The best advice I've ever given

Many years ago, one of the treats of my job was that a medical practice would send their summer med students to me to be schooled on the evidence kit (please people, don't call it a rape kit - it always makes me think of a "how to" kind of thing) and treatment of sexual violence victims.

One young med student confided that she was getting married soon. I asked how she was feeling with the wedding so close, and she couldn't help but tell me that she was terrified. But, not for the usual reasons. A few years before, she'd been raped by someone she thought she knew better. A little part of her knew that deep down, one of the reasons she was marrying was because she wanted the safety and protection of a husband - as if it would create a magic barrier between her and men who were on the prowl. She was smart enough to worry that her marriage was doomed because she wasn't going into it for ONLY reasons of love and wanting babies etc.

I told her that the reason you get married doesn't have to be the reason you stay married. Then I blathered on about making the decision to grow together as a couple - whatever life throws your way - and respecting each other and your marriage.

I ran into her a few years later, when she was a full fledged doctor. She thanked me for my advice and said that she, indeed, was staying married for entirely different reasons than she got married.

I think of those words a lot. Recently, a friend told me that one of the reasons she knew her husband was "the one" was because, at a time in her life she most needed it - he took care of her. Another friend says that her husband treats her like "an educated china doll" -- meaning that she feels adored by him - but also that he respects her mind too. The other day, my husband noted that it was the anniversary of the day I left my job and apartment in another town to move to this little rural community to be with him. He kissed me sweetly and said "thank you . . . . it's been fun." I don't know if he's ever been sweeter.

So, what does this post have to do with being a crisis worker? Well - it seems to surprise many, but my work with women who have been so grievously harmed by mostly men has made me appreciate a good man that much more. I think I know more about what makes a good man - and a good relationship than most folks - since I've seen so much of what it looks like when it goes wrong.