see each other much anymore. One day, he called me personally to tell me that he'd referred a teen he was working with to our office and to give me some back ground ahead of time. That afternoon, a mutual friend called to tell me that he had been arrested by the state police.

The story was that he had gone to a school in a nearby district, used his professional title to check a boy out of school, took him home, and sexually assaulted him. And, that this boy wasn't the only victim. All of the boys had been "met" through the internet. Further, the state police had found all manner of illicit conversations with young boys on his computer.

I was sick to my stomach. But, not entirely surprised. I spent the weekend struggling to accept that my friend was a monster. Part of me wanted it to be all a sick joke whereas I KNEW it wasn't. I realized that families who learn of incest must have the same struggle . . . but without the benefit of the knowledge and experience I have.

Fred called me once, to ask if I could testify to his character . . . and I explained that I would have to testify that he was a molester and that I totally believed the young men who had come forward. Fred eventually plead guilty to all charges. I don't know if he is even alive still.

I learned later that when the state police started their investigation, they put a block on his email/internet account. Realizing that he was possibly in trouble, he tried to log into several other people's accounts . . . which resulted in their accounts temporarily being blocked. Also, that in an attempt to clean some of the files off his computer he tried to have one of his computer savvy client kids fix it . . . and tried to get the computer person for his work place to clean it.

I am chilled at the thought of all the kids who were "helped" by him over the years. He was like a big teddy bear. I know several adults today who swear they would not have grown up outside a jail if not for Fred. I can't help but wonder if they now look back at this person they thought was so helpful and wonderful and wonder to themselves "did he try to molest me too?" Or, are they still carrying a secret?

I believe that the proclivity for "deviant" sexual behavior was always there with Fred. I think that he was able to keep it in check . . . knowing that it was wrong . . . for years. I think his personal struggle made him a better counselor for kids who were also struggling. I think that the combination of the isolation after his mother's death, the easy access of the internet, and the types of people he was conversing with night after night made it easy for him to quiet those parts of his brain that had always held him in check all those years. I think that when he was in chat rooms with kids who were bragging about their sexuality . . . talking as kids do when they are still figuring it all out . . . that he started to adopt for himself what he thought their values were.

Don't mistake my thoughts about his behavior for acceptance or approval. I disapprove of everything he did to ruin the lives and memories of untold numbers of youth in our community. But, I think it's an interesting look into someone who seemed to actually care . . .who either fell apart, or was snowing us all.