A bit of a tirade . . .

I have family members who, from time to time, will hand me a book and say something like "there's a good rape scene in it." (go ahead - think what you need to about the phrase "good rape scene" so I don't have to say it.)

I also drive my husband nuts by offering my professional opinion about television and movie portrayals of rape/sexual violence. (the rape crisis volunteer/advocate is far too rare.)

And, every once in a while, someone will send me one of those mass forwarded emails warning women to take on new, often bizarre, behaviors in the name of safety. I **cking hate those emails.

The most recent one to pop up in my "inbox" came from someone I know pretty well, who worked for a similar organization at one time, and who works "in the field" but not with victims. She has admitted that her area of knowledge leans more to the "domestic violence" side of life rather than sexual violence. But, you'd think she'd pick up a thing or two working with rape victim advocates.

This particular email warned of the "rash of kidnappings" in recent days. It offers up such gems as "crawl into your car from the passenger side if a van is parked next to the driver's side because serial killers most frequently grab their victims by pulling them into their vans." And, if someone is in your car, holding a gun to your head (assuming that someone is a stranger), you should drive your car into something - the air bag will save you and the gun man (again, the assumption is always that the stranger in your car with a gun will always be male) will be seriously injured. Or, my favorite -- warning that serial killers/rapists will use a tape recording of a baby crying to lure unsuspecting women out of their homes at night and KILL THEM DEAD.

Now, I am sure that SOMEONE has been victimized in ways described in this email. Although, it sounds more like bad crime tv to me. However, the real reason I so hate these emails is because they distract women from the more likely dangers in their lives - namely the people they already know. Women are far more likely to suffer violence - sexual and/or physical - from people they know. One of the hallmarks of violent crime, is that most of the time, the perp doesn't want any witnesses to see the crime committed. Since we all have heard from the time we were babies to not talk to strangers or to avoid strangers -- we are much more likely to let our guard down with someone we know -- even if we don't know them well.

Last spring, my agency responded to a number of women raped in cars. Some were women who were giving a ride to a "friend" when the "friend" became violent. Some were raped when they accepted rides from people they thought they could trust. Only one in 9 cases involved a woman who was raped by a stranger who "car jacked" her. The majority of the women not only had to process the violence they'd encountered, but also that it was at the hands of someone they thought they could trust - at least a few miles down the road.

And, these emails give women another reason to blame themselves when a victimization happens. As with any other violent crime - the only person to blame for a rape is the person with the power - namely the perpetrator. If the victim had a choice, they would choose that it not happen. All too often, perpetrators rely on victims, and the people around them, blaming the victim for the behavior of the perp. Victims don't report the crimes because in their own heads they can hear what people will say about their behavior. Frankly, crawling into your car from the passenger side isn't going to make someone set on committing a crime change their mind. And, if you are assaulted even after climbing into your car the traditional way - it still isn't ever going to be your fault.