Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Scary: Where is the Pedo Blogger Now?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. The Pedo Blogger (the self described pedophile who wrote a blog in which he posted his thoughts about little children, pictures of random children he took in various places, and lists of places other like minded sorts could find lots and lots of children) was run out of California.

He was run out of Washington before that.

We know that some classes of pedophiles will act out on children when they are stressed or pushed. (not an excuse, mind you - just an explanation)

So, where did he go? Whose children is he watching today? Is being run out of community after community the stress factor that will push him from world's biggest creep to bona fide criminal?

Monday, October 29, 2007

OH JOY

Life in a service providing, rural, non-profit is always hard. Providing services isn't always appreciated by the community, at least until a big case. People with money assume they will never will need our services. And, the work we do is easy to ignore or misunderstand.

We always struggle for money. We work hard to make sure we are accountable for the money we take in. We keep good financial records. We try to know about and adhere to all laws and regulations for non-profits.

But, today, I got the chance to do something that really warmed my heart. I've never done this work for the money. But, the last year has been hard enough, financially, that I find myself awake at nights worrying about money.

Today, I received a grant check in the mail. $50,000.00. It is satisfying to deposit that sum of money in our account - and know that for the next 9 months, I won't be awake nights worrying about money.

Now I can worry about other things - like why it's so hard to convince people that working to end rape is a good thing.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Friday Fun Client Stories

Actually, today I'm gonna tell on my self a bit.

I've always, or pretty much always, had feminist leanings. My early childhood years were spent in the San Francisco Bay area in the early to mid 70s. My mom was a grad. student at Berkeley. We spent more time seeing freaky things in SF and Berkeley than most kids. I have memories of not being at all shocked at seeing naked people on the street. I remember seeing people I now know were out of their gourds high dancing to their own music. I remember my mom having a "rape whistle" on her keys. I also remember Saturdays spent on grassy lawns watching my mom's belly dancing class perform.

Add to all this, my best friend's mom was also something of a feminist. In fact, it was from my friend's mom and sister I learned the phrase "male chauvinist pig." The first time I used the phrase at home was towards my father when he told me to do dishes while he and my brother's watched football. He later told me that he tried really hard not to laugh as to not encourage me.

But, despite all my feminist leanings, I didn't really have many female friends when I was in jr. high or high school. I didn't get into girl competition for male attention. I wasn't completely absorbed in my appearance. I didn't spend hours giggling over pictures of cute boys in magazines. I probably came dangerously close to needing to have a telephone receiver surgically removed from my ear.

It was frustrating to be a young feminist - and at the same time feel so disconnected from other girls. Fortunately, in college and adulthood, I've found many wonderful women who are smart, and funny, and kind, and who make wonderful friends. It's enough to restore all those feminist leanings.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

A most unsatisfying experience

Late yesterday afternoon, we received a call from the manager of a rather large business in town -- one of those businesses that donates lots of money to charity and encourages their employees to volunteer. He wanted a speaker for his employee meeting. Today. Early this morning. But, how could we refuse? We want their monetary and physical support in the future.

So, we arrived early. And, they weren't ready yet. Then, they had us meet in the warehouse - which was loud, and big, and kinda echoed. Then, the manager made mention of it being Domestic Violence month. I smiled and said - yes, it is domestic violence month, but since we do sexual violence response, I can't really address the other issues.

I'm not entirely sure the people beyond the first row heard anything I said. They had that kinda blank stare. Then, when we finished up the shtick, we turned around and the manager had disappeared. The employees didn't seem to know what was expected. I was seriously considering some softshoe and jazz hands, when the manager showed back up. There was mention of choco cake - but none materialized.

I'm not sure what the employees got out of our appearance at their staff meeting. Maybe someday, one of them will want to volunteer.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Cancer Ads

I absolutely hate the breast cancer ad that features a lacy bra and has the caption "Save the Ta-Tas" because it's not about saving breasts. It is about saving lives. It is about saving mostly women's lives.

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, given our society's willingness to marginalize and objectify women into just random body parts.

So, a couple of weeks ago, while on a long drive, I thought up a similar campaign for men that hopefully would make people think twice about the whole ta-tas thing. It was "save the assholes" -- and an admonishment to get checked for colon/rectal cancer.

This week I saw another breast cancer ad -- it said "squish a boob, save a life" and it had a fat little pink penguin on it. Although some may not see the difference - I like this ad. It focuses on lives. It could be referring to the process of a mammogram. And, the penguin is just confusing enough to make it totally non-sexual.

So, go squish yer boobs.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Confession

I saw on the news that a small town church has created a website on which people can confess their sins and shames, and receive Christian support. All confessions are anonymous and can be in a variety of topics, although the "sexual" topic is the most popular thus far. I've not read most of the posts, but I understand that there is a fair amount of admitting addiction to internet porn.

My interest was sparked when one of the "highlighted" confessions was a person who said that they were sexually abused from a young age until adolescence. They said that they had forgiven the perpetrator but still felt shame.

I have mixed feelings about web site confessions. There is little feed back - unlike when you confess to a sponsor or a minister. Also, a few of the confessions I saw were more confessions that there was something to confess without actually getting to the misdeed. And, I am troubled by someone thinking that the shame they feel from the abuse they endured as a child is equal to the person having an extra-marital affair. I also have issues with the rather passive approach to correcting behavior the posters clearly are ashamed of . . . . this notion that anonymously confessing on a web site and then expecting "God" to remove the sin and temptation.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a minister friend of mine years ago. She said that humans cannot control divine forgiveness, but that we can bestow human forgiveness upon each other. She says that in order for someone to be "eligible" for forgiveness, they must do three things:

1) admit to their behavior and the harm it created. All of the harm created. If your children grew up without the basic necessities because you were addicted to drugs, you must confess not only your addiction but also harming your children.

2) you must atone for your actions in a manner meaningful to the people you harmed. If your addiction denied your children the basics, you might atone by assisting in paying for their educations or paying for part of their groceries or donating money or time to children's shelters.

3) you must change your behavior. You must get treatment for your addiction. You must work to stay clean. You must change those behaviors. If being an active member of a church family helps - then do it. If having a personal relationship with God helps you maintain your sobriety, by all means, have it. But, don't expect that you don't have to do any of the work yourself because you show up in church on Sundays but do nothing else to help yourself.

I worry when sexual abuse victims believe they bear the burden of forgiving their abuser without the abuser doing anything to earn that forgiveness. And, I'm not sure a public but anonymous site for confession really counts as confession.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Under the influence

If you want to read the source article from the NY Times, click on the title of this post.

I remember watching parts of the HBO show "Capturing the Friedmens" and not being impressed. As anyone who watches television with a critical eye or has seen a Micheal Moore film, you can present evidence in a format that sounds like it might be balanced and truthful, but actually is rather biased and designed to lead the viewer to one specific conclusion.

I don't think I ever watched the whole program - simply because I thought it was bull.

Now, the man who was at the center of the show claims to have new evidence that the children in the case against him were hypnotized and influenced to "recall" abuse that never happened.

If you take the claim at face value, it appears he may have something worth looking into -- maybe not over turning his case, but taking a look. But, if you read the whole article, you see that the assertion is based on public speaking engagements from some of the therapists who treated the children central to the case, and in their lengthy talks, there is mention that sometimes, hypnosis can be a useful therapy tool for abused children in "cases like this." They never actually say "yes, we hypnotized the children, and only then did the children reveal or recall sexual abuse."

I'm mildly interested in this case. In the 80s (and early 90s) there were several cases of mass sexual abuse of children. These cases mostly happened before I started doing this work. They also happened at a time when most communities didn't have sexual assault crisis centers and when most therapists weren't required to be certified (at least in my state). Also, and we don't like to admit this often, there is still debate over the "best" way to treat abused children.

One of the problems is that with young children - it is difficult to lead them through cognitive processing. Other times, you have children who aren't invested in counseling. Other children may see the attentions and stresses surrounding the disclosure as negative and clam up. If the abuse created a dissolution of the family or household, it is difficult to encourage children to continue counseling. And, children are so heavily influenced by their parents, families.

If families aren't invested in counseling, children won't see the value in it. If family members question if the abuse happened, it feels like being disbelieved. Other times, family members will compact the shame the child feels, or openly blame the child for reporting it and bringing in outsiders to interfere.

I have no knowledge that would lead me to be able to say if this guy is guilty or innocent. I do have issues with the massive media attention on the very few cases of wrongful convictions (notice, I say media attention -- not on the wrongful conviction itself -- if there has been a wrongful conviction, our society owes it to the wrongfully convicted to be restored to their former life to the extent that we can.) and the little attention that is put on the issue of the many many many unsolved crimes in every community in America.

And, if we could prevent sexual abuse from happening in the first place, we wouldn't have to figure out ways to treat the victims.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Friday Fun Client Stories

Sometimes, the help we extend isn't exactly in the realm of sexual violence. Because we are a crisis oriented organization, and because we are a "women's" organization, we get calls from people who have interesting situations and don't really know where else to turn. I'm sure there is quite the debate with themselves before calling us. Usually these calls are about something related to violence and women, crime, or sex.

A few years ago, we got a call from a woman with a very small voice. She clearly was calling us because she just didn't know who else to call and hoped we would be sympathetic or know where to find help. She had a variety of problems. She had lost her job and didn't know how she was going to pay her rent or power bills. She also had a young child and the father was gone. She was clearly embarrassed to admit that she'd had a fleeting relationship with a neighborhood guy, and realized after she got pregnant how little she really knew about him. Like his real name. She realized she only knew him by his nickname - "Batman." She knew the small community where his family lived, but they claimed to not be interested in any children he may or may not have fathered (their words.)

I referred her to several social service organizations and the local job link service and every other agency I could think of. I think that the clear desperation and hopelessness in her voice tugged on my heart strings more than other folks who call demanding public assistance.

A week or so later, I was talking to a friend who is a probation/parole officer. She was expressing frustration over the "street names" of the men she worked with - and how when she calls their homes, no one knows their legal names. I laughed and related my client's frustration in realizing after getting pregnant the importance of learning a legal name. When I mentioned that the missing father was "Batman" - my friend jumped in to say she had a man on her case load who was known as "Batman." She ordered a paternity test, and LO! he was the missing father.

The client was amazed that we were able to find "Batman" and get her some child support to help her out. Frankly, I was amazed too.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Teacher/Student Inappropriate Activities

I've just been reading my hometown newspaper and see that a girl I went to high school with has been sentenced for inappropriate sexual activities with a student. Sigh. I can't say I am surprised. Not like there was anything in this woman's high school behavior that would lead me to think that 25 years later she'd be a sex offender. I'm not surprised because it just reminds me that anyone can be a sex offender.

I learned this when I was in high school. One of my teachers was convicted of sexually abusing a student. We had heard rumors of parties at this teacher's home for students who played sports. We'd heard rumors of her having an affair with one of the senior boys. We never dreamed that she'd be sexually abusing one of the younger girl ball players. Although, knowing what I know now, it fits. The girl she abused had a tough family/home life. She wasn't really popular and wasn't a stand out in the classroom or on the court. The perfect target for someone looking to prey on a vulnerable person.

Our local paper printed the whole transcript of the trial. I remember admiring the student for having the courage to testify -- even then I realized how difficult it would be to relate such details in front of strangers. We also learned from the trial that the teacher in question had lost a job in another state for similar activities and had been banned from teaching in that state. She moved on to our state. I remember thinking then that even though the judge ordered her to never teach again, I was pretty sure that in a couple years time (when she got out of jail) she'd must move on to another state.

This is why we need to link state sex offender registries so that it is harder for offenders to just move to a new place and set up shop again. Or make it easier for school systems to do back ground checks. It's not a cure-all, but a tool.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Rambling Thoughts

This morning, I had a conversation with a woman who volunteers with my agency and is also working on completing her college degree. She is preparing a research project for a women's history course on illegitimacy. But, in her work, is finding lots of research about sex and women throughout American history. She says that she is finding that through the generations, women have usually viewed sex as an obligation or as something forced upon them by their husbands. There was no acknowledgement that women could or should enjoy sex or own their sexuality. In fact, if a woman did enjoy sex, she was seen as a witch or as having the devil in her.

Which got me thinking -- if this is the historical view towards sex for women as a whole (not individual women - I'm sure, from talking to my grandmother, that individual couples enjoyed sex), then it's actually pretty amazing that we have come to a point in human development that we are so organized to fight against hurtful, forced sex. It was in my life time, less than 40 years ago, that the first rape crisis centers organized over the public acknowledgement that rape is a problem for women and rape is bad. And, now, most communities either have or border on a community with sexual assault victim and prevention services.

It's amazing that we have come to a point where we don't just whisper amongst ourselves about the pain and shame of rape - but rather can work across many professions to reshape prevention as an activity designed to change men's and society's attitudes about rape and relationships and sex.

Maybe we should take a moment to appreciate how much we have done already -- before rolling up our sleeves to jump back in, eh?

Monday, October 15, 2007

A Test

As usual, click on the title for the article.

I'm sure this sort of scene plays out across the country in large and small communities. I'm also certain that most people have no idea if any of their neighbors are convicted sex offenders. But, when it is discovered that a sex offender is living or intends to live in any given neighborhood, there is panic.

There is panic because studies in recent years have shown that most convicted sex offenders started committing their crimes young, and have committed many crimes before being reported, and often commit many more before being convicted. Most sex offenders are serial criminals. Also, sex crimes bring some of the deepest emotional reactions - especially in white, middle America. We, as a society, tolerate sex crimes with marginalized communities long before we tolerate them in middle class or "better" communities. (I've even heard some people dismiss the rape of young children in marginalized communities as "that's just the way those people are.")

But, I see the release of convicted sex offenders as a test for our justice system and our communities. There are those who believe that once the sentence has been served, the criminal ought to regain the freedoms enjoyed before the conviction. (I'm not one of those.) There are others who see it as a practical matter of the law - the laws we as a society established say that this is the punishment and once the punishment is meted out, there ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to behave themselves. (I can see this argument.) And, there are others who feel that with certain criminals, there ought to be other provisions made. (I can see where this argument comes from - but think it's a slippery slope.)

Yes - the criminal has the ultimate responsibility to control their actions and behaviors. But, I also realize that our society has a responsibility to place limits, act quickly, and amend laws we don't like. Ultimately, we as a society will need to devise more adequate ways of responding to sex offenders and other criminals. It's a test - for everyone involved.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday Fun Client Stories

A few years ago, I was able to convince the fine folks at our local college to let me present programs in the dorms. It is a small college and located in a rather provincial town. They didn't like to admit that their male and female students did much more than gaze thoughtfully into each other's eyes or occasionally hold hands.

When I finished up my presentation, and asked if there were any questions or comments, a young woman stood up and asked how they could bring more active programming to campus. She went on to become a campus leader in the push for better services for students and more awareness of the issues surrounding sexual violence on campus.

So, why do I tell you this story? Because, she was a client many years ago. She and her sister were sexually abused by a relative. The sexual abuse was a cycle in her family. I think I've seen a handful of her relatives for other victimizations. Her mother, also a client, decided in my office one day that the cycle was going to end. Her mother took an active role in helping her daughters. She consulted them when the DA's office called about a plea and again when the prison system wanted to know how they would feel if he were released early due to illness. She took time from her job to "reconnect" with her daughters.

And, the great pay off was that she and her daughters were able to build an even stronger bond than before, both girls went to college - the first in their family - and both girls were strong and bold and active in helping other abuse victims. And, that's why we do this work - for the kids and families who just need the opportunity to heal.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

This Just In

There is a movement to bring attention to the issue of violence against women through standing up with your wardrobe.

Wear Red on Oct. 31 to be a part of the movement. For more information, click on the title for the web site "Document the Silence."

Confessions

I've been following the coverage of the multiple guilty pleas of kidnapper/sex offender Michael Devlin. He's the guy who kidnapped the two boys - several years apart - and inflicted all sorts of tortures and horrors on the boys, especially the first boy.

Initially, there weren't many details but lots of innuendos made in the media. We all pretty much knew that there was some sexual torture going on - even if no one would say it out loud. We also knew that Devlin had been using the older boy has his own personal puppet and the most heinous of mental games/abuses had happened.

I'm just cynical enough to wonder how much Devlin is "enjoying" the retelling of his crimes in vivid detail. I know that he must admit to his actions as part of his pleas - but I also suspect there is some pleasure in it for him too.

I also have to applaud the parents of the boys because it seems that they are shielding their boys from the media. I hope they are getting the counseling, assistance, and tutors they need to help work towards restoring them. And, I'm happy to see that so many jurisdictions are doing their part to insure this guy is never trolling the streets again.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Law

Today, I heard a story in NPR about Oregon will be extending rights to domestic partnerships -- such as survivorship rights or child custody rights. The state is careful to point out that this is not recognizing gay marriage - but that couples that do not marry (gay or otherwise) do require legal remedies/protections that are normally extended to married couples.

This got me thinking about the living aspects of our laws. Yes, our laws are living. They grow, they change, the reflect the society we become. When the men writing the constitution were hard at work, they could not have anticipated that someday we would need laws to protect children from Internet predators. This is why they created a function by which our Constitution and laws could be updated and changed.

Our laws are a reflection of our values and our condition as a society. Some aspects of our laws are judgemental - such as the penal code. Other aspect of our law merely create a standard under which citizens can find remedy or protections. This part of our law isn't judgemental.

This is why I'm a tad baffled at the push from some quarters to make gay marriages illegal or deny protections to gay couples. First, there are long lasting, monogamous gay and not-gay couples all over. Some choose for themselves the securities and instant social recognition of marriage - others are denied it or reject it for themselves. But, this doesn't mean those couples are less worthy of inheriting shared properties. It doesn't mean that children of these relationships are just out of luck if their parents split up -- one parent isn't just going to disappear.

Laws extending rights and protections to unmarried but committed couples/families is more about creating a structure for difficult situations than it is about threatening the marriages of those folks lucky enough to have the right to get married.

Just as we are quick to create laws regulating where convicted sex offenders can or cannot live - we should also be quick to offer all families equal protections under the law.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Compounding the injustice

As is custom, click on the title to go to the story in question.

I imagine that other folks have followed with some interest the case of the US prosecutor who was arrested in an airport as he traveled to have sex with a 5 year old child. He had been chatting on-line with undercover cops who posed as the mother of the imaginary child. In the two weeks of chatting, the two had struck a bargain in which the prosecutor believed he was going to get a hot date with a 5 year old. When he was arrested, he was carrying earrings (for the mother), a dora doll, and petroleum jelly. EEEUUUUUWWWWWWW

This prosecutor was married, had children, and as far as the people in his community knew - a stand up guy who coached kids teams. (Okay, group shudder.)

I don't quite understand how anyone would think sex with a 5 year old would be so hot as to jeopardize everything in your life. Even if he wasn't thinking of his career - the years of study and work he undertook to earn his position of trust - he should have been thinking about how his family would bear this burden. Did he really believe he would never be found out? How many other children has he met that were actually children? Is there a trail of children in our country who have encountered this man before a random cop found him? I have a hard time believing that this is his first and only transgression.

The prosecutor killed himself in jail this weekend. He deprived our society and his family the opportunity to ask "Why?" He selfishly avoided further investigation into his past deeds. But, now his attorney has announced that he will ask that the charges be dropped against him. Not that the case be dismissed because the criminal doesn't live any longer - but that the charges be dropped.

I'm thinking that if there are children he raped or molested who haven't been found, knowing that he will never be held responsible for his actions is an injustice. Although, I'm sure his family will be relieved to know that he won't have the on-going label of "child rapist." I'm not sure how that helps -- since they still have to live with the horror of the event itself.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Friday Fun Client Stories

This week I got a call from a student looking for resources for a school project. The reason I loved this call is that it's from a young woman we helped, oh my gosh, 8 years ago?

She was raped by her stepfather twice on successive nights. The third night, she ran away from home and stayed away. After telling her family why she'd run away, her stepfather went to prison and the relationship between my client and her mother was on the mend. It took a long time for the relationship to go from mother/child/betrayed and hurt to one of mutual friendship and restored trust.

My client went off to college - and from the sounds of it she did the college thing right - student leadership, lots of good friends, exposure to varied viewpoints, lots of learning - the whole thing. Now, after three years of public school teaching - she has started law school. She wants to use her law degree to be an advocate for children.

I love knowing that our clients who were at the depths of their lives have pulled themselves together and have created for themselves happy, successful lives. And, I can't help but feel a twinge of pride because I know somewhere along the line, I contributed just a bit.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Breaded and Fried

A news item tonight caught my attention. A jury in Raleigh, North Carolina has found the founder of Smithfield's Chicken and BBQ liable in a sexual harassment suit filed by his male former assistant. The former employee said he was fired after refusing his boss' sexual advances. Other employees testified to similar firings.

Here's what interesting . . . . the award is noted by the media as being high for a community known for being conservative when handing out awards. Also, the founder of the restaurant chain testified that he is bisexual on the stand. And, we have male to male harassment.

I wonder if the "unusual" factor of the case being male to male harassment led the jury to be more sympathetic to the former employee? If the fired employee had been a young, attractive woman, would the jury have believed her? Would they have found anything "wrong" in the founder's behavior? Also, we don't often hear about homosexual or bi-sexual men and women being involved in sex related crimes. I don't know if they have a difficult time fitting into larger society -- or they aren't wired that way -- or are they willing to settle cases and not go to court?

We have a smithfield's in our town. I'll have to think twice now before I zip by for a bag of hush puppies.

We know it's a problem, but . . .

Today, I found a conference on sex trafficking that I want to attend. The immigrant population of my state has grown tremendously over the last few years - and we have a hunch that there is also sexual enslavement or sex trafficking going on . . . but we don't have any true numbers. Every once in a while, a law enforcement agency busts an illegal brothel and arrests illegal immigrant women for prostitution. But we don't have any real proof of numbers and who and where they are.

And, this is one of the real problems with all sexual violence work. So many of the victims are silent or invisible, it's hard to know exactly the scope of the problem. If we don't have numbers, we can't justify the money we need to make services and assistance available.

Our local law enforcement recognizes that immigrant peoples are often targeted for crime. I think they would rather believe that those crimes are only property crimes.

sigh.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

What's in a Name?

Names are important. How you address other people is an indicator of your respect or manners. Business transactions can be derailed by calling someone the wrong name. A name can be an indication of enslavement or individuality.

It is my belief that names are even more significant for women. In the field in which I work, many women recognize the practice of changing one's name upon marriage significant. Heterosexual women sometimes see this as an extension of sexual ownership or loss of individual identity. Homosexual women who are in committed relationships see the different last names as a constant reminder of the denial of marriage rights.

And, there are a variety of ways to remedy this situation. I've seen women hyphenate their names upon marriage. But, I also see them drop the hyphen over the years -- especially if the hyphenated name is especially long or awkward, or if they have children and don't want to saddle children with an especially long name. I know of one couple who both took the hyphenated name so that they would have the same last name. (I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often.) And, I know one couple who created a new last name incorporating parts of their original names and both took the new name. I've known lesbian couples who changed their names legally to a hyphenated name.

I didn't change my name when I got married. Some people have clued into this and are respectful. Others insist on calling me by my husband's name.

Some times, when someone calls my husband by my last name, and we gently correct them - they get flustered and assume they have insulted him. However, if they call me by his last name and we gently correct them - I notice they act as if we have insulted them. Very strange.

But today, I had a thought. I attended a meeting today where most of the women in the group had hyphenated last names. I wondered if they assume I took my husband's last name because mine isn't hyphenated? I wonder what other assumptions this leads them to make about my feminist notions or liberal/conservative leanings?

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

How a good number of calls to the ER start

This morning, a young woman who volunteered with my agency a couple of years ago stopped by my office to chat.

She related that she'd had an annoying event happen over the weekend. She is a separated mother of a pre-school aged boy. She shares a household with her divorced mother. Both she and her mother have jobs.

She started the tale by commenting about role reversal with her mother. She said that her mother had recently broken up with a boyfriend and was unhappy. Her mother's friends convinced her to go out to a night club with them as a distraction. My friend said that she fell asleep on the couch waiting for her mother to come home. She was awakened at 4 am when her mother came in, followed by a guy my friend had never seen before.

She said after a short time, the guy left her mother's bedroom. But, he sat in his vehicle for at least half an hour without driving off. This bothered my friend. Finally, the guy came back to the door and asked if he and his buddy could come inside and sleep. They said they were too drunk and cold to drive home or stay outside. My friend's mother agreed, and my friend found herself giving up the couch to the buddy who had stayed in the vehicle while her mother and her new friend were, um, hooking up.

She said that the guy on the couch tried to convince her to join him "to keep him warm."

She said she went to the bedroom she shares with her child and moved the dresser in front of the door.

The next morning her mother told her that as she and her friends were leaving the club, the guy she'd hooked up with called to her in the parking lot. And the line that got him into her pants? "I think you're pretty." She said she didn't really want to bring him home/have sex with him, but her friends said it would help her get over the ex-boyfriend.

This is a woman in her mid 40s. She is still letting her friends make her decisions. She has no more confidence in herself that a line like "you're pretty" is enough for her to over come her own pride and have sex with a near stranger. And, she exposed her child and grandchild a very real risk of harm.

Fortunately, no one was hurt. But, it was easily avoidable. I'm not saying the mother would have been to blame if one or both of these guys had criminal behavior on their minds . . . . but it seems to me that somewhere along the line smarter decisions were easy to make. If nothing else, your children or roommates deserve more respect than this story indicates.

Monday, October 1, 2007

implied lesbianism

The other night, I went out clubbing with some friends. Something I'd not done in many a year. It was fun. It was exhausting. It was expensive. I don't see it becoming a habit.

But, one of the spectacles we were treated to was a group young women who were either soon to be college graduates or recent grads. They were all dolled up in cocktail dresses, big hair and big make-up. They were rubbing up against each other, fondling each other, having group kisses, and posing grabbing each other's breasts -- all for camera phone toting guys. They seemed to relish having their photos taken while behaving in a pretty sexual fashion.

I assumed that the boys taking the pictures were not part of the group because after the pictures were taken, the boys would drift off to compare pictures, and I assume email them to their buddies.

So, when did implied lesbianism become appropriate behavior? (I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends and relations, and have never seen this sort of behavior in the many situations I've seen them in.) And, don't these girls worry about what is going to happen with those pictures? Since we no longer teach sex ed in schools, what assumptions do men and women make about each other with this behavior? Is this behavior really an indicator of sexual freedom or women buying into sexual exploitation for the sake of male approval?

Maybe I'm too cynical because I would assume those pictures are going straight to the internet. And, I see this as an issue of women buying into the sexual exploitation of women.

sigh. Youth. But, whose to say I wouldn't have behaved that way in a different time and place? naw. I still hear my mother's/grandmother's voices in my head when contemplating bad behavior.

NOTE: After I wrote this, I thought that it might come across kinda harsh. I should clarify that I think that the behavior I describe in this post is insulting to people who are actually homosexual. And, I would like to note that being gay or lesbian is much more than who you have sex with -- but who you identify with and the way you define yourself within our society. I'm sorry if I came across as disapproving of actual gay and lesbian people. That isn't at all what I meant to achieve with this post.